Hindsight truly is 20/20. Being out of my marriage for going on two years has opened my eyes to the reality that we really can lie to ourselves for a long time. I also came to terms with what God was trying to do in my life.
I was in a relationship of my creation. I got out of it what I wanted and a lot of what I didn't want. By the grace of God I survived the whole ordeal, only to have feelings of guilt and despair once it was all over. I didn't want to let go.
I began moving in the right direction once I rid my home of my husband. I had to continue in the direction by removing myself from his life. Due to the fact that we have not family here, and we are still married. When there is an emergency, they call me. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is him calling me whenever he needs me. He only calls me when he wants something from me, but let me need him? Well, need I say more.
Now that I am unemployed, one would think he would offer to help with at least our daughter, but he has not offered any assistance at all. Yet, he continues to call me whenever he wants and whatever time he wants and actually expects me to stop what I am doing to be there for him.
Well, I have stopped doing things for him, period. He hasn't taken the hint as he continues to call me to try to get me involved in his life, but I know I must keep moving in the right direction.
I was relieved of my duties as his wife. They are tasks I should have never taken on. I was given a second chance to find true love and happiness and I will not allow myself to be distracted by anyone.
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
No Need to Explain
I have no true need to explain why I stayed with my husband as long as I did. I will say I am glad I did and the reasons are so many until I probably could write about them for a lifetime.
I grew in my marriage. I was blessed enough to recognize and take advantage of the opportunity to be a better person than I was before I entered the union. My husband stretched every fiber in my being. He was demanding, belittling, disrespectful and unavailable, yet he actually made efforts to be the opposite of all those things throughout our time together.
I learned I could love a difficult personality. I learned I could allow a person to be who the are and not expect anything from them. I learned how to fully invest in another for their own gain and happiness. I learned how to keep my mouth shut and choose my battles. I learned how cook healthier meals, I learned how to care for a diabetic, renal patient with high blood pressure. I learned what makes me a good wife and mother. I learned how to be grateful for what I have. I learned humility and compassion which were two of the greatest gifts.
I do not need to explain why I stayed in what looked like a toxic environment. As it turned out, it was what I needed to grow and I accept whatever implications go along with that fact. The most important thing is I am a whole person full of love and awareness ready for whatever God has in store for the rest of this journey.
I grew in my marriage. I was blessed enough to recognize and take advantage of the opportunity to be a better person than I was before I entered the union. My husband stretched every fiber in my being. He was demanding, belittling, disrespectful and unavailable, yet he actually made efforts to be the opposite of all those things throughout our time together.
I learned I could love a difficult personality. I learned I could allow a person to be who the are and not expect anything from them. I learned how to fully invest in another for their own gain and happiness. I learned how to keep my mouth shut and choose my battles. I learned how cook healthier meals, I learned how to care for a diabetic, renal patient with high blood pressure. I learned what makes me a good wife and mother. I learned how to be grateful for what I have. I learned humility and compassion which were two of the greatest gifts.
I do not need to explain why I stayed in what looked like a toxic environment. As it turned out, it was what I needed to grow and I accept whatever implications go along with that fact. The most important thing is I am a whole person full of love and awareness ready for whatever God has in store for the rest of this journey.
Monday, November 25, 2013
I Don't Recognize Her
I barely recognize the woman I was when I was active in my marriage. The best I can describe it is to compare myself to Adam Sandler's character in the movie "Click."
I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.
It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.
I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.
This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.
Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.
I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.
It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.
I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.
This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.
Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Full Circle
Wednesday afternoon I received a call from my estranged husband that has been exactly what I needed to have full closure.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Too Much Romance Not Enough Love
I personally do not like the "in love" feeling. I was oh so happy when things changed for me as my relationship with my husband progressed in the beginning. I had never experienced the emotional highs and lows to the extent I did with him.
The feelings that arouse within me when he touched me were overwhelming, yet comforting at the same time. I constantly sought balance because I like being in control of me. Romance requires a certain amount of "being out of control," that is really not conducive to marital relationships. That is why so often once folk start having babies, the bottom begins to fall out. When the real world meets romance, romance uses loses because it is fabricated love.
