Empathy-Part Five

I began watching this movie where the boyfriend and girlfriend were about to celebrate an event. The girlfriend gave the guy a gift and waited for him to hand her one. He told her he didn't get her a gift because she said she didn't want one. She became outraged and stomped to the door, turned around and said, "I told you I didn't want one because I wanted to be the girlfriend who didn't ask you for anything. Of course I wanted a gift."

This made me sick and I immediately stopped watching the movie. That whole scene is what is wrong with so many women. We really expect men to read our minds and it is so unfair to them, especially when they are more than or just as screwed up as we are when it comes to knowing how to be in a relationship.

It is like we forget that we have recognized how dense they can be. How they often just look over things that doesn't affect on their lives. How they can ignore most anything and act like they know nothing, even when they have a PhD. How do we forget that we know we are smarter than them in many ways? How is it that just because we love them, we think they will know what we want, when they can't order off a menu in a restaurant?

Please! Women need to get a grip, stop having so many unrealistic expectations and get our acts together. Then and only then will we realize that we have what we need. We must ask for what we want and be very specific. We have to be realistic and know that just as we can read no ones mind, no one can read ours. Give me a break! Help them out where you can and you will find you will get what you want.

Writing Again

I go through spells of writer's block. I have been experiencing it off and on for most of this year. I write my blog almost everyday, but that's not the type of writing I'm referring to. I am working on three books. Most of what I do is highly personal and the book I am currently working on is no exception.

I am writing B. F. I.-Black Female Intellectual. This book contains commentary, poetry, journal entries and stories I have written and kept since 1973. I am currently working on the writings that led up to when I got pregnant in 1979. I got pregnant around the end of March. I notice I stopped writing after February, 1979 and didn't start again until June of 1979. It has been a tearful journey so far. I find myself crying for various reasons. One of the biggest is that I recognize how much I have always leaned on God to help me throughout my life.

Most of the letters are to God asking for His assistance, His forgiveness, His guidance. It seems no matter what the occasion, I turned to God to find the answer. I saw a sign that said, "Courage is fear has said it's prayers." One of my favorite things to say is, "I am prayed up." And I am. Just re-reading these writings have even more solidified my belief that the reason I have been able to survive on the level I have is because I have never forgotten God.

Now that I am writing again, I feel confident that I will get the three books out, with God's help.

Persistence

"The grandest quality of a true achiever is not natural talent or acquired skil, but persistence--the will to keep going when the way grows hard. The true achiever never give up when difficulty comes. He fights off the discouragement of defeat. Persistence is the most important quality of the consistent winner."

If you want to win at something, do not give up. This is the only reason my husband and I are still married. We want to win at this marriage thing. Neither one of us want divorce as a part of our legacy. We would rather fight than switch and because of that our bond has grown deeper and stronger with every storm that hits us.

The other day my husband laid on top of me and said, "How does it feel to be a failure?" With a puzzled look on my face I asked, "What are you talking about?" "You've been unsuccessful at trying to get rid of me for over 25 years. I'd say you are a big failure." We laughed and gut laugh and enjoyed each others company.

We are winning because we are making the choice. Not because we have some magic going on, or we know some secret method. We are in the trenches, fighting to good fight everyday. That's how you do it. hold on for the good.

Shaved

One of the ways I knew my husband was the man for me is that he had a beard when I met him and it didn't turn me off immediately. I was able to look past it.

The other day he shaved all the hair off his face. He has only done it one of other time in the 25 years I've known him. I love his face that way and when he looked at me I felt a warm throb in my chest area. It was an amazing feeling. I felt like I wanted to be close to him. It turned me on.

Needless to say, the fire has not died for us. We are very lucky considering our past. I know there are people out there somewhere who are sure one of us has killed the other. But that is not the case. We are still giving what we can to each other and making the best out of what we have managed to savage of our relationship throughout our journey together.

I am proud of us. I really am.

Winners vs Losers

THE WINNER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE ANSWER;
THE LOSER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE PROBLEM.

