What if?

Today I remembered something I had forgot. I remembered one day back in 1993, I needed to make a copy of my marriage licence. As I was leaving the copier, I was reading it. When I got down to the bottom, I saw the judge had put 1988, instead of 1989, which was the actual year we were married.

I remembered the rush of excitement that came with the thought that I might not be married to the man I married. In 1993, things were so rough for us, I was in such a dark place, I was ready to walk. The woman who paid for and hosted my wedding told me it was still legal and binding, and I took her word. I never questioned it again, until I mention my remembrance to my husband this morning.

He said, "What if all this has been unnecessary?"

I challenged his response by reminding him that we were only speaking of the "legal" aspect of marriage. I asked, "Why will it have been unnecessary?"

"Well, it would mean I didn't have to put up with you all these years. We would have been married under false pretenses. It will be worse for you. I didn't have to change my name."

I am so proud of myself. I didn't get angry at the fact he was already thinking about the next step. As I pressed him to explain, he continued by telling me if we are not legally married, it is going affect me more than it will him.

He was digging himself in deeper and deeper, but he was saying things I think the average person would say because of the way society views marriage.

For me, the legal aspect only comes into play when he tries to run, or if I catch his wandering eye. I remind him of his legal obligation, first. I have not been held to my marriage because I said 'I do," in front of a judge. I have stayed because I truly believe I am supposed to be with the man I am with, I vowed I would and I meant it. Plain and simple. That is enough for me.

It will be the same with someone else should something happen to this marriage. I probably would not legally marry again, but I would commit to another man. I never needed the confinement of the legal document, but I was so right to recognize, my husband did.

I could tell my husband was fully connected in this conversation about the fact we my not be legally married. I saw the anticipation and of the true possibility he has been as free as he has acted all these years. I should have said, "What difference does it make to you? You have never acted like you've been legally married the entire marriage," but I didn't. I didn't even think it. Wow! That is a great feeling. I have really let go.

So, you may have wondered what I'll do if I find out I am not legally married to the man I legally married? I do not have an answer. I am as intrigued as the rest of you.
Peace