God's Will Be Done

He turned 53 today. God is amazing.

When you look at his life the last five years, you wonder how a person could endure so much. My heart goes out to him, yet I do not want to spend any time with him. I now fully understand why things happened the way they did. God knew I needed to be prepared to handle the inevitable. I was so involved in my relationship with him. I was wanting was badly for us to work. I was trying to force my will. God knew best.

I will always love him, but I will never love him again. I truly wish him well and want only the best for him. If it is what he wants, I hope he does love again. He is someone who needs the opportunity to learn to love.

I believe in love. I believe in marriage.

What Can Marriage Do For You?

What can marriage do for you?
Well, I am so glad  you asked. Marriage is a character reveler and/or builder. I know I would not be the woman I am today had I not married the man I did. Our union tested ever belief, conviction and thought I had about what marriage was about.

I learned humility, compassion, self-love, and my self-esteem grew during my marriage. I learned to be quiet and that I should pick my battles and that love, true love does not hurt.

Marriage can help you decided what kind of life you want to live, how you want your children to be reared and whether or not you are the person you say you want to be.

My marriage consistently challenged me to look at myself in every situation and decided if I was being who I really wanted to be. Marriage gave me permission to explore my sensuality and unleash my sexuality.

Marriage challenges your ego to surrender for the sake of another. It gives your heart the needed exercise when you focus on an other's happiness. Marriage gives you someone for you. That partner who says, "I want to see you smile. What can I do to make you smile today?"

If you have someone in your life willing to let you be you and love you anyway, you need to kiss the very ground they walk on cause you have found a good thing.

Marriage is for those ready to grow, give, live and love.

Back on the Grind

Losing my marriage privileges really threw me for a loop. I only wrote 37, now 38 post this entire year. I just felt melancholy and I allowed myself to go with it instead of trying to forget, or to stop myself from missing what I have lost.

I must say doing so has purged me of many of the feelings I was having surrounding accepting I will have to find another at some point or time. You really do get comfortable with a person after 27 years and the thought of being with another man didn't seem appealing for a long time.

I am back on the grind for marriage. I learned a lot in 27 years about relationships and dealing with the opposite sex. I hope to be helpful and inspired in the upcoming year. I was down for a while, but never out.

Peace, love and soul,

Martyr for Marriage

Doing A Lot of Thinking

Since my marriage is no longer active, I have noticed a trend in my thinking. I miss the functions of a family unit. Being married for 27 years and taking care of my family meant a lot to me. Even though I have accepted my estranged husband and I are not suited to live together as man and wife, I miss the sense of belonging that one gets when the family unit is in tact.

My kids and I are happier in many ways, but there is still something missing for me. I know it is not him. All I have to do is be in his presence and I know it is not him. It is about being a family with all it members. My daughter told me just the other day how glad she was that I maintained the family unit as long as I did because it allowed her to really get to know her father on her own.

I must admit it is a beautiful thing not to have to talk about him, or explain who he was or even think about how the kids are feeling about him not being around. Because they know what they are and are not missing; I get the opportunity to just be mom. I do not feel like I am both parents even though I am the primary caretaker. They each have their own relationship with him that was developed over years. It is a beautiful thing.

They don't even care why we are no longer together. My 16 year still doesn't know. All I told her was he wasn't coming back and that it had nothing to do with her. That was over a year ago and she has not questioned me at all.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to do your best to take care of your children. It really does pay off in the end.

How Sharazad Ali Saved My Marriage

I was once again blessed and favored to have read, understood and participate in media appearances supporting the book, "The Black man's Guide to Understanding the Black woman."

This book saved my marriage from the beginning. I was greatly convicted by many of the pages in the book because either I saw myself, or someone I knew. I couldn't lie to myself and refused to even try. She was on point, on too many points not to be credible. She is 100% right when she says she the black woman has gotten a pass in this country. We have been made to think we can do bad all by ourselves and it sounds good, but our bad is the worse it can be as evidence by the quality of children we have turned out.

My marriage was not at all ideal, but it was real. We both thought we were right, especially in how we conducted ourselves in front of our children. Her books helped me to work on running my mouth, sitting on my fat ass worrying about what he was doing and who he was with; when I should have been up cleaning my house, cooking a decent meal, helping my daughter with her homework, or being the writer I claimed to be.

Her books put a stop to the mothering and coddling I was well on my way into. They helped me to continue to look for the good in him, to have compassion for him, to love him on a more deeper level. Her books made know I was right when I believed that the black woman is not supportive and understanding enough when it comes to the black man. We don't give him enough space to be him. We insist he changes while we try to act like our shit don't stink, but it does and our children, the ones we are rearing while we are doing bad all by ourselves.

