What We Do Not Want To Believe

Quote:
"The black man today is at one end of a psychological continuum which reaches back in time to his enslaved ancestors."

Many of us refuse to believe this. We actually think because we live in white neighborhoods, buy cars, eat where we want, and shop that we have truly overcome. If all you want are those things, then we have. But I submit we want much more.

We do not want to be followed in the stores we shop in, but we are and yes, it is just because we are black.
We do not want to have to wait longer than other patrons in restaurants, but we do, and yes, it is just because we are black.

We must understand that the only way whites could feel good about enslaving us was to believe we were not human, or subhuman in some way. This belief allowed them to kill man, woman, or child who refused to be a slave. Our manual labor was needed, nothing more. They did not care if we could read, write or even speak properly. As long as we could perform manual labor, that is all they wanted.

In our quest to rise above, many blacks felt like black folk should not learn trades such as plumbing, carpentry, farming. Instead of realizing we were used for economic reasons, we have negatively identified with those professions. The result has been frightening. We are a capable people and the least employed.

We were told to aspire to be doctors, lawyers, dentists and the like. All the while knowing that the odds were truly stacked against us. Now, we are desperate for any work and it is being sent overseas, or taken by others with foreign tongues.

We do not want to believe we harbor plantation mentalities. We want to think we are far away from that time, but I submit the memory of the downtrodden slave lives on today. You see it in our ghettos, the prison system and those who choose to be homeless rather than fight the system. We live like a broken people still. Yes, the threat is real, but so is the reality that we can stand up and use the rights so many fought and died for. Instead, we complain amongst each other.

Know your history or you are doomed to repeat it.

What Us Gon Do?

Quote:
"Negroes want change inside but find it difficult to do so unless things outside are changed as well, it is clear that the simplistic solution of "more education" is meaningless when a society is more attuned to race than it is to academic achievement."  Dr. Grier and Dr. Cobbs Black Rage

This quote is powerful, still today. Although this book was written in 1968, it is very relevant today. We as black people have been told that all we have to do is get an education and the doors to success will open up for us. This is not true and never has been. We must change inside to make the world different on the outside. Even white folk have to do that.

It is who we are that keeps us where we're at. Yes, the color of our skin does play a huge roll in our daily lives, whether we recognize or not. Still, we are human and have unlimited potential, especially as black people. Our people survived some of the worse conditions imaginable. We are all miracles times two.

Yet, we have bought into the belief we are subhuman and many of us act this belief out everyday. We are afraid to be who we are, feel our feelings and let it be known that we matter. What us gon do? When will we stop perpetuating the plantation mentality that kept our American African ancestors bound? When will accept that we are a grand people, full of wonder, love and passion? When will we stop the ramped collective self-hate that keeps brother against brother, sister against sister and ourselves in deep spiritual warfare?

We have the knowledge, but we have yet to apply it waiting on the white man to again set us free. Waiting on the white man to love us so we can love ourselves. We are so blind to our brilliance that we don't understand that they already love us. So much so, that they can't sell a car, a burger, a bag of chips, without using our music, our phrases, our style. Why can't we see through their lies? What us gon do?

Black History and How It Effects Blacks Today

I am beginning early writing about Black History. My main focus is how our American History as black people effects the modern family. Look forward to profound posts dealing with topics like: Why Black Men Hate Their Mothers, Why Black Men and Women Hate Each Other, Why Black Folk Cannot Live Like White Folk. Many of these posts will deal with historical facts to explain some of the present day dysfunctions that are holding our black families hostage.

It is my desire to awaken the deadened self-love we have as human beings. I strongly believe a lot of our current problems derive from the plantations mentalities still harbored by both whites and blacks.

Peace

Old Habits Really Do Die Hard

I want to take care of him as I have always done, still after being separated over 9 months. Even though I am happy with my life, there is a great part of me that still wants to be a wife to him. In a way, I am sort of proud of myself because I have some full circle and can see that I was serious about my marriage.