Our country would be so much better off if we reared our offspring to bond with the opposite based on having gotten to know who the person presents themselves to be. Instead, we often go into relationships with preconceived notions and expectations and we have no clue who we are dealing with. This is the tragedy of romance. It always leaves you wanting because you never know what's real and the sad part the man and the woman go along with the charade. Generation after generation of Americans have been feed romantic notions that disappear quicker than the flame of a candle upon any sign of wind.
Romance cannot sustain a marriage. Two people in agreement to keep the romance alive in their marriage will. Marriage is an agreement between two people to share their dreams, goals, bodies, finances, time, energy with the other person until death do them part. When we build our relationships on romance, an institution based on lies and deceit, we get what we got; an extremely high divorce rate due to too much romance and not enough love.
The feelings that arouse within me when he touched me were overwhelming, yet comforting at the same time. I constantly sought balance because I like being in control of me. Romance requires a certain amount of "being out of control," that is really not conducive to marital relationships. That is why so often once folk start having babies, the bottom begins to fall out. When the real world meets romance, romance uses loses because it is fabricated love.
Our country would be so much better off if we reared our offspring to bond with the opposite based on having gotten to know who the person presents themselves to be. Instead, we often go into relationships with preconceived notions and expectations and we have no clue who we are dealing with. This is the tragedy of romance. It always leaves you wanting because you never know what's real and the sad part the man and the woman go along with the charade. Generation after generation of Americans have been feed romantic notions that disappear quicker than the flame of a candle upon any sign of wind.
Romance cannot sustain a marriage. Two people in agreement to keep the romance alive in their marriage will. Marriage is an agreement between two people to share their dreams, goals, bodies, finances, time, energy with the other person until death do them part. When we build our relationships on romance, an institution based on lies and deceit, we get what we got; an extremely high divorce rate due to too much romance and not enough love.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Living in God's Will
It has become old hat, living within God's will and because of it, each day I am more and more blessed. I have completely let go of my husband and he is doing just fine without me. He needed help, but not necessarily from me. He was unable to appreciate what I did for him, maybe he will be more grateful for his home nurse.
It is still sort of hard for me to believe that he could not accept the love and caring I was willing to continue to provide for him. Yet, I fully understand why. He is a lost soul crashing his way through life without a clue. His selfishness and inability to empathize with others allows him to be dismissive and cruel. He is alone and should be happy. He did all he could to push his family away.
Living in God's will has freed me completely from all the pain and strife I experienced while trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. I accept my role in the loss of my marriage. I gave too much, too long and for the wrong reasons. I was trying desperately to get something from a man who tried and succeeded in not giving it.
When we first met, he told me, "If a bitch thinks I'll fall in love with her she's crazy. I don't love no woman but my momma."
I clearly remember the surge of anger that when through me when he made that proclamation. I responded. "Well, you are in the wrong house, because I am love."
What I should have said is , "You need to leave now because I'll spend 26 years trying to make you love me."
That is what happened. I spent a helluva lot of time not receiving what I needed. Now, I know God wants me to have something real and I have woken up just in time. I have at least another 30 years to be loved by someone who is capable of doing it. I will wait because I am living within God's will.
It is still sort of hard for me to believe that he could not accept the love and caring I was willing to continue to provide for him. Yet, I fully understand why. He is a lost soul crashing his way through life without a clue. His selfishness and inability to empathize with others allows him to be dismissive and cruel. He is alone and should be happy. He did all he could to push his family away.
Living in God's will has freed me completely from all the pain and strife I experienced while trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. I accept my role in the loss of my marriage. I gave too much, too long and for the wrong reasons. I was trying desperately to get something from a man who tried and succeeded in not giving it.
When we first met, he told me, "If a bitch thinks I'll fall in love with her she's crazy. I don't love no woman but my momma."
