What can marriage do for you?
Well, I am so glad you asked. Marriage is a character reveler and/or builder. I know I would not be the woman I am today had I not married the man I did. Our union tested ever belief, conviction and thought I had about what marriage was about.
I learned humility, compassion, self-love, and my self-esteem grew during my marriage. I learned to be quiet and that I should pick my battles and that love, true love does not hurt.
Marriage can help you decided what kind of life you want to live, how you want your children to be reared and whether or not you are the person you say you want to be.
My marriage consistently challenged me to look at myself in every situation and decided if I was being who I really wanted to be. Marriage gave me permission to explore my sensuality and unleash my sexuality.
Marriage challenges your ego to surrender for the sake of another. It gives your heart the needed exercise when you focus on an other's happiness. Marriage gives you someone for you. That partner who says, "I want to see you smile. What can I do to make you smile today?"
If you have someone in your life willing to let you be you and love you anyway, you need to kiss the very ground they walk on cause you have found a good thing.
Marriage is for those ready to grow, give, live and love.
Showing posts with label compassion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label compassion. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
What I Am Trying to Do
It is my hope by connecting the dots from past to present we are able to see how the plantation mentality is flourishing still today in our everyday lives.
Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.
Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."
These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.
Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.
Quote:
"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage
Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.
We think because we can, they can and this is not true.
Quote:
"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage
Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.
A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.
So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.
WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.
Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.
Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."
These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.
Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.
Quote:
"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage
Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.
We think because we can, they can and this is not true.
Quote:
"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage
Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.
A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.
So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.
WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.
How To Prevent Unwanted Pregnancy
Say what you want to folk are going to have sex. Sex is a natural as breathing, eating, sleeping. Sex is a mush if we are to survive as a human race. Yet, we are still so warped in our thinking about sex until we still have an abundance of unwanted pregnancies.
The way to prevent unwanted pregnancies for teenagers or adults is to help folk figure out what is in their best interest.
Oftentimes parents do not want to talk about sex because of their own hangups. First, parents need to get over themselves and accept their responsibility to protect their children. Protection goes far beyond preaching to them the virtues of abstinence. We all know how far that goes up against nature and it powerful drives.
What is needed is information and open communication. Girls and boys should be taught that sex is a natural and necessary part of human development. Along with this knowledge they should be told they are capable of suppressing these desires, if they so choose. They should be made aware that they have the mental capacity to figure out how a child would impact their immediate future and bee allowed to make the decision whether having a child is in their best interest.
What teen aged girl or boy of average understanding would say they want to interrupt their childhood to take care of a child? Only providing one option, abstinence, is what has gotten us to this place thus far.
We need to share our personal stories with our children. Many do not want to do that for fear of being judged over the revelation that many of them got pregnant before they were ready and were not married. Instead, these parents lay down their law which cannot go up against the law of nature.
We consistently try to fight battles we cannot win with demands and dictates that bear no fruit. Give your teenager the information, help them brainstorm, imagine, and visualize what their lives would be like if they brought a child into the world. The truth is deterrent enough if we would only embrace it.
Our fear of sex is killing us. I heard there are some that are likening providing birth control to teenagers is the equivalent to passing out drug paraphernalia. Really? It is amazing how far folk will go to keep from dealing with reality.
The solution is so simple. Acceptance and education. We need to accept that our children will eventually have sex and educate them properly so they may make good choices when the time comes.
The way to prevent unwanted pregnancies for teenagers or adults is to help folk figure out what is in their best interest.
Oftentimes parents do not want to talk about sex because of their own hangups. First, parents need to get over themselves and accept their responsibility to protect their children. Protection goes far beyond preaching to them the virtues of abstinence. We all know how far that goes up against nature and it powerful drives.
What is needed is information and open communication. Girls and boys should be taught that sex is a natural and necessary part of human development. Along with this knowledge they should be told they are capable of suppressing these desires, if they so choose. They should be made aware that they have the mental capacity to figure out how a child would impact their immediate future and bee allowed to make the decision whether having a child is in their best interest.
What teen aged girl or boy of average understanding would say they want to interrupt their childhood to take care of a child? Only providing one option, abstinence, is what has gotten us to this place thus far.
We need to share our personal stories with our children. Many do not want to do that for fear of being judged over the revelation that many of them got pregnant before they were ready and were not married. Instead, these parents lay down their law which cannot go up against the law of nature.
We consistently try to fight battles we cannot win with demands and dictates that bear no fruit. Give your teenager the information, help them brainstorm, imagine, and visualize what their lives would be like if they brought a child into the world. The truth is deterrent enough if we would only embrace it.
Our fear of sex is killing us. I heard there are some that are likening providing birth control to teenagers is the equivalent to passing out drug paraphernalia. Really? It is amazing how far folk will go to keep from dealing with reality.
The solution is so simple. Acceptance and education. We need to accept that our children will eventually have sex and educate them properly so they may make good choices when the time comes.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Taking Care of Myself
Thank God for getting older and wiser. I do feel wise in many ways. The most important is that I have learned I am truly no good to anyone if I do not take care of myself. Little else matters if I am not feeling my best, doing my best, or striving for my best.