I continued to do what I believed I was mandated to do until the bitter end. The fact I was willing to be in his presence at all says a lot. He really did me dirty, but it was nothing God couldn't see me through, and he did. Yet, I yearn to be a wife to him.

Old habits really do die hard. 26 years is a long time to love and truly care for someone. You can't just go cold turkey without some type of withdrawal. I have not tried to force anything on myself. I have allowed myself to naturally moved pass my feelings for him.

So Glad I Don't Have to Know Everything

I have no idea where my life is headed, but I am okay with it. God has shown me consistently I am covered by grace. I have completed most of the goals I have set for myself. I feel there is so much more I need to do while on this earth.

I do plan to become an insurance agent, but I feel there is something more. I am so glad I don't have to know everything to move forward. I believe I will be guided correctly if I respond correctly. Even when we make choices we feel are best for us, there is still work to do.

So many of us feel like we have to know everything about what is expected of us before we will commit to doing what is required. Part of living is discovering. Life is an adventure. I moving forward without all the answers and I am grateful to be to do it.

What's Forever For?

Forever is for hope and that is about it. Nothing last forever, especially not people. My relationship with my husband will be forever. His health is not going to let him last much longer, so unless there is a true miracle, he will be married to me forever, but he won't be around to enjoy it.

We need to focus on now and leave forever to itself. I am so glad I participated in my marriage. I am grateful to God that I gave my all and was completely committed. Now that things seem to be coming to an end, I can only be grateful for the time I had with him and know that God has been in control all the time. Things are how they should be.

Forever is the same as never. Neither one of them can ever be true. We don't live to see forever. All we can do is hope for a long time. I got to have the man I wanted for a very long time, a quarter of my life spent on this earth. That means a lot to me. I will always love him and wish him these best whether here are on the other side. Forever is another word for hope.

The Good Friend

I have very few friends. The ones I do have are very good though. I think it is because I have demonstrated I am a good friend. I am honest with my friends. I am open to their limitations. I do not criticize. I don't give advice. I make suggestions. I don't try to change, but instead use acceptance as a tool to allow them to grow more into who they really want to be.

The good friend doesn't feel slighted if you can't spend time. They don't have to talk to you to know that all is well. They can accept you need your space and allow you to have it.

My friend list may be small, but it is full of love.

No Stroking

I know there is a man out there that does not have to have his ego stroke constantly by women to feel like a man. That is the type of man I am seeking. I love to give compliments and recognition to my man, but I don't want to be held responsible for making sure he feels good about himself at all times.

I need someone less high maintenance and much more confident. I met such a man 27 years ago, but we didn't work out. I had the privilege of talking to him recently and it was so refreshing not to have to think about whether i was stepping on his toes. ace

It made me feel even better when he said, "I'm not the kind of man that need to have my ego stroked. I can do that for myself."

I have never heard a man admit he needed his ego stroke, not to mention that he can do it himself. He can't be the only one on the planet. There has to be others.

When I was analyzing where I lacked in my relationship with my husband, I recognized that I was unable to consistently stroke his ego. It is just not who I am as a woman. My husband is insecure and unwilling to take responsibility for his own happiness. He constantly felt as though there was something I should have been doing to make him feel better about himself.

I'm waiting on David. I'm waiting on the man who is willing to give me what I need and able to accept what I can give.

Can We Just Get Along?

He said he contacted me because he wants us to be "cordial." I can do that, especially since we still have a teenager to rear. There is no need for animosity. I am free of the daily torture I was experiencing and I am thankful for the break. He looks like death, but there is nothing I can do about that, for he has made the choices that has led to this unfortunate situation.

He needs his family, but he doesn't know it because he's stuck on stupid, thinking he is in control. Now he has responsibilities he never had, things to remember someone else would normally take care of, and loss of affection and companionship. He has to live this way to know there were better days.

Yes, I will get along with you, but I will not allow you to drag me into your unbelievable darkness. We all have our path. He is a person foremost and he has to make his own way. Maybe not having me will make the path clearer.