I clearly remember the surge of anger that when through me when he made that proclamation. I responded. "Well, you are in the wrong house, because I am love."
What I should have said is , "You need to leave now because I'll spend 26 years trying to make you love me."
That is what happened. I spent a helluva lot of time not receiving what I needed. Now, I know God wants me to have something real and I have woken up just in time. I have at least another 30 years to be loved by someone who is capable of doing it. I will wait because I am living within God's will.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Men
I am finding that I don't want to live with another man. Yes, I desire to be apart of someones life, but not as his wife, or even his steady girl. I want complete freedom and movement. I don't have anything I want to do in particular and that is the beauty of it. I am looking forward to a life with no demands from those who claim to love me.
People/men drain you. Woman have given so much, for so many different reasons, until many men just expect to taken care of. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be.
I really don't see myself getting too involved with anyone else. My marriage and relationship with my husband was pretty intense. I gave a lot. I don't mind the fact, I just don't want to give anymore. I just want to be.
Men! You can't live with them and you can't shoot em' when you're done with them.
People/men drain you. Woman have given so much, for so many different reasons, until many men just expect to taken care of. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be.
I really don't see myself getting too involved with anyone else. My marriage and relationship with my husband was pretty intense. I gave a lot. I don't mind the fact, I just don't want to give anymore. I just want to be.
Men! You can't live with them and you can't shoot em' when you're done with them.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Why The Man Brain Has Gotten On My Nerves
Yes, I have written many pieces empathizing with men, but this one does not. Men think differently than we do and that is okay. Unfortunately, they are just as confused by the way they think as women are.
I began reading books written by men about men because I recognized I did not understand the "Man brain." During my studies, I became more and more compassionate as I learned many of the things I hated about men the most, were just a part of their natures. Just how they are wired.
This is when I accepted that we are to discover what the other sex is about and not try to assume we know them based on our limited experiences with them, still the man brain gets on my nerves. There ability to compartmentalized their actions gets me the most. This ability is what will allow a man who is "happy," at home, to stray. He can actually rationalize his actions by saying he keeps what he does away from home separate, and that because he does not love the woman, it does not matter. He has the love for his wife in a safe compartment in his mind.
We all know this is unacceptable, but it is true that because they think this way it is okay to act on their thoughts. Compartmentalization can be helpful if used correctly, but all the men I know have used it to be selfish, then justify the selfishness by stating, one act has nothing to do with the other.
Men also seem to experience only two emotions anger and sexual desire. Either they are mad or horny. The in between is rarely visited. For most of them, they don't even out until it is almost too late. By that time, everyone is so used to them not meeting their needs, they are either bitter, or just don't give a damn. What lonely way to live.
The other thing that bothers me is their ability to play stupid. Before they were married, or living with a woman, they didn't have any problem finding their socks, ironing and washing their clothes, feeding themselves, but even the most enlightened brother will take advantage of a woman if she lets them. They'll run her ragged getting beers, looking for lost items, and running errands.
Then, there is the constant ego stroking many of them require. This turned out to be my biggest resentment in my marriage. My husband required way too much ego stroking. I am not the nurturing type, so it has been a huge problem for me for years, even before I fully understood what the problem was. If you have such a massive ego, you need to tend to its maintenance yourself, because usually folk with ego issues have few people who want to be around them.
The man brain is useful, but right now I can do without it.
I began reading books written by men about men because I recognized I did not understand the "Man brain." During my studies, I became more and more compassionate as I learned many of the things I hated about men the most, were just a part of their natures. Just how they are wired.
This is when I accepted that we are to discover what the other sex is about and not try to assume we know them based on our limited experiences with them, still the man brain gets on my nerves. There ability to compartmentalized their actions gets me the most. This ability is what will allow a man who is "happy," at home, to stray. He can actually rationalize his actions by saying he keeps what he does away from home separate, and that because he does not love the woman, it does not matter. He has the love for his wife in a safe compartment in his mind.
