I Had to Hear His Voice

I was feeling badly after listening to a song my husband and I used to slow dance to. It made me sad to think about the lose of his leg. It also made me feel worse to know I would never be in his arms again.

I wrote about my feelings on Facebook and he replied, "I will dance again."
I wrote: "I believe. Sadly it won't be with me."

It is so sad. I am left with all these feelings and emotions. I have to work on not forgetting it is really over. I could not go back if I wanted to. There is nothing left for me, but work and I have done that. Still, I had to hear his voice. I had nothing I wanted to say to him. I just wanted to hear the tone of his voice. It always soothed me.

He was surprised I really didn't have anything to say. He caught himself complaining a few times and stopped, which I thought was really interesting. Still, I said nothing. I called with that purpose twice this weekend. I will not call again because I could tell he wants to come back and I don't want him back. I want him to stay far away from me. I will not allow myself to be hurt by him again.

I do believe God is going to continue to shelter me and guide me in the right direction. There is nothing for me in his life except to take care of him now that he has loss use of his hands. He says he is embarrassed. So was I when he humiliated me in front of all those people. I am sure he has not given it a second thought. I will stay away from him so I won't have to remind him.

The next time I feel like I have to hear his voice; I'll just do without.

Exploring, Waiting and Watching

So much is happening, and then again there really is not much going on. I experience peace in abundance now and it is very addictive. I feel like I don't want to be bothered with people much. I find folk just don't make it possible for me to maintain my the level of happiness I desire.

Being separated from my husband and still having a true and geniune love for him is interesting. Even though I care and sometimes wish I could comfort him, I know it is not in my best interest to do so, so I don't. I keep my distance.

I gathered from a conversation my youngest was having with him on the phone that he felt I would not make an effort to bring her to see him in the nursing home. Of course I would, I am not going in, but I would most definitely make sure she got to see her father. He is still trying to play the victim role not knowing how pathetic it makes him seem. I want to belive he will one day reach out to God and embrace a spirit of love and forgiveness, instead of envy and hate.

Right now I am exploring my opportunities, waiting for the right time to make the right move and waiting for my miracle.

Why You Should Be Glad You Cannot Control Others

"The only thing you can take charge of is the space within the skin of your own body. That's it. Everything (and, especially, everyone) else does not belong to that of which you can take charge. Considering the vastness of the Universe, "the space within the skin of your own body' doesn't sound like much. But consider what's contained in there: your mind, your body, your emotions, and whatever sense of You you've got. That, to paraphrase Sir Thomas More, is not a bad public."

When we are trying to control others, we are missing out on another opportunity to get know ourselves. You should glad you have only you to control, but most of are not. We are too afraid to deal with who we really are, so we hide behind controlling others. If you are a true control freak, you probably run into a lot of resistance and this is just as it should be. Everyone comes here with what they need to do what is necessary for them. As parents, the most we can truly do is guide our children, yet we spend years keeping them dependent on us, then resenting them when they want their own lives.

Be glad you cannot control other people that gives you more time to do you. Get a life. Leave other people's business alone. Stop thinking you know everything, or that you are right all the time. What other people eat don't make you fat and that is how it should be. Live your own life, please!

The Ever Changing Role of Life

Life is fluid. Whether our minds change or not, we do. Until we accept we are not meant to stay stagnated, that we are born to grow and win at life; we will never find the serenity and peace that is awaiting our acceptance.

I accept the ever changing role of life.

A Year of Goodbyes

This year has took with it some very important people in my life. My husband and I parted and very well may never speak to each other again. My oldest daughter moved away and probably won't be back, except to visit. Then yesterday, our dog had to be put to sleep.

2011 has taught me to truly let go. My separation from my husband came as a shock. We were fine until the incident occurred. After it happened, it just didn't seem right to stay with him. Especially since he refuses to even try to be a better person. 26 years of sharing and giving is enough. It is time for me to find someone who appreciates me before I die.

I am also saying goodbye to gluttony. I have stopped overeating. I am so amazed at myself until I sit in disbelief sometimes. I can't even try to overeat anymore. My stomach has shrank so much. I prayed and worked hard to be able to leave my sinful ways behind. Thank God for the help and for me being willing to accept it.

I miss my husband terribly, but I know our being separate is for the best. Just because I want him doesn't mean I should have him. I got that now.

My daughter, it has been a long time coming her moving on to live her life. I wish her well and I hope she doesn't come back.

The dog? I have mixed emotions. She was old and could be a pain at times. I'm not really an animal person, but I will miss her presence.

Goodbye, good luck and God bless.

