I always knew when I made up my mind it was over between my husband and I that it would really be over and there would be no looking back. This is why I stayed until I couldn't stand anymore.
God guided me through the entire 26 years. We were never what others would consider compatible, it truly was a spiritual thing. God had something power He wanted to do in my life and I do believe no other person could have brought me to this place, as my estranged husband did.
He challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. He helped me grow into the woman I am today, but most importantly, he helped me learn how to love unconditionally, because that is the only way anyone could ever love him. He has to be the most difficult person to love I have ever met.
There is no way I would ever go back to him. As long as he is alive, I will respect him as the father of my children, but I will never be a wife or lover to him again. He does not get to feel my warmth and loving ways, ever again. He gave it all up for a fit of anger and irrational behavior. 26 years gone, because still, at 50 years old he has no self-control.
That is not my problem. I need to be with someone who is receptive to love and not afraid of it.
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
You Just Had to Have It
So often, may it be people or things, we feel like we have to have it/them. Then, when we get what we think we want, we have the nerve to be upset when it is not what we wanted it to be. This happens a lot in relationships. We don't pay attention to the signs, then when we are totally involved, we're looking to get what we thought we would, only to find what we thought is not matching up with what is.
Our level of expectation should be more realistic from the beginning. We need to ask more questions up front. Pay attention to what is being said during conversations and accept what we hear to be true, whether we want to believe it or not. Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it. If you do get what you claimed you wanted then you should be willing to deal with what you asked for, whether it comes exactly like you wanted it or not.
If you just had to have it, then you should be willing to accept what comes along with it/them.
Our level of expectation should be more realistic from the beginning. We need to ask more questions up front. Pay attention to what is being said during conversations and accept what we hear to be true, whether we want to believe it or not. Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it. If you do get what you claimed you wanted then you should be willing to deal with what you asked for, whether it comes exactly like you wanted it or not.
If you just had to have it, then you should be willing to accept what comes along with it/them.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
No Stroking
I know there is a man out there that does not have to have his ego stroke constantly by women to feel like a man. That is the type of man I am seeking. I love to give compliments and recognition to my man, but I don't want to be held responsible for making sure he feels good about himself at all times.
I need someone less high maintenance and much more confident. I met such a man 27 years ago, but we didn't work out. I had the privilege of talking to him recently and it was so refreshing not to have to think about whether i was stepping on his toes. ace
It made me feel even better when he said, "I'm not the kind of man that need to have my ego stroked. I can do that for myself."
I have never heard a man admit he needed his ego stroke, not to mention that he can do it himself. He can't be the only one on the planet. There has to be others.
When I was analyzing where I lacked in my relationship with my husband, I recognized that I was unable to consistently stroke his ego. It is just not who I am as a woman. My husband is insecure and unwilling to take responsibility for his own happiness. He constantly felt as though there was something I should have been doing to make him feel better about himself.
I'm waiting on David. I'm waiting on the man who is willing to give me what I need and able to accept what I can give.
I need someone less high maintenance and much more confident. I met such a man 27 years ago, but we didn't work out. I had the privilege of talking to him recently and it was so refreshing not to have to think about whether i was stepping on his toes. ace
It made me feel even better when he said, "I'm not the kind of man that need to have my ego stroked. I can do that for myself."
I have never heard a man admit he needed his ego stroke, not to mention that he can do it himself. He can't be the only one on the planet. There has to be others.
When I was analyzing where I lacked in my relationship with my husband, I recognized that I was unable to consistently stroke his ego. It is just not who I am as a woman. My husband is insecure and unwilling to take responsibility for his own happiness. He constantly felt as though there was something I should have been doing to make him feel better about himself.
I'm waiting on David. I'm waiting on the man who is willing to give me what I need and able to accept what I can give.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
The Same Only Different
"Love, the magician, knows this little trick whereby two people walk in different directions yet always remain side by side." Hugh Prather
I wish my husband could have gotten this quote. He was one of those people who demanded we have "things in common." Yes, having things in common is great and sometimes can make relationships easier, but not always.
I liked the fact we didn't talk a lot. I liked we had separate lives, but could come together and get things done when needed. He couldn't handle it. He believed in what TV and movies have told him about love and relationships.
He was heavily into romantic gestures and had expectations of me that were based on fallacies. I could never live up to the image he had projected upon me. Sure enough, the moment he perceived me to be "leaving him," he snapped.
In marriage, we are the same, only different. Our sames derives from the agreements we reach. The difference is who we naturally are, who God meant for us to be. Having someone accept you for who you are is most wonderfully rare. I had 80% acceptance in my marriage. Yes, he gave me up for the 20%. Some people never value much in their lives. He is one of them.
I wish my husband could have gotten this quote. He was one of those people who demanded we have "things in common." Yes, having things in common is great and sometimes can make relationships easier, but not always.
I liked the fact we didn't talk a lot. I liked we had separate lives, but could come together and get things done when needed. He couldn't handle it. He believed in what TV and movies have told him about love and relationships.