We all know this is unacceptable, but it is true that because they think this way it is okay to act on their thoughts. Compartmentalization can be helpful if used correctly, but all the men I know have used it to be selfish, then justify the selfishness by stating, one act has nothing to do with the other.
Men also seem to experience only two emotions anger and sexual desire. Either they are mad or horny. The in between is rarely visited. For most of them, they don't even out until it is almost too late. By that time, everyone is so used to them not meeting their needs, they are either bitter, or just don't give a damn. What lonely way to live.
The other thing that bothers me is their ability to play stupid. Before they were married, or living with a woman, they didn't have any problem finding their socks, ironing and washing their clothes, feeding themselves, but even the most enlightened brother will take advantage of a woman if she lets them. They'll run her ragged getting beers, looking for lost items, and running errands.
Then, there is the constant ego stroking many of them require. This turned out to be my biggest resentment in my marriage. My husband required way too much ego stroking. I am not the nurturing type, so it has been a huge problem for me for years, even before I fully understood what the problem was. If you have such a massive ego, you need to tend to its maintenance yourself, because usually folk with ego issues have few people who want to be around them.
The man brain is useful, but right now I can do without it.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Double-edged Situation
I was talking to a man who is 61 and never been married. He has several children, but did not raise any of them because the women he chose was unable to recognize his need for independence. They refused to let him be around his children because he didn't want to be tied down with them.
He simply knew who he was and that he was not marriage material. He knew at a young age he didn't want to inflict his way of life on a family, but the women he chose could not appreciate his honesty and opted for barring him from the lives of his offspring.
This happens alot, "I ended up raising the kids of the women I was with. I am only now, able to have relationships with my own, now they are adults."
The fact he is willing is what is so amazing. We are now in a time where women are making money, and don't need financial help, as much as they are looking for emotional stabilty. Men, on the other hand have most likely been raised to believe that all they should do is provide for the family. It is a double-edge situation that causes men and women to continue to go round and round about who should be doing what.
We need love. All of us. If we would just approach the situation with that in mind, it would be a smoother ride to getting what you need.
He simply knew who he was and that he was not marriage material. He knew at a young age he didn't want to inflict his way of life on a family, but the women he chose could not appreciate his honesty and opted for barring him from the lives of his offspring.
This happens alot, "I ended up raising the kids of the women I was with. I am only now, able to have relationships with my own, now they are adults."
The fact he is willing is what is so amazing. We are now in a time where women are making money, and don't need financial help, as much as they are looking for emotional stabilty. Men, on the other hand have most likely been raised to believe that all they should do is provide for the family. It is a double-edge situation that causes men and women to continue to go round and round about who should be doing what.
We need love. All of us. If we would just approach the situation with that in mind, it would be a smoother ride to getting what you need.
Friday, December 10, 2010
What is it?
What is it that has these women killing their babies? What is really going on? Is it truly the Meth epidemic that has plagued the nation? Or is it something so much more simpler? More and more women are taking the act of being selfish to its limits? I believe it is the latter.
Women have abused drugs forever, but what hasn't been so evasive is the blatant disregard for their offspring. Even in the wild mothers protect their kids lives with a tenacity that literally amazes me, yet we free thinking folk cannot seem to get it right. It seems as though every few months there is a story in the headlines about some woman allowing someone to abuse her children, or even kill them, or she has done it herself.
The black woman who killed her two boys just tore my heart out. You could see the sickness in the family when they appeared on Oprah. The woman's mother, father and sister, who she lived with was on the show. Oprah asked if they had talked to the mother of the dead boys and asked her why she did what she did. They told her they did not. They wanted her to tell them. The sister felt bad because she had failed relationships and was unable to provide a home for her children. Her sister admitted that she had belittled her sister child rearing, but stopped when it required her to take some responsibility for her sisters crack up. Families like these could not survive without their secrets, but it never fails that someone cracks and the whole flimsy foundation comes tumbling down.