This Time

What makes this time so different than all the other times he has pushed me away? I want to be away. I want to move on with my life and allow him the freedom of not being held to such a high standard by being with me. The way I live my life is too normal for him. He comes from drama and thrives on it.

I'm not a drama queen. Although very dramatic and passionate, I hate chaos and strive for calm and unity in my home. My husband is a peacefaker, and can be a peacebreaker if he is on a selfish jag, which is usually all the time.

This time, at almost 50, I can see my life without him. The other times I couldn't. I knew there was more to learn, more to do and I did it these last seven years. I worked hard on being the best wife and companion. We had made progress in many areas. We didn't argue and was able to spend huge amounts of time with each without incident. We laughed and made love more. We actually spent time holding each other and learning to just be.

It was not enough. It would have never been enough for him. He does not love himself. A few weeks before the end, he would just randomly tell me how he didn't deserve me and that if it weren't for me he wouldn't be alive. All of it seemed like he was evaluating a way to walk.

This time, I'm going to move on and upward. This time is my time!

WOW!

If you look at my last post, you will see I was asking for something new and I got it. I have been freed from a burden that was never mine, but because I made a commitment, I was willing to live with it.

God freed me the very next day and now I am well on my way to something new, no matter what it may be.

I feel so blessed. I stayed the course and did what I truly believed God's will was and because of that, I am at peace, even though things didn't turn out the way I would have liked, or even thought they would. I the most I thought my marriage would get better and we'd stay together until one of us died. At the least I thought we'd suffer through, and maintain.

Instead, I was released for all responsibility and freed to go on to something new.

Be on the look out for the full in my upcoming book, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage: Abigail and Na'bal The Cost of Forgiveness.

I Know You

My husband walked into the room and I immediately said to him, "Oh, now you have changed your mind about going, now you want to focus on like I'm a pork chop."

He stopped in his tracks. He couldn't believe I had read all that from him just entering the room. He said, "Was I that obvious?"

"I know your every move. When are you going to accept that?"

"But I didn't make any moves!" he said in horror.

It horrifies him that I know him so well. He became almost sullen. His whole mood changed. The revelation that I not only knew he had changed his mind about doing something, but that I knew what he had decided to do instead, just blew him away.

People like him who are not in touch with themselves, can't see themselves, thus they do not read the signals of others well, unless they have manipulated a response. I know him. I have spent 26 years studying him, meeting his needs and loving him.

He knows me too. He just doesn't pay attention as much as I do, but when certain circumstances arise he knows just what to do most times to help me. We have been present in each others lives for a long time. Although I do feel I have carried the relationship the most, I do give him credit when credit is do. It's fun to be able to share with someone the depth you have gone to acknowledge their presence as a human being. I want my husband to know I want what is best for him. I want him to be happy and free from stress and worry. I want him to love God and himself and his family. I want to know him.

Not Meant to Be

When I was in my early twenties, I had high hopes for love. I had met someone who opened me up to parts of myself I was not fully aware of. I found myself focusing on him and truly believing these things were revealed because he was the one for me. He didn't feel that way.

He gave me his reasons why he felt we would not make it and some of them were very damaging to my self-esteem, yet I was able to conquer the self-doubt he left me with and become the woman I always knew I was meant to be.

As women, we need to learn to let go quicker by accepting some things are just not meant to be. I do believe the Creator knew I needed to know whether there could have been a possibility for us. I was blessed to reconnect with him and found that it was not meant for us to be together. My life would probably have been worse than it has been, if that is even possible. I can see this man would have tried to control my thoughts and this would never have worked.

I am grateful I didn't get what I thought I so desperately wanted. Back then I did all I could to force myself upon him, trying to make he see the mistake he was making leaving me behind. Now, knowing what I know; I accept that clearly it was not meant for me to be with him. I will be forever grateful to him for sparing me the inevitable pain trying to love him would have caused me.

Using My Talents

My husband and I were talking the other day and the subject came up about whether or not people were jealous of me. I questioned him as to why he thought they would be. "Because of the way you are."

