My husband spent several minutes telling me how much he loves me. How told me again, he would be dead if it weren't for me loving him. He even pinpointed how he knew he would be dead. He said he didn't take to episodes, which turned out to be strokes, seriously. He said it was because of me he went to the hospital.
He told me that many women are going through what I am, but either leave their mates, or are in denial about what is going on. He talked about how I arouse him, even though the disease he has doesn't allow an erection. I mean he was just laid it own me. I just sat and looked at him, standing there looking so sincere.
Then he said to me, "You really do make me want to be a better man. No matter how long it last. I want to be a better man for you."
I continued to listen. "Many women would have left me. You had a right to and didn't. The fact that you didn't makes me love you even more."
"I'm here for you baby." I said with a smile, and I am. I took my vows and I meant them then, and I mean them now. It is so important to both of us to keep our family together. We want to raise our kids and we will.
Somethings going on with him. I'm not questioning it. Not even a little. At the least, it is about time, at the most God willing, I could be getting my David.
Showing posts with label mating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mating. Show all posts
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Empathy-Part Four
Men overload on aggression. I am completely floored every time I hear about a man being violent towards a woman. Most times I tend to want to believe that nothing, outside of being physically attacked, should be able to provoke a man to hit a woman.
I am talking about the attacks men display against women just because they can't control their need to strike. Men are aggressive and when they are wrong, they are more likely to be highly aggressive due to being unable to accept they are at fault for the feelings they are having.
In the book, Fire In The Belly: On Being A Man by Sam Keen, it states, "Men live under constant dread of being labeled a sissy , a weakling. a wimp, a queer. Most everywhere they live under pressure, stress, and the constant need to prove themselves by establishing mastery in the arenas of war, work, and women, a near universal creed linking manhood with socially necessary activities of protecting, providing, and procreating."
What he is saying is men all over the world have associated conquering others, their work, and the women in their lives, and have somehow made them a part of what it means to be a man, while simultaneously connecting the for mentioned with being protectors, providers, and the maker of babies. As we know, they are failing miserably and their level of aggression is getting worse toward women.
Men are killing their wives and babies and thinking nothing of it. A lot of times these men have wronged their family and their reign of terror is being threatened, because if the effects of the passage mention earlier, their role confusion assist them in making the wrong choice. So many are stuck in these holding patterns. Their women, because they don't understand how a man thinks, often misses the cues, and before you know it; he has an explosion and she never say it coming.
It is unfortunate so many males are not taught to express their feelings, or to even recognize they have them. The spend so much energy trying to prove themselves, they seldom get to be themselves, unless it is to express some negative aspect of their personality.
I know a lot of women who were upset by Steve Harvey's book, Think Like A Man: Act Like A Lady. To those women who do not understand the importance of trying to understand another, know that you will never be understood. You have to give what you want to get back in intimate relationships. Until we learn and practice this we will never have what we want.
We have to find more empathy for the human male species.
I am talking about the attacks men display against women just because they can't control their need to strike. Men are aggressive and when they are wrong, they are more likely to be highly aggressive due to being unable to accept they are at fault for the feelings they are having.
In the book, Fire In The Belly: On Being A Man by Sam Keen, it states, "Men live under constant dread of being labeled a sissy , a weakling. a wimp, a queer. Most everywhere they live under pressure, stress, and the constant need to prove themselves by establishing mastery in the arenas of war, work, and women, a near universal creed linking manhood with socially necessary activities of protecting, providing, and procreating."
What he is saying is men all over the world have associated conquering others, their work, and the women in their lives, and have somehow made them a part of what it means to be a man, while simultaneously connecting the for mentioned with being protectors, providers, and the maker of babies. As we know, they are failing miserably and their level of aggression is getting worse toward women.
Men are killing their wives and babies and thinking nothing of it. A lot of times these men have wronged their family and their reign of terror is being threatened, because if the effects of the passage mention earlier, their role confusion assist them in making the wrong choice. So many are stuck in these holding patterns. Their women, because they don't understand how a man thinks, often misses the cues, and before you know it; he has an explosion and she never say it coming.