Now, right now, there is a woman dead and her daughter had been kidnapped by the murderer who was also the live-in boyfriend. The mother probably was lonely and felt it okay to bring the man into the house because he seemed to be interested in her. Like so many, she was fooled, unlike others, she paid for being foolish with her life and now her 12 year-old is left behind to fight for her life. He has bought camping equipment so he most definitely has plans to bed her, if not kill her.
Also in the news right now, a young mother confesses to killing her eight month old son. She was supposed to give him to a family. We can only wonder what happened to change her mind. What snapped and caused her to take this poor child's life? What is it? What is taking our mothers away from their babies. I know this microwave world we are living in is causing some to seek immediate gratification in various ways, but it seems as though a higher level of selfishness is rearing its head. The women who are doing these awful things are becoming more and more mainstream. They can't have the man they want cause they have kids? They choose to get rid of the kids. Wow!
I am baffled beyond belief. Somebody please tell me what it is that is causing this new shift in consciousness.
Women have abused drugs forever, but what hasn't been so evasive is the blatant disregard for their offspring. Even in the wild mothers protect their kids lives with a tenacity that literally amazes me, yet we free thinking folk cannot seem to get it right. It seems as though every few months there is a story in the headlines about some woman allowing someone to abuse her children, or even kill them, or she has done it herself.
The black woman who killed her two boys just tore my heart out. You could see the sickness in the family when they appeared on Oprah. The woman's mother, father and sister, who she lived with was on the show. Oprah asked if they had talked to the mother of the dead boys and asked her why she did what she did. They told her they did not. They wanted her to tell them. The sister felt bad because she had failed relationships and was unable to provide a home for her children. Her sister admitted that she had belittled her sister child rearing, but stopped when it required her to take some responsibility for her sisters crack up. Families like these could not survive without their secrets, but it never fails that someone cracks and the whole flimsy foundation comes tumbling down.
Now, right now, there is a woman dead and her daughter had been kidnapped by the murderer who was also the live-in boyfriend. The mother probably was lonely and felt it okay to bring the man into the house because he seemed to be interested in her. Like so many, she was fooled, unlike others, she paid for being foolish with her life and now her 12 year-old is left behind to fight for her life. He has bought camping equipment so he most definitely has plans to bed her, if not kill her.
Also in the news right now, a young mother confesses to killing her eight month old son. She was supposed to give him to a family. We can only wonder what happened to change her mind. What snapped and caused her to take this poor child's life? What is it? What is taking our mothers away from their babies. I know this microwave world we are living in is causing some to seek immediate gratification in various ways, but it seems as though a higher level of selfishness is rearing its head. The women who are doing these awful things are becoming more and more mainstream. They can't have the man they want cause they have kids? They choose to get rid of the kids. Wow!
I am baffled beyond belief. Somebody please tell me what it is that is causing this new shift in consciousness.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Playing the Field
Many women get upset when a man says he is playing the field. They just can't stand to hear the honesty and would rather he decieve her and make her believe she is the only one. If he does that, and she later finds out he has been seeing someone else, she is furious, when he told her from the beginning what he was about.
We need to listen and accept what we hear. If he says he isn't ready. He isn't ready and we have to let it be. Forcing a situation is never the answer and usually will lead to heartache.
People tell you who they are all the time. Listen!
We need to listen and accept what we hear. If he says he isn't ready. He isn't ready and we have to let it be. Forcing a situation is never the answer and usually will lead to heartache.
People tell you who they are all the time. Listen!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Empathy-Part Three
I was watching Dr. Oz the other day and discovered that men and women comprehend better when spoken to from the right side because the left brain processes language. He suggested women speak into their man's left ear.
He also said if you have something really important to convey, do it on paper because men are more visual than women.
All this was great. I am always looking for ways to improve the communication between men and women. We have been at odds for centuries. It is time for us to utilize whatever means necessary to break the habit of bashing each other. More and more science is revealing that because men and women are different, we need to respect the differences and learn to discover each other instead of resenting the opposite sex for not being like us.
Men and women are different. It is what it is.
He also said if you have something really important to convey, do it on paper because men are more visual than women.
