Living in God's Will

It has become old hat, living within God's will and because of it, each day I am more and more blessed. I have completely let go of my husband and he is doing just fine without me. He needed help, but not necessarily from me. He was unable to appreciate what I did for him, maybe he will be more grateful for his home nurse.

It is still sort of hard for me to believe that he could not accept the love and caring I was willing to continue to provide for him. Yet, I fully understand why. He is a lost soul crashing his way through life without a clue. His selfishness and inability to empathize with others allows him to be dismissive and cruel. He is alone and should be happy. He did all he could to push his family away.

Living in God's will has freed me completely from all the pain and strife I experienced while trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. I accept my role in the loss of my marriage. I gave too much, too long and for the wrong reasons. I was trying desperately to get something from a man who tried and succeeded in not giving it.

When we first met, he told me, "If a bitch thinks I'll fall in love with her she's crazy. I don't love no woman but my momma."

I clearly remember the surge of anger that when through me when he made that proclamation. I responded. "Well, you are in the wrong house, because I am love."

What I should have said is , "You need to leave now because I'll spend 26 years trying to make you love me."

That is what happened. I spent a helluva lot of time not receiving what I needed. Now, I know God wants me to have something real and I have woken up just in time. I have at least another 30 years to be loved by someone who is capable of doing it. I will wait because I am living within God's will.

Never Say Never

Even though I am willing to see what interracial dating is all about, I still do not believe in it. I am to the point where it doesn't matter anymore. I just want someone who is going to love me and if that happens to be a white man, so be it. I need to be in a loving relationship. That is who I am and how I want to be.

I refuse to settle for less. I a moving forward and I will be loved.

Why You Can Love; When You Can't Trust

The great thing about love is it does not need any other emotion to survive. Nothing makes love better or worse because love surpasses better or worse. Trust has nothing to do with love either. Trust is about you, not the other person. It is inevitable someone we trust will disappoint us. The more they stay within the parameters of what we expect, we develop what we feel is the ability to trust them. It may be, but we must no lean on the belief it will always be that way.

Each of us have a mission, a person in this life. It is solely our responsibility to recognize, accept, or reject what we have chosen. Whether you know it our not, it is your choices that make up what will become your life, after you are on your own, of course. Most of us are slaves to what others want from us when we are young, but once we become "grown" it is our choices that make or brake us.

I chose the wrong man to marry plain and simple. There is nothing remarkable about that, or surprising. What is remarkable and surprising is I chose to stick with the mistake and let it play itself out because I sincerely felt that was part of my purpose in life. I was so into what was unfolding that when the end came, I was in shock. I was ready and poised to ride it to death did us part.

Even though as I was going through the valley, I would sometimes question whether what I was experiencing was really meant to be forever, I did it anyway. I stayed the coarse, even though I knew I could not trust him.

I could not trust my husband from the day I met him, but I rarely acted like it. I always chose to let it go, to forgive. In the beginning, it would take me months to get to forgiveness. As the years went by, I got to forgiveness much faster, until my forgiveness muscle was rock strong and fully firing. I can forgive immediately now. Without hesitation, you are forgiven, unless I chose not to, of course.

Once I understood, that for me, trust became an issue of how I handled disappointment. That my faith required me to lean on God, not man. What I believe calls for me to do the right thing for the right things sake, not because of what I may/ or may not gain from doing so. You have to love to be able to trust. Trust cannot come before love and when it does the relationship will most definitely not last.

For many, a break in trust is all about them. They rarely take the time to really try to understand why they person is not able to be trustworthy. Most people are not because self-preservation is so strong. People will put you down in a minute, if it means they will gain. We see this time and time again, but do not recognize it for what it truly is. Spiritual warfare! No one really wants to be though of as untrustworthy, but when their soul ain't right, they are libel to do anything. I learned this lesson well with my husband.

Why Patience is A Virtue

Being naturally patient, I sometimes laugh at people who are in a hurry to go nowhere. You know the ones who will pass you on the road, only to get to the light and it turns red. They may be in front, but they still have to wait.

Waiting? Waiting seems to be a bad thing for most people. They want what they want and they want it now. Me, on the other hand, has always been willing to wait for what is meant for me and to achieve the goals, dreams, and desires I have for my life.

Waiting has gotten me much more than being impatient ever has. Patience is a virtue because it tempers the soul and humbles the ego. Waiting builds character. A person who can wait understands it is not all about them. They recognize there are other factors and are willing to allow them to unfold.

Impatience breeds disappointment because most times much of the important stuff is left out in haste. Being patient allow you to think and decide. Impatience usually precedes impulsiveness, which leads to disappointment.

