"The survival of the black man is in crisis. He is dying a shameful unnatural death. He is rejected by his woman and detached from his own seed. Slavery fractured his birthright ego, so he fails as a husband, father and son. His problems are too big now so he has no value for life, and no matter how hard he tries he just can't get it together and without divine intervention he will continue to self-destruct." Shahrazad Ali/The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding Black Men."
This book caused a huge stir when it was first released. No one wanted to hear what she had to say because she revealed by using generalizations and stereotypes the truth about how black folk are relating to each other, especially that black man and woman.
Once again, this blog is not about blaming slavery for all our woes. Slavery is only mentioned to point out where many of our misconceptions about who we are come from.
"And yes, the effects of slavery still rank as number one in the dismemberment of the black home and displacement of the black man; but the number two problem stems from contributing neglect of an internal nature that takes the form of a) disunity, b) distrust, c) bad choices." Shahrazad Ali/The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding Black Men
Distrust
Black folk have contributed greatly to the belief that blacks cannot be trusted. We have come to believe it ourselves and will oftentimes go out of our way not to patronize each other, or to help each other in need. Within the intimate relationship most things are met with suspicion.
Disunity
Many black folk love to talk about the "crab-in-the barrel" scenario where as one black person tries to climb up and out of dire circumstances; the others try to keep him down. Again, this is something that was handed down to us. It has manifested itself in many ways. There are people who won't be happy for you no matter what. There are some who will try to hold you back and keep you down. Unfortunately being human, there can be a tendency towards jealously and an unwillingness to try to achieve what you feel another has because many blacks feel they are stifled by the institutionalized racism that does exist. It has become popular in our nation to "hate." Until we stop this, we will not get to where we want to be.
Bad Choices
Ultimately for those black, white, blue are green; bad choices is the downfall of them all. We can choose a different existence, yes even in this racially charges climate country we live in. It literally happens everyday that someone is able to achieve great success, even as a black person. Until we develop individual and collective self-love for ourselves and our black skin, we just may keep on pointing the finger ignoring the other four that is pointing back at us.
Love, Peace and Soul
Showing posts with label unity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unity. Show all posts
Friday, January 4, 2013
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Using My Head
I am grateful I've been able to think rationally for most of my life. The first time I fell in love I almost lost my mind. By the last time, I had it down. I realized falling in love was truly for suckers. They rarely get to know what being in love is really like.
When you learn to do what is in your best interest, you are truly using your head. Stop giving your life over to others. Think!
When you learn to do what is in your best interest, you are truly using your head. Stop giving your life over to others. Think!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Starting Over
If you have been reading my blogs, then you are aware that my marriage is raggedy. It has all the scares of a very worn 25 year relationship. Our 21st Wedding Anniversary is on June 25th. April of this year marked 25 years we have been involved with each other.
Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.
I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.
We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.
What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.
Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.
I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.
We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.
What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
They Don't Know
People get it wrong sometimes when they see love in action. Sometimes the person demonstrating the love looks like a fool for doing what they are doing, when in reality you can never really be a fool, if you are truly doing it for love.
We are afraid to love. We have become too self-conscious, too self-seeking and too unwilling to forgive the transgressions that come our way throughout our lives. When we see others, (like myself) who are willing to take a risk with their lives for the sake of unconditional love, we tend to say to ourselves, "I wouldn't. I couldn't, and they shouldn't."
Who are we to judge anyone? As a matter of fact, judging others should be the last thing on our list, but most often it is number one with a bullet.
I remember when the Long Island Lolita's boyfriend, Joey B. had her shoot his wife so he could get out of the marriage. As sick as it is, part of the reason he did it was he didn't believe in divorce and neither did his wife. He knew how strong her conviction was and he knew that only death could separate them. This was proven to be true when even after she found out her husband was behind the shooting, his wife forgave him and wanted to resume the marriage.
The country was outraged. They couldn't believe this woman would survive such a brutal shooting, (she was shot in the face) let alone, stay with the man who orchestrated her shooting. She stayed because she did not believe in divorce, she loved her husband, and unlike her husband, she was relatively pleased with the marriage arrangement. Silly man, he could have had all the affairs he wanted and she probably wouldn't have made much of a fuss. It was his self-seeking and taking her for granted that allowed him to do what he did.
Although they tried, they were unable to stay married and divorced. They both remarried and went on with their lives. For me, I took from this that if two people want it, their marriage can survive anything. What other people think doesn't mean a thing. Not even a little, because they are not the ones who have to deal with the day-to-day.
