Why We Never Get Away

Early in our marriage when my husband would do something he should not have done I would eventually tell him he'd pay. Part of me was hoping, but the greatest part of me understood we truly do reap what we sow. Throughout our marriage he sowed discontent and discord. He was unable to break the cycle of disrespect and hate for women that is prevalent in his family.

When I think about how much his body has deteriorated, how fast he went down and how easily he gave into his flesh; I cannot help but see God's hand all over it. We never get away. I know he is in hell. I clearly remember when I first met him and his mother had just been diagnosed with diabetes. He proclaimed he would never be on, "all that medication." He ended up on twice as much medication.

There are so many scenarios that have happened throughout our 26 years together that I could say, "and now he's paying for that."

It is not my duty to determine what he is paying for, but I do recognize he is paying. We never get away because we create our own heaven and hell right here on earth. With every decision we build our empire, or tear it down. I have said time and time again, I was in my marriage for the duration. Had my husband not pushed me away, I would still be with him. Since he has done that I embrace the separation. When I really think about it, I have always been able to let my husband walk away from me. The difference this time is he cannot come back.

Why Things Are So Much More Clearer

I know aging plays a great deal in how clear my thinking has become. time and unforeseen circumstances has taught me well. Knowing that I will most likely never be a wife to my husband again was hard getting used to. Now that I have accepted the truth about who we are to each other and why we are where we are now, I am thrilled about the beauty of it all.

Yes, it is a beautiful thing when any person accepts the truth about their lives. Completely devastated when it first happened, our separation has know become a blessing. I fought so hard to try to help my husband understand the importance of having a spiritual life. It was not my job. Just like I did, it is up to him to develop his own personal relationship with God.

He chose not to lean on God during this time he is in the valley. He spent so many years "doing his thang." He ate what he wanted, smoked what he wanted, drank what he wanted and as much as he wanted. Now, that he has to pay the piper, I have become the enemy. He focused all of his anger and hatred towards me. Somehow, the very person who thought she was saving his soul, was helping to steer his soul towards self-sabotage. He wouldn't have it any other way.

Things are so much more clearer simply because I have let go and let God.

A Pillow Full of Tears

I can't believe how much I have cried over the loss of my relationship with my husband over the past four days. Every show I watched, somehow confirmed I am doing the right thing in various ways. The Creator is working on me. It is time for me to walk away and move forward into what has been promised.

I used to tell my husband all the time, "I am gonna get mine."

He always thought I meant something else, but what I meant by "mine" is the promises God has made. I am going to get mine. I have given up my life of sin, he held on to his.

My pillow will be full of tears or maybe it won't be. I feel confident they will soon dry up and along with them the lingering desire to be with a man who clearly will never respect me, because he has no respect for himself.

So Free

I feel so free. There is something wonderful and wonder-filled happening to me. I am so glad I hung in there as long as I did with my marriage. I am so grateful I did my time within the marriage. I cleaned my act up and became the type of partner I want to be in a relationship.

It is too bad my husband could not take the good. He only wanted the bad. There are so many people like that. As long as shit is shitty, they are cope. Let some good happen and they are ready to cause a problem.

I have had enough of the the bad times. It is time for the good times and I am going to do all I can to remain, so free.

The Fastest Week of My Life

My 31 year old daughter is leaving to further her life's journey in Texas. Ironically, I feel so good about the move. I absolutely adore her, but it is time for her to let her pretty wings spread and fly. She is a wonderful young woman. There is no doubt in my mind that she will have a spectacular life. I know she is going to do her best to be the best person she can be.

My daughter is wonderfully giving and caring. This is what I will miss the most. She is my biggest fan. She gives me so much by doing so little. I have been so blessed to have been chosen to bring this great person to the earth. I gladly let her go. I would be wrong to hold on to such a great gem. The world is truly a better place because she has been in it.

I am in awe of her courage to move on and not look back. She has given away most of her possessions. Boy, what a wonderful gift to know for sure your child understands the bigger picture. She really is leaving with the clothes on her back. I am so grateful to God that I have been open and honest with her. Many times she has not liked my methods, but have come to appreciate the great effort I put into rearing her to become independent and a woman.

