When You Grow Up

I have grown so much until it frightens me sometimes. The fear is based on the fact that I could have ever not believed in myself. I fear it could happen again. How could I have spent so many years caring about what other people think? How could I give so thought to killing myself, overeating, being the victim?

I could do those things because I was immature. I was a child. After living for half a century, so many things have come full circle. I remember crying when my hair fell out when I was 12. I took to wearing wigs. My family started calling me bald headed. Now, I shave my head almost completely and love it. Back then I cried almost everyday.

When I was in college, a magazine came out called BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman). On the cover of the first issue was a girl laying down with a sweater on and leggins. I remember thinking how fat I was and how I would never wear leggings. Back then, I was solid muscle, didn't have no fat hanging nowhere. Now, I have fat hanging and will put on a pair of leggins in a minute.

When you grow up, you are freed from so many of the ridiculous thoughts and fears you once harbored closely. When you grow up, you recognize fear is just another way to keep yourself from living your life. When you grow up, you open your mind to possibilities, you allow yourself to make mistakes.

It is fun to be an adult. I love being a grown up. I am good at it.