He was heavily into romantic gestures and had expectations of me that were based on fallacies. I could never live up to the image he had projected upon me. Sure enough, the moment he perceived me to be "leaving him," he snapped.
In marriage, we are the same, only different. Our sames derives from the agreements we reach. The difference is who we naturally are, who God meant for us to be. Having someone accept you for who you are is most wonderfully rare. I had 80% acceptance in my marriage. Yes, he gave me up for the 20%. Some people never value much in their lives. He is one of them.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wouldn't Change a Thing
My relationship with my husband has been a huge disappointment. The numbness I feel is almost unbearable at times. Knowing I will never get what I've needed from him has caused me to recognize I have never been loved by a man.
My father didn't love me, my brother didn't love me, and my son doesn't show me love, and my husband doesn't love me. I may live my whole life and never know how it feels to experience love from the male species.
With all that, I wouldn't change a thing. I have grown in every way imaginable and it has been because I have had to go into myself and deal with me, love me, protect me, and be there for me. Not having what I need has made me more determined to meet my own and I have learned to do that.
Maybe if I had had the love I think I deserve, I wouldn't have learned to love myself. Either way, I wouldn't change a thing.
My father didn't love me, my brother didn't love me, and my son doesn't show me love, and my husband doesn't love me. I may live my whole life and never know how it feels to experience love from the male species.
With all that, I wouldn't change a thing. I have grown in every way imaginable and it has been because I have had to go into myself and deal with me, love me, protect me, and be there for me. Not having what I need has made me more determined to meet my own and I have learned to do that.
Maybe if I had had the love I think I deserve, I wouldn't have learned to love myself. Either way, I wouldn't change a thing.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I Know How He Feels
Even though I was very sleepy, I watched Tyler Perry's interview yesterday. I had to. I needed to know why he chose the projects he has chosen and they all are parallel to what he experienced as a child.
I am the female version of him. One of many. My mother was the abuser in our home. She belittled me and like his father, felt you were only working if you were using your hands. When I was 15, she asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told her I wanted to be a writer and she went crazy yelling, "That's sitting down. That ain't work." I was devastated and for many of my dead years, (from birth to 26) I experienced a lot of writers block, although for some reason I was able to keep writing about my daily experiences. I have kept a journal since I was 15.
This saved my life. The other day I went to a training that was talking about kids who do not receive the proper care from their main caregivers. As the psychiatrist was talking about the subject, I had an true "Ah Hah" moment. I completely realized the extent of the neglect I experienced and was completely aware of. Being hypersensitive, I somehow always felt I didn't get the nurturing I needed past infancy. And if what I am told is true, she let me cry a lot. She didn't believe in holding children. What a throwback attitude from slavery. They separated us and it was hard for some of us to let go of the old slave survival ways.
I was neglected. I finally understood completely why I would always say to them, "Thanks for growing me up," because that is literally all they did. I no where near got the attention I deserved and most definitely no respect for who I was, or who I could be. Seeing him, and having the experience I had the day before has opened me up even more if that is possible.
Whereas he waited until his mother died before purging himself, I waited until my brother grew up enough to get from under my mother's apron. When he was in his 30's, he called me one day and told me they had fallen out. Almost immediately I began putting my autobiography together. It was published in 2003. Telling the Truth and Shaming the Devil is the name of the book. I had to write it. I had to take care of the little girl who was almost destroyed.
Girls just got it going on. The entire way we're made makes us so capable and I am no different. The psychiatrist said to me, "You were lucky. Your brain found a way to process what happened to you." And she is right. I have always been blessed with the ability to self-soothe. So, unlike most people who do not get the proper nurturing and seek everything but what they need, I knew I needed to be intimate. I knew I needed to learn to love and be loved.
Even with all the suffering I have endured, I am very proud of the woman I have become. I have had 18 months of professional therapy, but for the most part, I have healed myself. My eyes don't cry no more. I used to not be able to even think about the past abuse, or my parents without crying. Those tears have long dried up and I truly have forgiven them. I don't have much contact with my mother. She threatened to sue me when she read the book and literally cut my kids off. They are in shock because they no longer have the wonderful grandmother she portrayed herself to be, but as I have always known, as soon as something does not go her way, its on the highway and my kids are no different. Yet, she claims when I said in the book how distant and self-centered she was I am lying. She claims the cruelty she still displays is a lie. What she has successfully done is proven me right by her actions.
I can deal with the alienation. I know I can if the little girl I was could. She took beatings, floggings, pinching, verbal abuse, and neglect. She was strong and like Tyler Perry, I owe it to her to be successful and I have been. I have successfully stopped the cycle of abuse in my family. My children won't neglect theirs because they were loved with every inch of my being and they know it and proudly boast about it.
