I was feeling badly after listening to a song my husband and I used to slow dance to. It made me sad to think about the lose of his leg. It also made me feel worse to know I would never be in his arms again.
I wrote about my feelings on Facebook and he replied, "I will dance again."
I wrote: "I believe. Sadly it won't be with me."
It is so sad. I am left with all these feelings and emotions. I have to work on not forgetting it is really over. I could not go back if I wanted to. There is nothing left for me, but work and I have done that. Still, I had to hear his voice. I had nothing I wanted to say to him. I just wanted to hear the tone of his voice. It always soothed me.
He was surprised I really didn't have anything to say. He caught himself complaining a few times and stopped, which I thought was really interesting. Still, I said nothing. I called with that purpose twice this weekend. I will not call again because I could tell he wants to come back and I don't want him back. I want him to stay far away from me. I will not allow myself to be hurt by him again.
I do believe God is going to continue to shelter me and guide me in the right direction. There is nothing for me in his life except to take care of him now that he has loss use of his hands. He says he is embarrassed. So was I when he humiliated me in front of all those people. I am sure he has not given it a second thought. I will stay away from him so I won't have to remind him.
The next time I feel like I have to hear his voice; I'll just do without.
Monday, February 20, 2012
When You Can't Love Who You Want
I love my husband completely, but I cannot love him actively. His behavior is completely unacceptable to God and to me. He has done all he can to continue to push his family away, but if you talk to him he doesn't understand why no one wants to be around him.
He simply cannot see how nasty and mean he is. He doesn't recognize the disrespect he harbors for those who are close to him. He just can't accept that he is not a good person, at least not to people he claims to love.
Still, I love him dearly, but I am so glad not to be apart of his self-sabotaging lifestyle anymore. It was torture watching him tear down everything we would try to build. To watch him walk all over the love and respect I did try to have for him. To him not give as much as he could to our children.
When you can't love who you want, you really do have to take a step back and be grateful cause sometimes it is a good thing. Not being with him does not keep me from loving him or from praying for him. I will continue to do both as long as I live.
He simply cannot see how nasty and mean he is. He doesn't recognize the disrespect he harbors for those who are close to him. He just can't accept that he is not a good person, at least not to people he claims to love.
Still, I love him dearly, but I am so glad not to be apart of his self-sabotaging lifestyle anymore. It was torture watching him tear down everything we would try to build. To watch him walk all over the love and respect I did try to have for him. To him not give as much as he could to our children.
When you can't love who you want, you really do have to take a step back and be grateful cause sometimes it is a good thing. Not being with him does not keep me from loving him or from praying for him. I will continue to do both as long as I live.
Friday, February 17, 2012
It's the Principle of the Thing
My husband and I are not together because he violated basic human principles one time too many. He proved to me that his anti-social behavior is sociopathetic and therefore completely unacceptable in my household.
The day before we separated for good, we were happy as for as I am concerned. Happy for us. I had spent the day with him at the hospital. We had an adventure that turned out to be serendipitous. I write more about this in my third installment in the series, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage.
Throughout my relationship with my husband I was able to maintain who I was and to stay on course towards who I wanted to be. He, on the other hand, had never charted a course for himself, thus he was adrift. He often marveled at how I was able to remain so consistent in what I believed, and who I am. Year after year, I presented to him the woman I knew myself to be. Year after year, he hated me for it. He would never fail to make comments that revealed the mendacity he felt towards my ability to be authentic in my dealings with him and others.
Six months ago, I learned how awful a person can get when they have no understanding of God. i truly believe God released me from my marriage based on his knowledge of my heart. He knew that who I am could never continue to tolerate someone violating basic human principles. My husband crossed the line and I chose me. It's the principle of the thing.
The day before we separated for good, we were happy as for as I am concerned. Happy for us. I had spent the day with him at the hospital. We had an adventure that turned out to be serendipitous. I write more about this in my third installment in the series, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage.
Throughout my relationship with my husband I was able to maintain who I was and to stay on course towards who I wanted to be. He, on the other hand, had never charted a course for himself, thus he was adrift. He often marveled at how I was able to remain so consistent in what I believed, and who I am. Year after year, I presented to him the woman I knew myself to be. Year after year, he hated me for it. He would never fail to make comments that revealed the mendacity he felt towards my ability to be authentic in my dealings with him and others.