Thankful for My Strength

I must admit the thing I am amazed at most is the fact I have truly let go of my relationship with my husband. He was messing up our marriage and there was no need for that, especially since it was obvious he didn't really want to participate in the first place.

We have suffered so long throughout the years in our marriage. Now, at the end, what would be the point? I get it that he doesn't get it, or even want it. He wants to be single and he is. The legality of our marriage never stopped him from acting unmarried. It does not matter at this point what he does or does not do because I am gone. I am out of his life.

If he wants to be miserable, he'll have to do it by myself. I've been there and done that way too much long. I want to feel joyous more than anxious. I want to live and love freely, not feel like someone is expecting me to be more than I want to be.

I am strong and capable of making choices that are in my best interest. My husband and I had our time and now it is time to do something else. I am strong enough to face whatever and I will until the day I die.

Something New- 3

Well, I am surprising myself. I am really considering dating outside my race when the time comes. I really need to switch some things and I think the type of man I choose is a great start. Although I will always love and adore black men, they don't love me back. They expect too little and expect to give even less. A lot of this is culture based and the type of woman I am does not fit the stereotype many black men are looking to find.

Many men believe because I am overweight my standards are lower. Several have seemed shocked to find I have a healthy dose of self-respect and self-awareness. So many are used to dealing with women who are starving for attention and love. Although I had those issues, they were more than taken care of during my marriage. I have learned to give myself love and attention, therefore I am not starving for someone to do it.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just know I have to do something. I must find a way to be the woman I know I can be to a man and have him semi-appreciate it. I know white men see me as powerful and capable and are less likely to feel intimidated by me because they feel that way too. So many black men choose the dejected route to deal with life and it's struggles. Yes, things are harder for them, still today, but so many avenues have opened up also.

I need the man who can accept my independence and appreciate it, not feel threatened by it. I am ready for something new.

September

September has been a freeing month. I have come to terms with some very real personal issues. I have accepted my marriage will not end the way I had hoped. I know my husband and I did our best. We stayed together for a long time because of our disbelief in divorce, but what we hadn't explored was the reality that we don't have to live together to be married.

We can still do what is needed and not live in the same house. Our kids are not babies anymore. They now how to ask for what they need.

September 2011 will become significant for me because I really did some good soulwork this month. I stayed on track and did the right thing.

God is the light of my life.

Something New

I want something new. I want to do something I haven't done before. I want to move out of Louisville and start over somewhere else. I am ready to go!

The Older I Get

The older I get, the younger I feel in many ways. Even though I have severe arthritis, I feel young and vibrant and alive. I feel as though still have so much to offer the world and that I have the time to do it.

Even though I am getting older, I have regrets. I am actually looking forward to turning 50. I know there is a freedom to be found in this decade and I can't wait to embrace it.

Back in the 90's, Stevie Wonder sang a song called, "You Will Know." The song is about waiting on God. I had it on tape, but it was destroyed. I looked for the CD for years, then finally found one this year. When I listened to the song, I began thinking about where my state of mind was when it first came out. I said to my husband, "I remember crying and feeling lost and unable to go on. Now, I know and God knows it feels good."

"I remember feeling the same way, but I thought I would never make it to know. I know too."

The older we get; the more opportunities we have to be the people we know God wants us to be. Just listening to that song and having all those old memories come up and not feel sad, or still stuck was a true revelation.

My life is better than I could have ever imagined then. God is good.

Staying Strong

Staying strong is not easy. I am human and I need support just like anyone else. Yet, it is hard to people to view strong women as needing help from others. We get the reputation of "being okay," when in actuality, we need love, help, and care too.

At this point, I am sincerely grateful for being able to withstand much of what is going on, but after seeing all the blood that flowed from my husband's arm, I am in shock. I can handle a lot, but this blood thing is to much for me.

For whatever reason, the surgeon is unable to get the procedure right. He will be going to surgery for the third time. I will be leaving work early to be there for him, but who will be there for me? I can't talk to my kids about it, they are traumatized too.

The few friends I have are sweet, but I know they are sick of me consistently being in crisis mode. It's just all too much. Being strong is not all it is cracked up to be.

Full of Myself

I must admit I am getting a little full of myself sense I have combated my desire to be unyielding in my marriage. I do feel like I know something a lot of folk don't. I also believe I have grown in ways that many people fight.

I chose to fight to keep my marriage and family. I prayed for God's will and I do believe I received the answer, "Stay married!" So I have done that as hard as it has been.

My husband and I both have changed in ways I could not have imagined. He is becoming more and more sensitive and attentive. He has always been involved in our kids lives, but he now seems to really pay attention to what he is involved in, not just going through the motions.