It is unfortunate so many males are not taught to express their feelings, or to even recognize they have them. The spend so much energy trying to prove themselves, they seldom get to be themselves, unless it is to express some negative aspect of their personality.
I know a lot of women who were upset by Steve Harvey's book, Think Like A Man: Act Like A Lady. To those women who do not understand the importance of trying to understand another, know that you will never be understood. You have to give what you want to get back in intimate relationships. Until we learn and practice this we will never have what we want.
We have to find more empathy for the human male species.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Am I Ready?
Everyday I watch my husband of 21 years get weaker and weaker. I look at him and wonder how much more pain can he stand. How many more days can he go without eating? He seems to somehow ignore how sick he really is in hopes that it will all just go away and get better.
But then there is a side of him that fully understands how sick he is and how bad off he will get if he does not soon comply. All I can do is watch and wait. My words are no comfort to him. All he hears is "I told you so." No, I haven't said that to him. How could I? I must admit even I thought he would soon do what is in his best interest, but I'm still waiting. Every other day he talks about exercising, but does not do it. He talks about eating right, but still puts to much in his body then has to throw it up because his body takes so long to digest his food due to the gasteoparesis.
Am I ready? I want to believe I am, but while I write this my eyes fill with tears. There is a lump in my throat and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. The one thing I truly have to keep me sane is the fact that I could have walked out on him and I chose not to. I chose to stay committed and I feel great about that. I don't let myself think, "I should have divorced him." Had I done so I do believe he would not have lived these past two years. I do believe the love I've shown has kept him wanting to live. He has said as much, but I refuse to take credit in his presence. I will act like I have a little modesty, but it is more than obvious if it were not for me reminding him of his commitment to his family, he would give up.
No, he has not been the best person. He has most definitely been a horrible husband, but he has put effort into being a father to his children. Is it enough? Will he feel regret, or will he be okay with the life he's led? Time will tell. I just want to be ready.
But then there is a side of him that fully understands how sick he is and how bad off he will get if he does not soon comply. All I can do is watch and wait. My words are no comfort to him. All he hears is "I told you so." No, I haven't said that to him. How could I? I must admit even I thought he would soon do what is in his best interest, but I'm still waiting. Every other day he talks about exercising, but does not do it. He talks about eating right, but still puts to much in his body then has to throw it up because his body takes so long to digest his food due to the gasteoparesis.
Am I ready? I want to believe I am, but while I write this my eyes fill with tears. There is a lump in my throat and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. The one thing I truly have to keep me sane is the fact that I could have walked out on him and I chose not to. I chose to stay committed and I feel great about that. I don't let myself think, "I should have divorced him." Had I done so I do believe he would not have lived these past two years. I do believe the love I've shown has kept him wanting to live. He has said as much, but I refuse to take credit in his presence. I will act like I have a little modesty, but it is more than obvious if it were not for me reminding him of his commitment to his family, he would give up.
No, he has not been the best person. He has most definitely been a horrible husband, but he has put effort into being a father to his children. Is it enough? Will he feel regret, or will he be okay with the life he's led? Time will tell. I just want to be ready.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Playing the Field
Many women get upset when a man says he is playing the field. They just can't stand to hear the honesty and would rather he decieve her and make her believe she is the only one. If he does that, and she later finds out he has been seeing someone else, she is furious, when he told her from the beginning what he was about.
We need to listen and accept what we hear. If he says he isn't ready. He isn't ready and we have to let it be. Forcing a situation is never the answer and usually will lead to heartache.
People tell you who they are all the time. Listen!
We need to listen and accept what we hear. If he says he isn't ready. He isn't ready and we have to let it be. Forcing a situation is never the answer and usually will lead to heartache.
People tell you who they are all the time. Listen!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Persistence
"The grandest quality of a true achiever is not natural talent or acquired skil, but persistence--the will to keep going when the way grows hard. The true achiever never give up when difficulty comes. He fights off the discouragement of defeat. Persistence is the most important quality of the consistent winner."