Patience allows us to grow closer to God, especially if we are seeking His while waiting for an outcome.

No Harm, No Foul

I'm done with it. My whole marriage, that is. I'm done with thinking about it, wanting to talk about, or even feel about it.

I was asked, "do you feel like you've been scarred?"

"No, because I have accepted my role in the demise of the marriage. I spent the last seven years repenting and trying to redeem myself for the wrongs I have committed."

This is true. When I filed for divorce back in 2004, I began to look at myself and deal with the problems I presented in the marriage. By doing so, I was able to take more responsibility for the fact it was ended, but I also became more compassionate towards my husband.

I decided I wanted to try to reconcile. I presented the idea to him and he agreed but he didn't really mean it. He has never forgiven me for anything I've done to him even though I have done all I could to right my wrongs.

Now that I am free and in one piece I'm done with all that drama. When I think of him and a negative thought pops in my head, I pray for him and ask God to keep him and guide him. I only think of the good memories, if I allow myself to think about him at all.

Tomorrow, August 1, 2011, begins a new era in my life. My marriage gave me the confidence to be the woman I want to be. I am risk taker, a lover of life, a child of God, and a giver of love. I am at peace and feel blessed to be alive and thankful for the opportunity to learn how to love the hard way.

No harm, no foul, I survived living and sleeping with the devil with a minor scratch. I'm good!

Waiting to Exhale

I really watched the movie Waiting to Exhale yesterday. I kept referring back to how I related to it the first time I watched it. When I saw it the first time, I cheered on Bernie as she destroyed her husband's things and sold them for a $1. Now, I only see waste of emotion, time, energy, money. Today, I think she should have just been glad to know, dealt with her hurt and pain, and yes, I do believe she should have gotten what she deserved.

She did help him get to where he was and she deserved to be compensated for it. She didn't have the right to hurt him because he hurt her.

Gloria: I only related to how she related to food. I've never been the desperate, clingy type.

Whitney Houston's character didn't affect me much either. I didn't struggle with not having a man and I most definitely was not into married men. When she came to her senses, it made me feel good.

The other girl, pure foolishness. She meant it when she said she wanted everything, not knowing that translated into nothing, because she didn't know who she was.

Ironically, I related most to the Wesley Snipes character. When he described how he was watching his wife die, it really struck a cord, (as I listen to my husband vomit right now). His revelation that he loved his wife and that he would never leave her. All that sounded like something I'm living.

I get what other people see, but they don't know and what they don't know makes all the difference in the world. My husband will be loved until the day he dies. We are all here for him doing our best to make sure he knows that. My children are getting a great lesson in unconditional love. I know God's plan for me and I'm just waiting to exhale.

Not Meant to Be

When I was in my early twenties, I had high hopes for love. I had met someone who opened me up to parts of myself I was not fully aware of. I found myself focusing on him and truly believing these things were revealed because he was the one for me. He didn't feel that way.

He gave me his reasons why he felt we would not make it and some of them were very damaging to my self-esteem, yet I was able to conquer the self-doubt he left me with and become the woman I always knew I was meant to be.

As women, we need to learn to let go quicker by accepting some things are just not meant to be. I do believe the Creator knew I needed to know whether there could have been a possibility for us. I was blessed to reconnect with him and found that it was not meant for us to be together. My life would probably have been worse than it has been, if that is even possible. I can see this man would have tried to control my thoughts and this would never have worked.

I am grateful I didn't get what I thought I so desperately wanted. Back then I did all I could to force myself upon him, trying to make he see the mistake he was making leaving me behind. Now, knowing what I know; I accept that clearly it was not meant for me to be with him. I will be forever grateful to him for sparing me the inevitable pain trying to love him would have caused me.

The Older I Get

The older I get, the younger I feel in many ways. Even though I have severe arthritis, I feel young and vibrant and alive. I feel as though still have so much to offer the world and that I have the time to do it.

Even though I am getting older, I have regrets. I am actually looking forward to turning 50. I know there is a freedom to be found in this decade and I can't wait to embrace it.

Back in the 90's, Stevie Wonder sang a song called, "You Will Know." The song is about waiting on God. I had it on tape, but it was destroyed. I looked for the CD for years, then finally found one this year. When I listened to the song, I began thinking about where my state of mind was when it first came out. I said to my husband, "I remember crying and feeling lost and unable to go on. Now, I know and God knows it feels good."

"I remember feeling the same way, but I thought I would never make it to know. I know too."

