As You Can Read...

If you have been following my blog, I am sure you have picked up the reality that in many ways I am struggling in this marriage. I happen to believe that the struggles, though they may not be as what others experience, are what are necessary for the each of us to gain the knowledge needed to be the best people we can be.

People want to believe that love should be easy, when in fact it is one of the hardest emotions to navigate. Because of its purity, love has no master. It is in itself the end and be all when it comes to humans. Without love, nothing survives for long. Yet, love is so hard to come by and even harder to find within ourselves.

I struggled for years with self-hate and loathing and now that I know love, I laugh at the old me. How silly I was not to recognize how marvelous I am no matter what size, how much money I have, or who I am married to. I am the shit just because and that is enough. Yet, for years I hated myself mainly because of being overweight. It wasn't me and because I didn't understand the importance of moderation I overate. I also used food to soothe me and keep me company and to celebrate. Food was my God.

When I became more of a spiritual person and less of a religious person, I was able to balance my reality and thus my life and body has followed suit. I am free to love because I know what it is to love me. As Frankie Beverly put it so well, "I got myself to remind me of love."

As you can read, I am pretty darn sure of myself. I know how to love.

Be Aware

There are so many reasons to believe in the basic goodness of folk. Unfortunately people can make it hard to trust,but what we must learn is we have to rely on our spiritual beliefs to get us through when we are let down in the natural.I am experiencing some severe challenges. Everything that I am is being tested. What I thought is not what I have come to know. My humaness has caught up with me. All I can do at this point is be still and be aware. Most of all I must keep showing up for my life. I won't give up on me.

When I Think Back

Sometimes when I think about how I used to be. The old me, I cringe. I hated my self so much yet I could right poems like this one. I wrote this when I was 15 and at the height of my self-hate:

Like You, You'll Love You

You never want to be who you are.
You look at others and admire then from afar.
You never look at yourself and say,
"I'm the best I can be."
You always look and say,
"I don't like me."

If you don't like yourself, life will always be hard to live.
Just remember you have all God had to give.

Make the best of you,
You are all you've got.
Forget about others and what you're not.

Be yourself and you'll soon see;
that who you are is who you would rather be.

Now that I have really learned to love myself, when I read this poem I am proud of how hopeful and insightful I was at an early age. It is this hope that comes through in this poem that truly kept me alive and wanting to learn how to love myself completely.

I have come to that place and it is heaven on earth.

Waiting on David

Not unlike many women in long-term marriages, I have come to accept what I cannot change in my relationship. Although I commend both my husband and myself, for believing we could have the family we both desired, even with the traumatic backgrounds we both brought to the union.

Some things have come to light that have altered the way I will function in my marriage for its duration. I have made the decision to stick with my original decision and that is to stay married at least until my daughter is out of high school. I feel strongly and believe completely children fair much better when they come from two parent homes. I refuse to deprive her of her father, because I have finally accepted what I have always known, my husband is taking his time becoming a man, therefore he is unable to meet my needs as a woman.

This quote, "We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains," is my new mantra. I will not grieve the loss of hope that has gripped my heart. I will not grieve never having the type of man I need. I will not grieve. I will not grieve.

Instead, I will continue to find strength in the knowledge that living for God will insure I am happy with my life. My relationship does not define me. It never has and it never will. I will find strength in my ability to recognize that this is what I should do, instead of run for a divorce, or become bitter because I am not getting my needs met, yet again.

My situation is textbook in so many ways. I literally married my mother, father, and molester. I repeated the cycle of pain I grew up with. The neglect, the rejection, the misuse of trust, the lack of respect, the inability to honor me for what I bring to the world.

I have learned my lesson and I am waiting on David.

I Needed That

A friend told me something that kept me up all night. At 5 a.m., no longer able to stand the rumblings of my soul, I called the same friend who was receptive and willing to let me flesh out what I believe to be God's will for me.

It is time for me to find out who is just with me, and not for me. It doesn't mean I am going to dump people. I think all these people will fall off by themselves. They won't be able to make the climb up the mountain, they will fall off.

There have been so many throughout the years. Some people I really felt close to. I really felt, at the time, they were going to be in my life forever. I learned my lesson the hard way about saying forever, always, coulda, woulda, shoulda. I learned we truly only get one day at a time and that is all we are mandated to deal with. We don't have to solve all of life's problems, if we can just make it through this day and not carry it with us to the next.

When you get stuck on stupid, stand in your own way, you keep out what our Creator has to offer you. I am open. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I think I'm getting closer to my peak.