The Cost of Forgiveness

The book, The Peacemaker, written by Ken Sande has opened my eyes to a natural part of my character I have displayed for most of my life. I am the ultimate peacemaker and I'm proud of it. His book is based on biblical principles. In the book, he talks about how forgiving can cost you, depending on who and what you forgive.

I believe this is especially true with forgiveness in my marriage. When I forgave my husband, it seemed things just began to fall apart. I forgave infidelity and there were remnants of "the other woman." My husband held on to her to the bitter end.

Being a peacemaker can and is often misconstruded. People tend to think you are weak, or a push over. In reality people who are peacemakers understand the value of forgiveness and know that God loves a forgiving heart. There is a cost for every action, whether good or bad, right or wrong. Being up for life's challenges and wanting to please God is the only way to fully appreciate the true power of forgiveness.

The Ever Changing Role of Life

Life is fluid. Whether our minds change or not, we do. Until we accept we are not meant to stay stagnated, that we are born to grow and win at life; we will never find the serenity and peace that is awaiting our acceptance.

I accept the ever changing role of life.

The Good Friend

I have very few friends. The ones I do have are very good though. I think it is because I have demonstrated I am a good friend. I am honest with my friends. I am open to their limitations. I do not criticize. I don't give advice. I make suggestions. I don't try to change, but instead use acceptance as a tool to allow them to grow more into who they really want to be.

The good friend doesn't feel slighted if you can't spend time. They don't have to talk to you to know that all is well. They can accept you need your space and allow you to have it.

My friend list may be small, but it is full of love.

World Peace Starts at Home

Growing up in the East St. Louis taught me a lot about peace. Kids would act up in class and the teacher would call the parents to the school. If the parents came, they often acted worse than the child. It was clear to see why the child acted the way they did.

If we want a better world, we have to be better people with the confines of our homes. Yes, home should be where you can let it all hang out, but if you are violent, mean-spirited, hot-tempered, uneducated w/o compassion, disloyal, a thief, a liar, etc. Nine times out of ten, you are going to rear children who think everyone lives this way and they will bring that anti-social behavior into the world with them.

When I first met my husband, I explained to him that I wanted to create a household bases on peace, love and understanding. He agreed, but since he really had no idea of how to create this atmosphere, he had a hard time adjusting.

The most peculiar thing he would do, would be to get upset when he heard the kids getting loud, or even laughing. I had to bring it to his attention. Upon further examination, he realized he inherited that ridiculous behavior from his father, who thought children should be seen and not heard, even if they where expressing happiness or joy. Once he figured out why he responded that way, he was able to stop it and actually learned to accept that our kids being happy, in the home, meant a great deal. I felt so triumphant the first time he came to me and said, "Listen! Isn't that the best sound?" It was our children laughing.

Even though my husband and I have been through some of the worse experiences any couple could imagine, we have been able to rear children who are well-adjusted and happy for the most part. This is because we did our best to be decent to each other, especially if we were angry with each other. Sure we have argued in front of them and we have slammed doors etc., but it is how we have dealt with the aftermath of these turbulent times that I feel has made all the difference in the world.

When things were tense, if our children expressed concern we explained to them that all couples argue at some point. We'd apologize for disturbing them and reassured them we were okay. We also explained to them that is was not their responsibility to make sure we were okay, it was up to us.

I am glad I understood we are all responsible for our own actions and that we can create the lives we desire by being the people we desire others to be to us.

Disappointed

My biggest disappointment with society is that there are so few adults. It is so sad to see how many adult/children there are. People behave badly and expect others to ignore their behavior. They lie, steal, cheat, coerce. Folk refuse to take responsibility for stuff they have gotten caught red-handed doing.

It amazes me to no end how old folk act like two year old children when they don't get what they want right away. The expectations. The feelings of entitlement. Wow!

I work too hard. I care too much. I think too much. I try too hard. I wish I could be like other folk I know and just live off other people. Do all I can to get over and get by. But I can't. I like hard work. I like to accomplish goals I've set for myself.

I want to be held accountable for my actions, just as I do my accomplishments. I embrace adulthood and am very disappointed that many other don't.

Chronic Illness-6

He had the port put in, but not before he put himself through a lot of worry and indecision. I had to call an ambulance to take him to the emergency after he had thrown up for over four days and was having problems breathing and standing.

So much is going on in my life, but I must say I have found a peace that can only be achieved by having a true and honest relationship with the Creator. I let God soothe me. I look for times for peace and quiet reflection. I no longer my husband's mean spirit bother me. Sometimes it gets to me that he can be so cruel, especially since he is so ill and needs so much from others. The fact that he can be cruel is amazing to me.