I left all that behind and took every moment of my union to my husband to be aware of what we were going through and accept it is what we were creating for the glory of God. I knew my marriage was a covenant and her books helped me keep it that way.

It was Ms. Ali, not my mother who showed me what a real black woman looks like. My mother and father were married until he died. She never had an ounce of respect for him and did allow us to because she talked badly about him to us. The majority of our contact was with her, so of course she was God to us. As I began to formulate my beliefs about relationships they grew further and further from how I was reared. I knew something was sick about the way they lived. Thank God for the gift of discernment.

When I read Ms. Ali's books, the Warrior Wife in me was born and I made immediate alterations in my way of thinking. It was hard to watch my husband fumble with diapers, and make messes, and put on backwards, etc. I only knew because I was a mother at 17. He was running the streets. Her books helped me let him learn on his own. He deserved to have an authentic relationship with my son, just as I did.

I will not lie, my soul is full right now. I thank God I listened and learned. Now that my family is in distress, we all are handling it well because we have always been thoughtful of our children and did not unnecessarily burden them with our relationship and we learned early to put our relationship first. My kids know their parent love each other. The one thing they hate the most is they could never get us to go against each other when it came to them. If one said no, whether the other agreed or not, the other stood by them.

Thank you Sharazad Ali, but unfortunately 25 years later, black woman are worse than they were when you wrote the book in 1989. God help us!

I Had to Hear His Voice

I was feeling badly after listening to a song my husband and I used to slow dance to. It made me sad to think about the lose of his leg. It also made me feel worse to know I would never be in his arms again.

I wrote about my feelings on Facebook and he replied, "I will dance again."
I wrote: "I believe. Sadly it won't be with me."

It is so sad. I am left with all these feelings and emotions. I have to work on not forgetting it is really over. I could not go back if I wanted to. There is nothing left for me, but work and I have done that. Still, I had to hear his voice. I had nothing I wanted to say to him. I just wanted to hear the tone of his voice. It always soothed me.

He was surprised I really didn't have anything to say. He caught himself complaining a few times and stopped, which I thought was really interesting. Still, I said nothing. I called with that purpose twice this weekend. I will not call again because I could tell he wants to come back and I don't want him back. I want him to stay far away from me. I will not allow myself to be hurt by him again.

I do believe God is going to continue to shelter me and guide me in the right direction. There is nothing for me in his life except to take care of him now that he has loss use of his hands. He says he is embarrassed. So was I when he humiliated me in front of all those people. I am sure he has not given it a second thought. I will stay away from him so I won't have to remind him.

The next time I feel like I have to hear his voice; I'll just do without.

My Savior

My oldest daughter is 32 years old today. She is so wonderful and kind to me. I am always amazed how much she has grown into a strong, positive, self-assured female.

We have become friends which is interesting considering I've always fought against it. I firmly believe the lines should not be blurred between parents and their children is at all possible, yet I do consider her a friend, as much as she considers me one.

We have been through a lot together. I had her when I was 17. I had a lot of growing up to do and she witnessed it all, if not facilitated much of it. I had to grow so I would be able to be the best mother possible.

Today she told me I was her friend, and that she has grown to respect me greatly. She compliments often on my parenting skills as she comes in contact with more and more people. I am so blessed.

It could have all been so different. I was married for 26 years to a man she hated, but my desire to be open and honest served me well. My kids are minimally dysfunctional because when dysfunction occurred, instead of ignoring it, I tackled to problem head on, thus busting any secrecy that could have caused sickness in the family unit.

We survived, she and I. Now all I desire is for her to discover life and live it.

I love you girl, you're the one!

It's Complicated

I am a very complex person. I think a lot. God has tempered me greatly. Now, I can recognize when I'm being too complicated and make adjustments. I like using my mind, thinking and analyzing.

I have been enjoying being alone these past five months. Not having my husband around has given me the time I need to really think about what I want and how to get it. More and more I find myself glad that I made the right choice for me. I didn't even consider how the decision to leave him would effect my children. They are old enough to have their own relationship with him, whether he is in the home or not. And that is exactly what they are doing.

God is getting all the glory. I could not have left him on my own. I felt such an obligation to be "the one" to take care of him. Little did I realize how much he really wants to be away from me. I held him to too high a standard. He was not ready to deal with what I was really offering. He held on because the getting was good. I made life really easy for him.