"Because of the way I am? That's a pretty broad statement. Do you mean my personality?"

"Yeah," he replied.

I didn't question him anymore. I could tell he was uncomfortable talking about the subject, because to a certain extent he is jealous of me too.

People are not necessarily jealous of "me," but it is more of a situation where they recognize my authenticity and they may yearn to be more authentic themselves. Instead of working on themselves, they may choose to focus on me. I know he does.

I have known for years that he wished he could be more like me. I think over the years he's settled for "being married to me." I think he thinks that somehow makes him more like me. He is so quick to state, "we are as one." Yet, when he wants to do things I would never do, he does them anyway, because he is who he is, plain and simple.

I don't think about what other people think about me. Yet, there are some things you just can't ignore. The more I express myself in different venues, the more "haters" I accumulate. I noticed this early in life and developed the habit of not getting too close to folk because I am such an overachiever. I got to the point were I got tired of explaining myself to people. There are people who feel you are supposed to be modest and not show that you know certain things, or step up to handle certain situations. That's not me. I am capable and I know it.

For years my husband had a problem with the fact if he didn't do something that needed to be done, I'd do it. I'm not a nag, but I am also not a passive individual. There have been times when he has felt like I stomped on his manhood. Many of those times it wasn't a question of his manhood, as much as his adulthood was in question. I took care of the adult business he was willing to just let slide because he was immature enough to do so. I truly believe he would have preferred me to just let things fall apart, rather than to step up to the plate.

I get the same BS on the job. Others are so content to "go along, to get along." Whereas, I refuse to follow the crowd. If there is something that needs to be said or done, I do or say it. There is very little progress that happens when procrastination is involved.

Whether folk are jealous of me or not, I do not care. I have worked for everything I have. I have taken the time to micromanage myself to find out the things that were eating up my time. I know my strengths and I play to them. I know my limitations and faults and I do what I can to stay within my range of competency, no matter avenue I choose to go down.

I am a winner. Plain and simple. I think like a winner. I act like a winner and I expect to win. My biggest competitor is myself. I do not measure myself against anyone else. No one has anything I want, because all I want is to fulfill my life's purpose, learn to love unconditionally, and so the things that make me happy.

I am using my talents daily and I know God is pleased. Don't hate, appreciate!

So Called Friends

I don't have anymore so-called friends in my life anymore. For the most part, the people in my life are the kind of people I can deal with on a day-to-day basis. When I had so-called friends, I seldom spent any time with them because it was too hard to deal with the BS.

So-called friends limit themselves. They only give so much, but usually take a lot. They are they as long as things are benefiting them, but don't you dare need anything, they will always find a way to wiggle out of being there for you.

I am a good friend. I can say this because I make a great effort to be a good friend. I am thoughtful, kind and honest with my friends. When they need me, I do all I can to be there for them. So-called friends are rarely available and this may be a good thing. They know they don't have anything to offer.

If you're dealing with so-called friends, let them go. Friendship is too important to have hanger-ons.

He Fully Understands

My husband was having a heart attack and he did. He is still in intensive care and is very weak. I had to go and take care of him right after work. I have grown into a deep detachment from the whole thing. I fully understand that he fully understands he is going through this pain because he is not taking care of himself.

He fully understands his kidneys are only working at 24%. He has been lucky, they have not gotten any worse since last May. He is more than lucky to have me. I truly am his soul mate, otherwise, I do not think I could do it.

I can't believe this is where we are at this time in our lives. I just don't know, so I continue to be strong and carry on. That's what I do best.

Support

I was coaching a woman and she looked at me and said, "Who coaches you? Where do you go for advice?" I looked at her and told her truthfully, "I lean on prayer, intuition, and very few friends."

I have never really had the type of support I've needed. That is one of the downfalls of being strong and capable, people are not apt to see you as someone who needs some help, or guidance. All guidance I have gotten, I have had to seek it out. I have two people in my life that support me greatly. One is a high powered professional always doing her thang, the other is a co-worker who turned out to be someone I could trust with my friendship.