All this was great. I am always looking for ways to improve the communication between men and women. We have been at odds for centuries. It is time for us to utilize whatever means necessary to break the habit of bashing each other. More and more science is revealing that because men and women are different, we need to respect the differences and learn to discover each other instead of resenting the opposite sex for not being like us.
Men and women are different. It is what it is.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Persistence
"The grandest quality of a true achiever is not natural talent or acquired skil, but persistence--the will to keep going when the way grows hard. The true achiever never give up when difficulty comes. He fights off the discouragement of defeat. Persistence is the most important quality of the consistent winner."
If you want to win at something, do not give up. This is the only reason my husband and I are still married. We want to win at this marriage thing. Neither one of us want divorce as a part of our legacy. We would rather fight than switch and because of that our bond has grown deeper and stronger with every storm that hits us.
The other day my husband laid on top of me and said, "How does it feel to be a failure?" With a puzzled look on my face I asked, "What are you talking about?" "You've been unsuccessful at trying to get rid of me for over 25 years. I'd say you are a big failure." We laughed and gut laugh and enjoyed each others company.
We are winning because we are making the choice. Not because we have some magic going on, or we know some secret method. We are in the trenches, fighting to good fight everyday. That's how you do it. hold on for the good.
If you want to win at something, do not give up. This is the only reason my husband and I are still married. We want to win at this marriage thing. Neither one of us want divorce as a part of our legacy. We would rather fight than switch and because of that our bond has grown deeper and stronger with every storm that hits us.
The other day my husband laid on top of me and said, "How does it feel to be a failure?" With a puzzled look on my face I asked, "What are you talking about?" "You've been unsuccessful at trying to get rid of me for over 25 years. I'd say you are a big failure." We laughed and gut laugh and enjoyed each others company.
We are winning because we are making the choice. Not because we have some magic going on, or we know some secret method. We are in the trenches, fighting to good fight everyday. That's how you do it. hold on for the good.
Shaved
One of the ways I knew my husband was the man for me is that he had a beard when I met him and it didn't turn me off immediately. I was able to look past it.
The other day he shaved all the hair off his face. He has only done it one of other time in the 25 years I've known him. I love his face that way and when he looked at me I felt a warm throb in my chest area. It was an amazing feeling. I felt like I wanted to be close to him. It turned me on.
Needless to say, the fire has not died for us. We are very lucky considering our past. I know there are people out there somewhere who are sure one of us has killed the other. But that is not the case. We are still giving what we can to each other and making the best out of what we have managed to savage of our relationship throughout our journey together.
I am proud of us. I really am.
The other day he shaved all the hair off his face. He has only done it one of other time in the 25 years I've known him. I love his face that way and when he looked at me I felt a warm throb in my chest area. It was an amazing feeling. I felt like I wanted to be close to him. It turned me on.
Needless to say, the fire has not died for us. We are very lucky considering our past. I know there are people out there somewhere who are sure one of us has killed the other. But that is not the case. We are still giving what we can to each other and making the best out of what we have managed to savage of our relationship throughout our journey together.
I am proud of us. I really am.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Clean Slate
I had a conversation with someone that ended with the person stating, "Well, we can now start with a clean slate."
I said, "I know how to do clean slate. That is why I've been married for 25 years."
It is true. Because I am aware of the importance of forgiveness and having a willingness to start over, I have been able to stay married.
You must be willing to let others have another chance.
I said, "I know how to do clean slate. That is why I've been married for 25 years."
It is true. Because I am aware of the importance of forgiveness and having a willingness to start over, I have been able to stay married.
You must be willing to let others have another chance.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
You Don't Know Him
One of the biggest problems I have with our gender is when we meet a man we think we want to be with, we begin to think we know him, because we want or desire to be with him. The more time we spend with him, the more we are convinced we have him pegged. When in reality, you never, never, never, really know anyone.
When things came to light about my husband, I found myself scratching my head. Here I was with a man who I had known for over a decade, but in an instant I found out I didn't know jack.
