The Hardest Thing

It used to be the hardest thing for me to do was to allow others to question me without becoming defensive, or trying to explain myself. Since I've taken on the calling of Martyr for Marriage, I have been challenged in some way almost everyday.

From family to friends, Christian or not, folk expect me to act like everyone else would in my situation. They expect me to leave my husband, especially since things have gotten even more difficult with his chronic illness. They want to see me break, or they want to hear me cry, or they want to me to really complain. They obviously don't know God like I do. The obviously are missing something spiritually.

I recognize and respect this. I was like them until I listened to God's will. I didn't get to where I am until I went where everyone feels I should go, to the divorce court. Filing for divorce showed me I didn't want a divorce. After making that decision, I had to examine why I felt that way and it became clear to me, I want to please God. I don't own anyone an explanation for my decision to stay married to someone who has been disrespect, disloyal, irresponsible and unreliable.

I feel blessed to have had such a formidable opponent during this spiritual battle. Believe me when I tell you, God is winning. He triumph's every time my husband looks at himself first before blaming others, every time he takes his medicine, and goes to his appointments. God wins with each expression of regret, willingness to repent, and moments of clarity and self-awareness.

Yes, they are baby steps, but they are steps in the right direction. God knew what he was doing when He declared marriage sacred and forever. Forever is a long time, and some of us need almost forever to grasp certain concepts, principles, etc. Does that mean they do not deserve to be loved until they get them? Does it mean, because they aren't spiritually on your level that you are not obligated to love them?

Many like to throw up to me, "What does darkness have to do with light?" My reply, "Everything, one does not exist without the other. The darkness needs the light to guide the way." I am not running from my decision to marry the man I did. It is all in God's hands and plan. I pray for those who can't accept what is.