I miss being married and having someone to share my day-to-day with. Whenever something happens, I think of the man I married first. I still want to share everything with him and I can't. This is the tragedy of separation and divorce. They cut you off from that which you have desired the most and for the longest. We had so many years in and to have it all fall down was hard for me.
I know the separation is for the best and the only answer for us. Still, it does not stop me from being desirous of a healthy, loving relationship. Don't know if I'll ever marry again. Right know, I just miss being married.
Showing posts with label black love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label black love. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
She Read the Books
I received a message on Facebook from a woman who relocated her from LA. She said she found two of my books in the lobby of Hotel Louisville and wanted to talk to me. I called her and the first question she asked was, "Do you believe in God?"
I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."
On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.
Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.
Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.
The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.
People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.
It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.
I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."
On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.
Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.
Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.
The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.
People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.
It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.
Why the Truth Hurts
"The survival of the black man is in crisis. He is dying a shameful unnatural death. He is rejected by his woman and detached from his own seed. Slavery fractured his birthright ego, so he fails as a husband, father and son. His problems are too big now so he has no value for life, and no matter how hard he tries he just can't get it together and without divine intervention he will continue to self-destruct." Shahrazad Ali/The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding Black Men."
This book caused a huge stir when it was first released. No one wanted to hear what she had to say because she revealed by using generalizations and stereotypes the truth about how black folk are relating to each other, especially that black man and woman.
Once again, this blog is not about blaming slavery for all our woes. Slavery is only mentioned to point out where many of our misconceptions about who we are come from.
"And yes, the effects of slavery still rank as number one in the dismemberment of the black home and displacement of the black man; but the number two problem stems from contributing neglect of an internal nature that takes the form of a) disunity, b) distrust, c) bad choices." Shahrazad Ali/The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding Black Men
Distrust
Black folk have contributed greatly to the belief that blacks cannot be trusted. We have come to believe it ourselves and will oftentimes go out of our way not to patronize each other, or to help each other in need. Within the intimate relationship most things are met with suspicion.
Disunity
Many black folk love to talk about the "crab-in-the barrel" scenario where as one black person tries to climb up and out of dire circumstances; the others try to keep him down. Again, this is something that was handed down to us. It has manifested itself in many ways. There are people who won't be happy for you no matter what. There are some who will try to hold you back and keep you down. Unfortunately being human, there can be a tendency towards jealously and an unwillingness to try to achieve what you feel another has because many blacks feel they are stifled by the institutionalized racism that does exist. It has become popular in our nation to "hate." Until we stop this, we will not get to where we want to be.
Bad Choices
Ultimately for those black, white, blue are green; bad choices is the downfall of them all. We can choose a different existence, yes even in this racially charges climate country we live in. It literally happens everyday that someone is able to achieve great success, even as a black person. Until we develop individual and collective self-love for ourselves and our black skin, we just may keep on pointing the finger ignoring the other four that is pointing back at us.
Love, Peace and Soul
This book caused a huge stir when it was first released. No one wanted to hear what she had to say because she revealed by using generalizations and stereotypes the truth about how black folk are relating to each other, especially that black man and woman.
Once again, this blog is not about blaming slavery for all our woes. Slavery is only mentioned to point out where many of our misconceptions about who we are come from.
"And yes, the effects of slavery still rank as number one in the dismemberment of the black home and displacement of the black man; but the number two problem stems from contributing neglect of an internal nature that takes the form of a) disunity, b) distrust, c) bad choices." Shahrazad Ali/The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding Black Men
Distrust
Black folk have contributed greatly to the belief that blacks cannot be trusted. We have come to believe it ourselves and will oftentimes go out of our way not to patronize each other, or to help each other in need. Within the intimate relationship most things are met with suspicion.
Disunity
Many black folk love to talk about the "crab-in-the barrel" scenario where as one black person tries to climb up and out of dire circumstances; the others try to keep him down. Again, this is something that was handed down to us. It has manifested itself in many ways. There are people who won't be happy for you no matter what. There are some who will try to hold you back and keep you down. Unfortunately being human, there can be a tendency towards jealously and an unwillingness to try to achieve what you feel another has because many blacks feel they are stifled by the institutionalized racism that does exist. It has become popular in our nation to "hate." Until we stop this, we will not get to where we want to be.
Bad Choices
Ultimately for those black, white, blue are green; bad choices is the downfall of them all. We can choose a different existence, yes even in this racially charges climate country we live in. It literally happens everyday that someone is able to achieve great success, even as a black person. Until we develop individual and collective self-love for ourselves and our black skin, we just may keep on pointing the finger ignoring the other four that is pointing back at us.
Love, Peace and Soul
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
What I Am Trying to Do
It is my hope by connecting the dots from past to present we are able to see how the plantation mentality is flourishing still today in our everyday lives.
Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.
Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."
These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.
Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.
Quote:
"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage
Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.
We think because we can, they can and this is not true.
Quote:
"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage
Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.
A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.
So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.
WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.
Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.
Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."
These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.
Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.
Quote:
"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage
Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.
We think because we can, they can and this is not true.
Quote:
"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage
Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.
A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.
So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.
WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.
Why I Wear My Natural
Besides the fact I think I am beautiful with my closely cropped hair, the biggest part of why I wear my hair short is explained in this quote:
"Thus the black woman is never free of the painful reminder that she must be transformed from her natural state to some other state in order to appear presentable to her fellow men."
It is so said, but still true today that black women are spending enormous amounts of money to transform themselves into what they have been brainwashed into believing is more acceptable and better looking than what they were given to work with naturally.
I am shocked and amazed more and more by the number of places you can buy hair now. It won't be long before you'll be able to buy tracks at truck stops. The demand is just that great.
The women that really get to me are the ones who think they are do their own extensions, weaves, etc. They often look like somebody didn't finish or did it with their eyes closed. Everything has it place. But this out and out denial of who you are instead of trying to assimilate and associate with the other is down right ridiculous.
It wouldn't be so bad if you could live a normal life, but once women do this to their hair, they become slaves to it. Often foregoing activities for the sake of keeping straight hair which is not theirs in the first place. Lawd hab mercy!
I wear my hair short because that is the way nature planned and it is all right with me. Both my daughters are natural and they love it. We spend too much time trying to be who we are not. We claim we want a real man, but spend hours putting on fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake teeth and nails. In the end, what is real about us?
"Thus the black woman is never free of the painful reminder that she must be transformed from her natural state to some other state in order to appear presentable to her fellow men."
It is so said, but still true today that black women are spending enormous amounts of money to transform themselves into what they have been brainwashed into believing is more acceptable and better looking than what they were given to work with naturally.
I am shocked and amazed more and more by the number of places you can buy hair now. It won't be long before you'll be able to buy tracks at truck stops. The demand is just that great.
The women that really get to me are the ones who think they are do their own extensions, weaves, etc. They often look like somebody didn't finish or did it with their eyes closed. Everything has it place. But this out and out denial of who you are instead of trying to assimilate and associate with the other is down right ridiculous.
It wouldn't be so bad if you could live a normal life, but once women do this to their hair, they become slaves to it. Often foregoing activities for the sake of keeping straight hair which is not theirs in the first place. Lawd hab mercy!
I wear my hair short because that is the way nature planned and it is all right with me. Both my daughters are natural and they love it. We spend too much time trying to be who we are not. We claim we want a real man, but spend hours putting on fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake teeth and nails. In the end, what is real about us?
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