It is time for me to take a hiatus. It is time for me to move forward and beyond the day-to-day. I need a break from it all and I am going to give that to myself. I deserve the best life possible and no one is going to give me permission to have it. No one is going to tell me they don't want me to do something for them, so I can do for myself. My kids aren't going to step more, my husband is never going to appreciate the woman he has in me and the folk I work for only wants to make sure I punch in every night.
I care about me. I care that I feel empty sometimes. Like all I do is for nothing. It is because it's not for me. So just like everyone else, if it ain't about me, it ain't about nothing. That is my new motto. I am going to take care of me.
So, that means I won't be around for awhile. I won't be available to "help you out." I am first from this day to the next until I die. I am taking care of myself.
It is time for me to take a hiatus. It is time for me to move forward and beyond the day-to-day. I need a break from it all and I am going to give that to myself. I deserve the best life possible and no one is going to give me permission to have it. No one is going to tell me they don't want me to do something for them, so I can do for myself. My kids aren't going to step more, my husband is never going to appreciate the woman he has in me and the folk I work for only wants to make sure I punch in every night.
I care about me. I care that I feel empty sometimes. Like all I do is for nothing. It is because it's not for me. So just like everyone else, if it ain't about me, it ain't about nothing. That is my new motto. I am going to take care of me.
So, that means I won't be around for awhile. I won't be available to "help you out." I am first from this day to the next until I die. I am taking care of myself.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Raising A Compassionate Child
My 14 year old was accosted on her birthday by a young boy who thought she would not fight back. He hit her in the mouth and busted her lip. She choked him until someone saved him.
I was ready to press charges against the boy, but my daughter did not want that. She wanted to try to talk to him to resolve the issue because she wanted to have no animosity against the boy. "It shouldn't have happened. I don't want to be walking around mad at people."
I was so proud of her. She confronted him and initiated making peace with him. I would much have rather pressed charges. He needs to learn he is not to hit girls. Especially, if she didn't hit you first.
I feel proud to have raised a compassionate child. She will be the better for her actions. I am sure she taught him a thing or two, in more ways than one.
I was ready to press charges against the boy, but my daughter did not want that. She wanted to try to talk to him to resolve the issue because she wanted to have no animosity against the boy. "It shouldn't have happened. I don't want to be walking around mad at people."
I was so proud of her. She confronted him and initiated making peace with him. I would much have rather pressed charges. He needs to learn he is not to hit girls. Especially, if she didn't hit you first.
I feel proud to have raised a compassionate child. She will be the better for her actions. I am sure she taught him a thing or two, in more ways than one.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
14 and Counting
My youngest child is 14 today. She is the sweetest devil I know. I am counting down the years to college. I am ready to do me. I am tired of being mommy. I want to be Meme.
She has matured greatly and I appreciate her warm ways and true expressions of love. She is smart and capable. She loves acting and singing and want to be a star. She already is in my eyes.
Happy Birthday dear!
She has matured greatly and I appreciate her warm ways and true expressions of love. She is smart and capable. She loves acting and singing and want to be a star. She already is in my eyes.
Happy Birthday dear!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
BCS-Basic Communication Skills-2
Perception Checking
A second basic skill for understanding the other person is checking with him to make sure that you understand his feelings. This skill complements paraphrasing in that it focuses on the affective aspects of the message rather than ideas. To check you perception of the other's feelings, you describe what you perceive to be his feelings. This description should tentatively identify the other's feelings without expressing approval or disapproval of the feelings and without attempting to interpret or explain the causes of the feelings. Checking the feelings of another conveys this message: "This is how I understand your feelings. Am I accurate?
Understanding the feelings of others is a difficult task. Emotional states express themselves simultaneously in words and in nonverbal behavior such as body movements and physiological changes. Quite often the nonverbal cues are the only accurate source of information available for understanding the other's feelings. Instead of resting your fist inference about the meaning of these ambiguous cues' perception-checking allow you to verify your assumptions about the emotions the other person is experiencing. An additional benefit of perception-checking is that it conveys the idea that you want to understand the other as a person. Thus it has potential for improving interpersonal relations as well as increasing clarity of communication.
A second basic skill for understanding the other person is checking with him to make sure that you understand his feelings. This skill complements paraphrasing in that it focuses on the affective aspects of the message rather than ideas. To check you perception of the other's feelings, you describe what you perceive to be his feelings. This description should tentatively identify the other's feelings without expressing approval or disapproval of the feelings and without attempting to interpret or explain the causes of the feelings. Checking the feelings of another conveys this message: "This is how I understand your feelings. Am I accurate?
Understanding the feelings of others is a difficult task. Emotional states express themselves simultaneously in words and in nonverbal behavior such as body movements and physiological changes. Quite often the nonverbal cues are the only accurate source of information available for understanding the other's feelings. Instead of resting your fist inference about the meaning of these ambiguous cues' perception-checking allow you to verify your assumptions about the emotions the other person is experiencing. An additional benefit of perception-checking is that it conveys the idea that you want to understand the other as a person. Thus it has potential for improving interpersonal relations as well as increasing clarity of communication.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Success
What is success? It is being the best you can be everyday. It is setting high standards of conduct and achievement for yourself, then striving to live up to those standards and never settling for anything less. True winners in life are committed to this idea of success.