I am full of myself, because I have refused to let worldly ideas and expectations dictate how I act in my marriage, and I am able to be positive about marriage with other people. I want my marriage to be an example of what holding on and staying true can do if you are willing.

Even though I get full of myself at times, I still know that there is still so much more we can do to make things even better. I want to share our joy and wisdom with others in hopes that they too will become proud stewards of happy marriages.

My Calling

This weekend has been a life changing weekend. I am a relationship coach and I have been working with a young 30 something who is having problems being the man he wants to be and his relationships are suffering because of it. I was awakened at 3:10 a.m. in the morning needing to talk to him because I felt he offended the God in me and I had to confront him about it. I was talking him about things that basically amounted to basic Christian principles. After talking to him, I began reading the book The Peacemaker, written by Ken Sande. As I read, I became overwhelmed with feelings of favor and grace because I had come to the conclusions in this back when I was 15 years old, or younger even. I have always been a peacemaker and this book verified my authenticity as one who has taken on the task of livng a life that gives glory to God. Back in 2007, God put it on my heart to write about my marriage and how I was able to forgive my husband for his transgressions and really move forward with our relationship. My friend/lawyer read the book and I could tell she wasn't really getting where I was coming from because as the author says in the book, "These principles have also proven to be universally countercultural. No matter what race or country we come from, none of us is naturally inclined to obey Jesus' commands to love our enemies, confess our wrongs, gently correct tohers, submit to our church, and forgive those who hurt us. In fact, left to out own instincts, we are disposed to do just the opposite." She could not believe I shared the things I did, but I also took reponsibility for my role in my husband's infidelity. After reading this book, she called me and said, "Wanda, you are a peacemaker." "You must not have read my autobiography. I've always been a peacemaker. My friends used to call me Martin Luther King." Reading this book has shown me exactly where I need to be in my journey. It has confirmed that I know, what I know and that I am being called to share what I know. My friend has honored me by sharing this book with me. It has given me the push I needed to go ahead and do what I gotta do. I decided I would get out of the way and allow God's will to truly be done, especially in my marriage. This book has confirmed for me I need to go ahead and listen to God and do what He ultimately wants me to do and that is to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. He has prepared me and now it is time for me to show. I am answering His call. I am going back to school. No more hesitation. It is time for me to do what is going to make the biggest difference in my life in every aspect.

What God Has for You

What God has for is just that, for you. I do no worry. I have lived long enough to see how it keeps you from your blessings.

I signed up for an event without knowing what it was really about. It said it was free to vendors, so especially since I was invited, I went. It turned out to be about a major as it gets in Louisville.

The mayor and every news outlet was there. There was keynote speakers, etc. People often ask me who I got to where I am. There is no magic to it. You have to have disciplined motivation.

Silly Rabbit

Remember the Trix commercial where the rabbit would try to steal the Trix cereal from the kids. He's being all selfish and self-centered when he is caught read handed and told, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Well, a lot of married people need to be told, "Silly rabbit tricks are for kids." So many of us expect our mates to perform all kinds of "tricks" to earn our love. We bait them in, only to turn on them once we recognize they are they're own person. Unfortunately, the hope of romance causes a lot of us to expect certain "tricks" to be performed before we will give our so-called love to another.

Until we learn to respect each other for who we are, we will never have the kind of relationships we want. As long as we come to the table with our hands opened instead of extending in service, we will never know what it is like to truly give, or get unconditionally.

I never understood the desire many women have to be taken care of. Yes, society has tried to make us believe it should be this way, but women, especially black women have always worked and done more than required of them. But to expect someone to take care of your day-to-day needs, I still can't get it. Many women end up performing all kinds of tricks trying to keep what they are not willing to earn.

I even further do not understand men, who look to their women to be everything to them. The idea sounds better than the reality. In reality, no one wants to be dictated to, taken for granted, or led on, but this is what happens when people give too much power to others.

Stop expecting your mate to perform for you. If we approached each other as though we were going on an expedition, we'd learn so much and be appreciated much more. People love for others to take an interest in them. The way things are now, folk are only interested in sharing what they think will bring them the biggest return.

All I can say is, "Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids."

As You Can Read...

If you have been following my blog, I am sure you have picked up the reality that in many ways I am struggling in this marriage. I happen to believe that the struggles, though they may not be as what others experience, are what are necessary for the each of us to gain the knowledge needed to be the best people we can be.

People want to believe that love should be easy, when in fact it is one of the hardest emotions to navigate. Because of its purity, love has no master. It is in itself the end and be all when it comes to humans. Without love, nothing survives for long. Yet, love is so hard to come by and even harder to find within ourselves.