I wish her well and send with her all my love. You light up my life now go and shine on Texas.

Why Everyday Is Confirmation of Worthiness

So many of us wake everyday feeling as though we have nothing to offer. What we don't realize is we would not be here if it were not something for us to do, to give, to learn. God wants us to accept our place on this earth with a fever that is unmatched by others. We each are worthy of life because of this we must find a way to deal with the day in and day out of life.

I got pregnant when I was seventeen years old. My family was rocked behind this revelation. My mother could barely stand to look at me. To this day, I cannot reconcile with the hypocrisy she displayed. I have seen it all my life, parents spending too much time trying to make their children feel guilty, using shame, beatings, disapproval, distance, silence and negligence to get them in line. When what is needed, is for parents to step up and parent their children so that they won't grow up feeling unworthy.

Feelings of unworthiness begin early for most of us. How we are treated by those closest to us develops our self-esteem. So many in my generation, and most definitely the generations before, have had to struggle with being too light, or too dark, too fat, or too skinny, hair to nappy, hair too straight, too smart, too dumb. We have passed on the tenets of the Willie Syndrome generation after generation. It has only served to fill our children with a sense of unworthiness.

Know that you are worthy no matter how you look, or what you do. You have no control over anyone except yourself. You have no one to answer, except The Creator. You need to trust and believe that everyday you awake and take in a breathe it is confirmation of your worthiness.

When I am Right, I am Right

My husband is having a hard time. He is being removed from the place he is staying and three months later he is still blaming me for it. He does not see that it is his attitude towards the world that has caused him to be where he is. He is blaming me because he is not with his family.

I just sat and listened to what he had to say. He said I was 100% and he couldn't hold his temper anymore. Well, that's on him. He now has to deal with not being able to hold his temper. It is not desire to see him hurting. It is what it is.

He accused me of not caring about him. He has completely glamorized his part in the incident. He is in so much denial it is scary. I was right to let go and let God work with him. I cannot and will allow myself to continue to be mistreated. He has no respect for me as a woman or his wife.

I am free from all that now. When I am right, I am right and I was right to stop trying to be something to someone who could not appreciate it.

Time to Grow Up

My 31 year old will be leaving soon. She is going on to a better way of life, whether she knows it or not. It will be better because it will be built on her own terms. She is going somewhere where she will have minimal support. She'll have to learn now to get around, where to shop, where to party, etc.

I am excited for her. I thought I'd freak out more if she was to leave because it is such a comfort having her here. But, I want her to go on with her life. I want her to discover how strong and smart, and powerful she is. She has a great oppotunity to have much more than she would if she stays here.

Moving to a new place always gives the person an opportunity to develop their social skills, learn something they did not know and adds a level of excitement to life that one cannot get when they are stuck in their comfort zone.

Surprisingly, she is really ready to go. I would not have thought she would have embraced it so readily, but she has and that is going to make it all the more better for her once she gets there and is faced with certain challenges. She will do what she can get what she needs.

I will miss her tremendously, but it is time for her to grow up.

Holding Pattern

Over the past seven years people have been removed from my life. This year my husband and oldest daughter have moved on. I am grateful to God I have been able to practice detachment and I am sincerely open to them not being in my life.

I've been in a holding pattern for a few years now. I've allowed myself to be open to possibilities and I've moved beyond so much of what was keeping me from being the person I know I was meant to be. I am happy with myself and my life.

I've been open to ta higher calling. I stayed in my marriage believing if I was the person I wanted a person to be to me, that my husband would have to change, or he would not. He did not so, we are not.

I'm coming out of the holding pattern. I'm being freed and so are those around me. Life is good and we all have the opportunity to enjoy it to the fullest. My family is in full transition and I embrace it. I am holding on no more.

Pretty Wings

This has been a year of transition for more than just my husband and I. My oldest daughter is moving to Houston, TX. This is going to be very hard on me because she is my sole support. No one helps me more than she does.

