Not Meant to Be

When I was in my early twenties, I had high hopes for love. I had met someone who opened me up to parts of myself I was not fully aware of. I found myself focusing on him and truly believing these things were revealed because he was the one for me. He didn't feel that way.

He gave me his reasons why he felt we would not make it and some of them were very damaging to my self-esteem, yet I was able to conquer the self-doubt he left me with and become the woman I always knew I was meant to be.

As women, we need to learn to let go quicker by accepting some things are just not meant to be. I do believe the Creator knew I needed to know whether there could have been a possibility for us. I was blessed to reconnect with him and found that it was not meant for us to be together. My life would probably have been worse than it has been, if that is even possible. I can see this man would have tried to control my thoughts and this would never have worked.

I am grateful I didn't get what I thought I so desperately wanted. Back then I did all I could to force myself upon him, trying to make he see the mistake he was making leaving me behind. Now, knowing what I know; I accept that clearly it was not meant for me to be with him. I will be forever grateful to him for sparing me the inevitable pain trying to love him would have caused me.

The Older I Get

The older I get, the younger I feel in many ways. Even though I have severe arthritis, I feel young and vibrant and alive. I feel as though still have so much to offer the world and that I have the time to do it.

Even though I am getting older, I have regrets. I am actually looking forward to turning 50. I know there is a freedom to be found in this decade and I can't wait to embrace it.

Back in the 90's, Stevie Wonder sang a song called, "You Will Know." The song is about waiting on God. I had it on tape, but it was destroyed. I looked for the CD for years, then finally found one this year. When I listened to the song, I began thinking about where my state of mind was when it first came out. I said to my husband, "I remember crying and feeling lost and unable to go on. Now, I know and God knows it feels good."

"I remember feeling the same way, but I thought I would never make it to know. I know too."

The older we get; the more opportunities we have to be the people we know God wants us to be. Just listening to that song and having all those old memories come up and not feel sad, or still stuck was a true revelation.

My life is better than I could have ever imagined then. God is good.

The Last Hour of 2010

It is quiet, for right now. They have been shooting in my neighborhood for since 9 p.m. Some of the guns sound like cannons. My husband lay on our bedroom floor in pain and moaning and praying for God to help him. He has been like this for over a week.

He fell out of the chair and began to shake. I covered him with the comforter. He laid there and moaned and cried out and asking why this was happening. Then he stopped and had a blank stair on his face. I yelled for my daughter to call 911. He got very loud and yelled, "No, I ain't going to no hospital. They don't do nothing for me."

"What about us, Jerome?"

"I'm alright baby." He said trying to really sound like he wasn't in pain.

I have no idea why he is torturing himself. I truly don't understand it. He has literally been vomiting for days. He makes gut wrenching sounds that go all through the house, turning every one's stomach. He has everyone taking care of him, helping him off the floor when he falls out, bringing him water, etc.

We all love him, but it is really hard to watch do this to himself. He is convinced he is going to die if he begins dialysis. The pain seems tremendous. I am so conflicted. He gets so angry and argues when I try to convince him to go to the hospital. I don't believe in sitting back and letting others hurt themselves. I'd hate to have to take drastic measures, but I will to save his life.

Even though this is going on, I am still happy and feeling joyous. I have been blessed with the knowledge that I am in control of my feelings and emotions, and although sad, I cannot allow what is going on with my husband to hinder me from enjoying the ride. In this last hour of 2010, I want peace and love. I just hugged my son, who is 19 and made the choice to be at home during this time. Many young men his age are out in the street, or at someones house, or club. He chose to be home. I thanked him for making the right decision.

My youngest is in her room listening to Justin Bieber. My oldest is in her room on the Internet. I am spilling my guts and my husband is throwing up his. We are all together.

I will leave so much behind with this year. I have made quantum leaps in many areas that were holding me back. I am free and at peace. It seriously amazes me at how much I have changed in regards to what I want and think I need. Last night I rocked my husband to sleep twice. He cooed like a newborn, and I felt useful. It blessed me to know my touch soothed him and I felt pleased with myself to know I genuinely wanted to take care of him.

Things could be so different, especially with all we have been through. I could be bitter and hateful. I could take advantage of his weakness and be mean to him and brutal, but I have chosen to love. I am more amazed by this revelation than anyone could imagine. You couldn't have told me that I would have chosen to love someone who has treated me as poorly as he has.