I still find a way to do what is necessary and not linger on the uncomfortableness he causes with his negative attitude.

I sat and watched him temporarily lose his eyesight and that was frightening. I can only hope and pray he continues to take his medication and find a way to eat in moderation.

He has so many ailments that I have decided to write a script because I can't remember everything when the ambulance comes. I am hoping the dialysis will stop his need to be rushed to the hospital. He has been doing pretty well with taking his meds regularly. I think he has made the decision to live.

Silly Rabbit

Remember the Trix commercial where the rabbit would try to steal the Trix cereal from the kids. He's being all selfish and self-centered when he is caught read handed and told, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Well, a lot of married people need to be told, "Silly rabbit tricks are for kids." So many of us expect our mates to perform all kinds of "tricks" to earn our love. We bait them in, only to turn on them once we recognize they are they're own person. Unfortunately, the hope of romance causes a lot of us to expect certain "tricks" to be performed before we will give our so-called love to another.

Until we learn to respect each other for who we are, we will never have the kind of relationships we want. As long as we come to the table with our hands opened instead of extending in service, we will never know what it is like to truly give, or get unconditionally.

I never understood the desire many women have to be taken care of. Yes, society has tried to make us believe it should be this way, but women, especially black women have always worked and done more than required of them. But to expect someone to take care of your day-to-day needs, I still can't get it. Many women end up performing all kinds of tricks trying to keep what they are not willing to earn.

I even further do not understand men, who look to their women to be everything to them. The idea sounds better than the reality. In reality, no one wants to be dictated to, taken for granted, or led on, but this is what happens when people give too much power to others.

Stop expecting your mate to perform for you. If we approached each other as though we were going on an expedition, we'd learn so much and be appreciated much more. People love for others to take an interest in them. The way things are now, folk are only interested in sharing what they think will bring them the biggest return.

All I can say is, "Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids."

My 31 Year Old

My 31 year old daughter lives with me. She had an apartment for over 3 years. When my husband and I separated, she moved back home. The other day she came to me and was very serious. She said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being you. You are the perfect blend of mother and friend. You know how to just listen and let me say what I need, but you also know how to slip that mother thing in to make a point. Thank you for letting me stay with you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for not being one of those mothers who are all in your business."

I listened with glee. I felt proud that my daughter recognized that I am not the typical mother by any means. She and my son often praise me on how I don't over step my boundaries and I allow them to grow on their own as adults.

I never wanted to be the type of parent who continuously parents throughout their children's lives. I did all I could to guide them in what I believed to be the right way when I had full charge over them. After they turn 18, it is their turn to show me what they are working with.

I can tell my daughter is really proud of our relationship. So many of her friends complain about their mothers and she has none. I really don't bother her. Even though she lives at home, I go weeks without seeing her, but not without her kisses. Even if I'm sleep, she comes in my room and kisses me while I'm sleep. Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, but it was really her feeling compelled to love on her mommy.

She is a late bloomer and I have always known that. I am glad that I have not held her to the standard I hold for myself, because we would have a lot of issues. Since I do not do that to her, we have a very loving and loyal relationship.

I am truly blessed to have figured out some things early on about parenting and child rearing that has helped me break the cycle of abuse that was so prevalent in my family. Because of my ability to be who I want to be, I have love from those who mean the most to me.

Stress

I am doing research on the effects of stress. Even good things can cause us to experience stress. We only experience things as pleasurable, unpleasant, or neutral. When you don't have a handle on your feelings and emotions, it is easy to get confused about what you feel.

I have found meditation is the best way to get rid of stress, but it requires you learn to clear your mind. Learning to free yourself from thought is hard to do, especially when you are a thinker like me. It took me quite a few years to even try. When I first got into meditation, it was guided meditation. I used a tape and did what the person told me to do. I used that tape to help me quit a job that was extremely stressful and toxic.

It had been revealed that the owner and just about everyone else was a racist. It took a Mexican to be hired for the shit to hit the fan. I was the first black to be hired in the front office back in 1983 and they had been in business since 1957.

When they hired the Mexican guy, one of the other workers, unbeknown st to the owner, had been tortured by the kids in the Mexican neighborhood he grew up in as a white boy. Needless to say it was a mess. The Mexican guy decided to reach out to me for help because he thought I had worked some sort of magic to get along with those folk. Little did he know, I didn't know they were racist. They were ignorant and said a lot of stupid stuff, but I was only 23, just left East. St. Louis, IL and had no experience with white folk, other than my school teachers.

