Why Patience is A Virtue

Being naturally patient, I sometimes laugh at people who are in a hurry to go nowhere. You know the ones who will pass you on the road, only to get to the light and it turns red. They may be in front, but they still have to wait.

Waiting? Waiting seems to be a bad thing for most people. They want what they want and they want it now. Me, on the other hand, has always been willing to wait for what is meant for me and to achieve the goals, dreams, and desires I have for my life.

Waiting has gotten me much more than being impatient ever has. Patience is a virtue because it tempers the soul and humbles the ego. Waiting builds character. A person who can wait understands it is not all about them. They recognize there are other factors and are willing to allow them to unfold.

Impatience breeds disappointment because most times much of the important stuff is left out in haste. Being patient allow you to think and decide. Impatience usually precedes impulsiveness, which leads to disappointment.

Patience allows us to grow closer to God, especially if we are seeking His while waiting for an outcome.

Good Boundaries

I have excellent boundaries and I have come to realize people are very intimidated by me because of it. I recently talked to someone I only met a few weeks ago. It was a very brief meeting, no words exchanged at all.

Last night I was talking this person at length and she ended the conversation by stating, "I am so glad I talked to you. I thought you were mean."

I have heard it a million times, but honest to God, I responded like it was the first time because I literally had said nothing at all to this person. When I asked her why she thought that, she said other co-workers had said some things. She had bought into whatever was being said without checking for herself. It was only happenstance that we had the conversation.

I told her my theory about people who perceive me as "mean." Men say it alot and I tell them immediately, "I'm not your momma." I told her that I believe people who say that about me are people who are looking at me through a child's eye. Most adults recognize I am a confident, strong, capable woman and I carry myself as such. I'm not a big hugger, or a person to pour syrup all over others to be accepted.

I have great boundaries and I refuse to change a thing. I'm glad some people view me that way. Those are the ones I don't have to be bothered with. Yet, it is sort of disheartening to go have people label me negatively just based on looks. I don't have to say a word. I am very serious, but that does not mean, I am mean. As a matter of fact, I really don't have the capacity to be "really mean." It is not in my makeup.

I ain't trying to win no popularity contest and it is a good thing, because obviously, I won't.

The Perfect Wife

I wasn't always the perfect wife. I learned how to be the hard way. I was very verbally abusive to my husband for half of our marriage. It would mainly happen if he would disappointment me, disagree with me, or mistreat me. Although I felt justified in being angry at some of the situations and circumstances he found himself in, I could have been more loving in my approach, especially since I do love and care about him.

I have various reasons as to why I was that way. Most of the reason has to do with the lack of control I had over my emotions. My role models for handling conflict were conflictual, so I didn't have a clear understanding of how to deal with uncomfortable, hurtful, or even unexpected situations.

Back in 2004 when I discovered my husband was having an affair, when he asked me if I was going to leave him, my mouth wanted to say yes, but God put it on my heart to say no. When I said no, that began me on a journey of self-awareness so deep it shook my very soul. It was at that moment I began to notice a shift in awareness, understanding and I discovered I lacked compassion for my husband.

I began on my journey of becoming the perfect wife.

Trusting the Process

After I finished book one, I felt such a relief. I knew God had put the book on my heart, but book two was a surprise. Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage Abigail and Na'bal Purpose Revealed, came out of the revelation that God had work for me to do.

Although we can be sure that God is always working for our good and the good of others, even through trials and suffering, we will not always know exactly what that good is. In many cases his ultimate purposes will not be evident for a long time. Ken Sande, The Peacemaker

At the beginning of the book, I reveal that I learned my husband was still involved with the other woman. Even though I had made up mind to forgive him, it was hard to take, but God kept on me. He kept me focused on the big picture. It wasn't long before the purpose was revealed. My husband had three strokes, then a series of other procedures, heart attacks, surgeries, etc. Now, three years later, I look at him and thank God for the miracle he is.

He is the second person in the United States to have a stint placed in his basal artery above his brain stem. Everyday he doesn't have a stroke is a miracle. His health has deteriorated to the point that all I can think of is how to make him comfortable. Yes, the same man who cheated on me, didn't take his adult responsibilities seriously until a few months ago, (after 25 yrs.). Yes, the same man who has been distant and cold and mean-spirited.

God took the love I have for him and made it into a new thing. By no means is it easy, but it is worth it. My eyes don't cry no more.

Something New

Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.

When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.

He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.

Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.

Am I Ready?