When I was in the 1oth grade, I wrote an essay about what I thought success meant. I basically said the same as about. I have been successful all my life because I have always held myself to an extremely high standard.
Be committed to being successful.
When I was in the 1oth grade, I wrote an essay about what I thought success meant. I basically said the same as about. I have been successful all my life because I have always held myself to an extremely high standard.
Be committed to being successful.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sleep Walking
"To live consciously is to be present in twhat you are doing: to understand how to futher your intersts and goals; to be aware both of the external world and your inner world. No practice is more sefl-empowering--and it is not difficult to see why. Living consciously is both a cause of self-esteem and an effect. The more you live consciously, the more you truat our mind and respect your worth. The more you trust your mind and respect your worth the more natural it feels to live consciously."
Many of us are literally sleep walking through life. We let others dictate how we live and what we do. We work jobs for the money and then are too tired to spend it because we are exhausted from trying to be, trying to, instead of recognizing the important of being a human being, not a human doing.
What is even worse is that most of us don't trust ourselves and it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why. We have let ourselves down more than anyone else could ever know. It is because we are not conscious we experience this numbness and confusion in our lives.
WAKE UP!
Many of us are literally sleep walking through life. We let others dictate how we live and what we do. We work jobs for the money and then are too tired to spend it because we are exhausted from trying to be, trying to, instead of recognizing the important of being a human being, not a human doing.
What is even worse is that most of us don't trust ourselves and it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why. We have let ourselves down more than anyone else could ever know. It is because we are not conscious we experience this numbness and confusion in our lives.
WAKE UP!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Doing Good
I know I've written about how doing going does not always turn out good. When this happens in a marriage, it is even more devastating. Everyday I am faced with the fact I put forth effort and failed.
I did more than try to change I actually did and although the changes I have made will benefit me the rest of my life, it still does not take away the pain of knowing I will never have a husband in the man I married.
Today I said to him, "Well at least we have a lot of good memories." He said, "Yeah, I have a lot of them." We both put forth effort, it just isn't meant to be the type of marriage we had hoped. We are too different, not enough in common, and marginally compatible, but we managed to stay together for over 25 years. Ours is a true testament to the fact that people can learn to get along with each other successfully, no matter how different they are.
Still, having to change the way I view our relationship is sad to me. I can no longer lean on hope to get me through these last years. I have to face the reality each day that my husband has not grown enough, is not secure enough to be the man he could be if he only had worked harder.
One of the key life lessons I needed to learn was compassion. I learned, but it didn't help the marriage. Doing good does not always turn out good.
I did more than try to change I actually did and although the changes I have made will benefit me the rest of my life, it still does not take away the pain of knowing I will never have a husband in the man I married.
Today I said to him, "Well at least we have a lot of good memories." He said, "Yeah, I have a lot of them." We both put forth effort, it just isn't meant to be the type of marriage we had hoped. We are too different, not enough in common, and marginally compatible, but we managed to stay together for over 25 years. Ours is a true testament to the fact that people can learn to get along with each other successfully, no matter how different they are.
Still, having to change the way I view our relationship is sad to me. I can no longer lean on hope to get me through these last years. I have to face the reality each day that my husband has not grown enough, is not secure enough to be the man he could be if he only had worked harder.
One of the key life lessons I needed to learn was compassion. I learned, but it didn't help the marriage. Doing good does not always turn out good.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Believe
It is amazing how you can meet someone who reminds you of yourself. This has happened to me and I am compelled to try to help this person, because she is much younger than I and already has made so many bad choices.
To find the right words is often hard and I really wonder if I should even say anything because who am I to think I know her because she reminds me of myself? She reminds me of when I was unable to focus, having rapid thoughts, and a vivid imagination that took me from one project to the other, never quite finishing any of them.
I want to tell her that there will come a time in life when you recognize you need to take care of yourself. I can only hope it will be sooner, rather than later in her life. I spent so much of my youth angry, lonely, overwhelmed and lacking true discipline. Now that I am 48, hindsight is 20/20; I see where I went wrong, or could have been more patient, or should have just not done anything. I can see how hating myself, even for a minute, casued me undue stress and humiliation.
I want to believe I can help her.
To find the right words is often hard and I really wonder if I should even say anything because who am I to think I know her because she reminds me of myself? She reminds me of when I was unable to focus, having rapid thoughts, and a vivid imagination that took me from one project to the other, never quite finishing any of them.
I want to tell her that there will come a time in life when you recognize you need to take care of yourself. I can only hope it will be sooner, rather than later in her life. I spent so much of my youth angry, lonely, overwhelmed and lacking true discipline. Now that I am 48, hindsight is 20/20; I see where I went wrong, or could have been more patient, or should have just not done anything. I can see how hating myself, even for a minute, casued me undue stress and humiliation.
I want to believe I can help her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)