If you want to win at something, do not give up. This is the only reason my husband and I are still married. We want to win at this marriage thing. Neither one of us want divorce as a part of our legacy. We would rather fight than switch and because of that our bond has grown deeper and stronger with every storm that hits us.
The other day my husband laid on top of me and said, "How does it feel to be a failure?" With a puzzled look on my face I asked, "What are you talking about?" "You've been unsuccessful at trying to get rid of me for over 25 years. I'd say you are a big failure." We laughed and gut laugh and enjoyed each others company.
We are winning because we are making the choice. Not because we have some magic going on, or we know some secret method. We are in the trenches, fighting to good fight everyday. That's how you do it. hold on for the good.
If you want to win at something, do not give up. This is the only reason my husband and I are still married. We want to win at this marriage thing. Neither one of us want divorce as a part of our legacy. We would rather fight than switch and because of that our bond has grown deeper and stronger with every storm that hits us.
The other day my husband laid on top of me and said, "How does it feel to be a failure?" With a puzzled look on my face I asked, "What are you talking about?" "You've been unsuccessful at trying to get rid of me for over 25 years. I'd say you are a big failure." We laughed and gut laugh and enjoyed each others company.
We are winning because we are making the choice. Not because we have some magic going on, or we know some secret method. We are in the trenches, fighting to good fight everyday. That's how you do it. hold on for the good.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
What a Difference a Day Makes
My husband and I celebrated our 21st anniversary this past weekend. On Monday, his doctor called to tell him the results of the test he had done on his brain. The doctor's found he is suffering from severe hardening of the arteries and he was told a stroke is inevitable.
He had four strokes in the spring of 2008. The doctors discovered his Basal Artery was 90% blocked along with his major arteries in his neck. A stint was put in his Basal Artery and the strokes stopped. He has been able to function extremely well considering the strokes. Ithink he thought he was cured. Now, he knows differently.
I am glad to know that I geniuningly care about him and that I still plan to do what I can to make whatever time he has left, comfortable. It is amazing how you let go of the petty stuff when life gets real with you. I know he is grateful to have me and I am grateful to be in the right frame of mind to want to be there for him.
You just never know. Live life now!
He had four strokes in the spring of 2008. The doctors discovered his Basal Artery was 90% blocked along with his major arteries in his neck. A stint was put in his Basal Artery and the strokes stopped. He has been able to function extremely well considering the strokes. Ithink he thought he was cured. Now, he knows differently.
I am glad to know that I geniuningly care about him and that I still plan to do what I can to make whatever time he has left, comfortable. It is amazing how you let go of the petty stuff when life gets real with you. I know he is grateful to have me and I am grateful to be in the right frame of mind to want to be there for him.
You just never know. Live life now!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
You Don't Know Him
One of the biggest problems I have with our gender is when we meet a man we think we want to be with, we begin to think we know him, because we want or desire to be with him. The more time we spend with him, the more we are convinced we have him pegged. When in reality, you never, never, never, really know anyone.
When things came to light about my husband, I found myself scratching my head. Here I was with a man who I had known for over a decade, but in an instant I found out I didn't know jack.
I began to do research on the male psyche and began with reading "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man," a book written by Sam Keen he is a Theologian and has written several books an the subject.
What I found so facinating was how much I had taken for granted about men based on having absolutely no knowledge of them. Like so many other women I based what I thought I knew on what I knew to be true for me. I had not given any thought to the uniqueness of malesness. There are some very realistic differences between the sexes. After reading this book, I backed all the way up and accepted I was very wrong for assuming I knew what men are like, what they go through, or even what they need.
We need to study long and hard about maleness and stop projecting our femininity on men.
When things came to light about my husband, I found myself scratching my head. Here I was with a man who I had known for over a decade, but in an instant I found out I didn't know jack.
I began to do research on the male psyche and began with reading "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man," a book written by Sam Keen he is a Theologian and has written several books an the subject.
