My Mind

I seriously feel a cosmic shift in my way of thinking. It seems as though in the last six months something has happened to me. I no longer have that longing I experienced for so long. Something is truly satisfied in my soul and it feels good and scary at the same time.

I didn't realized how much that longing ruled my mind. That constant feeling of needing to do, to be, to go, to learn, to search, could have made me neurotic. Instead, over that last few years, I have been able to soothe and calm my urges, rid myself of the gluttony that was sure to kill me, accept my limitations, and build upon my strengths.

Yes, I do credit the marriage I am in with helping me grow and acknowledge the need to keep doing so. My marriage helped me use my mind in ways that has allowed me to blossom into the woman I have always wanted to be. I'm not perfect by any means, wouldn't know what perfect looked like if it slapped me in the face. I do know that being authentically me has more benefits than seeking perfection.

Being me allows me to reach others because they can tell I am presenting who I am and not who I want them to see. My mind is good and strong and capable. I love my mind.

The Older I Get

The older I get, the younger I feel in many ways. Even though I have severe arthritis, I feel young and vibrant and alive. I feel as though still have so much to offer the world and that I have the time to do it.

Even though I am getting older, I have regrets. I am actually looking forward to turning 50. I know there is a freedom to be found in this decade and I can't wait to embrace it.

Back in the 90's, Stevie Wonder sang a song called, "You Will Know." The song is about waiting on God. I had it on tape, but it was destroyed. I looked for the CD for years, then finally found one this year. When I listened to the song, I began thinking about where my state of mind was when it first came out. I said to my husband, "I remember crying and feeling lost and unable to go on. Now, I know and God knows it feels good."

"I remember feeling the same way, but I thought I would never make it to know. I know too."

The older we get; the more opportunities we have to be the people we know God wants us to be. Just listening to that song and having all those old memories come up and not feel sad, or still stuck was a true revelation.

My life is better than I could have ever imagined then. God is good.

The More I Know

The more I know, the more I know I don't know much. I am a lifelong student and it feels good to be open to new things. So many of us lead with our negative thoughts. This only blocks us from the ability to truly grow as a person. So many people get to a point where they think they know it all.

I am grateful I know there is so much more to learn and that I willing to keep learning until the day I die. To many I come off as a "know-it-all." In reality, I am confident when I am talking about what I do know. My confidence threatens some and baffles many. You see, I am a black woman, with classic features, natural hair and a down-to-earth personality. I really wish I had nickle for every time someone has talked to me with preconceived notions, only to be blown away by finding out they were wrong in all of their assumptions.

Many assume I want to control my surroundings. This is not true. I am just as comfortable being a follower as I am a leader. Many are surprised to find that I am an excellent listener. This really blows folks minds because I like to talk. Many think I'm a cold fish. My husband says I carry myself like a person who is unapproachable. I'm not unapproachable, I just don't want to deal with bullshit, so I wear my bullshit repellent face.

The more I know, the more I believe people are capable of great things. Do something great today. You have it in you.

It Sounds Good

It sounds good when I say, I believe in the institution of marriage and I am staying because I believe my marriage is God ordained and to leave it right now, would not be what God wants.

It sounds good, but is very hard to live. Especially when you realize that just because you understand the big picture, you still have to live the day-to-day and be human at the same time. If I wanted to deny my humanness, I guess I could take up my cross and not mention the pain, but being human, I have to say ouch when it hurts and I'm hurting right now.

As I watch my husband's health fail, as I watch him help it fail, it is a constant reminder that he will never be a better husband to me. I fully get that what I see is what I get and that making the best out of it is about all I can expect. It is very painful to accept this.

What makes the pain almost unbearable is the fact I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I can't imagine ever dating, or wanting to marry again. With all my belief in marriage, this bad one has most definitely made me feel I would not do it again with someone else.

Now that I have accepted I will not have the husband I deserve through the man I'm married to, I question is this a marriage?

Of course it is. It's not a real good marriage, but it is a marriage nonetheless. Marriage is much more than the relationship between the two people. Marriage is more about maintaining and managing the shared incomes, children, household etc. I would say the relationship is about 20% of what marriage is really about. The other 80% is about all the other stuff which people tend to get done, but do not take the time to work on the 20%. This is why folk can be married for 50 years and get a divorce. As soon as they are faced with the 20%, the marriage is over.