Everyday I watch my husband of 21 years get weaker and weaker. I look at him and wonder how much more pain can he stand. How many more days can he go without eating? He seems to somehow ignore how sick he really is in hopes that it will all just go away and get better.

But then there is a side of him that fully understands how sick he is and how bad off he will get if he does not soon comply. All I can do is watch and wait. My words are no comfort to him. All he hears is "I told you so." No, I haven't said that to him. How could I? I must admit even I thought he would soon do what is in his best interest, but I'm still waiting. Every other day he talks about exercising, but does not do it. He talks about eating right, but still puts to much in his body then has to throw it up because his body takes so long to digest his food due to the gasteoparesis.

Am I ready? I want to believe I am, but while I write this my eyes fill with tears. There is a lump in my throat and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. The one thing I truly have to keep me sane is the fact that I could have walked out on him and I chose not to. I chose to stay committed and I feel great about that. I don't let myself think, "I should have divorced him." Had I done so I do believe he would not have lived these past two years. I do believe the love I've shown has kept him wanting to live. He has said as much, but I refuse to take credit in his presence. I will act like I have a little modesty, but it is more than obvious if it were not for me reminding him of his commitment to his family, he would give up.

No, he has not been the best person. He has most definitely been a horrible husband, but he has put effort into being a father to his children. Is it enough? Will he feel regret, or will he be okay with the life he's led? Time will tell. I just want to be ready.

It Is Not Your Fault

"For the emotionally abused child, healing comes down to forgiving yourself--knowing you deserve to be respected, you deserve to be loved."

I was an emotionally abused child. I was also physically abused. (That is a different blog.)
Both parents abused me emotionally and they felt they were doing it for my own good.

"We must renounce the lie that emotional abuse prepares children for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some people who were prepared for a hard life that way--I met them while they were doing life."

Yes, abuse of any kind for any reason seldom has the effect that some thinks it should. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected for who they are. Oftentimes, parents emotionally abuse their children because they were, but most times they do it because it comes easier than actually finding out who the child is and helping mold them into the person they seem to be developing.

Parents who abuse their children emotionally are leaving scars that often do not heal. People seldom forget being called stupid, or being told they will never amount to anything. Parents who do this will say, "I said those things hoping you would not be those things." It doesn't work like that. Negative reinforcement usually brings about some sort of negative manifestation of the self. Especially if it is your primary caretakers telling you this things about you. They are the people who are supposed to know you best. They reared you.

The problem is they do not know you and they are destroying you before you can completely develop. This is the problem with emotional abuse. It causes shame and guilt feelings when most often all the child is doing is trying to find their place in the world.

Be positive with your children and spouse. Elevate them, love them, respect them.

Personal Power

Increase your personal power by:

1. Listening--is the ability to hear what is being said and get the message behind the words. Developing the ability to encourage more information and to successfully understand what is being said. "I hear you saying you are not pleased with your assignment. Could be please tell me exactly what parts of the assignment bother you?"
2. Speaking Clearly and directly--Develop the ability to deliver a clear statement with no hidden messages. We must understand our own feelings and motivations in order to clarify and send direct messages.
3. Verbal and nonverbal congruence--develop the ability to support verbal statements with nonverbal behaviors that deliver the same message. (The look on your face should match what you say."
4. Setting limits--Develop the ability to set priorities and refuse to spend time on things and people that interfere with those priorities.
5. Making requests--Develop the ability to ask clearly, persistently and persuasively for the ting we want.
6. Managing conflict--Develop the ability to sort through the facts, behaviors and feelings of a difficult situation. In managing conflict it is especially important to separate facts from assumptions and present feelings from prior history. Managing conflict is a two-way communication process, and the sender of the message should always wait to hear the perceptions and feelings of the recipient. The next step is to move on to what we want the other person to do.
7. Negotiating--Develop the ability to give and take. Negotiating requires entering situations with a clear idea of what you want and what you don't ant, as well as paying attention to the needs, concerns and interests of the other party.
8. Motivating--Develop the ability to assess what is important to the people around you. Praise, reward, compliments, money, recognition, visibility and feedback are all excellent motivators. It takes observation and assessment to choose the one that best meets the needs of all. The best motivator is to catch people doing the right thing. We are so used to only responding to negative actions, that when someone does something right we tend to ignore them. When we praise them for what they have done right, they are likely to behave in a positive manner again.

People skills can be taught, identified, analyzed, learned and mastered. Practice makes perfect.