As complicated as it is, it is really this simple. Self-love is the greatest love of him. I left my husband for me and we are having a great time.

Living in God's Will

It has become old hat, living within God's will and because of it, each day I am more and more blessed. I have completely let go of my husband and he is doing just fine without me. He needed help, but not necessarily from me. He was unable to appreciate what I did for him, maybe he will be more grateful for his home nurse.

It is still sort of hard for me to believe that he could not accept the love and caring I was willing to continue to provide for him. Yet, I fully understand why. He is a lost soul crashing his way through life without a clue. His selfishness and inability to empathize with others allows him to be dismissive and cruel. He is alone and should be happy. He did all he could to push his family away.

Living in God's will has freed me completely from all the pain and strife I experienced while trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. I accept my role in the loss of my marriage. I gave too much, too long and for the wrong reasons. I was trying desperately to get something from a man who tried and succeeded in not giving it.

When we first met, he told me, "If a bitch thinks I'll fall in love with her she's crazy. I don't love no woman but my momma."

I clearly remember the surge of anger that when through me when he made that proclamation. I responded. "Well, you are in the wrong house, because I am love."

What I should have said is , "You need to leave now because I'll spend 26 years trying to make you love me."

That is what happened. I spent a helluva lot of time not receiving what I needed. Now, I know God wants me to have something real and I have woken up just in time. I have at least another 30 years to be loved by someone who is capable of doing it. I will wait because I am living within God's will.

Still

Even though I am powerfully happy about the separation, I still miss loving my husband. As I watch my kids walk through the house talking to him, I so desperately want to say hello, but I do not because it is done for us. No extension of kindness will make him be the man he should be.

I have learned that all you can do is your part. As the song states, "I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't."

Still, I love him purely and wish him. But I am moving on and it feels great!

My Future

I do know I plan to start a new career selling supplemental insurance. I also plan to go back to school and become a Marriage and Family Therapist.

That takes care of my working life, but I am concerned about my love life. 50 years old is not a good age to be looking for love, but what else can I do?

God has put it on my heart that is time for me to let go of the past and move forward. I know he knows I cannot do it without love.

I don't care what you say I won't stay in a world without love.

Can You Love Anyone?

I do believe you can love anyone if you are willing. Yes, there are people who are more suited for you than others, but that does not mean you cannot love someone because the stars are not aligned.

Love is open to interpretation. We all perceive love differently for different reasons. I have never truly been loved. My husband had all kinds of conditions when it came to loving me. I had to be in a certain mood. He had to feel a certain way. He really believed he could love me one day and hate me the next. He had no idea about what love really is.

He and I were not compatible in many ways, but we bonded deeply on many levels. We learned to allow each other to be themselves. I was able to do this more than he becausehe had not forgiven me for the wrong I did to him. He is still carrying it to this day and it is sad. His holding on to the past is what allows him to keep himself from accepting that others have changed.

I do believe you can love anyone. You have to really want to and to be ready to receive when the love comes back.

No Way

I always knew when I made up my mind it was over between my husband and I that it would really be over and there would be no looking back. This is why I stayed until I couldn't stand anymore.

God guided me through the entire 26 years. We were never what others would consider compatible, it truly was a spiritual thing. God had something power He wanted to do in my life and I do believe no other person could have brought me to this place, as my estranged husband did.

He challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. He helped me grow into the woman I am today, but most importantly, he helped me learn how to love unconditionally, because that is the only way anyone could ever love him. He has to be the most difficult person to love I have ever met.

There is no way I would ever go back to him. As long as he is alive, I will respect him as the father of my children, but I will never be a wife or lover to him again. He does not get to feel my warmth and loving ways, ever again. He gave it all up for a fit of anger and irrational behavior. 26 years gone, because still, at 50 years old he has no self-control.

That is not my problem. I need to be with someone who is receptive to love and not afraid of it.

Why I Have No Regrets

My husband has had what they are calling a "seizure." He is currently out of town in a hospital. The best thing about it is he has family where he is and hopefully feels supported.

I am not going to his side. I have no regrets about his decision. I gave all I had to give and I refuse to allow myself to be abused by him in any way, at any time, for any reason. His sister said he was being, "defiant," so I know what that means, he is being mean and irrational. I have been there done that.

I no longer want to stand up to the devil. I've done it too long. The battle was never mine and now that I have completely released my husband to God's will, I feel no need to watch him die. That's just not my thing. I had to put a stop to the madness or he was going to destroy me. He could not forgive me as I had forgiven him. You can't live with a person who is unforgiving. Nothing you do is never enough.