Before I began working for them, I was making $4.75 an hour. They started me off with $6.00. You couldn't tell me nothing. Within a year, I was making $7.75. They were very pleased with my work ethic and I was pleased to get paid. The office manager was very generous and she showed her appreciation for my hard work.

I had several incidents at a local restaurant where the owner, who often came into the printing company to have things printed, would come to the table, turn her back to me and talk to the white co-worker I would go with. This happened three times and I let my friend know if she did it again; I was going to say something to the woman. She did and I did. i wrote her a letter and she showed it to my office manager. The manager had the nerve to step to me and tell me I was harsh and that the woman didn't mean anything by her rudeness and disrespect.
The woman later came in with flowers and a card. She came to tell me about her one best black friend. I looked her dead in the eye and told her that statement she just made proved to me even more she was at the least discriminating against me, but I believed she was a racist. I refused to go in her restaurant.

That's when I began to understand that folk can be racist and pay you a far wage. That people can respect hard work, but hate the worker. I learned my lesson well about white folk on that job. After, 8.5 years, I eventually took off three days to pray and meditate. I could not morally work for people who would allow the harassment they did of the Mexican guy. When I reported it, they laughed. Even after the Mexican guy went to the city and put in a complaint, and an investigation was launched, the owner spouted out racial slurs one day when a Japanese guy walked out the door. That was it for me. I quit on that 4th day. I could not take the stress of working in such a racially hostile environment.

Since this incident, I have learned to empty my mind. Whenever a thought comes in, I catch it and blank it out. It is a wonderfully calming and renewing experience. This takes time, but I am worth it. For a few months I have been talking about how I feel things have changed. How I recognize something is different in me. One of the major changes is I am maintaining my weight, which is harder to do than lose. Another is that it has become so much easier to empty my mind.
Try meditation to rid yourself of stress.

For Those Who Didn't Make It

Wow, this year has been the last for quite a few celebrities. I was completely thrown aback to hear Teena Marie is dead. She was only 54. That is what is so frightening to me. You really have no idea of the day or the time. You don't know how long you have. It is so important to live authentically because any day could be your last.

I know she lived a real life. She had the nerve to sing R&B music and loudly at that. I have always admired her and I will miss her greatly.

Peace, love and soul to all those who did not make it in 2010.

Out to Lunch

I had to go to the doctor on Monday. I got a call from my husband stating he was in the lobby of the building. He called again and said he was coming up. I had to give blood, then we left. As we walked out of the door, he asked me what I wanted for lunch. We caught the bus to 4th Street and went to a Mexican restaurant.

As we dined, we laughed and made jokes, and bothered the waiters. We spent a very nice afternoon together. It amazes me how much we still enjoy each other. How we laugh and touch and look into each others eyes without reservation. We have paid our dues to get to this point and it feels great.

Even though he looked awful. He had been up all night throwing up and unable to sleep, yet he wanted to surprise me and he did. I enjoyed going out to lunch with my husband.

Am I Ready?

Everyday I watch my husband of 21 years get weaker and weaker. I look at him and wonder how much more pain can he stand. How many more days can he go without eating? He seems to somehow ignore how sick he really is in hopes that it will all just go away and get better.

But then there is a side of him that fully understands how sick he is and how bad off he will get if he does not soon comply. All I can do is watch and wait. My words are no comfort to him. All he hears is "I told you so." No, I haven't said that to him. How could I? I must admit even I thought he would soon do what is in his best interest, but I'm still waiting. Every other day he talks about exercising, but does not do it. He talks about eating right, but still puts to much in his body then has to throw it up because his body takes so long to digest his food due to the gasteoparesis.

Am I ready? I want to believe I am, but while I write this my eyes fill with tears. There is a lump in my throat and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. The one thing I truly have to keep me sane is the fact that I could have walked out on him and I chose not to. I chose to stay committed and I feel great about that. I don't let myself think, "I should have divorced him." Had I done so I do believe he would not have lived these past two years. I do believe the love I've shown has kept him wanting to live. He has said as much, but I refuse to take credit in his presence. I will act like I have a little modesty, but it is more than obvious if it were not for me reminding him of his commitment to his family, he would give up.

No, he has not been the best person. He has most definitely been a horrible husband, but he has put effort into being a father to his children. Is it enough? Will he feel regret, or will he be okay with the life he's led? Time will tell. I just want to be ready.

You Don't Know Me

So many people I meet make up their minds about what kind of person I am instantly. Then there are those who hear about me from others, form an opinion, then apologize stating, "You aren't like they said."

No, you don't know me. I am a strong black woman, capable of many things. I have come to the conclusion that the choices I made were necessary for my continued growth and maturity. I have chosen a hard path, one very similar to my grandmother and mother. My girls will break the cycle. In many ways they already have.

