Why I Have No Regrets

My husband has had what they are calling a "seizure." He is currently out of town in a hospital. The best thing about it is he has family where he is and hopefully feels supported.

I am not going to his side. I have no regrets about his decision. I gave all I had to give and I refuse to allow myself to be abused by him in any way, at any time, for any reason. His sister said he was being, "defiant," so I know what that means, he is being mean and irrational. I have been there done that.

I no longer want to stand up to the devil. I've done it too long. The battle was never mine and now that I have completely released my husband to God's will, I feel no need to watch him die. That's just not my thing. I had to put a stop to the madness or he was going to destroy me. He could not forgive me as I had forgiven him. You can't live with a person who is unforgiving. Nothing you do is never enough.

I do not regret not going to his side. I called the chaplain and asked them to tell him I loved him and I wish him well and that I would send the kids if he wanted me to, but I am not coming. I will not allow this man to ever hurt me in any way again, ever. Plain and simple.

Why Marryiage Doesn't Work In America

I completely believe to answer this question honestly you must look at the different predominate cultures in America. Hispanic, White folk, Black folk.

Right of the top, marriage last longer in the Hispanic communities because most of them are Catholic and Catholics, as a rule, do not consider divorce. They also go through a pretty rigorous training before they get married. This is done to introduce them to the realities of married life and to allow each of them to participate in scenarios and conversations that uplift the union, shine light on some of the snags and snafu's, that can occur during married life.

White folk, many of which consider themselves Christian or Jewish, handle marriage in many ways, but mainly understand the economical benefit of marriage. Although getting married for "love" is the rally cry, getting ahead through marriage is the primary goal.

Black folk, the majority of them Christian, often opt out of marriage for varies reasons. Ironically, many of them have to do with finances. You often hear women say, "We don't have enough money to get married," and yes, they are usually living with the man. These folk are uninformed about the financial benefit of merging, in legal marriage with the man they are already sharing everything with.

Many claim to marry for love, black, white, or otherwise in this country; yet we bare the highest rate of divorce in the world. Marriage doesn't work in America, because we do not respect the benefits of married life. Most of us go into marriage, holding on to romance. It is a lethal combination, because once life hits the marriage (children, mortgage, jobs, parents, friends), and there is no true agreement (marriage), all bets are off.

Our way of thinking keeps us from truly sharing our lives. Women, tell the truth, many of you run to your friends, before you do your spouse. You use the excuse he doesn't understand you, but in reality, you don't really want him to because you don't want to give him something to use against you. Well, dear, until we unmask ourselves within our marriages, we cannot get what we want.

Men do the same thing. But I think men's desire to hold on to an image of themselves keeps them from really committing to marriage. May it be the computer nerd, the womanizer, the work-a-holic, so many of them are chasing the wrong things.

Marriage will not work in American until we truly decide to give our partners what they need. The only way that can be done is to open up and let them in. Make your marriage work, starting today. Agree to disagree. Listen to your spouses dreams. Smile at them. Show them love. Now is the time.

WMHTM-2

The second lesson marriage taught me was to not to overstep my bounds. Often women start off running in their marriage. Doing things they never plan to keep up. It feels great in the beginning to do the little extras, but often they are not reciprocated, if not completely taken advantage of.

I learned to do what was needed and if I did do extra, I made sure I did it without any strings attached. I did it because I wanted the pleasure of doing something extra because I could.

Marriage taught me to do the right thing, for the sake of doing the right thing. Let doing right be its own reward.

Waiting to Exhale

I really watched the movie Waiting to Exhale yesterday. I kept referring back to how I related to it the first time I watched it. When I saw it the first time, I cheered on Bernie as she destroyed her husband's things and sold them for a $1. Now, I only see waste of emotion, time, energy, money. Today, I think she should have just been glad to know, dealt with her hurt and pain, and yes, I do believe she should have gotten what she deserved.

She did help him get to where he was and she deserved to be compensated for it. She didn't have the right to hurt him because he hurt her.

Gloria: I only related to how she related to food. I've never been the desperate, clingy type.

Whitney Houston's character didn't affect me much either. I didn't struggle with not having a man and I most definitely was not into married men. When she came to her senses, it made me feel good.