I do not regret not going to his side. I called the chaplain and asked them to tell him I loved him and I wish him well and that I would send the kids if he wanted me to, but I am not coming. I will not allow this man to ever hurt me in any way again, ever. Plain and simple.

The Ever Changing Role of Life

Life is fluid. Whether our minds change or not, we do. Until we accept we are not meant to stay stagnated, that we are born to grow and win at life; we will never find the serenity and peace that is awaiting our acceptance.

I accept the ever changing role of life.

Thankful for My Strength

I must admit the thing I am amazed at most is the fact I have truly let go of my relationship with my husband. He was messing up our marriage and there was no need for that, especially since it was obvious he didn't really want to participate in the first place.

We have suffered so long throughout the years in our marriage. Now, at the end, what would be the point? I get it that he doesn't get it, or even want it. He wants to be single and he is. The legality of our marriage never stopped him from acting unmarried. It does not matter at this point what he does or does not do because I am gone. I am out of his life.

If he wants to be miserable, he'll have to do it by myself. I've been there and done that way too much long. I want to feel joyous more than anxious. I want to live and love freely, not feel like someone is expecting me to be more than I want to be.

I am strong and capable of making choices that are in my best interest. My husband and I had our time and now it is time to do something else. I am strong enough to face whatever and I will until the day I die.

Never Say Never

Even though I am willing to see what interracial dating is all about, I still do not believe in it. I am to the point where it doesn't matter anymore. I just want someone who is going to love me and if that happens to be a white man, so be it. I need to be in a loving relationship. That is who I am and how I want to be.

I refuse to settle for less. I a moving forward and I will be loved.

It Hurts No Matter How Strong You Are

I couldn't begin to tell you how hard I have worked on my marriage. For it to end the way it has is not only a tragedy, but it is most unfortunate. I was so ready to go the distance and now I find myself having to consider spending time with another man.

I am proud of myself for they way I have handled the situation. I knew when I took the steps I took, there would be no going back. Whether we divorce or not, my husband and I will never be together again. It hurts too much to be around him and see all the ugliness and sin the bliss of love had blinded me from. I don't like looking at in with real eyes. I was happy to be under the delusion that someday he would live up to his potential. Now that it is obvious I am 100% wrong, I cannot handle being in his presence.

He will never be the type of man I need in my life. Looking back over the 26 years hindsight has revealed the truth. He is not a man and does not want the responsibility of being one. He is a leaner, a con artist, character flawed and extremely needy. I could not consider reconciliation without him receiving professional help. Even then, it would be hard to go back.

Yes, i am a strong woman. I have a lot going for me. I am very smart and intelligent and I am proof that it is so true, you can't help who you love.

They Know They are Loved

Even though their father and I are not together, he is still very active in their lives. He wants them around and does what he can for them. They know they are loved.

One of the many reasons I have stayed in the relationship is because he genuinely cares about his children and has always been willing to really be involved in their lives. My heart if grateful for this.

My youngest doesn't need as much as he would like to give and that bothers him. He still wants her to be a little girl and she is becoming a young woman. I encourage her to accept his love on whatever level he is able to give it. No matter what he is her father.

Because our parenting styles are so different, the kids prefer my methods more because I am not an authoritarian. I talk to them and try to get them to do what is in their best interest. Whereas, my husband tends to be dictatorial and obsessive. They say he drives them crazy. For me the most important words are "drives them." There is value in his method because he is actually trying to get them to do what they need to do.

As long as they know they are loved, I am happy.

God Loves Me

It is the little things that make up our lives. Those little moments. The tiny kindnesses. The extension of friendship and caring.

God lets me know He loves me in so many ways. The following example may seem simple and small to you, but it has opened me up even more to the glory of God.

I have a wonderful friend who I think highly of. We are like minded in many ways, the most important, we both know how to use our brains.

For a year now, I have been saying I wanted the new Sprint EVO 4G phone. Every time I saw it on TV or someone with it, I would say, "I'm getting that phone."

It cost over $400, but I sincerely felt I would have one soon. Well, my dear friend was out shopping and she found one for an extremely reasonable price. When she called to tell me she found a phone, I was thankful and ready to accept whatever she brought. When I saw it was the exact phone I wanted, I immediately said to her, "God loves me."

God love us all. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to have the things we desire. No matter how hard my life gets I fall back on my deep faith in God. He has cradled and carried me all my life. I am grateful for the friends I do have. They continuously show me the face of God.