I struggled for years with self-hate and loathing and now that I know love, I laugh at the old me. How silly I was not to recognize how marvelous I am no matter what size, how much money I have, or who I am married to. I am the shit just because and that is enough. Yet, for years I hated myself mainly because of being overweight. It wasn't me and because I didn't understand the importance of moderation I overate. I also used food to soothe me and keep me company and to celebrate. Food was my God.

When I became more of a spiritual person and less of a religious person, I was able to balance my reality and thus my life and body has followed suit. I am free to love because I know what it is to love me. As Frankie Beverly put it so well, "I got myself to remind me of love."

As you can read, I am pretty darn sure of myself. I know how to love.

Healthier Than Ever

My son said, "Mom, you are the smallest I've seen you in my entire life. It really says something that you are steadily losing weight. You are taking care of your health."

I feel good that my children feel open enough to share their observations with me. My son after watching his father struggle to walk back to the bedroom, made the above statement to me. For years I stayed in the 270 range, sometimes ballooning up to 282. Over the past few years I have become more aware of what my triggers are and I have learned to live a moderate life when it comes to food and it shows. I plan to rid myself of these last 50 pounds before my 50th birthday in 2012.

Now that I have my eating habits under control I can focus solely on exercise which is the key to removing the pounds quicker, while toning and trimming the body.
My son's observation has made me more determined to watch what I put in my mouth and why. I know I will be successful at getting rid of these last unwanted and unhealthy pounds. I look forward to being healthier than ever

Grounded

When E-Harmony advertised that it was allowing anyone to take their free compatibility surveys, I decided to do it. It took at least 30 minutes and really did ask some deep questions. When it was over and I submitted my answers, my score came back stating I was a "balanced" person, who seemed to be grounded and capable of being in a relationship with just about anyone.

I do believe part of the reason for my grounded personality has to do with my being a Capricorn. Capricorn is an earth sign. I have always felt a deep connection with nature and has held a belief that being a natural as possible is the only way to live.

Being married has grounded me even more. Staying with the same person wasn't as hard as others seem to find it. I really think a lot of people have trouble relating to themselves and this is why they have such a hard time with others. I have consistently worked on my personality because I have always believed I could get along with just about anybody. There are personalities out there that I wouldn't even attempt to understand, but for the most part, I feel people are people.

I use meditation to help me stay grounded, prayer to make a connect with God, and patience to walk this journey with the confidence needed to build the type of life I can be proud of. I am glad that money is not my true desire, as much as it is to help others achieve their goals and dreams in anyway I can. I am a worker bee. I like to produce. I like results.

As grounded as I am, I am also very creative and am able to think not only out of the box, but sometimes I don't recognize there was a box. I like being different because I am different and my uniqueness is what makes what I bring to any situation better.

I am proud to have my head on right. I am very happy to be me. I can only wish the same for others.

Shut Up

Wow! I really thought I had learned my lesson. I have, but I guess the shock of seeing my severely diabetic husband cutting his own toenails, just drove me back to my old ways. I couldn't help but mentioning the fact he should not be cutting his nails because that is what led to the removal of the other two toes. He became agitated and stated, "You are not going to do it."
I replied, "You're right. No I will not take the chance and cut the toenails of a diabetic as severe as you are. You should let the doctor do it." He questioned why I cared and I had to also.

When will I understand that other people may not have the same understanding I do? I know this to be true when it comes to him, but the fact that I really love him and care for him just won't let me shut up. I have to say something. I have to do whatever I feel necessary to try to help him stay in reality. He is fighting it hard. His desire to ignore the signs his body is showing is frightening. I cannot turn a blind eye, especially when I know how much his life represents a miracle.

He does not fully accept what God has done for him so he can easily dismiss the little good health he does has. He knows the life he has led should not warrant the blessings he has received, but who I am to tell God how to do his job? All I can do is be glad and let go and let God and shut up.

Just Don't Get It

I began the series Get Out of the Way!Claim God's Will for Your Marriage because I recognized people really don't get what marriage is all about. The get what the wedding is about. All the showers and parties, but when it comes down to dealing with the nuts and bolts of marriage, folk draw a blank.

It seems as though folk just want the good times. They can't seem to understand that marriage is truly about day-to-day, everyday. It is about sticking and staying, dealing and hanging. I encourage people to remember the vows they took and pay attention to how they feel when they are obligated to stand up to the commitment they have made.

So many are ready to run when things don't go their way. What marriage does for us is gives us the opportunity to evolve into our highest selves. The constant compromising and thinking of others is not meant to demean or keep you from living your life. Instead, it is designed to give you the opportunity to know the richness that comes with true commitment.

Marriage gives us the opportunity to find a real sense of peace and to share our lives with someone who says they have our best interest at heart. Unfortunately, many just don't get it.