I have grown so much until it frightens me sometimes. The fear is based on the fact that I could have ever not believed in myself. I fear it could happen again. How could I have spent so many years caring about what other people think? How could I give so thought to killing myself, overeating, being the victim?
I could do those things because I was immature. I was a child. After living for half a century, so many things have come full circle. I remember crying when my hair fell out when I was 12. I took to wearing wigs. My family started calling me bald headed. Now, I shave my head almost completely and love it. Back then I cried almost everyday.
When I was in college, a magazine came out called BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman). On the cover of the first issue was a girl laying down with a sweater on and leggins. I remember thinking how fat I was and how I would never wear leggings. Back then, I was solid muscle, didn't have no fat hanging nowhere. Now, I have fat hanging and will put on a pair of leggins in a minute.
When you grow up, you are freed from so many of the ridiculous thoughts and fears you once harbored closely. When you grow up, you recognize fear is just another way to keep yourself from living your life. When you grow up, you open your mind to possibilities, you allow yourself to make mistakes.
It is fun to be an adult. I love being a grown up. I am good at it.
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Although
Although we are separated, neither one of us believe in divorce and it has not come up in conversation except to let the other know we do not want one. Even though, I am not looking forward to us living together anytime soon, I still have a deep desire to be there for him and to support him during this every rough time.
His negativity really bothers me and although I recognized it before, now I can barely stand to listen to it for one minute. He can tell and stops whining when I do not respond. What can I say? He is experiencing a lot of trauma in his life, but it didn't have to be this bad. Yes, he was going to have diabetes no matter what, but he could have controlled it over 20 years ago.
There's no way I could leave him completely alone. He doesn't have anyone in this town but his family. Since he's been gone, our son has been helping his dad, but over the past weekend he was unable to, so I had to do it because he had a heart attack and was unable to help himself.
All we have is what we believe in. I believe in being loyal, honest and true. I told him until death do us part and I mean it, whether we sleep in the same bed or not.
His negativity really bothers me and although I recognized it before, now I can barely stand to listen to it for one minute. He can tell and stops whining when I do not respond. What can I say? He is experiencing a lot of trauma in his life, but it didn't have to be this bad. Yes, he was going to have diabetes no matter what, but he could have controlled it over 20 years ago.
There's no way I could leave him completely alone. He doesn't have anyone in this town but his family. Since he's been gone, our son has been helping his dad, but over the past weekend he was unable to, so I had to do it because he had a heart attack and was unable to help himself.
All we have is what we believe in. I believe in being loyal, honest and true. I told him until death do us part and I mean it, whether we sleep in the same bed or not.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It Sounds Good
It sounds good when I say, I believe in the institution of marriage and I am staying because I believe my marriage is God ordained and to leave it right now, would not be what God wants.
It sounds good, but is very hard to live. Especially when you realize that just because you understand the big picture, you still have to live the day-to-day and be human at the same time. If I wanted to deny my humanness, I guess I could take up my cross and not mention the pain, but being human, I have to say ouch when it hurts and I'm hurting right now.
As I watch my husband's health fail, as I watch him help it fail, it is a constant reminder that he will never be a better husband to me. I fully get that what I see is what I get and that making the best out of it is about all I can expect. It is very painful to accept this.
What makes the pain almost unbearable is the fact I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I can't imagine ever dating, or wanting to marry again. With all my belief in marriage, this bad one has most definitely made me feel I would not do it again with someone else.
Now that I have accepted I will not have the husband I deserve through the man I'm married to, I question is this a marriage?
Of course it is. It's not a real good marriage, but it is a marriage nonetheless. Marriage is much more than the relationship between the two people. Marriage is more about maintaining and managing the shared incomes, children, household etc. I would say the relationship is about 20% of what marriage is really about. The other 80% is about all the other stuff which people tend to get done, but do not take the time to work on the 20%. This is why folk can be married for 50 years and get a divorce. As soon as they are faced with the 20%, the marriage is over.
For us, we do the 80% fine, it is when we try to deal with the 20% that problems arise. We've done some great things in our union. The fact we've been together for 25 years and not killed each other is amazing. We actually have done some very important things right and this is why we've stayed together so long. I will talk about them in another blog.
It sounds good, but is very hard to live. Especially when you realize that just because you understand the big picture, you still have to live the day-to-day and be human at the same time. If I wanted to deny my humanness, I guess I could take up my cross and not mention the pain, but being human, I have to say ouch when it hurts and I'm hurting right now.
As I watch my husband's health fail, as I watch him help it fail, it is a constant reminder that he will never be a better husband to me. I fully get that what I see is what I get and that making the best out of it is about all I can expect. It is very painful to accept this.
What makes the pain almost unbearable is the fact I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I can't imagine ever dating, or wanting to marry again. With all my belief in marriage, this bad one has most definitely made me feel I would not do it again with someone else.
