Gone, but Not Forgotten

The man who I have written about in this blog, who also taught me how to love, died August 12th, 2014. Death did us part.

For Real? For Real?

A person who does not know how to love and cannot accept love that is given to them is most often driven to self-destruction, because they respond to no other's needs, but their own. There is never a true way to know how far a person will go with this behavior. It is frustrating to know that so many display it within the union of marriage.

The nature of self is designed for preservation. When our basic needs are not met at the appropriate age and time, there is a great possibility we may become anti-social, a sociopath, or psychotic; it just truly deepens on what lies at the base of the soul. Once again, we must examine the nature of intention.

Are you for real, for real? Are or you a carbon copy of the model you saw in a book,? Or a brother you saw on a bike? Are you allowing others to re-dictate your destiny that has already been laid out for you? What is going on at that base of your soul?

I tell you what. We all need to do some deep fishing of our souls and see what we need to catch that is swimming around at that base of us poisoning our ability to honestly share who we are authentically, in a positive way.

My estranged husband has been a wonderful blessing to my life in an absolutely horrible way. I thank my greatest support, The Creator of ALL, for giving me strength, the knowledge, the PATIENCE, the sense of humor, the willingness and capability to ride the rough rail.

When I tell you it was horrible at times, I mean still to this day, but I am free of the bongdage of my mind. Free from the belief that I somehow was obligated to "make him see him."

Oh, dear friend, I paid my dues and now, today? I get to be the woman God intended me to be because I did not abandoned the duty. I stayed on post, still on post, but from the bird's eye view. I get to watch over the empire of love I have built here in my little house. I get to see my son develop into a man of personal integrity and character. My daughter has come to recognize the "truth about dad."
I have not to say a word. Just remain for real, for real.

Moving in the Right Direction

Hindsight truly is 20/20. Being out of my marriage for going on two years has opened my eyes to the reality that we really can lie to ourselves for a long time. I also came to terms with what God was trying to do in my life.

I was in a relationship of my creation. I got out of it what I wanted and a lot of what I didn't want. By the grace of God I survived the whole ordeal, only to have feelings of guilt and despair once it was all over. I didn't want to let go.

I began moving in the right direction once I rid my home of my husband. I had to continue in the direction by removing myself from his life. Due to the fact that we have not family here, and we are still married. When there is an emergency, they call me. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is him calling me whenever he needs me. He only calls me when he wants something from me, but let me need him? Well, need I say more.

Now that I am unemployed, one would think he would offer to help with at least our daughter, but he has not offered any assistance at all. Yet, he continues to call me whenever he wants and whatever time he wants and actually expects me to stop what I am doing to be there for him.

Well, I have stopped doing things for him, period. He hasn't taken the hint as he continues to call me to try to get me involved in his life, but I know I must keep moving in the right direction.

I was relieved of my duties as his wife. They are tasks I should have never taken on. I was given a second chance to find true love and happiness and I will not allow myself to be distracted by anyone.

God's Will Be Done

He turned 53 today. God is amazing.

When you look at his life the last five years, you wonder how a person could endure so much. My heart goes out to him, yet I do not want to spend any time with him. I now fully understand why things happened the way they did. God knew I needed to be prepared to handle the inevitable. I was so involved in my relationship with him. I was wanting was badly for us to work. I was trying to force my will. God knew best.

I will always love him, but I will never love him again. I truly wish him well and want only the best for him. If it is what he wants, I hope he does love again. He is someone who needs the opportunity to learn to love.

I believe in love. I believe in marriage.

What Can Marriage Do For You?

What can marriage do for you?
Well, I am so glad  you asked. Marriage is a character reveler and/or builder. I know I would not be the woman I am today had I not married the man I did. Our union tested ever belief, conviction and thought I had about what marriage was about.

I learned humility, compassion, self-love, and my self-esteem grew during my marriage. I learned to be quiet and that I should pick my battles and that love, true love does not hurt.

Marriage can help you decided what kind of life you want to live, how you want your children to be reared and whether or not you are the person you say you want to be.

My marriage consistently challenged me to look at myself in every situation and decided if I was being who I really wanted to be. Marriage gave me permission to explore my sensuality and unleash my sexuality.

Marriage challenges your ego to surrender for the sake of another. It gives your heart the needed exercise when you focus on an other's happiness. Marriage gives you someone for you. That partner who says, "I want to see you smile. What can I do to make you smile today?"

If you have someone in your life willing to let you be you and love you anyway, you need to kiss the very ground they walk on cause you have found a good thing.

Marriage is for those ready to grow, give, live and love.

No Need to Explain

I have no true need to explain why I stayed with my husband as long as I did. I will say I am glad I did and the reasons are so many until I probably could write about them for a lifetime.

I grew in my marriage. I was blessed enough to recognize and take advantage of the opportunity to be a better person than I was before I entered the union. My husband stretched every fiber in my being. He was demanding, belittling, disrespectful and unavailable, yet he actually made efforts to be the opposite of all those things throughout our time together.

I learned I could love a difficult personality. I learned I could allow a person to be who the are and not expect anything from them. I learned how to fully invest in another for their own gain and happiness. I learned how to keep my mouth shut and choose my battles. I learned how cook healthier meals, I learned how to care for a diabetic, renal patient with high blood pressure. I learned what makes me a good wife and mother. I learned how to be grateful for what I have. I learned humility and compassion which were two of the greatest gifts.

I do not need to explain why I stayed in what looked like a toxic environment. As it turned out, it was what I needed to grow and I accept whatever implications go along with that fact. The most important thing is I am a whole person full of love and awareness ready for whatever God has in store for the rest of this journey.

I Don't Recognize Her

I barely recognize the woman I was when I was active in my marriage. The best I can describe it is to compare myself to Adam Sandler's character in the movie "Click."

I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.

It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.

I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.

This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.

Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.