I Did It for Love

My husband and I have been married 22 years as of this Saturday. We are at a maintaining stage. The dynamics are interesting. We were talking and he mentioned the fact we don't talk to each other much. I reminded him about how he was when we first got together. He would cut me off if I tried to have general conversation with him. He didn't want to hear it, if it wasn't directly related to us. Then, there was the factor that he was never around. I learned to write in my journal or whatever to get things off my mind.

Surprisingly, he couldn't say a word. He has been harping on our lack of communication for over 10 years. I used to become defense because I had not recognized the reason it occurred. I personally am not a big talker in very intimate relationships. I like the feeling of us both doing what we want, but are content knowing the other is around.

As much as I love to talk, I don't have to do it. I stopped trying to figure him out and just let him tell me who he was through his actions. He has shown me well. Now that he is so ill, I rarely think about anything "he has done to me." What he is doing to himself is incredible. It is amazing how a person came be so willing to give up their lives just because it would be hard to reclaim it.

Yes, he is at death's door. You can literally see it in his eyes. The dog never leaves his side. All the signs are there. Yet, somehow, he finds the strength to be mean spirited, misguided, and in denial. He is still playing with the devil. Allowing himself to be used in the worse way, against the people who care the most. But, ain't that just typical of us humans? We spend so much time trying to find a way to get back, put down, dismiss a person. We get caught up in being right, or knowing better for others, until we lose sight of our only truly command and that is to love others as you love yourself.

So, here we are at the 22ND year mark. I spent the day with my 14 year old who completed a six month community workshop called Reclaiming our Youth. She attended every event and was rewarded with The Most Positive Attitude Award. She is a delightful person. I've done all I could to allow her to maintain her sweetness and kindness. Her dad has too. He loves on her, when he's not nagging her. I can only pray there is a balance there somewhere.

He has been sick for the last three days. He didn't go to the event. I am sure this upset her, but she did not let on. I went in tremendous back pain. My arthritis is kicking up again. I can barely function. I need to go to the doctor.

All-in-all, our anniversary turned out to be just another "business as usual," day. We did spend intimate time at the turn of the morning, and I said, "Happy Anniversary," and he said, "Likewise." If you are asking yourself, "why does she stay?" The answer is I did it for love.

After 22 Years of Marriage

My husband and I had a wedding and a legal ceremony within a week of each other back in 1989. We have been married 22 years and each other's lives for 26. It has been a trip, but one worth taking. I like to say, I may not have been to paradise, but I most definitely have been to me. I grew to be the strong confident, capable black woman that I am because I stayed in my marriage.

My husband proved my theory that he has been acting out like a little child seeking attention all these years. He's been trying to get me to do to him what others have and that is give up on him. I asked him, "What is the most surprising thing about me you've learned?" He said, "How diligent you are. Do you ever give up?"

To be honest, I was still shocked by the statement. Even though I had theorized he was wanting me to quit, so he could, I didn't let that stop me from being the winner I am. I refuse to fail and like I told him, I don't spend too much time pursuing things, people, are opportunities that I feel I have little change of obtaining. I am a person who is solid in her convictions. I believe strongly in the importance of knowing what you want, going after it and appreciating it once you get it.

He is a quitter, even a loser in the eyes of many. He has spent most of our relationship in awe of me, I'd even venture to say being jealous of my ability to persevere. He wants to me give up, so he can. He often tells me if it weren't for me, he would probably be dead. For me, that is enough incentive to stay solid and be a model for integrity and tenaciousness he so desperately needs. I am a winner. Even when I lose, I win because I know that what was perceived to be a lost, wasn't meant for me in the first place.

His statement made me feel proud. I am proud that I have been able to be consistent with one person to the point of disbelief. If no one else knows, he knows I am dedicated, loyal, honest, capable, and willing. He knows I will go the extra and a half mile.

It has been said that no one can survive without some delusions. That man/woman has to have some sort of distorted view of something to hold to hope for something better. If this is true, I'm delusional in my marriage and I'm okay with that. I know it will never be exactly what I had hoped it would be. I got that. I also know that there was no way for me to know how it would turn out. Looking back, I'm grateful for the opportunity to be his wife and to know that I am making an impact on him that has is changing him for the better everyday.

He has helped me change too. I'm not the same girl I used to be either. I am a much better wife than I could have imagined being. After 22 years of marriage, I'm ready for another 22.

21

I have been legally married for 21 years. Although things have been rocky for the past few months, my husband and I were able to set aside our differences and celebrate the fact we are still together and putting forth effort to remain so, at least for the time being.

I asked what he though was great about our relationship and he said our children. He could not come up with anything else. I told him I'd take his initial answer. He wrote me a sweet letter indicating that he knew we both should have run in the other direction, but he said he would not rather be in any other place.

I believe him. I feel the same way, today.