Now that I have accepted I will not have the husband I deserve through the man I'm married to, I question is this a marriage?
Of course it is. It's not a real good marriage, but it is a marriage nonetheless. Marriage is much more than the relationship between the two people. Marriage is more about maintaining and managing the shared incomes, children, household etc. I would say the relationship is about 20% of what marriage is really about. The other 80% is about all the other stuff which people tend to get done, but do not take the time to work on the 20%. This is why folk can be married for 50 years and get a divorce. As soon as they are faced with the 20%, the marriage is over.
For us, we do the 80% fine, it is when we try to deal with the 20% that problems arise. We've done some great things in our union. The fact we've been together for 25 years and not killed each other is amazing. We actually have done some very important things right and this is why we've stayed together so long. I will talk about them in another blog.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Empathy-Part Four
The birth of my son triggered a desire to become more male friendly. I fully understood I had no idea of what it is like to be a man. Even though it took a male to help make me and I know biologically I am half male, I wholly experience life as a female.
Many women don't understand the importance of empathizing with the male species. They would much rather try to change him, or expect him to do as she wants because she claims to love him. Or she may have all kinds of warped expectations due to not growing up with a male, or never taking to the time to pay attention to those around her.
The media, the government, employers, schools, retailers, etc. all benefit from the battle that goes on between the sexes. What women need to know is battling with men will not get you what you want. Men, understand this about women that's why many of them have taken the stance that they are afraid of women. Their fear is based on the unknown. They don't know us either and not much in our culture tries to cultivate true understanding among the sexes.
There are a few people are who are genuinely wanting to make the relations between the sexes better, but not many. This country thrives off conflict. We can't get enough of bitter feuds and disconnected partners. We flock to the news stand to read about who broke up or on the verge of breaking up. We love to look at others in pain, while simultaneously running to the divorce courts to heal our own.
The answer? We must come to our relationships with more understanding and willingness to participate at our highest level of consciousness.
Many women don't understand the importance of empathizing with the male species. They would much rather try to change him, or expect him to do as she wants because she claims to love him. Or she may have all kinds of warped expectations due to not growing up with a male, or never taking to the time to pay attention to those around her.
The media, the government, employers, schools, retailers, etc. all benefit from the battle that goes on between the sexes. What women need to know is battling with men will not get you what you want. Men, understand this about women that's why many of them have taken the stance that they are afraid of women. Their fear is based on the unknown. They don't know us either and not much in our culture tries to cultivate true understanding among the sexes.
There are a few people are who are genuinely wanting to make the relations between the sexes better, but not many. This country thrives off conflict. We can't get enough of bitter feuds and disconnected partners. We flock to the news stand to read about who broke up or on the verge of breaking up. We love to look at others in pain, while simultaneously running to the divorce courts to heal our own.
The answer? We must come to our relationships with more understanding and willingness to participate at our highest level of consciousness.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
You
"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." Janis Joplin
I know, I know. She killed herself with drugs, but that doesn't mean she didn't have something worthwhile to say. She was right, which she learned; if you compromise yourself, you may not be able to comeback from whatever you gave yourself up to.
It is important we recognize when we are compromising ourselves. There are times when compromise is necessary, especially in marriage, but even then there are limitations. What is happening is many people give up so much of who they are without any true understanding of what they are giving up. Then, when they go inside themselves they find nothingness and loneliness. They look up and everyone they have given to have taken and gone. They are left to figure out how to get what they need. Oftentimes, they have to do without because they have compromised too much. When you lay down for people, they have a hard time when you try to get up on your feet.
Know who you are. Know why you want and need. Find a way to get it and learn to say no.
I know, I know. She killed herself with drugs, but that doesn't mean she didn't have something worthwhile to say. She was right, which she learned; if you compromise yourself, you may not be able to comeback from whatever you gave yourself up to.
It is important we recognize when we are compromising ourselves. There are times when compromise is necessary, especially in marriage, but even then there are limitations. What is happening is many people give up so much of who they are without any true understanding of what they are giving up. Then, when they go inside themselves they find nothingness and loneliness. They look up and everyone they have given to have taken and gone. They are left to figure out how to get what they need. Oftentimes, they have to do without because they have compromised too much. When you lay down for people, they have a hard time when you try to get up on your feet.
Know who you are. Know why you want and need. Find a way to get it and learn to say no.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
wHOSE RESPONSIBLE?
Responsibility
"Take full responsiblity for your own performance, for every success and every failure. That starts you on the road toward accomplishment. Make yourself responsible to others through honesty, good will, and fair play. That will make your journey truly rewarding."
Be the person you know you can be.
"Take full responsiblity for your own performance, for every success and every failure. That starts you on the road toward accomplishment. Make yourself responsible to others through honesty, good will, and fair play. That will make your journey truly rewarding."
Be the person you know you can be.
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