The older we get; the more opportunities we have to be the people we know God wants us to be. Just listening to that song and having all those old memories come up and not feel sad, or still stuck was a true revelation.

My life is better than I could have ever imagined then. God is good.

Using My Talents

My husband and I were talking the other day and the subject came up about whether or not people were jealous of me. I questioned him as to why he thought they would be. "Because of the way you are."

"Because of the way I am? That's a pretty broad statement. Do you mean my personality?"

"Yeah," he replied.

I didn't question him anymore. I could tell he was uncomfortable talking about the subject, because to a certain extent he is jealous of me too.

People are not necessarily jealous of "me," but it is more of a situation where they recognize my authenticity and they may yearn to be more authentic themselves. Instead of working on themselves, they may choose to focus on me. I know he does.

I have known for years that he wished he could be more like me. I think over the years he's settled for "being married to me." I think he thinks that somehow makes him more like me. He is so quick to state, "we are as one." Yet, when he wants to do things I would never do, he does them anyway, because he is who he is, plain and simple.

I don't think about what other people think about me. Yet, there are some things you just can't ignore. The more I express myself in different venues, the more "haters" I accumulate. I noticed this early in life and developed the habit of not getting too close to folk because I am such an overachiever. I got to the point were I got tired of explaining myself to people. There are people who feel you are supposed to be modest and not show that you know certain things, or step up to handle certain situations. That's not me. I am capable and I know it.

For years my husband had a problem with the fact if he didn't do something that needed to be done, I'd do it. I'm not a nag, but I am also not a passive individual. There have been times when he has felt like I stomped on his manhood. Many of those times it wasn't a question of his manhood, as much as his adulthood was in question. I took care of the adult business he was willing to just let slide because he was immature enough to do so. I truly believe he would have preferred me to just let things fall apart, rather than to step up to the plate.

I get the same BS on the job. Others are so content to "go along, to get along." Whereas, I refuse to follow the crowd. If there is something that needs to be said or done, I do or say it. There is very little progress that happens when procrastination is involved.

Whether folk are jealous of me or not, I do not care. I have worked for everything I have. I have taken the time to micromanage myself to find out the things that were eating up my time. I know my strengths and I play to them. I know my limitations and faults and I do what I can to stay within my range of competency, no matter avenue I choose to go down.

I am a winner. Plain and simple. I think like a winner. I act like a winner and I expect to win. My biggest competitor is myself. I do not measure myself against anyone else. No one has anything I want, because all I want is to fulfill my life's purpose, learn to love unconditionally, and so the things that make me happy.

I am using my talents daily and I know God is pleased. Don't hate, appreciate!

Because of HIm

Because of him, I have learned to love on a level I may not have with any other man. He was hard to love, but I did it. I learned to love him in the way he needed and it was because of him. He has stretched me beyond what I thought I could do in a relationship.



I'm not easily swayed. I don't open up, or let my guard down. Somehow, he was able to penetrate all that and drew me in.



Now, that he is so sick. It amazes that I recognize how much I have truly let go of our past. He is the same man that has hit me, cheated on me, lied to me, abandoned me, ignored and be abusive and dismissive in general to me. Yet, I have truly forgiven him for all that and am looking forward to better days.

I still believe and feel strongly that as long as he is alive, he can turn things around. He can be redeemed, if only he will repent.

Because of him, I know what it feels like to be adored and wanted. I know what making love really is and I know how it feels to have a man desire me. Because of him, I've known the difference between those who where for me, and those who were just with me. He has been there and still is.

Because of him, I am the woman I want to be. Because of him, I have had to let go of a lot of misconceptions about men in general. I have had to learn to let a man be a man, because of him. Because of him, I'm freer than I would have been had I not had him in my life.

Because of him, I have learned to love and be loved.

Right on Time

I have found that school I want to do my graduate work at. The University of Pennsylvania has a Postitive Psychology Center. I had told a friend I had been hesitating going back to school because I was not happy with the traditional psychology model. Too much is focused on limitations, and problems. I wanted to find something that would allow me to use my skills in regards to changing ones perspective.

I really feel like it should be called Perspective Psychology, because changing your perspective on life is the only way to change the things that seem to get to you. they we look at situations, circumstances, and conditions usually keep us from being able to properly deal with them.

I know it was only when I changed they way I looked at life, that my life changed. I have to get things in order. I want to attend next fall.

Empathy-Part Five

I began watching this movie where the boyfriend and girlfriend were about to celebrate an event. The girlfriend gave the guy a gift and waited for him to hand her one. He told her he didn't get her a gift because she said she didn't want one. She became outraged and stomped to the door, turned around and said, "I told you I didn't want one because I wanted to be the girlfriend who didn't ask you for anything. Of course I wanted a gift."

