On Top Of It

I am on top of the school thing. I've found a few places I can go one day a week. One place is really reasonable, but their hours of operation are in conflict with my sleep time. I have worked almost two years on this schedule which I am sure contributes to the balance I have achieved thus far.

Going to this school would completely shake up my routine which is not necessary if I chose another school that cost more, is closer to home, and has classes on the days I am off work.

Then there is always to desire to return to Spalding University, especially since my daughter has been accepted. I really think it would be cool to be there when she is for some reason. I know she wouldn't like it.

I most definitely won't go to U of L. I don't like the campus atmosphere,nor its layout.

I am unwilling to drive a certain distance, so the other state schools are out of the question.

Figuring it out.

Reluctant

I have been reluctant to come into the new age of technology. Thank God I have a good friend who is becoming and expert more and more everyday. She has taken me under her wing and taught me so much. I am greatful to her.

But, there is still something so unnatural about the Internet. The idea that information can be carried all over the world in seconds, still baffles me, but even more I ask myself why. Why do we need all this?

Well, Facebook has shown me the benefit of its services. Being able to reach out to people in your past is a kick for me. I am such a historian and I love finding out how people got to where they are. I think I'm falling in love.

Lesson

Owning my own business has taught me you cannot trust people and there is no need in thinking you can, especially when money is involved.

Almost everyone of my clients have tried to cheat me on some level. It has really made me sad, but I am not going to give up. I know something good has to come out of all this. I am waiting with faithful patience for the Universe to reveal the purpose of the past few years, as far as business is concerned.

I do believe something great is going to happen soon. I will not be discouraged or give up on my goals and dreams. I will continue to do what I have done and remain honest, no matter who tries to bring me down.

Am I Ready?

Everyday I watch my husband of 21 years get weaker and weaker. I look at him and wonder how much more pain can he stand. How many more days can he go without eating? He seems to somehow ignore how sick he really is in hopes that it will all just go away and get better.

But then there is a side of him that fully understands how sick he is and how bad off he will get if he does not soon comply. All I can do is watch and wait. My words are no comfort to him. All he hears is "I told you so." No, I haven't said that to him. How could I? I must admit even I thought he would soon do what is in his best interest, but I'm still waiting. Every other day he talks about exercising, but does not do it. He talks about eating right, but still puts to much in his body then has to throw it up because his body takes so long to digest his food due to the gasteoparesis.

Am I ready? I want to believe I am, but while I write this my eyes fill with tears. There is a lump in my throat and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. The one thing I truly have to keep me sane is the fact that I could have walked out on him and I chose not to. I chose to stay committed and I feel great about that. I don't let myself think, "I should have divorced him." Had I done so I do believe he would not have lived these past two years. I do believe the love I've shown has kept him wanting to live. He has said as much, but I refuse to take credit in his presence. I will act like I have a little modesty, but it is more than obvious if it were not for me reminding him of his commitment to his family, he would give up.

No, he has not been the best person. He has most definitely been a horrible husband, but he has put effort into being a father to his children. Is it enough? Will he feel regret, or will he be okay with the life he's led? Time will tell. I just want to be ready.

My Time is Now

It really feels good to know how much God loves me. Although I do not have an easy life by no stretch of the imagination, I know who I am and I feel good about the decisions and choices I have made.

I know for sure my time is now and I am open to all the Universe have to offer. I have no regrets, especially since I feel better mentally than I ever have in my entire life. My mind is free and burdenless. I pass on all things I cannot change to the One. I hold onto nothing that does not concern me and I am in a constant state of gratitude for what I do have.

My time is now. I will not sleep on it. I will not deny it.

Made It

When I look back at this year, so many people died young. Very young. For whatever reason, dying young seems so unfair. Even though we all know life is hard, we still hate to see others not have a chance at the hard knocks.

I sincerely feel I paid my dues in so many ways. My marriage has stretched me beyond all measure. No one would have ever told me I could have held on this long. It was my desire to grow as a person that kept me keepin' on.

I told my husband last night being married to him has caused to dig deep within myself and find the best person I can be in order to deal with him.

It has been worth it because I can truly say I am the woman I want to be and I am happy. If today is to be my last day, it's a good day for it because I am ready.

Peace, love and soul.