Moving in the Right Direction

Hindsight truly is 20/20. Being out of my marriage for going on two years has opened my eyes to the reality that we really can lie to ourselves for a long time. I also came to terms with what God was trying to do in my life.

I was in a relationship of my creation. I got out of it what I wanted and a lot of what I didn't want. By the grace of God I survived the whole ordeal, only to have feelings of guilt and despair once it was all over. I didn't want to let go.

I began moving in the right direction once I rid my home of my husband. I had to continue in the direction by removing myself from his life. Due to the fact that we have not family here, and we are still married. When there is an emergency, they call me. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is him calling me whenever he needs me. He only calls me when he wants something from me, but let me need him? Well, need I say more.

Now that I am unemployed, one would think he would offer to help with at least our daughter, but he has not offered any assistance at all. Yet, he continues to call me whenever he wants and whatever time he wants and actually expects me to stop what I am doing to be there for him.

Well, I have stopped doing things for him, period. He hasn't taken the hint as he continues to call me to try to get me involved in his life, but I know I must keep moving in the right direction.

I was relieved of my duties as his wife. They are tasks I should have never taken on. I was given a second chance to find true love and happiness and I will not allow myself to be distracted by anyone.

No Need to Explain

I have no true need to explain why I stayed with my husband as long as I did. I will say I am glad I did and the reasons are so many until I probably could write about them for a lifetime.

I grew in my marriage. I was blessed enough to recognize and take advantage of the opportunity to be a better person than I was before I entered the union. My husband stretched every fiber in my being. He was demanding, belittling, disrespectful and unavailable, yet he actually made efforts to be the opposite of all those things throughout our time together.

I learned I could love a difficult personality. I learned I could allow a person to be who the are and not expect anything from them. I learned how to fully invest in another for their own gain and happiness. I learned how to keep my mouth shut and choose my battles. I learned how cook healthier meals, I learned how to care for a diabetic, renal patient with high blood pressure. I learned what makes me a good wife and mother. I learned how to be grateful for what I have. I learned humility and compassion which were two of the greatest gifts.

I do not need to explain why I stayed in what looked like a toxic environment. As it turned out, it was what I needed to grow and I accept whatever implications go along with that fact. The most important thing is I am a whole person full of love and awareness ready for whatever God has in store for the rest of this journey.

I Don't Recognize Her

I barely recognize the woman I was when I was active in my marriage. The best I can describe it is to compare myself to Adam Sandler's character in the movie "Click."

I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.

It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.

I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.

This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.

Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.

Full Circle

Wednesday afternoon I received a call from my estranged husband that has been exactly what I needed to have full closure.

I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.

Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."

I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."

I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and  told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.

He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.

I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.

Too Much Romance Not Enough Love

I personally do not like the "in love" feeling. I was oh so happy when things changed for me as my relationship with my husband progressed in the beginning. I had never experienced the emotional highs and lows to the extent I did with him.

The feelings that arouse within me when he touched me were overwhelming, yet comforting at the same time. I constantly sought balance because I like being in control of me. Romance requires a certain amount of "being out of control," that is really not conducive to marital relationships. That is why so often once folk start having babies, the bottom begins to fall out. When the real world meets romance, romance uses loses because it is fabricated love.

Our country would be so much better off if we reared our offspring to bond with the opposite based on having gotten to know who the person presents themselves to be. Instead, we often go into relationships with preconceived notions and expectations and we have no clue who we are dealing with. This is the tragedy of romance. It always leaves you wanting because you never know what's real and the sad part the man and the woman go along with the charade. Generation after generation of Americans have been feed romantic notions that disappear quicker than the flame of a candle upon any sign of wind.

Romance cannot sustain a marriage. Two people in agreement to keep the romance alive in their marriage will. Marriage is an agreement between two people to share their dreams, goals, bodies, finances, time, energy with the other person until death do them part. When we build our relationships on romance, an institution based on lies and deceit, we get what we got; an extremely high divorce rate due to too much romance and not enough love.

Why So Many Women Choose the Wrong Man

Many of us choose the wrong man because who do not understand our worth.

LIFE 101

"There is nothing you need to do to become worthy. You already are worth. You don't even have to discover your worthiness. You can feel utterly worthless and still be worthy. People have said, "I don't feel worthy to be alive." But you are alive; therefore, you must be worthy. It's very simple: If you're not worth life, you don't have it. Worthiness is a given. It has nothing to do with action, thoughts, feelings, mind, body, emotions, or anything else. You are worthy because you are. PERIOD!"