Yet in still, I want her to go. She is 31 and needs to begin her life. She is leaving a boyfriend behind, who will soon be an ex-boyfriend. Other than that, she has no reason to stay, or come back. I told her not to come back. I encouraged her to seek a life there.

She is going to help my sister who has had twins at age 40. She will be 41 in a few days. My daughter took care of both my children when they were first born. She is a caring and loving young woman who will treat those children with the best of care.

It is time for her to spread her wings. Her future is bright and unlimited. God's speed!

Why I Feel So Good About Myself

The reason I feel so good about myself is I was actually obedient to God and He held me up throughout a situation that could have taken me down mentally, physically, and spiritually. Instead, in the end, I feel victorious, even though my relationship with my husband did not survive.

God touched me and guided me towards forgiveness when I was on a path towards self-destruction. I was hate-filled, angry and disappointed. I desperately did not want to be a bitter person so I continuously prayed for God's intervention. Not believing in divorce, I had filed and it was torture because I knew God had more for me to do. My worldly thoughts kept me wanting to give up, but God's will was more appealing in the end.

I began a quest to live a life pleasing to God and I knew I had to put forth effort to reconcile and redeem myself with myself husband. Although he noticed the changes I had made, he was so evil he couldn't appreciate the full value of them. He still responded with old behaviors, even though I no longer did.

I feel good about myself because even with those around me thinking I was crazy and telling me what they wouldn't put up with, or asking me why I hadn't left my husband, I held fast to the belief that God had a purpose for it all, and all I had to do was pay attention and allow His will to unfold. I was able to do and now that it is all over, I am free and even happier than I ever thought I'd be.

I won't lie, I miss my husband. I miss taking care of him, loving him, and just having him around. Still, I know how things are, are how they are meant to be and I am content.

I feel good about myself because I am the woman I knew I would be.

Why Me?

When I was crazy and wondering what the hell was happening to me, I would often ask God, "Why me?"

One day my teen aged daughter went on a joy ride to the West side of Chicago for 18 hours. I had no control. I didn't know who she was with, or where she had gone. My husband and I were frantic. At 3 a.m. we went to her best friends home. Both her parents came to the door and told us their daughter was not home. They showed no concern, but told us their daughter was confused and acting out. The closed the door as if we were bothering them.

My husband and I were not as accepting of the situation. When I returned home, I remember sitting on the side of my bed crying and asking God, "Why me?" As clear as my own breathe, I heard God say "Why not?"

It was like a miracle. My tears dried up and I began to accept that my child, nor I was perfect. I accepted right then and their the lack of control I had over my daughter and that no matter how much I wanted her to do the right thing, it was ultimately her choice. I had to accept I did my best as her mother and that it was now up to her to either adhere to what she was taught or find her own way.

So many parents struggle with the belief that they own their children. The really think threats and punishment work, but they soon find out they do not. Many still do not give up the fight to try to control their children's lives.

That day was a huge turning point in my relationship with my daughter. I was able to gradually disassociate myself from the idea that my daughter belonged to me and had to do whatever I said, just because I said it. Since learning this lesson over 15 years ago, my now 31 year old daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. Even though she grew to seek my opinion and want my advice, I have held fast to not giving it and allowing her to make her own choices, which has relieved me greatly.

My Agenda

It is my desire to blog about the day-to-day interactions, my thoughts about the past, and the glory of my long-term marriage. I have been married 21 years. My marriage forced to me take a real look at myself. I found myself consistently thinking my husband was not good enough for me. I was frequently feeling disappointment about where he is in his life. I truly believed, for a long time, that he was a reflection of something very wrong with me. I began to pay more attention to myself and what I was bringing to the relationship that contributed to a lot of the discourse. As I traveled on that journey of self-discovery, I noticed I began to feel less and less anxious and negative towards my husband. When I really looked at how ugly I could be. He didn't seem so bad. I began to be grateful he had been able to still desire to be with me, even though I could be really mean and cruel at times. It is my agenda to get individuals who are married to stop focusing so much on what their spouse is or is not. We need to learn to let go and let God guide that persons life, just as we should do for our own. My agenda included a book series title Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage, and hopefully a radio or TV show in the future that is just for married folk. We need to elevate marriage back to the status of importance it once held. There is a survey out done with black men and women, 46% of them said they thought marriage was obsolete. The 54% who value marriage are the ones that matter. We need to work with them to help them cultivate the type of marriages they can be proud of. No one could have ever told me I would become a self-appointed Martyr for Marriage. It is a hard role. Lots of folk want to be married, but obviously they don't want to do what it takes to stay married.

