Boyce, Whose to Blame?

Any commentary that focuses on either party in a marriage is unwilling to deal with the issue at hand. The answer is simple. Both parties are to blame for the dysfunction that leads to black women not getting married and not staying married. Of course, if the woman chooses not to marry, it is her call, but we all know there are more women who want to marry and are not married.

The blame is on the individual who enters into the partnership unequipped to handle the responsibility. Most often both people lack the self-knowledge, self-awareness, and understanding needed to be in a relationship. Full of expectations, each move throughout their day trying to find ways to get their needs met, most often not expressing their needs to their spouse.

Men spend all their money trying to attract a woman, only for the interest to be gone once he has gotten her. Women don't understand men, so they assume this behavior has something to do with them, when in reality, what the male is experiencing is natural to the male. Years ago, before they started walking upright, man lived for the thrill of the hunt, back then, it was for survival. No longer having to chase animals for their food, man has focused on working and conquering their main interest. Men are wanderers by nature. There are tribes in Africa where women do the hunting and men stay at the village. Now that we have made our world so comfortable, many of our long ago useful innate instincts have become a deterent to unconditional love.

Yet, it is all in the plan. Just like in other species, there are those who lag behind because of any number of limitations. If we as individuals do not utilize self-examination to uncover our inner thoughts, desires, wants, and needs, we mislead others with the mask we wear to make it through the day. What happens when we marry is the mask eventually is removed, then divorce.

The evolution of humankind was inevitable. It is the man, the woman who can rise above their natures, mature, evaluate their situations and do their best to make choices that are in their best interest. Not doing what is in our best interest is the blame for divorce. Most times we neglect to do the right thing before we get marry the wrong person and marry then anyway. We know it early enough (before kids, bills, etc.), but we stay anyway. Once we have buried ourselves in an impossible situation, then we look for someone to blame. Somehow we forget to remember we are to blame. Had we only followed our first mind.

Black men have it so easy in so many ways. Everybody wants a piece of them. We all know how the white man feels about him. They can't sell a hamburger, car, beer, phone service without their music. I could go on and on, but I will save it for another blog.

The white woman has her ideas. Some will even marry one, once. You can believe the second marriage will be to another race.

Black men love themselves in all the wrong ways. Seeking status through ways that most often lead to their being unavailable to black women for long periods of time. It doesn't matter whether it is jail, a job, another woman, drugs, gambling, sports, the kids, other people's kids, fighting for the country, saving the city, putting out fires, working for Diddy, most often, they are not going to be around. We must learn to love them anyway. We must model unconditional love and find ways to help the desire to grow. It would be wonderful if more mothers would do this for their sons as I have. Allowing them the priviledge of male company, not hating them because we do not understand them, and seeking help for yourself if needed, all these things are steps towards helping a male grow into a healthy man.

It is easy to believe we get divorced for some of the stupid shit we present to the courts, our families, and friends. If we told the truth, we'd say, you know what? I was really childish in that marriage, I wasn't really ready, I allowed him to bring out the worst in me, I was pre-occupied with myself, my friends, the house, the kids, I needed that promotion, I had to go to school, I had to work, I was tired.

You know what? Who cares? No one, but you. I am telling you from all I know to be real and true; if you don't work on you and be honest with yourself and love yourself and meet some of your own needs, you will not be fit for a relationship.

I wish there was some other answer most days. I wish I could continue to blame my husband when he does stupid shit that just burns me up. I stop and remember I am in control of the thermostat. Whose to blame, I, me, you, us they, them, myself, he and she.