Not too much I can add, except believe it!

Men

I am finding that I don't want to live with another man. Yes, I desire to be apart of someones life, but not as his wife, or even his steady girl. I want complete freedom and movement. I don't have anything I want to do in particular and that is the beauty of it. I am looking forward to a life with no demands from those who claim to love me.

People/men drain you. Woman have given so much, for so many different reasons, until many men just expect to taken care of. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be.

I really don't see myself getting too involved with anyone else. My marriage and relationship with my husband was pretty intense. I gave a lot. I don't mind the fact, I just don't want to give anymore. I just want to be.

Men! You can't live with them and you can't shoot em' when you're done with them.

Why The Man Brain Has Gotten On My Nerves

Yes, I have written many pieces empathizing with men, but this one does not. Men think differently than we do and that is okay. Unfortunately, they are just as confused by the way they think as women are.

I began reading books written by men about men because I recognized I did not understand the "Man brain." During my studies, I became more and more compassionate as I learned many of the things I hated about men the most, were just a part of their natures. Just how they are wired.

This is when I accepted that we are to discover what the other sex is about and not try to assume we know them based on our limited experiences with them, still the man brain gets on my nerves. There ability to compartmentalized their actions gets me the most. This ability is what will allow a man who is "happy," at home, to stray. He can actually rationalize his actions by saying he keeps what he does away from home separate, and that because he does not love the woman, it does not matter. He has the love for his wife in a safe compartment in his mind.

We all know this is unacceptable, but it is true that because they think this way it is okay to act on their thoughts. Compartmentalization can be helpful if used correctly, but all the men I know have used it to be selfish, then justify the selfishness by stating, one act has nothing to do with the other.

Men also seem to experience only two emotions anger and sexual desire. Either they are mad or horny. The in between is rarely visited. For most of them, they don't even out until it is almost too late. By that time, everyone is so used to them not meeting their needs, they are either bitter, or just don't give a damn. What lonely way to live.

The other thing that bothers me is their ability to play stupid. Before they were married, or living with a woman, they didn't have any problem finding their socks, ironing and washing their clothes, feeding themselves, but even the most enlightened brother will take advantage of a woman if she lets them. They'll run her ragged getting beers, looking for lost items, and running errands.

Then, there is the constant ego stroking many of them require. This turned out to be my biggest resentment in my marriage. My husband required way too much ego stroking. I am not the nurturing type, so it has been a huge problem for me for years, even before I fully understood what the problem was. If you have such a massive ego, you need to tend to its maintenance yourself, because usually folk with ego issues have few people who want to be around them.

The man brain is useful, but right now I can do without it.

Double-edged Situation

I was talking to a man who is 61 and never been married. He has several children, but did not raise any of them because the women he chose was unable to recognize his need for independence. They refused to let him be around his children because he didn't want to be tied down with them.

He simply knew who he was and that he was not marriage material. He knew at a young age he didn't want to inflict his way of life on a family, but the women he chose could not appreciate his honesty and opted for barring him from the lives of his offspring.

This happens alot, "I ended up raising the kids of the women I was with. I am only now, able to have relationships with my own, now they are adults."

The fact he is willing is what is so amazing. We are now in a time where women are making money, and don't need financial help, as much as they are looking for emotional stabilty. Men, on the other hand have most likely been raised to believe that all they should do is provide for the family. It is a double-edge situation that causes men and women to continue to go round and round about who should be doing what.

We need love. All of us. If we would just approach the situation with that in mind, it would be a smoother ride to getting what you need.

Empathy-Part Three

I was watching Dr. Oz the other day and discovered that men and women comprehend better when spoken to from the right side because the left brain processes language. He suggested women speak into their man's left ear.

He also said if you have something really important to convey, do it on paper because men are more visual than women.

All this was great. I am always looking for ways to improve the communication between men and women. We have been at odds for centuries. It is time for us to utilize whatever means necessary to break the habit of bashing each other. More and more science is revealing that because men and women are different, we need to respect the differences and learn to discover each other instead of resenting the opposite sex for not being like us.

Men and women are different. It is what it is.

On the Outside Looking In

If you are on the outside looking into my marital relationship, you are probably thinking, "Why would she stay?"

People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.

I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.

My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.

He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.

Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.

Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.

It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."

What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.

You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.

They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!

How Did I Know?

I knew my husband was the one when he was willing to make a fool of himself for my sake. He has done this numerous times throughout the 25 years we've been together, but the very first time he did it really solidified a place for him in my heart.