THE WINNER- ALWAYS HAS A PROGRAM;
THE LOSER-ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE

THE WINNER-SAYS "LET ME DO IT FOR YOU;"
THE LOSER-SAYS "THAT'S NOT MY JOB;"

THE WINNER-SEES AN ANSWER FOR EVERY PROBLEM;
THE LOSER-SEES A PROBLEM IN EVERY ANSWER;

THE WINNER-SEES A GREEN NEAR EVERY SAND TRAP;
THE LOSER-SEES TWO OR THREE SAND TRAPS NEAR EVERY GREEN;

THE WINNER-SAYS "IT MAY BE DIFFICULT BUT IT'S POSSIBLE;"
THE LOSER-SAYS, "iT MAY BE POSSIBLE BUT IT'S TOO DIFFICULT;"

IDENTIFY YOURSELF! DO IT NOW!
ARE YOU A WINNER OR LOSER?

Being Open

It is very important that we are open to possibilities. We must open our hearts and minds if we want relationships that last.

It really is as simple as that. Most of us don't have what we want because we really aren't open to receiving it.

Something to think about.

Work

Marriage is work.

Born to Win

Gestalt therapy and transactional analysis is designed to help individuals discover, acknowledge, accept and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personalities.

Gestalt is a German word that means "an organzied whole- a whole that works together. Dr. Perls believed the personalities of many people suffer from not being whole and are fragmented.

"The aim of Gestalt therapy is to help people become whole, to help them become aware of, admit to, reclaim and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personality."

I see it all the time. Parts of people's personalities splinter off to deal with things they are afraid to or cannot deal with as a whole. The whole purpose of Gestalt therapy is to help people go from dependency to self-sufficiency.

Gestalt therapy talks about "ego states." I was having a conversation with a friend about my husband. She questioned whether he could be a good father, when in fact he was fairing poorly as a husband and even a man. I explained to her that just because he has problems with being those to things doesn't mean he can't parent.

In Gestalt, each person has three ego states, Parent, Adult and Child. These states individual and have certain patterns of behavior. When you act like your parent's behaved, you are in your parent ego state, when you are dealing with current reality, handling business, assessing or gathering facts, you are in your adult ego state.

According to Gestalt therapy the Parent ego state -"contains the attitudes and behavior a person learns from external sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, the Parent is expressed toward others in prejudicial, critical and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child."

The Adult ego state-"is not related to a person's age. It is tuned in to current reality. The Adult is organized, adaptable, intelligent and functions by thinking clearly and objectively."

The Child ego state-"contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It also contains the memories of the child's early experiences and responses."

It is believed that people can act from all ego states, or they may predominately choose one or two they feel comfortable with portraying most of the time.

My husband, since I've known him has mostly operated through his Child and Parent ego states. He is rarely in reality and seldom wants to deal with NOW!

So when I say I feel he is a pretty good parent, he is. His parenting skills are better than mine in many ways. But as we all know, most adults do not want to be parented, thus he runs into a lot of problems with people because he usually is in his Parent ego state. He is constantly trying to tell other people what they should and should not do, but has no clue when it comes to his own life.

I can literally say I've never felt like we have had an adult conversation. We have plenty parent conversations, but I draw the line when he is in his Child ego state. This is why we rarely talk.

We make a mistake when we look at people in an "all or nothing manner." People are amazing in amazing ways. They have so many layers. There are few people who are completely worthless. It is easy to write people off when they don't MEASURE up to our standards, but who are we to hold others to certain standards? That is not love. Not the love I know God wants us to have for our fellow man.

I value what my husband brings to our family as a parent. We have well mannered, intelligent, self-confident children. Their father has been extremely nurturing with them all their lives. Just the other day my son came to me and said, "Mom, even though I'm really mad at Dad, I have to admit he has always shown me love."

Maybe that shouldn't be enough for me, but it is. I went my entire childhood feeling unloved by parents who provided love through lip service, while simultaneously doing everything they could to rob me of my soul. At the end of the day, knowing you are loved is the best sleeping pill.