BCS-Basic Communication Skills-5

Giving and Receiving Feedback

Feedback--whether it is given or received--can be carried out most effectively by using the four communication skills described above. Here are some examples. Paraphrasing: "Did I understand you to say that you do not agree with the current pan?" Behavior description: "This is the third time you've asked that. Can you say more about your question?" Describing own feelings: "I felt antagonistic toward your laughing." Perception -checking: "You seem to feel very strongly abou the point you were making."

Some rules for effective feedback are useful. It should be given with the following guidelines in mind:

1. Noncoercive. Feedback should be given so that it dows not demand that the recipient change his behavior.
2. Consideration. Feedback should be given after a careful assessment has been made of the feelings of the recipients. This does not mean you should avoid showing anger (for example) to the other. It means the other should be ready to deal productively with it. Sometimes the giver of feedback will have to wait for a time when he is able to present his feelings clearly and the other is ready to listen.
3. Descriptive. Feedback should involve a clear report of the facts rather than the reasons why things happened as they did.
4. Recency. Feedback should be given close to the time of the events causing reaction.
5. Changeability. Feedback should be given about behavior that can be changed. For example, it is not very helpful to tell some that the color of his eyes bothers you.

BCS-Basic Communication Skills-4

Describing Behavior

In a behavior description you should report specific observable behaviors of the other without evaluating them and without making inferences about the other person's motives, attitudes, or personality. As you develop skill in describing behavior you will become a better observer of the behaviors of others. You may find that there is sometimes little observable evidence to support our conclusion of others.

The objectives in describing behavior is to provide the other person with a clear picture of the specific behavior to which you are responding. In addition, you will usually need to communicate additional information concerning nature of your response. Behavior description is often used in conjunction with one of the other communication skills. When you describe those specific behaviors that have prompted a perception check or description of your own feelings, you will usually increase the other person's understanding of you and also help him to become aware of the effect of his own actions. A behavior description is often useful in accompanying a perception check. For example, "you have brought up the issue of gum-chewing three times this afternoon. Does that mean you feel strongly about it?"

If you and another person want to communicate clearly and improve your relationship, the behavior description can be a valuable skill. Each of you will become more aware of your impact on the other and you will both achieve a clearer picture of your own actions.

BCS-Basic Communication Skills-3

Describing Own Feelings

Describing your own feelings helps others to understand how you feel so that they can respond to you with greater efficacy. although feelings get expressed in many different ways, usually people make no attempt to describe or identify directly the feelings themselves. When you merely express your feelings, the other person must try to infer your emotional state from a variety of cues. Since these cues are often ambiguous or even contradictory, the likelihood of misperception is great. When you directly describe your own feelings, however, the chance of misinterpretation and resultant action based on false assumptions are decreased.

Dissatisfaction and hostile feelings often indicate that faulty communication and misunderstanding have occurred. When these feelings arise, you and the other person should discuss how each sees the situation or the relationship. In this way, you may discover that your feelings come from misperceptions of the situation or misunderstandings of the motives of the other person. More accurate communication should cause the hostile feelings to abate. On the other hand, if your feeling of rejection are a response to the actions of the other person, he may want to change this own behavior. This desire for change is particularly likely if the other becomes aware that his actions are arousing feelings i you or others that he does not intend. In this case, you have helped him to reduce his "blind area" by providing him with a description of your own feelings.

There are strong norms in our culture against expressing emotions openly and also again acknowledging that you perceive the other to be experiencing the description of feelings the most difficult of the skills presented here. They often ask for guideline regarding the appropriate times to describe your feelings. One of the best criteria, with regard to negative feelings at least, is to ask yourself whether you are going to harbor anxious or resentful feelings against the other. You should share your feelings when you feel that you will be uncomfortable if you do not.

The aim in describing your own feelings is to provide the other with accurate information about your emotional state. It should not be an effort to coerce the other into changing his annoying actions so that you will not feel as you do. Do not threaten the other with your feelings. By reporting your inner state, you are providing information that is necessary if the two of you are to understand each other and improve your relationship.

More or Less

Most times when we think we want more, we really need less. It really doesn't matter what it is. Many of us in this country have more than what we need, yet somehow people still feel deprived, or in need of things. Especially if the see someone else with something they think they should have.

Try it. Try living off less, eating less, talking less, buying less. You just may discover you have more time for the things that really matter in life.

Community Minded

I have the Key to the City. I have the Distinguished Citizens Award. I have several other awards that indicate my committment to giving back to whatever community I live in. It is important that we all understand our role in helping the world become a better place.