People Know Better

People know better to do some of the things they do, yet they do them still. So many folk want to be play the victim role nowadays, making it hard to believe anyone. Folk telling hard luck stories who haven't spent a day in discomfort. Folk looking for someone else to carry the load. I have found the best solution to this problem is to let people know you are a straight shooter from the beginning. Still they may try you. People like taking chances and for some it is worth it to get what they think they want, which they usually don't after they get it. People know what they need to do to make things right, yet they continuously keep on the wrong path, expecting something different to happen along the way. People know better, but refuse to do better because usually doing better means you have to work harder, be more aware and willing. Everybody wants a job, a marriage, a family, but no one wants to do the work.

Chronic Illness-2

He has been taking his medication because he is sleeping better. I cannot imagine what it most feel like to be in his body. His blood pressure had been high for so long until he didn't feel normal when it was normal. He can barely function when his numbers are where they should be. He conditioned his body to deal with the high pressure and blood sugar levels.

Now, the diseases these elevated numbers cause have got a hold on him. Even though it is sad, one of the effects of his illness has been reflectiveness. He has become more aware and available. His attitude about life is still way off, but at least he is paying more attention.

The approach I have taken is very hard for me. I am a producer. But in this situation there is nothing I can do. I have truly learned to let go and let God. Because of this, I am happy. With all the chaos going on around me, the haters, the liars, the wanna be's, etc., I am untouched, because I have learned I am not in control of anything, or anyone outside of my body.

It Sounds Good

It sounds good when I say, I believe in the institution of marriage and I am staying because I believe my marriage is God ordained and to leave it right now, would not be what God wants.

It sounds good, but is very hard to live. Especially when you realize that just because you understand the big picture, you still have to live the day-to-day and be human at the same time. If I wanted to deny my humanness, I guess I could take up my cross and not mention the pain, but being human, I have to say ouch when it hurts and I'm hurting right now.

As I watch my husband's health fail, as I watch him help it fail, it is a constant reminder that he will never be a better husband to me. I fully get that what I see is what I get and that making the best out of it is about all I can expect. It is very painful to accept this.

What makes the pain almost unbearable is the fact I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I can't imagine ever dating, or wanting to marry again. With all my belief in marriage, this bad one has most definitely made me feel I would not do it again with someone else.

Now that I have accepted I will not have the husband I deserve through the man I'm married to, I question is this a marriage?

Of course it is. It's not a real good marriage, but it is a marriage nonetheless. Marriage is much more than the relationship between the two people. Marriage is more about maintaining and managing the shared incomes, children, household etc. I would say the relationship is about 20% of what marriage is really about. The other 80% is about all the other stuff which people tend to get done, but do not take the time to work on the 20%. This is why folk can be married for 50 years and get a divorce. As soon as they are faced with the 20%, the marriage is over.

For us, we do the 80% fine, it is when we try to deal with the 20% that problems arise. We've done some great things in our union. The fact we've been together for 25 years and not killed each other is amazing. We actually have done some very important things right and this is why we've stayed together so long. I will talk about them in another blog.

If It Don't Fit

When I was a kid in the early 70's, there was a song by Kellee Patterson called, If It Don't Fit,
the chorus said:

If it don't fit, don't force it
just relax and let it go
just cause that's how you want it
doesn't mean it will be so

Even though I believe I am in a God ordained marriage, I still am faced with the many ways the marriage does not fit me. There are a lot of things I want out of my marriage that I will never get. Having to accept that has been hard over the years, but lately I have come to terms with the reality that my marriage is so much more about the future than anything else.

