How To Take Control of Your Life

"We are not able to use our emotions to guide us in making the necessary and important choices in our life." Robin Norwood Women Who Love Too Much.

Recognizing that most of my problems stemmed from my inability to regulate and control my emotions has been the best thing I've done for myself as a wife, mother, friend, employee, but most of all a woman.

Most women are not in tune with what they are really in tune with. This is why so many of us seem hysterical and out of control. We go with feelings, that had we took a second to filter, we would not go there. Yet, time and time again we fail to recognize the power our feelings and emotions have over our ability to make proper choices.

One of the biggest problems is people tend to believe that what they feel and believe is real. They don't pay attention to how often they change their minds, or how their feelings change rapidly. So many folk believe it is okay to live the disjointed lives that develop from a lack of self-control.

To take control of you life, you must monitor your feelings and emotions, learn to pick your battles, and provide yourself with the proper self-care when needed. Our lives are out of control because we are out of control. Not because someone else is doing or not doing something. It is your life, therefore, your responsibility to monitor and maintain it.

You become in control when you accept full responsibility for how you feel at any given moment. You are in control when you stop blaming others for your shortcomings and disappointments. Take control of your life, by taking control of you.

It Sounds Good

It sounds good when I say, I believe in the institution of marriage and I am staying because I believe my marriage is God ordained and to leave it right now, would not be what God wants.

It sounds good, but is very hard to live. Especially when you realize that just because you understand the big picture, you still have to live the day-to-day and be human at the same time. If I wanted to deny my humanness, I guess I could take up my cross and not mention the pain, but being human, I have to say ouch when it hurts and I'm hurting right now.

As I watch my husband's health fail, as I watch him help it fail, it is a constant reminder that he will never be a better husband to me. I fully get that what I see is what I get and that making the best out of it is about all I can expect. It is very painful to accept this.

What makes the pain almost unbearable is the fact I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I can't imagine ever dating, or wanting to marry again. With all my belief in marriage, this bad one has most definitely made me feel I would not do it again with someone else.

Now that I have accepted I will not have the husband I deserve through the man I'm married to, I question is this a marriage?

Of course it is. It's not a real good marriage, but it is a marriage nonetheless. Marriage is much more than the relationship between the two people. Marriage is more about maintaining and managing the shared incomes, children, household etc. I would say the relationship is about 20% of what marriage is really about. The other 80% is about all the other stuff which people tend to get done, but do not take the time to work on the 20%. This is why folk can be married for 50 years and get a divorce. As soon as they are faced with the 20%, the marriage is over.

For us, we do the 80% fine, it is when we try to deal with the 20% that problems arise. We've done some great things in our union. The fact we've been together for 25 years and not killed each other is amazing. We actually have done some very important things right and this is why we've stayed together so long. I will talk about them in another blog.

Transitioning

A made up mind makes things happen. The plan I made for my life is being played out continuously. What is so amazing is how closely I have stayed on course. I made the decision to make my children the most important aspects of my life. That meant I delayed going to college when I got pregnant with my first daughter.

I could barely stand it, so I went to junior college when she turned one. I could not leave her with anyone until then and then she only stayed with her dad. When I left East St. Louis, it was to go to college, but I had to get a job and I did not attend. It wasn't until I had my second child, 12 years later that I went back to school.

I eventually got my bachelors degree, but decided to wait until my now 14 year old got older before I went back to get my masters and PhD. I have decided now is the time. I made a conscious decision that being home for my children and fully available was most important to me. When I look at my oldest two, I can't help but take a lot of credit for how they have turned out. Even though I know I have had very little to do with the choices they have made as adults, I now I did provide the proper guidance that has given them the ability to make choices.

My youngest is truly getting the best of me because all my little mental defects are well under control. She is subjected less and less to any neurosis I have or may have because I know who I am for sure at this point in my life. With the others, I was still figuring out some major aspects of me.

Now, it is time for me to transition into another career. I want to write full-time on a freelance basis. I will continue to publish books, but I do want to write for others, help others write their works, edit books, articles, etc., and develop new talent. I am transitioning and it feel so right. My kids don't need me anymore. I feel certain they have what they need to make it in the world. Now it is my time.

Can't Help It

With my husband being so sick, I can't help but thinking about the fact I very well may be a young widow. He is only fifty and I will be 49 next month. With this strong possibility looming over my head, I have given thought to whether I could be in another long-term relationship.

I think not. I don't want it. Many men are too needy and everybody is looking for something and dare I say, I have paid my dues. My biggest problem with men is that they are so fragile. Especially when they are in love. I learned a long time ago that a man is hard when he's soft, and soft when he's hard. There are women who spend their lives trying to keep men hard so they can appeal to his soft side. I'm a iron sharpens, iron chick. I cannot submit to ego buffering. This has been a major problem in my present relationship.

At first I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea. Then as I began to study patterns, read more books written by men about men, and generally pay attention; I found that he expected me to let him be wrong, lie, cheat, steal, etc. just because he was the male in the relationship. Or he expected me to let him do something he clearly was not capable of, just because his ego couldn't stand to see me do it. Anyway!

I am a grown ass woman, educated and free. I don't think so. Still, there is a great part of me that likes to have a man around. I know I will miss his presence the most when the time comes. Will I be able to fill that void with something other than another man? I can't help it, I have to wonder. My husband has no idea about how I feel. He is so self-centered and closed off because he really doesn't understand why he is sick. He really has truly connected the dots, so he can't help but feel wronged in some way. He doesn't think about how his feelings about his situation has affected others.

Then there is the whole age range thing. These young guys most definitely aren't ready for me, unless they are in academia, then they probably won't be into the other things I like to do. I can't help it, I wonder about these things. I most definitely will not deal with someone older than 55, even if I am older than 55. He has to be willing to eat healthy and exercise, no exceptions. I am living what can happen when you don't. It doesn't get any worse than to watch someone breath begin snatched away from them. I won't do it again.

I am so glad I live in the present. I don't wonder about these things much. It usually happens when he is really bad like he is now, when I can the life living his eyes. These are the times I can't help it.

Raising Babies

I am almost done rearing my last child. She is a delight, but I am so tired of being a mother. I started too early. I was way too serious too young and now that I am almost 50, I'm ready to play.

I am ready to explore who I am without the day-to-day dealing with children who I am responsible for. I am ready to play.

I don't even know what play would look like on me. The things I consider fun have very little to do with others, but I feel drawn to another way of life. Something less structured and restrictive. I am ready to play.

So, I'll spend the next four years designing the life I want and learning how to play. By the time she's ready to go to college, I should have it all mapped out.