This Everyday Feeling

I am a true creature of habit. Routine does not bother me at the least. I find myself laughing at myself when I think about how little my life and life patterns vary, yet there is so much peace that comes with the way I live my life; that I laugh at myself again for ever thinking myself silly for loving routine.

Part of the reason I married the man I did was because of his spontaneity. Unfortunately, I learned as we developed a relationship that what I viewed early on was not simply a person able to be spontaneous, but an impulsive man/child who couldn't make a decision if his life depended on it. He just did whatever came to his mind.

After I figured out what was really going on, I began to monitor what I did and did not want to participate in, when and how. He quickly labeled me as a stick in the mud. I even quicker didn't give a damn. I began to view him as a impulsive individual who had no true direction, so I made sure to keep my everyday feeling throughout the relationship. When I felt it threatened, he usually wanted to move out, or I was throwing him out. I would not let him alter my everyday feeling.

Looking back I marvel at how smart I was. I am proud of my unwilling to allow my best interest to be messed with. Over the years he has told me how strong I am and how much he admired my ability to maintain my integrity. Folk like him do not understand the importance of personal integrity. They are too busy trying to get over to care about how their blatant self-serving behavior affects others. I have never been the one to let folk get to close, not even as a child. I always reserved some of me, for me.

As a wife, I know it is very important to have the ability to maintain your sense of self and do what is in your best interest. My being able to maintain a level of autonomy and still raise my husband and kids is my greatest accomplishment. Although there are those who would label me an enabler, I will say I am to the extent I do not try to stop people from being who they are and I love them anyway. But what I won't do is take abuse. I have been misused, but I draw the line at blatant abuse. I know I am being abused when I lose my everyday feeling.

I am a firm believer that no one can ever truly make you unhappy, keep you from being happy, or cause you to be happy. Happiness to me is my everyday feeling. When I lose it, I don't immediately blame it on others. I look and discover what I am doing first, then I check the folk around me. Then I make a move back towards the middle so I can feel that everyday feeling.