The other girl, pure foolishness. She meant it when she said she wanted everything, not knowing that translated into nothing, because she didn't know who she was.

Ironically, I related most to the Wesley Snipes character. When he described how he was watching his wife die, it really struck a cord, (as I listen to my husband vomit right now). His revelation that he loved his wife and that he would never leave her. All that sounded like something I'm living.

I get what other people see, but they don't know and what they don't know makes all the difference in the world. My husband will be loved until the day he dies. We are all here for him doing our best to make sure he knows that. My children are getting a great lesson in unconditional love. I know God's plan for me and I'm just waiting to exhale.

Chronically Ill-10

My husband is down to 190 pounds. He has only be less than that once and that was due to an abrupt lifestyle change. This time it is because his kidneys are only working at 10%. It is so frightening. I told him last week I could see in his eyes that he was sick. They looked as though the life was literally being drawn out of them.

They had planned an emergency surgery, but have sense postponed it. I don't know how much longer he can wait before he collapse. Yesterday he could barely function. He'd walk to the door and come running back to the room to find a seat. His head would be spinning.

I can only provide minimal support. His level of denial is too much for me to bare. He literally said to me, "I don't know why, but this all seems so all of a sudden." I looked at him and asked, "Really?" Wow! where has he been the last two years as his kidneys have been in decline. Who was the man the doctor's have been telling that dialysis was his fate if he did not take certain precautions?

Thank God for my ability to disassociate and stay focused on the real. We could not be more different if we tried. He is a fear filled man with limited desire to make a difference in his own life. Me, I couldn't imagine giving up on me, or denying what is right before my eyes, yet, we are lovers, partners, parents. God is so amazing.

Be The Change

So many people get hung up on what their spouse is and is not doing, that they don't recognize the log in their eye. You would be surprised how your partner would change, if you began acting like you think they should. We are mirrors of each other. God intends that we help each other grow as people.

We must allow our spouses to be themselves. Unconditional love is the order of the day. I feel so blessed to have found someone who is so different from me, but has learned to love me as I am and let me be the person I feel I need to be.

He gets me and although some of what he gets does not sit well with him, he loves me still. Be the change you want to see in your marriage.

49 and Just Fine

I am 49 today and I have come to understand what folk say when they think feel it. I really am one year from half of one hundred years old. When I think of it like that, I automatically feel I should have learned something worthwhile during my time here on earth. Being 49, I should have shared something of value and made somethine of use.

I have learned a lot and the most important is to have compassion for others. Sometimes when certains aspects, and concepts of life are easier for one to understand, they tend to believe it is the same for others. I had to learn to have compassion for those who just can't seem to get it. Some of us don't know who we are at 49. Some of still haven't learned the importance of sharing and patience. Many of us can't make our way, you know they can't contribute to society.

With knowing all of this, I could not let myself feel superior to another because I do. Instead, I have chosen to use what I have learned to help others. that really is the only way. I truly believe that learning to give and accept love is our only true mandate.

Thanks for all the well wishes and happy birthdays. I have never gotten so many. Peace, love, and soul to you all.

The Last Hour of 2010

It is quiet, for right now. They have been shooting in my neighborhood for since 9 p.m. Some of the guns sound like cannons. My husband lay on our bedroom floor in pain and moaning and praying for God to help him. He has been like this for over a week.

He fell out of the chair and began to shake. I covered him with the comforter. He laid there and moaned and cried out and asking why this was happening. Then he stopped and had a blank stair on his face. I yelled for my daughter to call 911. He got very loud and yelled, "No, I ain't going to no hospital. They don't do nothing for me."

"What about us, Jerome?"

"I'm alright baby." He said trying to really sound like he wasn't in pain.

I have no idea why he is torturing himself. I truly don't understand it. He has literally been vomiting for days. He makes gut wrenching sounds that go all through the house, turning every one's stomach. He has everyone taking care of him, helping him off the floor when he falls out, bringing him water, etc.

We all love him, but it is really hard to watch do this to himself. He is convinced he is going to die if he begins dialysis. The pain seems tremendous. I am so conflicted. He gets so angry and argues when I try to convince him to go to the hospital. I don't believe in sitting back and letting others hurt themselves. I'd hate to have to take drastic measures, but I will to save his life.

