Chronically Ill-10

My husband is down to 190 pounds. He has only be less than that once and that was due to an abrupt lifestyle change. This time it is because his kidneys are only working at 10%. It is so frightening. I told him last week I could see in his eyes that he was sick. They looked as though the life was literally being drawn out of them.

They had planned an emergency surgery, but have sense postponed it. I don't know how much longer he can wait before he collapse. Yesterday he could barely function. He'd walk to the door and come running back to the room to find a seat. His head would be spinning.

I can only provide minimal support. His level of denial is too much for me to bare. He literally said to me, "I don't know why, but this all seems so all of a sudden." I looked at him and asked, "Really?" Wow! where has he been the last two years as his kidneys have been in decline. Who was the man the doctor's have been telling that dialysis was his fate if he did not take certain precautions?

Thank God for my ability to disassociate and stay focused on the real. We could not be more different if we tried. He is a fear filled man with limited desire to make a difference in his own life. Me, I couldn't imagine giving up on me, or denying what is right before my eyes, yet, we are lovers, partners, parents. God is so amazing.

Traveling a Rough Road

My husband's memory is getting worse and worse. It is to be expected. He has had four strokes and since his last scan the prognosis was not good. Yet, it is rough dealing with not being able to remember. He asked a question and five minutes later he didn't remember what he had said. It would not be so bad if he wasn't so willing to argue about what was said, knowing all the time he doesn't really remember.

I have said it over and over. If it were not for his ego, he would be dead. His ego is what is killing him and keeping him alive. It is awful to see. I will admit I admire him for sticking to his guns no matter how stupid. Most people just give up. All I can do is be there for him and try to keep him comfortable.