Six months ago, I learned how awful a person can get when they have no understanding of God. i truly believe God released me from my marriage based on his knowledge of my heart. He knew that who I am could never continue to tolerate someone violating basic human principles. My husband crossed the line and I chose me. It's the principle of the thing.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Exploring, Waiting and Watching
So much is happening, and then again there really is not much going on. I experience peace in abundance now and it is very addictive. I feel like I don't want to be bothered with people much. I find folk just don't make it possible for me to maintain my the level of happiness I desire.
Being separated from my husband and still having a true and geniune love for him is interesting. Even though I care and sometimes wish I could comfort him, I know it is not in my best interest to do so, so I don't. I keep my distance.
I gathered from a conversation my youngest was having with him on the phone that he felt I would not make an effort to bring her to see him in the nursing home. Of course I would, I am not going in, but I would most definitely make sure she got to see her father. He is still trying to play the victim role not knowing how pathetic it makes him seem. I want to belive he will one day reach out to God and embrace a spirit of love and forgiveness, instead of envy and hate.
Right now I am exploring my opportunities, waiting for the right time to make the right move and waiting for my miracle.
Being separated from my husband and still having a true and geniune love for him is interesting. Even though I care and sometimes wish I could comfort him, I know it is not in my best interest to do so, so I don't. I keep my distance.
I gathered from a conversation my youngest was having with him on the phone that he felt I would not make an effort to bring her to see him in the nursing home. Of course I would, I am not going in, but I would most definitely make sure she got to see her father. He is still trying to play the victim role not knowing how pathetic it makes him seem. I want to belive he will one day reach out to God and embrace a spirit of love and forgiveness, instead of envy and hate.
Right now I am exploring my opportunities, waiting for the right time to make the right move and waiting for my miracle.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Why I Do Not Recognize Myself
"Every since I've given up sin, Hallelujah, been born again."
I am truly no longer a glutton. It has been eight years. I have learned portion control. I am taking my time and that has made it seem more effortless. I do not weigh myself. I do not obsess about my looks at all. As a matter of fact, one of the major reasons I don't recognize myself is I actually love me. I think I am beautiful. I am putting me first.
I am so ready to continue to shock myself. I plan to keep myself guessing, but most of all continue to pray for God's will. That habit has served me well.
I do not recognize myself at times because my eyes don't cry no more. I have absolutely no fear. I love my enemies. I am much more tolerant of stupid people. I do not think about food 24/7. I am looking forward to traveling more. I want to grow in love with a man other than the one I married. I am ready for whatever!
I am truly no longer a glutton. It has been eight years. I have learned portion control. I am taking my time and that has made it seem more effortless. I do not weigh myself. I do not obsess about my looks at all. As a matter of fact, one of the major reasons I don't recognize myself is I actually love me. I think I am beautiful. I am putting me first.
I am so ready to continue to shock myself. I plan to keep myself guessing, but most of all continue to pray for God's will. That habit has served me well.
I do not recognize myself at times because my eyes don't cry no more. I have absolutely no fear. I love my enemies. I am much more tolerant of stupid people. I do not think about food 24/7. I am looking forward to traveling more. I want to grow in love with a man other than the one I married. I am ready for whatever!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Honoring My Marriage
Even though I am still legally married, my relationship with my husband it has been over for six months and I am so happy and relieved. I feel no anger, no resentment, no sense of loss, no wondering if we are doing the right thing, nothing but gratitude to God.
We both believed we were soul mates and we were. My soul got healed, he never developed a relationship with his. Even with that we spent 26 years doing the best we could, obviously. It is what it is.
I watched a documentary about happiness. There was a couple who had been marriage for over 30 years and were no longer sexually active. The wife was content, but the husband wanted more. They sought counseling and question why they were able to continue to stay together. The therapist made the statement that their earlier life had a lot to do with it. They had done a lot of adventurous things together in the beginning of their marriage. Although they had issues, when it came to working together and supporting each other, they did that. It was the therapists belief that these early experiences where they weather storms, good times etc., help cement their relationship.
The wife eventually broke down and said she'd rekindle the sex life because she didn't want to lose her husband. She was comfortable with the marriage and didn't want to lose him over sex. That is what marriage is about. Really life. You have got to give to get.
My husband and I were similar in the beginning of our relationship. Neither one of us had ever had anything that we owned. When we began to live together, everything was centered around making a home. It turned out he was more into house cleaning and decorating than I. I loved that. He did too, but he had many misconceptions about what a woman was supposed to do. He felt like I should like to clean just because I was a woman.