Both these women have strong opinions and are level headed, but most importantly they get me to a great degree, and what they don't get, they wait for it to be revealed, or they just accept me for who I am. I find this to be rare. Most people expect to see themselves in you on some level. They usually reject folk who may not completely hold to the same values as they do. I value very little other than family and friends. Material things are just that things, so I tend not to find too many people who feel comfortable getting to know me on a deeper level.

It is my desire as I pass through this last leg on my journey of life to learn to ask for more support.

Liberation

I have a dancing spirit. My body loves music and rhythm. I have to dance. I just do. Dancing is something I am very good at and has always been. For as long as I can remember, music has soothed and moved me.

I am an energetic eclectic dancer. I don't do line dance, and have had problems with any dance routine I have tried to master. I simply like to just be free to move however the music wants me to. No hesitation, no inhibitions. I love to dance.

I remember when Madonna's "Get In the Groove," came out. She hit my right at my soul with the line, "Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free." That said it all and it is so true. I like dancing by myself, even when I am at a club. Partners have expectations, I just want to dance.

I have this beautiful book of poetry titled, "Room to Dance," I cry when I read the poetry.

Room to Dance

Incompletes.

Obstacles,

I turn away

Never arriving

on the other side.

Withholds.

Emotions,

Crammed in

the closet becoming

Too stuffed to open.

History.

Waste

from the past,

Littering my niche

I carry it with me,

Never

letting go.

Circumstances.

Clutter,

Infinite excuses why

What I have

is not

What I want.

No clear path

through the

Disorienting chaos

I wander

tripping

stumbling

falling.

I choose.

The Rhythm of Life

seduces me

into motion

Move by move, I

Complete

Reveal

Let Go

Engage.

Clearing the space,

Creating

Room to Dance.

Wow! This poem moves me, explains me, is me. I love the entire book. Dance has been my friend and I am eternally grateful. I have to move.

Writing Again

I go through spells of writer's block. I have been experiencing it off and on for most of this year. I write my blog almost everyday, but that's not the type of writing I'm referring to. I am working on three books. Most of what I do is highly personal and the book I am currently working on is no exception.

I am writing B. F. I.-Black Female Intellectual. This book contains commentary, poetry, journal entries and stories I have written and kept since 1973. I am currently working on the writings that led up to when I got pregnant in 1979. I got pregnant around the end of March. I notice I stopped writing after February, 1979 and didn't start again until June of 1979. It has been a tearful journey so far. I find myself crying for various reasons. One of the biggest is that I recognize how much I have always leaned on God to help me throughout my life.

Most of the letters are to God asking for His assistance, His forgiveness, His guidance. It seems no matter what the occasion, I turned to God to find the answer. I saw a sign that said, "Courage is fear has said it's prayers." One of my favorite things to say is, "I am prayed up." And I am. Just re-reading these writings have even more solidified my belief that the reason I have been able to survive on the level I have is because I have never forgotten God.

Now that I am writing again, I feel confident that I will get the three books out, with God's help.

Relationship Coach

I have been a relationship coach for a while. I have several people who have given me the credit for helping them understand their role in the demise of certain relationships. I find that most people don't want to view themselves as the person who is causing the conflict in the relationship. When they find out that they contribute to the chaos, they tend to want to run and hide, only to have to face the music in the end.

Many people frown upon getting involved with helping people reach their highest selves. I think it is a blessing to care enough to want to help another bridge the gaps in their thinking that keep them from having to experiences with others they truly desire.

I am not the type of person who drags a person into anything, if a client becomes unwilling, I am unwilling, after all, it is their life. If they cease to care, it doesn't do my any good to hold on to trying to helping them in any way until they are ready to help themselves.

I do not believe we can motivate others. We can help they see how it is in their best interest to do a certain thing, but to motivate them? I don't think so. Folk have to want change, they have to need something real, they have to desire personal power and freedom. You cannot make anyone understand the worthiness of these things, they need to find out for themselves.

Free your mind and the rest will follow.