Born to Win

Gestalt therapy and transactional analysis is designed to help individuals discover, acknowledge, accept and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personalities.

Gestalt is a German word that means "an organzied whole- a whole that works together. Dr. Perls believed the personalities of many people suffer from not being whole and are fragmented.

"The aim of Gestalt therapy is to help people become whole, to help them become aware of, admit to, reclaim and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personality."

I see it all the time. Parts of people's personalities splinter off to deal with things they are afraid to or cannot deal with as a whole. The whole purpose of Gestalt therapy is to help people go from dependency to self-sufficiency.

Gestalt therapy talks about "ego states." I was having a conversation with a friend about my husband. She questioned whether he could be a good father, when in fact he was fairing poorly as a husband and even a man. I explained to her that just because he has problems with being those to things doesn't mean he can't parent.

In Gestalt, each person has three ego states, Parent, Adult and Child. These states individual and have certain patterns of behavior. When you act like your parent's behaved, you are in your parent ego state, when you are dealing with current reality, handling business, assessing or gathering facts, you are in your adult ego state.

According to Gestalt therapy the Parent ego state -"contains the attitudes and behavior a person learns from external sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, the Parent is expressed toward others in prejudicial, critical and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child."

The Adult ego state-"is not related to a person's age. It is tuned in to current reality. The Adult is organized, adaptable, intelligent and functions by thinking clearly and objectively."

The Child ego state-"contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It also contains the memories of the child's early experiences and responses."

It is believed that people can act from all ego states, or they may predominately choose one or two they feel comfortable with portraying most of the time.

My husband, since I've known him has mostly operated through his Child and Parent ego states. He is rarely in reality and seldom wants to deal with NOW!

So when I say I feel he is a pretty good parent, he is. His parenting skills are better than mine in many ways. But as we all know, most adults do not want to be parented, thus he runs into a lot of problems with people because he usually is in his Parent ego state. He is constantly trying to tell other people what they should and should not do, but has no clue when it comes to his own life.

I can literally say I've never felt like we have had an adult conversation. We have plenty parent conversations, but I draw the line when he is in his Child ego state. This is why we rarely talk.

We make a mistake when we look at people in an "all or nothing manner." People are amazing in amazing ways. They have so many layers. There are few people who are completely worthless. It is easy to write people off when they don't MEASURE up to our standards, but who are we to hold others to certain standards? That is not love. Not the love I know God wants us to have for our fellow man.

I value what my husband brings to our family as a parent. We have well mannered, intelligent, self-confident children. Their father has been extremely nurturing with them all their lives. Just the other day my son came to me and said, "Mom, even though I'm really mad at Dad, I have to admit he has always shown me love."

Maybe that shouldn't be enough for me, but it is. I went my entire childhood feeling unloved by parents who provided love through lip service, while simultaneously doing everything they could to rob me of my soul. At the end of the day, knowing you are loved is the best sleeping pill.