Watching and Waiting

My husband announced he is 197 pounds. I would be happy if it were due to him trying to work on his health, but it is just the opposite. He is not doing what he needs to do and his body is withering away, right before my eyes.

Each and everyday I am getting closer and closer to dropping meat from my diet. I see the effects fat has on the body and truly recognize that minimal intake of fat is the best recipe for health. Incorporating even more vegetables and fruits in my diet will be hard, but I am open to the change because I want to live.

I am watching and waiting to see what he is going to do, but I am moving towards health for sure. Such a tragedy. I am so glad I know I don't have to die a horrible death, at least not by my own hand. I can and will prevent a lot of health problems for myself by understanding that food is my medicine. A balanced, healthy, fat free diet is the way for me.

Life Long Learner

I have been doing a lot of studying regarding nutrition. Seeing how my husbands body is shutting down based on the food his has eaten and the lack of physical activity he has gotten has really woke me up.

I am ready to go to the next step and that is to almost cut out chicken and turkey intake. I have found a supplement for protein called spirulina. It has 18 out of the 22 amino acids our bodies needs to be at optimum health. I have a severe protein deficiency and take 1000mg of B12 injected monthly. I know for a fact that vitamins play a crucial role in saving your life. Without these monthly injections I could not function and would endanger my health seriously.

I know I am healthier and in a better position to accept that health is more important than anything I could have ever imagined I wanted or needed. Being a life long learner has truly benefited me. In six months, I plan to be a different person, inside and out.

Being a B. I. T. C. H.

I have no problem telling folk, I am a Bitch and to me that is a woman who is being in total control of herself. Folk hate that. People won't admit it, but they love a push over. Most people will take advantage of a person who does not have good boundaries.

I have learned over the years that my boundaries have been pretty tight for a while, especially since I have been an adult. I received a great compliment today. My co-worker told me, "You are really unique. You are a control freak, but unlike other control freaks who want to control themselves and everyone else. You are a control freak over yourself."

He went on to say how I was a very good listener. He told me that he has forgotten several times things he has told me and was surprised that I remembered two weeks later. "Most people just act like they are listening to you. You really listen."

I am that way because my mother never listened to me. When she did she made it seem as though what I was saying was stupid, in reality it was over her head. Her thinking is concrete, whereas I have always been an abstract thinker, even as a kid. So when I would come to her with certain concepts and ideas that she had never thought of, she would automatically try to make me feel stupid by calling me "stupid, ignorant, fool." Those where her names for me. It wouldn't have been so bad if she used them one at a time, but she would call me these names consecutively, every time she used them. It wrecked my self-esteem.

After 18 months of therapy back in 1989, I had to face some truths about myself that I didn't like much. I was having emotional problems, because I couldn't control other folks emotional problems. After therapy, I was able to stop worrying about what I could not change and take care of what I could.

I feel blessed to be open enough where people feel they can share themselves with me without feeling as though I am going to judge or ridicule. It is not my place. I do believe that it is part of my purpose her on earth to use my listening skills to give others a chance to be heard and maybe they to can take control of their lives and become the people they desire to be.

The Other Side- Part Three

I had to work this morning at 4 a.m. I woke up around 9:40 and was hungry. I made some cornbread on the stove and at some Kale greens with Country Ribs. It was good.

My husband came into the kitchen and I told him we had a date next Thursday night. I told him not to ask where. He immediately became defense, because he is such a control freak and said, "How you gon tell me I can't ask where I am going?" I said, "Because it is a surprise."

"What is the surprise?" he said.

"What? I said it was a surprise. You are such a control freak you're trying to trick me into telling you what the surprise is."

We both erupted in laughter and fell into each others arms laughing until tears rolled out our eyes. It felt so natural, so real, so good. I have been searching for something real all my life and now I have it with the man I've been with since I was 24 years old. You cannot imagine how proud and vindicated I feel. No one who knows us believed we'd ever make it to the other side.

Here We Go

I am completely ready for 2011. I already know what I need to do. I will continue to work on my latest book, BFI: Black Female Intellectual, I am also working on a book with my daughter, Maia. I plan to seek writing positions and be writing full time by the end of 2011.

I will continue to take care of my husband and family.

The biggest challenge? I need to shed 50 pounds in 2011.

I am ready.

Peace

Emotional Intelligence

Unfortunately, not many of us are emotionally intelligent enough to handle relationships. Men, more so than women. Men tend to run from their own emotions and women don't understand why. It is how they are wired, how they are socialized and how they are reared.

Parents who allow healthy expression of emotion will rear a more balanced child than those who have rigid gender role ideas, or certain expectations that may be maladaptive. I was reared to believe it was wrong to cry whether you were male or female. Crying was viewed as a sign of weakness.

I was highly sensitive so it took nothing for me to cry and I had no problem doing so. Both my parents gave me hell because of it, but there was something so strong about my awareness of my humanity that I ignored their beliefs and did what came naturally to me. If I was hurt, disappointed, or afraid, I cried. I didn't let them keep me from being human.

We are not allowed to let our emotions flow we are tortured by feelings of unsuitableness because it takes it all happiness, sadness, fear, laughter, joy, peace, to make up our humanness. Denying ourselves the opportunities to feel the full range of our emotions only numbs us and ultimately makes us bitter.

How emotionally intelligent are you?

WOW!

Yesterday my husband and I were trying to remember the last time we had an argument. He said he had thought about it while I was at work and could not remember. I can't either. It is so amazing to me. My agreeable attitude is working and I have found he is not as disagreeable as I would have accused him of being in the past.

It was my unwillingness to be in agreement that mostly kept us at bay. Once I managed my disagreeable spirit, I was able to let go of the need to make him the one who was disagreeing.

Each day is getting better and better. I am thankful I stayed. I am so glad I did not divorce him. I would have never known how wonderful things could be between us.

Something New

Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.

When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.

He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.

Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.

The Other Side-Part Two

My husbands chronic illness is really taking its toll on me and the family. He has been admitted to the hospital twice within a week and a half. Yesterday, before I could get to the door, he was calling me to tell me needing to call an ambulance because he was throwing up blood. When I got in the house and saw how much blood he had thrown up, I fought off the shock that ripped through my heart.

The first thing I thought? "Wow, he really just may die before he is 50," which is at the end of November. He is frail, his kidneys are only working at 24% of their capacity, he had several mini-strokes over the weekend, he is having trouble breathing, he can barely hold anything in his hands. His muscle control is lessening due to the strokes, his legs are swollen beyond recognition, his skin is turning dark, he can barely hear, and his eyes are failing.

All this from diabetes and high blood pressure. He lived the wild life, all his life and now he is paying the piper. Oh yes, he certainly danced to the music. I often watched him in awe throughout the years, secretly wishing I had the nerve to live so recklessly, at least a little. Instead, I stayed on course and did my best to bring some balance and awareness in his life.

Now that we are on the other side and are actually enjoying each other on many levels, his health is a big issue. It is really hard to get in the mood for much after watching someone throw up their guts. I told him Sunday, "You know, we are really blessed to have each other and to have had each other for so long." He agreed. He began to look for something and I lead him directly to it. He turn and said, "Boy, men who don't have a wife don't know what they are missing." He has, he will and he did.

Prayer for Others

My Prayer for You

when you're lonely
I wish you love
when you're down
I wish you joy
when you're troubled
I wish you peace
when things are complicated
I wish you simple beauty
when things are chaotic
I wish you silence
when things look empty
I wish you hope

Share this with someone and really mean it. People are weary.