Yes, I am a peacemaker. I have been for all my life. I am the type that would love to burst into song throughout the day. I love to dance and laugh. I want everyone to feel as comfortable as they can around me. This is why I have developed the ability to allow others to be themselves with very few expectations. I am open to their process as much as I am my own, because I know people come into your for a reason. It is up to us to accept this and learn from the transactions that transpire between those we engage.

When I was in high school, I was accused of having the "Martin Luther King" syndrome. People hated the fact I would do what I could to find a win/win situation for all. Throughout the years I learned how impossible of a feat this can be, especially when you are dealing with those who would rather inspire conflict than a resolution. I desire peace. I desire harmony and silence. Because of this fact, I keep my life pretty clean. I have cut off, dropped away from, or simply forgot about certain people who were either hangers on, or folk who like to complain, but never really stand up and do what is necessary to make a change.

On the other hand, I have no problem with conflict if it is necessary to get to a peaceful resolution. Sometimes somebody might have to get cursed out to get the point. If that is the case, I can do that too. I'd much rather have peace, but I can do chaos.

You don't know me. You won't know me if you don't allow me to be me with you. If I have to be certain way to be your friend, I won't be your friend. If I have to have money to hang with you, even if I had it I wouldn't. If I had to know a certain set, or run with a certain crew for you to consider me, I won't be considered. I love me just the way I am with all my imperfections, limitations, and failures. I am.

You

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." Janis Joplin

I know, I know. She killed herself with drugs, but that doesn't mean she didn't have something worthwhile to say. She was right, which she learned; if you compromise yourself, you may not be able to comeback from whatever you gave yourself up to.

It is important we recognize when we are compromising ourselves. There are times when compromise is necessary, especially in marriage, but even then there are limitations. What is happening is many people give up so much of who they are without any true understanding of what they are giving up. Then, when they go inside themselves they find nothingness and loneliness. They look up and everyone they have given to have taken and gone. They are left to figure out how to get what they need. Oftentimes, they have to do without because they have compromised too much. When you lay down for people, they have a hard time when you try to get up on your feet.

Know who you are. Know why you want and need. Find a way to get it and learn to say no.

Prayer for Others

My Prayer for You

when you're lonely
I wish you love
when you're down
I wish you joy
when you're troubled
I wish you peace
when things are complicated
I wish you simple beauty
when things are chaotic
I wish you silence
when things look empty
I wish you hope

Share this with someone and really mean it. People are weary.

Decided

I have the diagnosis. Calcified tendonitis. No medication for it, no surgery. He offered me a topical cream that insurance won't pay for. I'm in a situation where I will be interupted with pain the rest of my life. "h my.

Leaving Me

My husband, a severe diabetic is in kidney and liver failure. I can only pray for him I truly care about him.

BCS-Basic Communication Skills-5

Giving and Receiving Feedback

Feedback--whether it is given or received--can be carried out most effectively by using the four communication skills described above. Here are some examples. Paraphrasing: "Did I understand you to say that you do not agree with the current pan?" Behavior description: "This is the third time you've asked that. Can you say more about your question?" Describing own feelings: "I felt antagonistic toward your laughing." Perception -checking: "You seem to feel very strongly abou the point you were making."

Some rules for effective feedback are useful. It should be given with the following guidelines in mind:

1. Noncoercive. Feedback should be given so that it dows not demand that the recipient change his behavior.
2. Consideration. Feedback should be given after a careful assessment has been made of the feelings of the recipients. This does not mean you should avoid showing anger (for example) to the other. It means the other should be ready to deal productively with it. Sometimes the giver of feedback will have to wait for a time when he is able to present his feelings clearly and the other is ready to listen.
3. Descriptive. Feedback should involve a clear report of the facts rather than the reasons why things happened as they did.
4. Recency. Feedback should be given close to the time of the events causing reaction.
5. Changeability. Feedback should be given about behavior that can be changed. For example, it is not very helpful to tell some that the color of his eyes bothers you.

More or Less

Most times when we think we want more, we really need less. It really doesn't matter what it is. Many of us in this country have more than what we need, yet somehow people still feel deprived, or in need of things. Especially if the see someone else with something they think they should have.

Try it. Try living off less, eating less, talking less, buying less. You just may discover you have more time for the things that really matter in life.

Clean Slate

I had a conversation with someone that ended with the person stating, "Well, we can now start with a clean slate."

I said, "I know how to do clean slate. That is why I've been married for 25 years."

It is true. Because I am aware of the importance of forgiveness and having a willingness to start over, I have been able to stay married.

You must be willing to let others have another chance.