We have to live our own lives, no matter the cost especially when it comes to creating our own families. It would be wonderful if we could experience more balance in our lives, but it won't happen until we become more balanced ourselves. If allowed, marriage can bring two people to a point of understanding and agreeableness that will allow each party to feel alive and loved in the unit.
What usually happens is people can't come to an agreement or agree to disagree. One or both parties want their way and the other is unwilling to give it. Why can't we all just get along?
We are afraid to love. We have become too self-conscious, too self-seeking and too unwilling to forgive the transgressions that come our way throughout our lives. When we see others, (like myself) who are willing to take a risk with their lives for the sake of unconditional love, we tend to say to ourselves, "I wouldn't. I couldn't, and they shouldn't."
Who are we to judge anyone? As a matter of fact, judging others should be the last thing on our list, but most often it is number one with a bullet.
I remember when the Long Island Lolita's boyfriend, Joey B. had her shoot his wife so he could get out of the marriage. As sick as it is, part of the reason he did it was he didn't believe in divorce and neither did his wife. He knew how strong her conviction was and he knew that only death could separate them. This was proven to be true when even after she found out her husband was behind the shooting, his wife forgave him and wanted to resume the marriage.
The country was outraged. They couldn't believe this woman would survive such a brutal shooting, (she was shot in the face) let alone, stay with the man who orchestrated her shooting. She stayed because she did not believe in divorce, she loved her husband, and unlike her husband, she was relatively pleased with the marriage arrangement. Silly man, he could have had all the affairs he wanted and she probably wouldn't have made much of a fuss. It was his self-seeking and taking her for granted that allowed him to do what he did.
Although they tried, they were unable to stay married and divorced. They both remarried and went on with their lives. For me, I took from this that if two people want it, their marriage can survive anything. What other people think doesn't mean a thing. Not even a little, because they are not the ones who have to deal with the day-to-day.
We have to live our own lives, no matter the cost especially when it comes to creating our own families. It would be wonderful if we could experience more balance in our lives, but it won't happen until we become more balanced ourselves. If allowed, marriage can bring two people to a point of understanding and agreeableness that will allow each party to feel alive and loved in the unit.
What usually happens is people can't come to an agreement or agree to disagree. One or both parties want their way and the other is unwilling to give it. Why can't we all just get along?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Rather Fight than Switch
When I was a kid over 35 years ago, there was a cigarette commercial that feature two cowboys preparing to have a dual in the middle of the street. One was trying to get the other to change his brand of smokes. The other guy proudly stated, "I'd rather fight than switch."
This is the stand we have to take with our marriages. It is so easy to want to give up when things are not like we want them to be, but I am here to tell you that there is no greater victory than that which comes from sticking to your guns and doing the right thing, for the right things sake.
Not many people get married thinking they are going to divorce. Yet, so many marriages end in divorce you would think it was planned from the beginning. What happens is when things hit the marriage, we blame the marriage, when in fact it is normally our inability to deal with our own issues that causes us to lose what we claim to cherish the most.
No matter what, most times if you are married and your marriage fails you are part of the problem. Yes, sometimes one spouse may be more of the problem, but it becomes your problem if you don't recognize it is their personal issue and you try to fix it. We must learn how to be supportive of each other and not try to be their parent, therapist, advisor, etc.
There is a belief held by some people who really believe they are supposed to be everything to their partners, but this is ridiculous. So many marriages fall apart because one or both parties think they know what is best for the other.
We should be on a voyage of discovery in our marriages. We should come into them with wide eyes and truly hopeful thoughts. We should not have high expectations for anyone but ourselves and plan to live up to the vows we couldn't wait to take.
Be honest, be open, keep it real.
This is the stand we have to take with our marriages. It is so easy to want to give up when things are not like we want them to be, but I am here to tell you that there is no greater victory than that which comes from sticking to your guns and doing the right thing, for the right things sake.
Not many people get married thinking they are going to divorce. Yet, so many marriages end in divorce you would think it was planned from the beginning. What happens is when things hit the marriage, we blame the marriage, when in fact it is normally our inability to deal with our own issues that causes us to lose what we claim to cherish the most.
No matter what, most times if you are married and your marriage fails you are part of the problem. Yes, sometimes one spouse may be more of the problem, but it becomes your problem if you don't recognize it is their personal issue and you try to fix it. We must learn how to be supportive of each other and not try to be their parent, therapist, advisor, etc.
There is a belief held by some people who really believe they are supposed to be everything to their partners, but this is ridiculous. So many marriages fall apart because one or both parties think they know what is best for the other.
We should be on a voyage of discovery in our marriages. We should come into them with wide eyes and truly hopeful thoughts. We should not have high expectations for anyone but ourselves and plan to live up to the vows we couldn't wait to take.
Be honest, be open, keep it real.
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