We'd do all kinds of things and took walks everyday to the beach, holding hands and making plans. The romance was off the chain. He was into setting the mood. The music, the lights, the food. Looking back is doing me good because it makes me realize why I grew to love him so. When we were who we are, and not portraying the roles we grew up seeing, we were great together.
I was thrilled by how thrilling love was and how much more open I felt as a person. The shift in my personality and way I felt about myself was intoxicating. I came alive in his arms, looking into his eyes, hearing him say my name. He turned me on and I will always be grateful to him for that.
We both believed we were soul mates and we were. My soul got healed, he never developed a relationship with his. Even with that we spent 26 years doing the best we could, obviously. It is what it is.
I watched a documentary about happiness. There was a couple who had been marriage for over 30 years and were no longer sexually active. The wife was content, but the husband wanted more. They sought counseling and question why they were able to continue to stay together. The therapist made the statement that their earlier life had a lot to do with it. They had done a lot of adventurous things together in the beginning of their marriage. Although they had issues, when it came to working together and supporting each other, they did that. It was the therapists belief that these early experiences where they weather storms, good times etc., help cement their relationship.
The wife eventually broke down and said she'd rekindle the sex life because she didn't want to lose her husband. She was comfortable with the marriage and didn't want to lose him over sex. That is what marriage is about. Really life. You have got to give to get.
My husband and I were similar in the beginning of our relationship. Neither one of us had ever had anything that we owned. When we began to live together, everything was centered around making a home. It turned out he was more into house cleaning and decorating than I. I loved that. He did too, but he had many misconceptions about what a woman was supposed to do. He felt like I should like to clean just because I was a woman.
We'd do all kinds of things and took walks everyday to the beach, holding hands and making plans. The romance was off the chain. He was into setting the mood. The music, the lights, the food. Looking back is doing me good because it makes me realize why I grew to love him so. When we were who we are, and not portraying the roles we grew up seeing, we were great together.
I was thrilled by how thrilling love was and how much more open I felt as a person. The shift in my personality and way I felt about myself was intoxicating. I came alive in his arms, looking into his eyes, hearing him say my name. He turned me on and I will always be grateful to him for that.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Too Much Romance Not Enough Love
I personally do not like the "in love" feeling. I was oh so happy when things changed for me as my relationship with my husband progressed in the beginning. I had never experienced the emotional highs and lows to the extent I did with him.
The feelings that arouse within me when he touched me were overwhelming, yet comforting at the same time. I constantly sought balance because I like being in control of me. Romance requires a certain amount of "being out of control," that is really not conducive to marital relationships. That is why so often once folk start having babies, the bottom begins to fall out. When the real world meets romance, romance uses loses because it is fabricated love.
Our country would be so much better off if we reared our offspring to bond with the opposite based on having gotten to know who the person presents themselves to be. Instead, we often go into relationships with preconceived notions and expectations and we have no clue who we are dealing with. This is the tragedy of romance. It always leaves you wanting because you never know what's real and the sad part the man and the woman go along with the charade. Generation after generation of Americans have been feed romantic notions that disappear quicker than the flame of a candle upon any sign of wind.
Romance cannot sustain a marriage. Two people in agreement to keep the romance alive in their marriage will. Marriage is an agreement between two people to share their dreams, goals, bodies, finances, time, energy with the other person until death do them part. When we build our relationships on romance, an institution based on lies and deceit, we get what we got; an extremely high divorce rate due to too much romance and not enough love.
The feelings that arouse within me when he touched me were overwhelming, yet comforting at the same time. I constantly sought balance because I like being in control of me. Romance requires a certain amount of "being out of control," that is really not conducive to marital relationships. That is why so often once folk start having babies, the bottom begins to fall out. When the real world meets romance, romance uses loses because it is fabricated love.
Our country would be so much better off if we reared our offspring to bond with the opposite based on having gotten to know who the person presents themselves to be. Instead, we often go into relationships with preconceived notions and expectations and we have no clue who we are dealing with. This is the tragedy of romance. It always leaves you wanting because you never know what's real and the sad part the man and the woman go along with the charade. Generation after generation of Americans have been feed romantic notions that disappear quicker than the flame of a candle upon any sign of wind.
Romance cannot sustain a marriage. Two people in agreement to keep the romance alive in their marriage will. Marriage is an agreement between two people to share their dreams, goals, bodies, finances, time, energy with the other person until death do them part. When we build our relationships on romance, an institution based on lies and deceit, we get what we got; an extremely high divorce rate due to too much romance and not enough love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)