This made me sick and I immediately stopped watching the movie. That whole scene is what is wrong with so many women. We really expect men to read our minds and it is so unfair to them, especially when they are more than or just as screwed up as we are when it comes to knowing how to be in a relationship.

It is like we forget that we have recognized how dense they can be. How they often just look over things that doesn't affect on their lives. How they can ignore most anything and act like they know nothing, even when they have a PhD. How do we forget that we know we are smarter than them in many ways? How is it that just because we love them, we think they will know what we want, when they can't order off a menu in a restaurant?

Please! Women need to get a grip, stop having so many unrealistic expectations and get our acts together. Then and only then will we realize that we have what we need. We must ask for what we want and be very specific. We have to be realistic and know that just as we can read no ones mind, no one can read ours. Give me a break! Help them out where you can and you will find you will get what you want.

Silly Rabbit

Remember the Trix commercial where the rabbit would try to steal the Trix cereal from the kids. He's being all selfish and self-centered when he is caught read handed and told, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Well, a lot of married people need to be told, "Silly rabbit tricks are for kids." So many of us expect our mates to perform all kinds of "tricks" to earn our love. We bait them in, only to turn on them once we recognize they are they're own person. Unfortunately, the hope of romance causes a lot of us to expect certain "tricks" to be performed before we will give our so-called love to another.

Until we learn to respect each other for who we are, we will never have the kind of relationships we want. As long as we come to the table with our hands opened instead of extending in service, we will never know what it is like to truly give, or get unconditionally.

I never understood the desire many women have to be taken care of. Yes, society has tried to make us believe it should be this way, but women, especially black women have always worked and done more than required of them. But to expect someone to take care of your day-to-day needs, I still can't get it. Many women end up performing all kinds of tricks trying to keep what they are not willing to earn.

I even further do not understand men, who look to their women to be everything to them. The idea sounds better than the reality. In reality, no one wants to be dictated to, taken for granted, or led on, but this is what happens when people give too much power to others.

Stop expecting your mate to perform for you. If we approached each other as though we were going on an expedition, we'd learn so much and be appreciated much more. People love for others to take an interest in them. The way things are now, folk are only interested in sharing what they think will bring them the biggest return.

All I can say is, "Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids."

My 31 Year Old-Part Two

My oldest has been accepted to one of the best and well-known schools in Kentucky, Spalding University. I am extremely proud of her. I graduated from Spalding in 2002 with a degree in Psychology. She is going for nursing.

Like I said yesterday she is a late bloomer, but has now found her stride and is going for it in her chosen career, which I pegged for her back when she was nine. I paid attention to her and her personality and knew nursing was for her.

I mentioned to her a few times that I thought she should go into nursing, but I never tried to force the idea on her. When she came the the conclusion herself, she came to me and asked me how I knew. I told her I watched her and discovered it.

We do our kids the best favor when we allow them to be who they are and develop on their own as individuals. I am glad I have been able to allow my children to be who they are without reservation.

Now, she is on the right path and will be the better for it.

Waiting On David: Part Two

My husband spent several minutes telling me how much he loves me. How told me again, he would be dead if it weren't for me loving him. He even pinpointed how he knew he would be dead. He said he didn't take to episodes, which turned out to be strokes, seriously. He said it was because of me he went to the hospital.

He told me that many women are going through what I am, but either leave their mates, or are in denial about what is going on. He talked about how I arouse him, even though the disease he has doesn't allow an erection. I mean he was just laid it own me. I just sat and looked at him, standing there looking so sincere.

Then he said to me, "You really do make me want to be a better man. No matter how long it last. I want to be a better man for you."

I continued to listen. "Many women would have left me. You had a right to and didn't. The fact that you didn't makes me love you even more."

"I'm here for you baby." I said with a smile, and I am. I took my vows and I meant them then, and I mean them now. It is so important to both of us to keep our family together. We want to raise our kids and we will.

Somethings going on with him. I'm not questioning it. Not even a little. At the least, it is about time, at the most God willing, I could be getting my David.

Traveling a Rough Road

My husband's memory is getting worse and worse. It is to be expected. He has had four strokes and since his last scan the prognosis was not good. Yet, it is rough dealing with not being able to remember. He asked a question and five minutes later he didn't remember what he had said. It would not be so bad if he wasn't so willing to argue about what was said, knowing all the time he doesn't really remember.