Get involved in some sort of community activity. Everyone benefits from what one does.

God Bless Us

God Bless Us

I am only one person,
but I am one person.
I can't do everything
but I can do something.
And what I can do,
I ought do do.
And what I ought to do,
by the grace of God
I will do.


We must put for the effort to do all we can with what we have. An attitude of gratitude is the only cure for self-pity.

Clean Slate

I had a conversation with someone that ended with the person stating, "Well, we can now start with a clean slate."

I said, "I know how to do clean slate. That is why I've been married for 25 years."

It is true. Because I am aware of the importance of forgiveness and having a willingness to start over, I have been able to stay married.

You must be willing to let others have another chance.

Personal Awareness

Personal power is achieved by having personal awareness.

As yourself these questions daily:

1. How am I doing?
2. How do I feel?
3. Am I holding any tensions? If so, what are they from?
4. What do I want to do today?
5. What have I done today to achieve my goals?
6. Do I need to clear up any problems in any of my personal or professional relationships?
7. Do I feel nurtured, cared for, appreciated? If not, what can I do to get these for myself?

You are the only person who can successfully direct and channel your energy. Your resources are your time, your skills and your energy. These are the foundations of personal power.

When I Think Back

Sometimes when I think about how I used to be. The old me, I cringe. I hated my self so much yet I could right poems like this one. I wrote this when I was 15 and at the height of my self-hate:

Like You, You'll Love You

You never want to be who you are.
You look at others and admire then from afar.
You never look at yourself and say,
"I'm the best I can be."
You always look and say,
"I don't like me."

If you don't like yourself, life will always be hard to live.
Just remember you have all God had to give.

Make the best of you,
You are all you've got.
Forget about others and what you're not.

Be yourself and you'll soon see;
that who you are is who you would rather be.

Now that I have really learned to love myself, when I read this poem I am proud of how hopeful and insightful I was at an early age. It is this hope that comes through in this poem that truly kept me alive and wanting to learn how to love myself completely.

I have come to that place and it is heaven on earth.

Winners vs Losers

THE WINNER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE ANSWER;
THE LOSER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE PROBLEM.

THE WINNER- ALWAYS HAS A PROGRAM;
THE LOSER-ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE

THE WINNER-SAYS "LET ME DO IT FOR YOU;"
THE LOSER-SAYS "THAT'S NOT MY JOB;"

THE WINNER-SEES AN ANSWER FOR EVERY PROBLEM;
THE LOSER-SEES A PROBLEM IN EVERY ANSWER;

THE WINNER-SEES A GREEN NEAR EVERY SAND TRAP;
THE LOSER-SEES TWO OR THREE SAND TRAPS NEAR EVERY GREEN;

THE WINNER-SAYS "IT MAY BE DIFFICULT BUT IT'S POSSIBLE;"
THE LOSER-SAYS, "iT MAY BE POSSIBLE BUT IT'S TOO DIFFICULT;"

IDENTIFY YOURSELF! DO IT NOW!
ARE YOU A WINNER OR LOSER?

Marriage Is Not for Children

Marriage is not for children. Marriage is for adults who are willing to enter into an agreement that will cultivate as much of a win/win outcome for both spouses.

Marriage is for those who are mature, or willing to mature. Marriage is not for children, yet over and over childish individuals enter into the adult world of marriage and find they are not equip to handle the responsibility. Just because you pay bills, drive a car, have your own apartment, etc. does mean you are an adult. Our minds often does not catch up with our age.

Many people are under the assumption they are marrying someone ready for marriage. It doesn't take them long to find out they married a fully grown infant just wanting their way and expecting everyone else to cater to them. Or they find they have married someone incapable of experiencing their feelings and emotions, other than anger, need for sex, and food. Then there are those of us who marry only to find we didn't know what we thought we knew, now we have to try to fake it, knowing all the time we will soon be found out.

Think before you leap. Marriage is not for children.

Jealousy

I am maintaining my weight. I have gained weight in years and I am toning and eating less. It never ceases to amaze me how women allow themselves to feel less than because they are unwilling to do what they need to do for themselves to have what they want.

I went out tonight. I looked cute in my knee length after five red dress, but I was critcized and eyeballed, because I pulled it off. I looked really good and you could see it all over the faces of the women who made sure I saw they were looking at me.

So what? I have nice legs, even at 48 and I have no problem showing them. I looked good. Jealousy is such a waste of time. Find out what looks good on you and stop trippin' on what others are wearing or doing.