What I found so facinating was how much I had taken for granted about men based on having absolutely no knowledge of them. Like so many other women I based what I thought I knew on what I knew to be true for me. I had not given any thought to the uniqueness of malesness. There are some very realistic differences between the sexes. After reading this book, I backed all the way up and accepted I was very wrong for assuming I knew what men are like, what they go through, or even what they need.
We need to study long and hard about maleness and stop projecting our femininity on men.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Starting Over
If you have been reading my blogs, then you are aware that my marriage is raggedy. It has all the scares of a very worn 25 year relationship. Our 21st Wedding Anniversary is on June 25th. April of this year marked 25 years we have been involved with each other.
Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.
I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.
We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.
What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.
Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.
I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.
We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.
What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Acceptance
Sometimes it is hard to think about how much effort I have put into various people and activities throughout my lifetime. Next to losing weight, making an effort to save my marriage has been the hardest.
Even though I'm one of those people who believe, "If that don't do, try something new," I have given up on trying to find a husband in the man I married. He is relieved. Now that everything is out in the open, he doesn't have to try to be something he will never be and that is a man of honor and respect. These virtues were lost on him long before I met and married him. It has taken me a long time to understand you cannot really motivate someone, or help them if they don't have the capacity to recognize they need these things.
My husband is scrambling in many also. He is not crazy, so he knows he has lost a "good thing," when he lost his wife. The real sad part about it all is I ain't going nowhere. Even though I know for a fact God has released me from this marriage, I'm staying because I want to. I want "us" to rear our daughter and that is what we are going to do.
She appeared in her first stage play last week. Her dad and I were in the audience just beaming. She did a marvelous job. My husband kept saying, "We are such bad parents. We don't have a video camera." I never said a word. I don't believe whether you have "certain things" or not makes or breaks you as a parent. She got what was important to her; her parents being there.
I went out to congratulate her after her great performance and could barely reach her for the crowd of kids hanging literally on her and kissing her and hugging her and stating, "We love you."
I went back to my husband and told him, "I don't know what you're talking about. These kids love our daughter. That is the best proof we are excellent parents."
Our kids are loved wherever they go because they know how to love. A parent can't ask for more than that. They really can't.
As long as I continue to see positive changes and growth in my daughter, I'll stay in the marriage. It's not just about me. It really isn't and I am glad I am mature enough to recognize it.
Even though I'm one of those people who believe, "If that don't do, try something new," I have given up on trying to find a husband in the man I married. He is relieved. Now that everything is out in the open, he doesn't have to try to be something he will never be and that is a man of honor and respect. These virtues were lost on him long before I met and married him. It has taken me a long time to understand you cannot really motivate someone, or help them if they don't have the capacity to recognize they need these things.
My husband is scrambling in many also. He is not crazy, so he knows he has lost a "good thing," when he lost his wife. The real sad part about it all is I ain't going nowhere. Even though I know for a fact God has released me from this marriage, I'm staying because I want to. I want "us" to rear our daughter and that is what we are going to do.
She appeared in her first stage play last week. Her dad and I were in the audience just beaming. She did a marvelous job. My husband kept saying, "We are such bad parents. We don't have a video camera." I never said a word. I don't believe whether you have "certain things" or not makes or breaks you as a parent. She got what was important to her; her parents being there.
I went out to congratulate her after her great performance and could barely reach her for the crowd of kids hanging literally on her and kissing her and hugging her and stating, "We love you."
I went back to my husband and told him, "I don't know what you're talking about. These kids love our daughter. That is the best proof we are excellent parents."
Our kids are loved wherever they go because they know how to love. A parent can't ask for more than that. They really can't.
As long as I continue to see positive changes and growth in my daughter, I'll stay in the marriage. It's not just about me. It really isn't and I am glad I am mature enough to recognize it.
Monday, March 1, 2010
On the Outside Looking In
If you are on the outside looking into my marital relationship, you are probably thinking, "Why would she stay?"
People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.
I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.
My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.
He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.
Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.
Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.
It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."
What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.
You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.