I began to do research on the male psyche and began with reading "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man," a book written by Sam Keen he is a Theologian and has written several books an the subject.
What I found so facinating was how much I had taken for granted about men based on having absolutely no knowledge of them. Like so many other women I based what I thought I knew on what I knew to be true for me. I had not given any thought to the uniqueness of malesness. There are some very realistic differences between the sexes. After reading this book, I backed all the way up and accepted I was very wrong for assuming I knew what men are like, what they go through, or even what they need.
We need to study long and hard about maleness and stop projecting our femininity on men.
When things came to light about my husband, I found myself scratching my head. Here I was with a man who I had known for over a decade, but in an instant I found out I didn't know jack.
I began to do research on the male psyche and began with reading "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man," a book written by Sam Keen he is a Theologian and has written several books an the subject.
What I found so facinating was how much I had taken for granted about men based on having absolutely no knowledge of them. Like so many other women I based what I thought I knew on what I knew to be true for me. I had not given any thought to the uniqueness of malesness. There are some very realistic differences between the sexes. After reading this book, I backed all the way up and accepted I was very wrong for assuming I knew what men are like, what they go through, or even what they need.
We need to study long and hard about maleness and stop projecting our femininity on men.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Starting Over
If you have been reading my blogs, then you are aware that my marriage is raggedy. It has all the scares of a very worn 25 year relationship. Our 21st Wedding Anniversary is on June 25th. April of this year marked 25 years we have been involved with each other.
Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.
I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.
We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.
What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.
Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.
I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.
We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.
What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Figuring it All Out
I understand a lot more now at 48 than I could ever imagine. The greatest committment I have made has made the biggest difference in the type of person I have come to be. Had I not married who I married, I truly do not believe I would be where I am in my mental development.
Learning to sincerely love him without reservation has opened my eyes so completely to the wonder of the soul. It is infinite in its ability to grow and learn and share. I recognize what I have and even though it is not ideal, it is my life.
Learning to sincerely love him without reservation has opened my eyes so completely to the wonder of the soul. It is infinite in its ability to grow and learn and share. I recognize what I have and even though it is not ideal, it is my life.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Acceptance
Sometimes it is hard to think about how much effort I have put into various people and activities throughout my lifetime. Next to losing weight, making an effort to save my marriage has been the hardest.
Even though I'm one of those people who believe, "If that don't do, try something new," I have given up on trying to find a husband in the man I married. He is relieved. Now that everything is out in the open, he doesn't have to try to be something he will never be and that is a man of honor and respect. These virtues were lost on him long before I met and married him. It has taken me a long time to understand you cannot really motivate someone, or help them if they don't have the capacity to recognize they need these things.
My husband is scrambling in many also. He is not crazy, so he knows he has lost a "good thing," when he lost his wife. The real sad part about it all is I ain't going nowhere. Even though I know for a fact God has released me from this marriage, I'm staying because I want to. I want "us" to rear our daughter and that is what we are going to do.
She appeared in her first stage play last week. Her dad and I were in the audience just beaming. She did a marvelous job. My husband kept saying, "We are such bad parents. We don't have a video camera." I never said a word. I don't believe whether you have "certain things" or not makes or breaks you as a parent. She got what was important to her; her parents being there.
I went out to congratulate her after her great performance and could barely reach her for the crowd of kids hanging literally on her and kissing her and hugging her and stating, "We love you."
I went back to my husband and told him, "I don't know what you're talking about. These kids love our daughter. That is the best proof we are excellent parents."
Our kids are loved wherever they go because they know how to love. A parent can't ask for more than that. They really can't.
As long as I continue to see positive changes and growth in my daughter, I'll stay in the marriage. It's not just about me. It really isn't and I am glad I am mature enough to recognize it.
Even though I'm one of those people who believe, "If that don't do, try something new," I have given up on trying to find a husband in the man I married. He is relieved. Now that everything is out in the open, he doesn't have to try to be something he will never be and that is a man of honor and respect. These virtues were lost on him long before I met and married him. It has taken me a long time to understand you cannot really motivate someone, or help them if they don't have the capacity to recognize they need these things.