Tyler Perry needed to let that stuff out, otherwise he stood a great chance of losing all he has accomplished because like Oprah said and knows so well, all the money in the world can't fix you. It can't soothe the pain and it doesn't get you from one day to the next. He did exactly what he should. The striking similarity is when I approached my mother about the abuse, she laughed at and mocked me just a his father did him. Those type of people live to try to make their wrongs right. My theory is it is most the over opinionated and undereducated who have the most to say about what they don't know.
I am proud of Tyler.
I am the female version of him. One of many. My mother was the abuser in our home. She belittled me and like his father, felt you were only working if you were using your hands. When I was 15, she asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told her I wanted to be a writer and she went crazy yelling, "That's sitting down. That ain't work." I was devastated and for many of my dead years, (from birth to 26) I experienced a lot of writers block, although for some reason I was able to keep writing about my daily experiences. I have kept a journal since I was 15.
This saved my life. The other day I went to a training that was talking about kids who do not receive the proper care from their main caregivers. As the psychiatrist was talking about the subject, I had an true "Ah Hah" moment. I completely realized the extent of the neglect I experienced and was completely aware of. Being hypersensitive, I somehow always felt I didn't get the nurturing I needed past infancy. And if what I am told is true, she let me cry a lot. She didn't believe in holding children. What a throwback attitude from slavery. They separated us and it was hard for some of us to let go of the old slave survival ways.
I was neglected. I finally understood completely why I would always say to them, "Thanks for growing me up," because that is literally all they did. I no where near got the attention I deserved and most definitely no respect for who I was, or who I could be. Seeing him, and having the experience I had the day before has opened me up even more if that is possible.
Whereas he waited until his mother died before purging himself, I waited until my brother grew up enough to get from under my mother's apron. When he was in his 30's, he called me one day and told me they had fallen out. Almost immediately I began putting my autobiography together. It was published in 2003. Telling the Truth and Shaming the Devil is the name of the book. I had to write it. I had to take care of the little girl who was almost destroyed.
Girls just got it going on. The entire way we're made makes us so capable and I am no different. The psychiatrist said to me, "You were lucky. Your brain found a way to process what happened to you." And she is right. I have always been blessed with the ability to self-soothe. So, unlike most people who do not get the proper nurturing and seek everything but what they need, I knew I needed to be intimate. I knew I needed to learn to love and be loved.
Even with all the suffering I have endured, I am very proud of the woman I have become. I have had 18 months of professional therapy, but for the most part, I have healed myself. My eyes don't cry no more. I used to not be able to even think about the past abuse, or my parents without crying. Those tears have long dried up and I truly have forgiven them. I don't have much contact with my mother. She threatened to sue me when she read the book and literally cut my kids off. They are in shock because they no longer have the wonderful grandmother she portrayed herself to be, but as I have always known, as soon as something does not go her way, its on the highway and my kids are no different. Yet, she claims when I said in the book how distant and self-centered she was I am lying. She claims the cruelty she still displays is a lie. What she has successfully done is proven me right by her actions.
I can deal with the alienation. I know I can if the little girl I was could. She took beatings, floggings, pinching, verbal abuse, and neglect. She was strong and like Tyler Perry, I owe it to her to be successful and I have been. I have successfully stopped the cycle of abuse in my family. My children won't neglect theirs because they were loved with every inch of my being and they know it and proudly boast about it.
Tyler Perry needed to let that stuff out, otherwise he stood a great chance of losing all he has accomplished because like Oprah said and knows so well, all the money in the world can't fix you. It can't soothe the pain and it doesn't get you from one day to the next. He did exactly what he should. The striking similarity is when I approached my mother about the abuse, she laughed at and mocked me just a his father did him. Those type of people live to try to make their wrongs right. My theory is it is most the over opinionated and undereducated who have the most to say about what they don't know.
I am proud of Tyler.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Acceptance 3
Wow, I could write on the subject of acceptance all day long. I really do people have such a hard time in life because they refuse to accept what is often right before their eyes. So often people are looking for someone else to save them, or to help them in some way, when in actuality we all have what we need to get what we want out of this life.
Many people are afraid to live. They create fantasy worlds, or retreat to watching TV while others live their lives. Some feel they cannot accomplish, or do not know how to get things done. So many of us have little faith in our capabilities. We let others do and sit back and say, "I wish I could."
You can. All you have to do is accept what you want may take hard work. It may take a long time, but it is doable. We must accept certain aspects of our lives before we can change them. Not accepting a circumstance, or situation we cannot control will only cause us more grief and dysfunction. With a little acceptance, you can go a long way.
Many people are afraid to live. They create fantasy worlds, or retreat to watching TV while others live their lives. Some feel they cannot accomplish, or do not know how to get things done. So many of us have little faith in our capabilities. We let others do and sit back and say, "I wish I could."
You can. All you have to do is accept what you want may take hard work. It may take a long time, but it is doable. We must accept certain aspects of our lives before we can change them. Not accepting a circumstance, or situation we cannot control will only cause us more grief and dysfunction. With a little acceptance, you can go a long way.
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