For us, we do the 80% fine, it is when we try to deal with the 20% that problems arise. We've done some great things in our union. The fact we've been together for 25 years and not killed each other is amazing. We actually have done some very important things right and this is why we've stayed together so long. I will talk about them in another blog.

Back to Lovin'

I can't put my finger on it, but something has changed my husband. It has been almost a month since I returned from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, and he has been a different man in many ways ever since.

He seems to appreciate me more and is less temperamental with me. I mentioned it to him twice and he has confirmed he is making an effort to be a better husband. Better late than never, especially since we are still married.

I know he couldn't do better before now. He has really grown a lot overall as he has approached 50. It is amazing how people have to grow at their own pace. I cried, prayed, yelled and screamed for him to grow up, but he didn't until he was ready and ready for him did not come until this year, a few months before his 50th. He will turn 50 on 11/28/10. He has been hesitant to mention celebrating or even being her on earth because he is so ill. I have tried to be a comfort to him and he allows it now more, than he did just a few months ago. People really can grow.

It is a good thing that with age comes wisdom. Some of us would really be in bad shape if it didn't. I am going to sit back and enjoy what I am experiencing.

Empathy-Part Four

The birth of my son triggered a desire to become more male friendly. I fully understood I had no idea of what it is like to be a man. Even though it took a male to help make me and I know biologically I am half male, I wholly experience life as a female.

Many women don't understand the importance of empathizing with the male species. They would much rather try to change him, or expect him to do as she wants because she claims to love him. Or she may have all kinds of warped expectations due to not growing up with a male, or never taking to the time to pay attention to those around her.

The media, the government, employers, schools, retailers, etc. all benefit from the battle that goes on between the sexes. What women need to know is battling with men will not get you what you want. Men, understand this about women that's why many of them have taken the stance that they are afraid of women. Their fear is based on the unknown. They don't know us either and not much in our culture tries to cultivate true understanding among the sexes.

There are a few people are who are genuinely wanting to make the relations between the sexes better, but not many. This country thrives off conflict. We can't get enough of bitter feuds and disconnected partners. We flock to the news stand to read about who broke up or on the verge of breaking up. We love to look at others in pain, while simultaneously running to the divorce courts to heal our own.

The answer? We must come to our relationships with more understanding and willingness to participate at our highest level of consciousness.

It Is What It Is

We so often want to believe we know others when in fact, you never really know anyone. You must remember we all have secrets. We are all good at hiding things.

People tell you about them. They let you know by what they do, more than by what they say. If you want to know a person, listen to them. Stop putting your ideas on them. Stop expecting them to be like you, or want you you want. Let people be them and they will be who you want them to be, if they want to. But they most definitely won't be who you tell them they are.

It is what it is.

Money Can't Buy Me Love

I have very little disposable cash. Sometimes it bothers me, but for the most part I am grateful for what I do have. I'm not trying to be more, have more, or do more. I'm just trying to learn to continously be grateful for what is.

Authenticity

I make no apologies for who I am. Just as it has others, life has shaped me. Unfortunately, some of the brightest people still have problems letting others be who they are. They bring to conversations their preconceived ideas about what should and should not happen at even given moment. When others do not fit into their idea of what should be, they immediately have a problem with the person.

This happens to me a lot. Because I fear no man. Because I know, that I know , that I know. I do not respond they way others feel I should and I have to be subjected to them telling me how I should have responded to this, that, or the other.

No one has the right to dictate what comes out of another person's mouth. If you don't like what is said, that is one thing, but to actually tell a person what they could have said, or should have said is out of line and disrespectful in itself. I take people at face value and if I find I cannot handle what they are putting down, then I put them down.

I don't make it a habit of allowing myself to be dictated to and that is a good thing. I'd really be crazy if I listened to all the people who want to tell me how to express myself, what to wear, how to walk into a room. I mean really, who has the time to worry about what others think?

We are living in a marvelous time that will go down in history as one of the most unusual decades for destruction and growth. Our economy is taking its beatings and we are having to rely more on less and deal with it. What will you contribute to this marvelous time in history? What will you learn about yourself? How will you adapt to the New World Order? It is time we all learn to do our own thing and leave other people's alone.

Needs

We all have needs. We all need to learn to meet as many of them as we possibly can if we want to be happy.

No one can love you like you can love yourself. Give yourself a chance. Meet your own needs whenever possible.