My husband is scrambling in many also. He is not crazy, so he knows he has lost a "good thing," when he lost his wife. The real sad part about it all is I ain't going nowhere. Even though I know for a fact God has released me from this marriage, I'm staying because I want to. I want "us" to rear our daughter and that is what we are going to do.
She appeared in her first stage play last week. Her dad and I were in the audience just beaming. She did a marvelous job. My husband kept saying, "We are such bad parents. We don't have a video camera." I never said a word. I don't believe whether you have "certain things" or not makes or breaks you as a parent. She got what was important to her; her parents being there.
I went out to congratulate her after her great performance and could barely reach her for the crowd of kids hanging literally on her and kissing her and hugging her and stating, "We love you."
I went back to my husband and told him, "I don't know what you're talking about. These kids love our daughter. That is the best proof we are excellent parents."
Our kids are loved wherever they go because they know how to love. A parent can't ask for more than that. They really can't.
As long as I continue to see positive changes and growth in my daughter, I'll stay in the marriage. It's not just about me. It really isn't and I am glad I am mature enough to recognize it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Empathy
Many women are probably going to think I am crazy when I say I can understand why some men are unfaithful.
When I had my son, I was astonished by the number of times I had to literally touch his penis. It made me think about how hard it must be to have such a sensitive spot being touched all the time. The fact that it is also a sex organ really made me pay attention to the reality that men really do have a lot of biological factors that make it hard for them to be monogamous.
It is easier for women to say no. Our sensitive places, (other than nipples) are secluded. Whereas a man has to touch his penis each time he uses the bathroom, put his pants and underwear on, etc. No wonder so many of them have a problem keeping it in their pants. They never really get a chance not to think about it.
I understand why they masturbate. I understand why they focus on it. It is a lot to ask a man not to think about the needs of his organ. A man does have to rise above his flesh constantly and that is hard for any of us to do. We want what we want, sometimes without justification, but we want it just the same.
I do not believe in monogamy. There is nothing I have learned during my years of schooling, watching documentaries, or living life that has made me believe it is even truly possible for the majority of us. It really does take a strong conviction and a willingness not to let your physical wants, needs, and desires to take over your life.
We all know men are simple, plain and simple. It makes sense to them to satisfy themselves when they feel the need. It is all a mind game and if you have a weak mind, you probably will have weak relations with others.
It really comes down the to the individual and whether or not they are able, or want to control themselves.
Just because I understand does not mean I agree. I am sure there are many men who have been able to rise above their need to feel their nature rise. I just don't know any.
When I had my son, I was astonished by the number of times I had to literally touch his penis. It made me think about how hard it must be to have such a sensitive spot being touched all the time. The fact that it is also a sex organ really made me pay attention to the reality that men really do have a lot of biological factors that make it hard for them to be monogamous.
It is easier for women to say no. Our sensitive places, (other than nipples) are secluded. Whereas a man has to touch his penis each time he uses the bathroom, put his pants and underwear on, etc. No wonder so many of them have a problem keeping it in their pants. They never really get a chance not to think about it.
I understand why they masturbate. I understand why they focus on it. It is a lot to ask a man not to think about the needs of his organ. A man does have to rise above his flesh constantly and that is hard for any of us to do. We want what we want, sometimes without justification, but we want it just the same.
I do not believe in monogamy. There is nothing I have learned during my years of schooling, watching documentaries, or living life that has made me believe it is even truly possible for the majority of us. It really does take a strong conviction and a willingness not to let your physical wants, needs, and desires to take over your life.
We all know men are simple, plain and simple. It makes sense to them to satisfy themselves when they feel the need. It is all a mind game and if you have a weak mind, you probably will have weak relations with others.
It really comes down the to the individual and whether or not they are able, or want to control themselves.
Just because I understand does not mean I agree. I am sure there are many men who have been able to rise above their need to feel their nature rise. I just don't know any.
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