The Other Side-Part Two

My husbands chronic illness is really taking its toll on me and the family. He has been admitted to the hospital twice within a week and a half. Yesterday, before I could get to the door, he was calling me to tell me needing to call an ambulance because he was throwing up blood. When I got in the house and saw how much blood he had thrown up, I fought off the shock that ripped through my heart.

The first thing I thought? "Wow, he really just may die before he is 50," which is at the end of November. He is frail, his kidneys are only working at 24% of their capacity, he had several mini-strokes over the weekend, he is having trouble breathing, he can barely hold anything in his hands. His muscle control is lessening due to the strokes, his legs are swollen beyond recognition, his skin is turning dark, he can barely hear, and his eyes are failing.

All this from diabetes and high blood pressure. He lived the wild life, all his life and now he is paying the piper. Oh yes, he certainly danced to the music. I often watched him in awe throughout the years, secretly wishing I had the nerve to live so recklessly, at least a little. Instead, I stayed on course and did my best to bring some balance and awareness in his life.

Now that we are on the other side and are actually enjoying each other on many levels, his health is a big issue. It is really hard to get in the mood for much after watching someone throw up their guts. I told him Sunday, "You know, we are really blessed to have each other and to have had each other for so long." He agreed. He began to look for something and I lead him directly to it. He turn and said, "Boy, men who don't have a wife don't know what they are missing." He has, he will and he did.

God Bless Us

God Bless Us

I am only one person,
but I am one person.
I can't do everything
but I can do something.
And what I can do,
I ought do do.
And what I ought to do,
by the grace of God
I will do.


We must put for the effort to do all we can with what we have. An attitude of gratitude is the only cure for self-pity.

When I Think Back

Sometimes when I think about how I used to be. The old me, I cringe. I hated my self so much yet I could right poems like this one. I wrote this when I was 15 and at the height of my self-hate:

Like You, You'll Love You

You never want to be who you are.
You look at others and admire then from afar.
You never look at yourself and say,
"I'm the best I can be."
You always look and say,
"I don't like me."

If you don't like yourself, life will always be hard to live.
Just remember you have all God had to give.

Make the best of you,
You are all you've got.
Forget about others and what you're not.

Be yourself and you'll soon see;
that who you are is who you would rather be.

Now that I have really learned to love myself, when I read this poem I am proud of how hopeful and insightful I was at an early age. It is this hope that comes through in this poem that truly kept me alive and wanting to learn how to love myself completely.

I have come to that place and it is heaven on earth.

The Obamas

I saw the first couple on Oprah last night. Oprah asked them how the appointment has affected their marriage and you could tell they are basically the same. They are a very cerebral couple. Good for them.

The First Lady talked about liking her husband. Yes, it would be a perk to like your mate, but most often it is really hard. This is the person who you see at the worse. You know things about them others may never know. You learn things you don't want to know.

For me, what saved my marriage wasn't the fact that my husband was my friend, as much as it was the unconditional love I was able to develop over the years. The more I loved him it seemed the less I liked him. I soon became convinced he would much rather I love him, whether I liked him or not.

He doesn't like me either. I'm everything he wants to be and just can't seem to muster up to decency to rise to the occasion. No, if I weren't married to him, I probably wouldn't even speak to him. We have talked about this fact many times. This is why we are so convinced there is something very divine about our union. Soul mates as he likes to say.

I have had to agree. It can only be something greater than me that keeps me thinking lovingly about the man I'm married to. I am convinced I'm married to the right man. I also believe I must have done something terribly wrong in another life.

But I got it this time. I learned my lesson and that is to love whether I like it or not.