They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!
People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.
I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.
My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.
He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.
Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.
Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.
It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."
What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.
You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.
They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
What if?
Today I remembered something I had forgot. I remembered one day back in 1993, I needed to make a copy of my marriage licence. As I was leaving the copier, I was reading it. When I got down to the bottom, I saw the judge had put 1988, instead of 1989, which was the actual year we were married.
I remembered the rush of excitement that came with the thought that I might not be married to the man I married. In 1993, things were so rough for us, I was in such a dark place, I was ready to walk. The woman who paid for and hosted my wedding told me it was still legal and binding, and I took her word. I never questioned it again, until I mention my remembrance to my husband this morning.
He said, "What if all this has been unnecessary?"
I challenged his response by reminding him that we were only speaking of the "legal" aspect of marriage. I asked, "Why will it have been unnecessary?"
"Well, it would mean I didn't have to put up with you all these years. We would have been married under false pretenses. It will be worse for you. I didn't have to change my name."
I am so proud of myself. I didn't get angry at the fact he was already thinking about the next step. As I pressed him to explain, he continued by telling me if we are not legally married, it is going affect me more than it will him.
He was digging himself in deeper and deeper, but he was saying things I think the average person would say because of the way society views marriage.
For me, the legal aspect only comes into play when he tries to run, or if I catch his wandering eye. I remind him of his legal obligation, first. I have not been held to my marriage because I said 'I do," in front of a judge. I have stayed because I truly believe I am supposed to be with the man I am with, I vowed I would and I meant it. Plain and simple. That is enough for me.
It will be the same with someone else should something happen to this marriage. I probably would not legally marry again, but I would commit to another man. I never needed the confinement of the legal document, but I was so right to recognize, my husband did.
I could tell my husband was fully connected in this conversation about the fact we my not be legally married. I saw the anticipation and of the true possibility he has been as free as he has acted all these years. I should have said, "What difference does it make to you? You have never acted like you've been legally married the entire marriage," but I didn't. I didn't even think it. Wow! That is a great feeling. I have really let go.
So, you may have wondered what I'll do if I find out I am not legally married to the man I legally married? I do not have an answer. I am as intrigued as the rest of you.
Peace
I remembered the rush of excitement that came with the thought that I might not be married to the man I married. In 1993, things were so rough for us, I was in such a dark place, I was ready to walk. The woman who paid for and hosted my wedding told me it was still legal and binding, and I took her word. I never questioned it again, until I mention my remembrance to my husband this morning.
He said, "What if all this has been unnecessary?"
I challenged his response by reminding him that we were only speaking of the "legal" aspect of marriage. I asked, "Why will it have been unnecessary?"
"Well, it would mean I didn't have to put up with you all these years. We would have been married under false pretenses. It will be worse for you. I didn't have to change my name."
I am so proud of myself. I didn't get angry at the fact he was already thinking about the next step. As I pressed him to explain, he continued by telling me if we are not legally married, it is going affect me more than it will him.
He was digging himself in deeper and deeper, but he was saying things I think the average person would say because of the way society views marriage.
For me, the legal aspect only comes into play when he tries to run, or if I catch his wandering eye. I remind him of his legal obligation, first. I have not been held to my marriage because I said 'I do," in front of a judge. I have stayed because I truly believe I am supposed to be with the man I am with, I vowed I would and I meant it. Plain and simple. That is enough for me.
It will be the same with someone else should something happen to this marriage. I probably would not legally marry again, but I would commit to another man. I never needed the confinement of the legal document, but I was so right to recognize, my husband did.
I could tell my husband was fully connected in this conversation about the fact we my not be legally married. I saw the anticipation and of the true possibility he has been as free as he has acted all these years. I should have said, "What difference does it make to you? You have never acted like you've been legally married the entire marriage," but I didn't. I didn't even think it. Wow! That is a great feeling. I have really let go.
So, you may have wondered what I'll do if I find out I am not legally married to the man I legally married? I do not have an answer. I am as intrigued as the rest of you.
Peace
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