Even though this is going on, I am still happy and feeling joyous. I have been blessed with the knowledge that I am in control of my feelings and emotions, and although sad, I cannot allow what is going on with my husband to hinder me from enjoying the ride. In this last hour of 2010, I want peace and love. I just hugged my son, who is 19 and made the choice to be at home during this time. Many young men his age are out in the street, or at someones house, or club. He chose to be home. I thanked him for making the right decision.

My youngest is in her room listening to Justin Bieber. My oldest is in her room on the Internet. I am spilling my guts and my husband is throwing up his. We are all together.

I will leave so much behind with this year. I have made quantum leaps in many areas that were holding me back. I am free and at peace. It seriously amazes me at how much I have changed in regards to what I want and think I need. Last night I rocked my husband to sleep twice. He cooed like a newborn, and I felt useful. It blessed me to know my touch soothed him and I felt pleased with myself to know I genuinely wanted to take care of him.

Things could be so different, especially with all we have been through. I could be bitter and hateful. I could take advantage of his weakness and be mean to him and brutal, but I have chosen to love. I am more amazed by this revelation than anyone could imagine. You couldn't have told me that I would have chosen to love someone who has treated me as poorly as he has.

I have worked on myself. I have given myself what I need to be the woman God wants me to be. I am doing what I need to do for me, so my heart is not heavy. I carry no shame, no guilt, no burden that is not my own. I live to learn to love completely and totally just because I can. In this last hour of 2010, I plan to love the new year in.

Starting Over

If you have been reading my blogs, then you are aware that my marriage is raggedy. It has all the scares of a very worn 25 year relationship. Our 21st Wedding Anniversary is on June 25th. April of this year marked 25 years we have been involved with each other.

Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.

I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.

We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.

What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.

They Don't Know

People get it wrong sometimes when they see love in action. Sometimes the person demonstrating the love looks like a fool for doing what they are doing, when in reality you can never really be a fool, if you are truly doing it for love.

We are afraid to love. We have become too self-conscious, too self-seeking and too unwilling to forgive the transgressions that come our way throughout our lives. When we see others, (like myself) who are willing to take a risk with their lives for the sake of unconditional love, we tend to say to ourselves, "I wouldn't. I couldn't, and they shouldn't."
Who are we to judge anyone? As a matter of fact, judging others should be the last thing on our list, but most often it is number one with a bullet.

I remember when the Long Island Lolita's boyfriend, Joey B. had her shoot his wife so he could get out of the marriage. As sick as it is, part of the reason he did it was he didn't believe in divorce and neither did his wife. He knew how strong her conviction was and he knew that only death could separate them. This was proven to be true when even after she found out her husband was behind the shooting, his wife forgave him and wanted to resume the marriage.

The country was outraged. They couldn't believe this woman would survive such a brutal shooting, (she was shot in the face) let alone, stay with the man who orchestrated her shooting. She stayed because she did not believe in divorce, she loved her husband, and unlike her husband, she was relatively pleased with the marriage arrangement. Silly man, he could have had all the affairs he wanted and she probably wouldn't have made much of a fuss. It was his self-seeking and taking her for granted that allowed him to do what he did.

Although they tried, they were unable to stay married and divorced. They both remarried and went on with their lives. For me, I took from this that if two people want it, their marriage can survive anything. What other people think doesn't mean a thing. Not even a little, because they are not the ones who have to deal with the day-to-day.

We have to live our own lives, no matter the cost especially when it comes to creating our own families. It would be wonderful if we could experience more balance in our lives, but it won't happen until we become more balanced ourselves. If allowed, marriage can bring two people to a point of understanding and agreeableness that will allow each party to feel alive and loved in the unit.

What usually happens is people can't come to an agreement or agree to disagree. One or both parties want their way and the other is unwilling to give it. Why can't we all just get along?

Doing It to Death

My husband and I are in this thing for the long haul. We have so much to be grateful for and we know it. We have had a rough time. Strong personalities such as ours makes for a pretty row to hoe, but we keep cultivating and planting seeds in hopes something wonderful will grow from the union other than our great children.

We are doing this marriage thing to death. We are going to milk every ounce of good out of this relationship and hopefully one day be an example for others who are letting their personalities ruin the union. We want them to know that at some point, if you both are willing, things will get better.