I have said it over and over. If it were not for his ego, he would be dead. His ego is what is killing him and keeping him alive. It is awful to see. I will admit I admire him for sticking to his guns no matter how stupid. Most people just give up. All I can do is be there for him and try to keep him comfortable.

The Last Hour of 2010

It is quiet, for right now. They have been shooting in my neighborhood for since 9 p.m. Some of the guns sound like cannons. My husband lay on our bedroom floor in pain and moaning and praying for God to help him. He has been like this for over a week.

He fell out of the chair and began to shake. I covered him with the comforter. He laid there and moaned and cried out and asking why this was happening. Then he stopped and had a blank stair on his face. I yelled for my daughter to call 911. He got very loud and yelled, "No, I ain't going to no hospital. They don't do nothing for me."

"What about us, Jerome?"

"I'm alright baby." He said trying to really sound like he wasn't in pain.

I have no idea why he is torturing himself. I truly don't understand it. He has literally been vomiting for days. He makes gut wrenching sounds that go all through the house, turning every one's stomach. He has everyone taking care of him, helping him off the floor when he falls out, bringing him water, etc.

We all love him, but it is really hard to watch do this to himself. He is convinced he is going to die if he begins dialysis. The pain seems tremendous. I am so conflicted. He gets so angry and argues when I try to convince him to go to the hospital. I don't believe in sitting back and letting others hurt themselves. I'd hate to have to take drastic measures, but I will to save his life.

Even though this is going on, I am still happy and feeling joyous. I have been blessed with the knowledge that I am in control of my feelings and emotions, and although sad, I cannot allow what is going on with my husband to hinder me from enjoying the ride. In this last hour of 2010, I want peace and love. I just hugged my son, who is 19 and made the choice to be at home during this time. Many young men his age are out in the street, or at someones house, or club. He chose to be home. I thanked him for making the right decision.

My youngest is in her room listening to Justin Bieber. My oldest is in her room on the Internet. I am spilling my guts and my husband is throwing up his. We are all together.

I will leave so much behind with this year. I have made quantum leaps in many areas that were holding me back. I am free and at peace. It seriously amazes me at how much I have changed in regards to what I want and think I need. Last night I rocked my husband to sleep twice. He cooed like a newborn, and I felt useful. It blessed me to know my touch soothed him and I felt pleased with myself to know I genuinely wanted to take care of him.

Things could be so different, especially with all we have been through. I could be bitter and hateful. I could take advantage of his weakness and be mean to him and brutal, but I have chosen to love. I am more amazed by this revelation than anyone could imagine. You couldn't have told me that I would have chosen to love someone who has treated me as poorly as he has.

I have worked on myself. I have given myself what I need to be the woman God wants me to be. I am doing what I need to do for me, so my heart is not heavy. I carry no shame, no guilt, no burden that is not my own. I live to learn to love completely and totally just because I can. In this last hour of 2010, I plan to love the new year in.

As You Can Read...

If you have been following my blog, I am sure you have picked up the reality that in many ways I am struggling in this marriage. I happen to believe that the struggles, though they may not be as what others experience, are what are necessary for the each of us to gain the knowledge needed to be the best people we can be.

People want to believe that love should be easy, when in fact it is one of the hardest emotions to navigate. Because of its purity, love has no master. It is in itself the end and be all when it comes to humans. Without love, nothing survives for long. Yet, love is so hard to come by and even harder to find within ourselves.

I struggled for years with self-hate and loathing and now that I know love, I laugh at the old me. How silly I was not to recognize how marvelous I am no matter what size, how much money I have, or who I am married to. I am the shit just because and that is enough. Yet, for years I hated myself mainly because of being overweight. It wasn't me and because I didn't understand the importance of moderation I overate. I also used food to soothe me and keep me company and to celebrate. Food was my God.

When I became more of a spiritual person and less of a religious person, I was able to balance my reality and thus my life and body has followed suit. I am free to love because I know what it is to love me. As Frankie Beverly put it so well, "I got myself to remind me of love."

As you can read, I am pretty darn sure of myself. I know how to love.

WOW!

Yesterday my husband and I were trying to remember the last time we had an argument. He said he had thought about it while I was at work and could not remember. I can't either. It is so amazing to me. My agreeable attitude is working and I have found he is not as disagreeable as I would have accused him of being in the past.

It was my unwillingness to be in agreement that mostly kept us at bay. Once I managed my disagreeable spirit, I was able to let go of the need to make him the one who was disagreeing.

Each day is getting better and better. I am thankful I stayed. I am so glad I did not divorce him. I would have never known how wonderful things could be between us.

Something New

Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.

When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.

He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.

Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.