Well, I can say I am officially over my marriage and ready to take the next step, whatever that may be. Although I completely believe in marriage, I am glad I no longer have to work so hard. Marriage is hard work even when it goes well.
My marriage suffered greatly because only one of us was really putting forth effort. Now that it is over I recognize how exhausted I am from being the bigger person.
Now that it is a new dawn, a new day, I am feeling good about my future relationships. I do believe I will have the tools to be an excellent partner, should I choose to be.
Right now, I am just basking in the glow of being free to be me.
Peace
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The Greatest Compliment
My oldest came to me and said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being a great example of what it means to let a man be a man.
I was somewhat shocked by her assertion, but definitely pleased because I prided myself on being the type of woman who knew how not to step on a man's toes. I was able to do that because I have always had respect for him as a person and a man. It has never been my desire to rule a man, or to try to change him.
I believe each of us should be allowed to live our lives and be who we are. I held fast to this in my relationship. I did not let who he was keep me from being that kind of wife I wanted to be. My daughter talked of how amazed she was by the fact that I allowed him to do things he had never done before like change diapers, feed the babies, etc. She talked about how many women would have done all they could to take the lead, whereas I literally stepped back and allowed him to make mistakes if that is what was going to happen.
I know I am blessed and it is sort of getting scary because suddenly I am being praised by my children and my ex. My karma feels good and I am thankful for the acknowledgements, but at the end of the day, I am just being me. Who I am just happens to be great!
I was somewhat shocked by her assertion, but definitely pleased because I prided myself on being the type of woman who knew how not to step on a man's toes. I was able to do that because I have always had respect for him as a person and a man. It has never been my desire to rule a man, or to try to change him.
I believe each of us should be allowed to live our lives and be who we are. I held fast to this in my relationship. I did not let who he was keep me from being that kind of wife I wanted to be. My daughter talked of how amazed she was by the fact that I allowed him to do things he had never done before like change diapers, feed the babies, etc. She talked about how many women would have done all they could to take the lead, whereas I literally stepped back and allowed him to make mistakes if that is what was going to happen.
I know I am blessed and it is sort of getting scary because suddenly I am being praised by my children and my ex. My karma feels good and I am thankful for the acknowledgements, but at the end of the day, I am just being me. Who I am just happens to be great!
When It Is Over
I know for sure, without a doubt my intimate relationship is over with my estranged husband. There is no part of me that wants to believe in any possiblity that things could be different. As I bask in my new found freedom, I can't help but notice how much more alive I feel with less stress in my life. I gave my all to my marriage and it was most definitely not in vain. I gained me.
My marriage grew me up, straightened me out and showed me how strong and capable I truly am. When it is over, you know it and it is over for me. Now, I only think of him as the father of my children and someone I used to love. Sometimes I do miss loving him, but when I really think about it, it's not him I miss as much as I miss the act of loving.
After I finished talking to him, I felt a deep sigh of relief. Partially because I could tell he is finally maturing and it is a blessing. The other part of the relief comes from not being attached. Even though I like being attached, I like not being attached even better. Relationships, especially intimate take a lot of work.
When it is over, there is a sense of closure and accomplishment. I still help him when I can, but I no longer feel obligated. He has freed me from that by letting me know he knows he didn't do his best to be a husband to me.
Better luck next time.
My marriage grew me up, straightened me out and showed me how strong and capable I truly am. When it is over, you know it and it is over for me. Now, I only think of him as the father of my children and someone I used to love. Sometimes I do miss loving him, but when I really think about it, it's not him I miss as much as I miss the act of loving.
After I finished talking to him, I felt a deep sigh of relief. Partially because I could tell he is finally maturing and it is a blessing. The other part of the relief comes from not being attached. Even though I like being attached, I like not being attached even better. Relationships, especially intimate take a lot of work.
When it is over, there is a sense of closure and accomplishment. I still help him when I can, but I no longer feel obligated. He has freed me from that by letting me know he knows he didn't do his best to be a husband to me.
Better luck next time.
Full Circle
Wednesday afternoon I received a call from my estranged husband that has been exactly what I needed to have full closure.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Who Creates Your Reality?
It is you who creates your reality. No matter how much you want to blame others or point the finger, ultimately it is up to you to get it right, to be the person you desire to be.
No, it is not easy to change or modify ones lifestyle, but it is always worth it, if it is truly needed. So many of us want things to come easy and this is a shame because those things that are hard fought for bear the sweetest victory. You feel great about yourself when you do something in your best interest.
Oftentimes, the problems lies with the fact we don't fight hard enough to maintain our personal integrity. We think others do not know, so why not cheat, deny, hide, steal, lie, etc. The most important person knows and that is you. Don't you want yourself to feel good about yourself? Aren't you worth going the extra mile for? I say you are. I know I am and because I know this, my life has been a true adventure. Unafraid, I have followed the map I laid out for myself without flinching. I just happen to believe that what I wanted for me, God also wanted for me. Yes, even the rough times. It all served to help me create the personal I am today.
Who creates your reality? You do. If you don't like it, change it.
Peace, love and soul
No, it is not easy to change or modify ones lifestyle, but it is always worth it, if it is truly needed. So many of us want things to come easy and this is a shame because those things that are hard fought for bear the sweetest victory. You feel great about yourself when you do something in your best interest.
Oftentimes, the problems lies with the fact we don't fight hard enough to maintain our personal integrity. We think others do not know, so why not cheat, deny, hide, steal, lie, etc. The most important person knows and that is you. Don't you want yourself to feel good about yourself? Aren't you worth going the extra mile for? I say you are. I know I am and because I know this, my life has been a true adventure. Unafraid, I have followed the map I laid out for myself without flinching. I just happen to believe that what I wanted for me, God also wanted for me. Yes, even the rough times. It all served to help me create the personal I am today.
Who creates your reality? You do. If you don't like it, change it.
Peace, love and soul
51 and Fabulous
Turning 51 is a true blessing especially since I am healthy and have my mind in tact. Oh yes, there are times when I have thought I would not only not see 50, let alone 51. It is all good. I am on the right track and that is such a marvelous feeling.
I am doing what I love to do in all areas of my life. I feel no hesitation, no regrets, no limits. For the first time in my life, I have no questions. I feel free and capable.
I just want to live and love and love and live. I cannot find the words to express how clear and clean I feel. How I really believe I can do what I truly focus on and work to achieve. I have proven myself to myself and at age 51 I'm feeling good.
Peace, love and soul!
I am doing what I love to do in all areas of my life. I feel no hesitation, no regrets, no limits. For the first time in my life, I have no questions. I feel free and capable.
I just want to live and love and love and live. I cannot find the words to express how clear and clean I feel. How I really believe I can do what I truly focus on and work to achieve. I have proven myself to myself and at age 51 I'm feeling good.
Peace, love and soul!
Friday, January 4, 2013
She Read the Books
I received a message on Facebook from a woman who relocated her from LA. She said she found two of my books in the lobby of Hotel Louisville and wanted to talk to me. I called her and the first question she asked was, "Do you believe in God?"
I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."
On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.
Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.
Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.
The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.
People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.
It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.
I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."
On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.
Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.
Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.
The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.
People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.
It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.
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