Since my husband has been taking his mediation, he has been sleeping a lot better. He still has problems breathing because fluid is building up in his body. He somehow keeps ignoring the fact he is in kidney failure.
Even though he threw up blood Weds, Thurs, and Friday of last week, he still can somehow overlook the fact. I cannot. It is getting to me. More and more I am turned off by his lack of self-care. It is very unattractive.
He never asks me how I'm doing in relation to what he's going through. He really does have the expectation that I will take care of him. I can see there is no doubt in his mind. My problem is I think he thinks I'm supposed to WANT to do it. Yes, I vowed to, but I don't want to.
I can't stand throw up, especially not bloody throw up, but he'll do it and leave the pan in the middle of the floor like he has someone to empty it for him. I finally had to say something because I'm not a nurse and I don't have the stomach for the whole thing. I'm okay with talking to him about his feelings, when he can recognize them, but all the rest is not for me. I don't mind making sure he eats right and has what he needs, but I am not a nurse. I cannot successfully make myself grin and bear it. It makes me sick to see him sick.
Chronic illness is torture for both the ill person and the ones that live with them.
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