Back in 1985 when we met, there was a rock group called General Public and they had a hit titled Tenderness. I loved that song, but it was really faced paced and my husband was more of a cool dancer, but me, I loved to get into it with the music.

No one really liked to dance to the song because of the pace so when it came on everyone got off the floor but me. We had just met and he wanted to impress me so when he turned around and saw I was dancing to the song, he actually joined in. By the end of the record, he was soaked with sweat. I love to dance and it meant a lot to me he didn't leave me on the floor alone, as I had been left so many times before.

I also knew he loved me when I came home one day and he had taken strips of carpet and nailed them to the wall. It was very decorative, even though I was thrown off by the concept at first. I stood away from the wall so I could take it all in and noticed he had written I love you with his finger in the carpet. Yes, my heart melted, once again.

Then there was the time we broke up and I refused to talk to him. He came to the Gaslight, a hole in the wall we frequented on the weekends. I wouldn't talk to him. The bartender came over to the table and told me to watch to scrolling sign. As I watched, I saw "Jerome loves Wanda" roll by. He had me. The bartender made it a point to tell me he paid them $50 to put that on the sign.

Love is an action word. What a person says means little. It is what they do that tells you whether they are sincere or not.

Rather Fight than Switch

When I was a kid over 35 years ago, there was a cigarette commercial that feature two cowboys preparing to have a dual in the middle of the street. One was trying to get the other to change his brand of smokes. The other guy proudly stated, "I'd rather fight than switch."

This is the stand we have to take with our marriages. It is so easy to want to give up when things are not like we want them to be, but I am here to tell you that there is no greater victory than that which comes from sticking to your guns and doing the right thing, for the right things sake.

Not many people get married thinking they are going to divorce. Yet, so many marriages end in divorce you would think it was planned from the beginning. What happens is when things hit the marriage, we blame the marriage, when in fact it is normally our inability to deal with our own issues that causes us to lose what we claim to cherish the most.

No matter what, most times if you are married and your marriage fails you are part of the problem. Yes, sometimes one spouse may be more of the problem, but it becomes your problem if you don't recognize it is their personal issue and you try to fix it. We must learn how to be supportive of each other and not try to be their parent, therapist, advisor, etc.

There is a belief held by some people who really believe they are supposed to be everything to their partners, but this is ridiculous. So many marriages fall apart because one or both parties think they know what is best for the other.

We should be on a voyage of discovery in our marriages. We should come into them with wide eyes and truly hopeful thoughts. We should not have high expectations for anyone but ourselves and plan to live up to the vows we couldn't wait to take.

Be honest, be open, keep it real.

Perception is Reality

I never wanted to get married. My parents were volatile verbally and the banter made me nervous. I often felt pending doom and sick at the stomach. My emotional state was harmed greatly by their seemingly natural hate for each other. Although both were very ambitious, and money making minded people, they were on two different paths from the beginning.

They never learned the techniques I learned to use to learn to live with the man I chose, after he chose me. I asked my husband to marry me, so right off the bat I'm sharing with you that I am holding myself accountable for much of the heartache I have suffered living with him over the past 25 years.

The joy I experienced being marriage came a surprise to me. Because we both had some pretty set ideas about family, we could not see ourselves staying together if we were not married. I know my husband married me because he didn't want to lose me, and that is okay with me. I don't want to lose him either. Being able to express the need for each in a safe way has allowed us to be more loving towards each other.

I have learned to become more agreeable. As I searched to find what I thought it really was that kept me from being close to my husband, I found it was the unwillingness to let him have the right to his say and let it be right to him, if that is how he sees. Early in the relationship I was trying to be images I saw around me. It was exhausting and an empty way of live. The movie Revolutionary Road really show how we conform in this country and lose ourselves. I wasn't going to stay on that track.

I was never really on it. I was just "trying" to be an failing miserably. I had to stop and look at me. Most of my misery came from wanting him to be more like me. Admitting this to myself took years, but when I finally stopped it. My life changed. My need to know lessened greatly. I was able to focus on what I needed to do for me, my goals, my dreams, my wishes, hopes, and desires.

You may not believe this, but you can stop some of the things that are holding you back, from holding you back, by simply changing the way you view them. Perception is reality in many ways, especially for women. Sometime just they we think something is, is, until we find out different. When it comes to men, we need to accept we don't know them. They are not like us and thank God! The day I began to perceive my husband as undiscovered territory, someone to watch grow, instead of telling them where to go, someone to share time with, instead of dictating how time will be spent, someone who can tell me something, instead of someone who is incapable of sharing. We get what we look for, every time.