You Just Had to Have It

So often, may it be people or things, we feel like we have to have it/them. Then, when we get what we think we want, we have the nerve to be upset when it is not what we wanted it to be. This happens a lot in relationships. We don't pay attention to the signs, then when we are totally involved, we're looking to get what we thought we would, only to find what we thought is not matching up with what is.

Our level of expectation should be more realistic from the beginning. We need to ask more questions up front. Pay attention to what is being said during conversations and accept what we hear to be true, whether we want to believe it or not. Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it. If you do get what you claimed you wanted then you should be willing to deal with what you asked for, whether it comes exactly like you wanted it or not.

If you just had to have it, then you should be willing to accept what comes along with it/them.

Wouldn't Change a Thing

My relationship with my husband has been a huge disappointment. The numbness I feel is almost unbearable at times. Knowing I will never get what I've needed from him has caused me to recognize I have never been loved by a man.

My father didn't love me, my brother didn't love me, and my son doesn't show me love, and my husband doesn't love me. I may live my whole life and never know how it feels to experience love from the male species.

With all that, I wouldn't change a thing. I have grown in every way imaginable and it has been because I have had to go into myself and deal with me, love me, protect me, and be there for me. Not having what I need has made me more determined to meet my own and I have learned to do that.

Maybe if I had had the love I think I deserve, I wouldn't have learned to love myself. Either way, I wouldn't change a thing.

He Don't Like Women

When men don't like women, they are usually afraid of them. They don't understand the females, thus they are disparaging and condescending.

Ask yourself:

1. Does he believe woman was born to serve and service man?
2. Does he "own" her?
3. Is he born to give her orders?
4. Is she supposed to obey him?
5. Is woman innately dumb? Without opinions worth listening to.
6. What are his attitudes about shared responsibilities, about decision making, household and child-rearing chores, job-holding and how the money is used?
7. if dinner isn't on the table at 6:02, will he help or hit?
8. How secure is he? Is he so insecure that he's go to devalue his mate in order to inflate his ego?
9. Does he make a show of being supersecure, taking command of situations and people? The woman in his life--does she feel that as long as she's nearly perfect, everything will be all right? What will happen if she's herself? What is he like when he's angry? When he hears a differing viewpoint?
10. What is know about violence in his family? Ask, are you afraid too?

Many women do not know their husbands family history. He may not be willing to tell you that his dad beat his mom every night. Women need to know that no one has the right to abuse another person. Everyone has the right to develop into the person they are meant to be, to make changes and decisions about their own lives. We all have the right to our own thoughts and feelings and to learn new ways of thinking and behaving.

If you are in a bad situation, know this:

1. I do not cause another person's violent behavior.
2. I do not like or want to be beaten.
3. I do not have to take it.
4. I am an important human being.
5. I deserve to be treated with respect.
6. I do have power over my own life.
7. I can use my power to take good care of myself.
8. I can decide what is best for me.
9. I can make changes in my life if I want to.
10. I am not alone; I can ask others for help.
11. I am worth working for and changing for.
12. I deserve a safe and healthy life.
13. I have the right to live in the safety and calm of a violence free home
14. I have the right to personal happiness without interference.I have the right to live in my own house without being molested or injured.

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BCS-Basic Communication Skills-2

Perception Checking

A second basic skill for understanding the other person is checking with him to make sure that you understand his feelings. This skill complements paraphrasing in that it focuses on the affective aspects of the message rather than ideas. To check you perception of the other's feelings, you describe what you perceive to be his feelings. This description should tentatively identify the other's feelings without expressing approval or disapproval of the feelings and without attempting to interpret or explain the causes of the feelings. Checking the feelings of another conveys this message: "This is how I understand your feelings. Am I accurate?

Understanding the feelings of others is a difficult task. Emotional states express themselves simultaneously in words and in nonverbal behavior such as body movements and physiological changes. Quite often the nonverbal cues are the only accurate source of information available for understanding the other's feelings. Instead of resting your fist inference about the meaning of these ambiguous cues' perception-checking allow you to verify your assumptions about the emotions the other person is experiencing. An additional benefit of perception-checking is that it conveys the idea that you want to understand the other as a person. Thus it has potential for improving interpersonal relations as well as increasing clarity of communication.

My Own Stuff

My attempts to rectify some of the wrongs I carried out in my marriage failed. I've spent the last seven years trying to turn around some behaviors that ruined my relationship with my husband.



He was not willing, or able to forgive me, so he set out to hurt me and make me pay. He succeeded in successfully hurting me and making it impossible for me to believe in us ever having anything meaningful together outside our lives as parents.



My own stuff helped ruin my marriage. My own insecurities, inadequacies, ignorance, lack of humility, inability to love and to be loved. I held on to these things for way too long. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens just as it should, I can't help but think about how things could have turned out had I been more relationship worthy.

There are many reasons why I was the way I was, none of which make any difference at this point. I did my best and I am actually proud of the progress I've made, but it is too late for our marriage to survive in any real way. The damage has been done. Thankfully, we are both mature enough to live together and raise our daughter. We both feel strongly our kids should be reared in a two parent home.

My own stuff kept me from being able to get what I needed out of my relationship. His stuff is keeping him from respecting the honest effort I have made. It is what it is.

People Who Need People

We all need each other.

Needs

We all have needs. We all need to learn to meet as many of them as we possibly can if we want to be happy.

No one can love you like you can love yourself. Give yourself a chance. Meet your own needs whenever possible.