My husband and I, as jacked up as we are, have been able to rear two marvelous children. We've managed to remain cordial and for the most part respectful of each other, even though we both know, we probably could have lived just as well are better with another partner. What amazes us is that we have been able to stay together no matter what has come against us.

I have a clear understanding of what is causing him to have the heart attacks and it is his blood pressure and the fact he does not take his medicine. As I sat there and listened to the doctors, I realized how much control he really does have and that he is unwilling to do what can keep him alive and healthy. This has made me want to leave him.

He is a quitter and quitters never when. I am winner. All day long, I ain't gon lie. I would never give up on me. But I may have to give up on him. He has begun his usual pattern of blaming me, being mean, and disregarding my feelings. He does this when he thinks he should take center stage, but like I've told him before, he created this mess. Had he listened to me at any other the times I've tried to get him to take care of himself, we would not be here.

I will sit back and watch to see if he will begin taking his medicine. I really don't think he will. I truly think he will continue to do what he hasn't been doing that has gotten him to this place.

Non-Resistance, this is the way. I will not resist his desire to kill himself. My running his life does not fit into the lifestyle I choose to lead. I will not force my way onto him. I will let live his, or not live, his life.

No Doubt in My Mind

I am feeling very disconnected from my family as a whole. I know this year is really going to be about me. A huge transformation has already happened on the inside and now it is time for it to show on the outside.

I love hard and for real. The people in my life are at the top of my list, always. My family gets the best of me. Most everything I do is for them. I would live a different way if I didn't have children.

My family is taking me for granted. They do not appreciate me in the right way, at all. I guess I have been too good to them. I am of the belief that if you love someone, you can't be too good to them. I'm being proven wrong.

I refuse to explain myself when it comes to the man I choose to love. I am no different than anyone and I get to have the life I choose. It is unfortunate my husband has not been a better husband and father. I can truly say he has done very well all things considered. He was never taught how to be a part of the family. I have to remind him of the things he told me when we first dating about what kind of father he wanted to be. I do think that is what we are supposed to do for those we are married to.

I continue to have no doubt in my mind that I am living the life God wants me to. I am more happy and comfortable than I have ever been in my life. I love myself and others. I love my job and my business. I am doing what I need to do for me.

Waiting

My son entered the kitchen with a strained look on his. I questioned the look and he said, "Pops, I was thinking about Pops."

I asked him had he prepared himself for the day he may die. He said he doesn't think he will cry. "I want to think I've cried my last tear over him."

I shared with him that I have cried whenever I felt like it when I think of him not being here because he is dead. I told my son not to be surprised if I didn't cry when it finally happened. "I don't want you to think something is strange, Sonny. That is why I am telling you now."

When I came home today, my husband actually mentioned going to the hospital, but he didn't go. He had been throwing up all night and the moment he woke up, he began again. What a way to go. He find some relief if only he would do what is right, but as I have learned over the past 25 years, he can't do right for being so wrong.

We love him and we do all we can to help. It is hard on us all, but I do think when the time comes there will be some relief.

The Other Side- Part Three

I had to work this morning at 4 a.m. I woke up around 9:40 and was hungry. I made some cornbread on the stove and at some Kale greens with Country Ribs. It was good.

My husband came into the kitchen and I told him we had a date next Thursday night. I told him not to ask where. He immediately became defense, because he is such a control freak and said, "How you gon tell me I can't ask where I am going?" I said, "Because it is a surprise."

"What is the surprise?" he said.

"What? I said it was a surprise. You are such a control freak you're trying to trick me into telling you what the surprise is."

We both erupted in laughter and fell into each others arms laughing until tears rolled out our eyes. It felt so natural, so real, so good. I have been searching for something real all my life and now I have it with the man I've been with since I was 24 years old. You cannot imagine how proud and vindicated I feel. No one who knows us believed we'd ever make it to the other side.