I have worked on myself. I have given myself what I need to be the woman God wants me to be. I am doing what I need to do for me, so my heart is not heavy. I carry no shame, no guilt, no burden that is not my own. I live to learn to love completely and totally just because I can. In this last hour of 2010, I plan to love the new year in.

Am I Ready?

Everyday I watch my husband of 21 years get weaker and weaker. I look at him and wonder how much more pain can he stand. How many more days can he go without eating? He seems to somehow ignore how sick he really is in hopes that it will all just go away and get better.

But then there is a side of him that fully understands how sick he is and how bad off he will get if he does not soon comply. All I can do is watch and wait. My words are no comfort to him. All he hears is "I told you so." No, I haven't said that to him. How could I? I must admit even I thought he would soon do what is in his best interest, but I'm still waiting. Every other day he talks about exercising, but does not do it. He talks about eating right, but still puts to much in his body then has to throw it up because his body takes so long to digest his food due to the gasteoparesis.

Am I ready? I want to believe I am, but while I write this my eyes fill with tears. There is a lump in my throat and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. The one thing I truly have to keep me sane is the fact that I could have walked out on him and I chose not to. I chose to stay committed and I feel great about that. I don't let myself think, "I should have divorced him." Had I done so I do believe he would not have lived these past two years. I do believe the love I've shown has kept him wanting to live. He has said as much, but I refuse to take credit in his presence. I will act like I have a little modesty, but it is more than obvious if it were not for me reminding him of his commitment to his family, he would give up.

No, he has not been the best person. He has most definitely been a horrible husband, but he has put effort into being a father to his children. Is it enough? Will he feel regret, or will he be okay with the life he's led? Time will tell. I just want to be ready.

Decided

I have the diagnosis. Calcified tendonitis. No medication for it, no surgery. He offered me a topical cream that insurance won't pay for. I'm in a situation where I will be interupted with pain the rest of my life. "h my.

Leaving Me

My husband, a severe diabetic is in kidney and liver failure. I can only pray for him I truly care about him.

Winners vs Losers

THE WINNER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE ANSWER;
THE LOSER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE PROBLEM.

THE WINNER- ALWAYS HAS A PROGRAM;
THE LOSER-ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE

THE WINNER-SAYS "LET ME DO IT FOR YOU;"
THE LOSER-SAYS "THAT'S NOT MY JOB;"

THE WINNER-SEES AN ANSWER FOR EVERY PROBLEM;
THE LOSER-SEES A PROBLEM IN EVERY ANSWER;

THE WINNER-SEES A GREEN NEAR EVERY SAND TRAP;
THE LOSER-SEES TWO OR THREE SAND TRAPS NEAR EVERY GREEN;

THE WINNER-SAYS "IT MAY BE DIFFICULT BUT IT'S POSSIBLE;"
THE LOSER-SAYS, "iT MAY BE POSSIBLE BUT IT'S TOO DIFFICULT;"

IDENTIFY YOURSELF! DO IT NOW!
ARE YOU A WINNER OR LOSER?

Marriage Is Not for Children

Marriage is not for children. Marriage is for adults who are willing to enter into an agreement that will cultivate as much of a win/win outcome for both spouses.

Marriage is for those who are mature, or willing to mature. Marriage is not for children, yet over and over childish individuals enter into the adult world of marriage and find they are not equip to handle the responsibility. Just because you pay bills, drive a car, have your own apartment, etc. does mean you are an adult. Our minds often does not catch up with our age.

Many people are under the assumption they are marrying someone ready for marriage. It doesn't take them long to find out they married a fully grown infant just wanting their way and expecting everyone else to cater to them. Or they find they have married someone incapable of experiencing their feelings and emotions, other than anger, need for sex, and food. Then there are those of us who marry only to find we didn't know what we thought we knew, now we have to try to fake it, knowing all the time we will soon be found out.

Think before you leap. Marriage is not for children.

You Don't Know Him

One of the biggest problems I have with our gender is when we meet a man we think we want to be with, we begin to think we know him, because we want or desire to be with him. The more time we spend with him, the more we are convinced we have him pegged. When in reality, you never, never, never, really know anyone.

When things came to light about my husband, I found myself scratching my head. Here I was with a man who I had known for over a decade, but in an instant I found out I didn't know jack.
I began to do research on the male psyche and began with reading "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man," a book written by Sam Keen he is a Theologian and has written several books an the subject.

What I found so facinating was how much I had taken for granted about men based on having absolutely no knowledge of them. Like so many other women I based what I thought I knew on what I knew to be true for me. I had not given any thought to the uniqueness of malesness. There are some very realistic differences between the sexes. After reading this book, I backed all the way up and accepted I was very wrong for assuming I knew what men are like, what they go through, or even what they need.

We need to study long and hard about maleness and stop projecting our femininity on men.

Figuring it All Out

I understand a lot more now at 48 than I could ever imagine. The greatest committment I have made has made the biggest difference in the type of person I have come to be. Had I not married who I married, I truly do not believe I would be where I am in my mental development.

Learning to sincerely love him without reservation has opened my eyes so completely to the wonder of the soul. It is infinite in its ability to grow and learn and share. I recognize what I have and even though it is not ideal, it is my life.

Authenticity

I make no apologies for who I am. Just as it has others, life has shaped me. Unfortunately, some of the brightest people still have problems letting others be who they are. They bring to conversations their preconceived ideas about what should and should not happen at even given moment. When others do not fit into their idea of what should be, they immediately have a problem with the person.

This happens to me a lot. Because I fear no man. Because I know, that I know , that I know. I do not respond they way others feel I should and I have to be subjected to them telling me how I should have responded to this, that, or the other.

No one has the right to dictate what comes out of another person's mouth. If you don't like what is said, that is one thing, but to actually tell a person what they could have said, or should have said is out of line and disrespectful in itself. I take people at face value and if I find I cannot handle what they are putting down, then I put them down.

I don't make it a habit of allowing myself to be dictated to and that is a good thing. I'd really be crazy if I listened to all the people who want to tell me how to express myself, what to wear, how to walk into a room. I mean really, who has the time to worry about what others think?

We are living in a marvelous time that will go down in history as one of the most unusual decades for destruction and growth. Our economy is taking its beatings and we are having to rely more on less and deal with it. What will you contribute to this marvelous time in history? What will you learn about yourself? How will you adapt to the New World Order? It is time we all learn to do our own thing and leave other people's alone.

Resentment

I have mentioned my books Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage several times. What I have not talked about is how I came to the decision to get out of the way.

Back in 1997, I made a decision that rendered my husband homeless. We had just moved to a new city and neither one of us knew anyone. He returned to his hometown, then 18 months, after doing much soul searching and ultimately realizing and accepting I was wrong, he returned home.

Little did I know he had done some thinking also and made a vow to himself that he'd never be put out without somewhere to go. Thus, he developed a relationship with another woman, or so he claims this is the only reason she is still in his life six years later.

Whether this is the real reason for the other woman or not, what stands out to me is even though I did all I could do to make him know I was wrong and that I wanted to make it right, the resentment had set in back in 1997, and all my efforts were for naught, when it came to savaging our personal relationship.

He has been trying to make me pay for my wrongs of the past. The very wrongs I have been working to rectify. When I found out for sure that my efforts were for nothing, I was crushed. It made me feel like a fool initially. I guess all human beings have to go through that, but I quickly turned it around and looked at the outcome as I do every other outcome, it is what it is. I did what I thought was right. No, what I know was right. I tried to savage the marriage I helped to destroy, and it did not work out like I had hoped.

His resentment served as a shield that kept him from accepting the changes I had made. He didn't accept my tearful apologies, my efforts to help him feel secure with me, or my humble attempts to honor his place as head of the household. Resentment robbed me of the opportunity to find a husband in the man I married.

Resentment in a marriage has the same effects that roaches and termites can have on a house. Once they are in you can almost never get them out. Consistent treatment and attention to the infestation is the only way to get on top of them.

Resentment in a marriage is even harder to get rid of. My husband isn't aware of how angry with and resentful of me he is. He has created a situation that has caused the one thing he was trying to keep from happening, happen. This is what we do to ourselves when we seek to blame others for how our lives turn out. Had he been the husband he should have been I would not have made the decision I made. He doesn't look at it that way because he can only be a victim.

Well, I am not a victim. I am a conqueror. I wouldn't trade my life to save my life. I love the choices I've made because each of them have brought me closer to the greatest love of all. Loving myself.