Knowing the Truth

There is such a bitter sweetness to the truth. It stings ever so lightly until you accept it. Until you embrace the realness of it, you remain in pain, lost, numb, ignorant, fearful, alone. The truth is its own reward. No matter the consequence, if the truth caused it, in the end, it is right.

Running from the truth prolongs agony, causes dysfunction, delusion, and dissatisfaction. So many of us want to live a lie and expect something real. It is not enough to know what is right; you have to be able to apply this knowledge to your life in a way it will suit you best interest.

Too bad knowing the truth doesn't always change the problem. We must act upon whatever changes that need to be made once the truth is revealed. Not all truths require we take action, as much as they do that we take heed. Because all things develop in the mind, many cannot take heed of the truth, because they consistently dwell in the untruths that have held them captive for so long.

For a long time, I did not want to accept my husband really was the man I was supposed to be married to. We were so different. But then there was this something, I later learned to be a spiritual thang. It had nothing to do with me. My marriage is about glorifying God. Showing other that beauty can come out of bullshit, if the couple is will to get out of the way and claim God's will for their marriage.

You're So Lucky

We had one of those moments where as they say in the Viagara, "Touch, or a glance could change things in an instant."

We were cuddling and snuggling then my husband says, "You are so lucky."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because after 25 years your husband is still attracted to you."

I couldn't dispute him. I do feel lucky in the terms. It does mean a lot to me that he wants me when he sees me. It does make me feel good to think I turn him on at a glance or a touch. It always has and always will.

Our sexual chemistry is something we discovered and have most definitely used to our advantage to stay together. He was slow to learn a lot of things, but once again, because I stayed; I was able to reap the benefits and now he is an excellent, giving, slow hand lover. A man with a slow hand and an easy touch cannot be beat.

25 years later, all these things count even more. Sometimes all I can do is hold him while he trembles and aches with pain. He often falls to sleep and swears it is my soothing touch to is keeping him alive. Yeah, I am lucky.

As You Can Read...

If you have been following my blog, I am sure you have picked up the reality that in many ways I am struggling in this marriage. I happen to believe that the struggles, though they may not be as what others experience, are what are necessary for the each of us to gain the knowledge needed to be the best people we can be.

People want to believe that love should be easy, when in fact it is one of the hardest emotions to navigate. Because of its purity, love has no master. It is in itself the end and be all when it comes to humans. Without love, nothing survives for long. Yet, love is so hard to come by and even harder to find within ourselves.

I struggled for years with self-hate and loathing and now that I know love, I laugh at the old me. How silly I was not to recognize how marvelous I am no matter what size, how much money I have, or who I am married to. I am the shit just because and that is enough. Yet, for years I hated myself mainly because of being overweight. It wasn't me and because I didn't understand the importance of moderation I overate. I also used food to soothe me and keep me company and to celebrate. Food was my God.

When I became more of a spiritual person and less of a religious person, I was able to balance my reality and thus my life and body has followed suit. I am free to love because I know what it is to love me. As Frankie Beverly put it so well, "I got myself to remind me of love."

As you can read, I am pretty darn sure of myself. I know how to love.

Even Though

Even though my marriage has been somewhat of a farce, I wouldn't trade it for the single life if I was offered a million dollars. I read some of the post of single folk on Facebook and I remember how lonely, and sometimes even desperate I was. I remember going to the club and watching guys I knew I could kick it with, eye candy, only to be done with her two weeks later when he's back at the club looking again.

I'd watch women choose men just because they were determined not to go home alone that night. I can remember seeing couples and wanting to be a couple. I remember thinking about how much I wanted to be in a relationship and all the things I would do if I had a man.

Getting married allowed me to do all the things I wanted and more. It took away the angst and the longing and the desire to be active in a loving relationship. It also satisfied my need to be adored. Initially, my husband was infatuated with me. It was glorious in the beginning. It set the tone for what we have today. His dreamy eyedness has been removed, but he still adores me and you can't buy that.

Even though it has been a rough, rough ride, I still feel that marriage is the best answer for those who are single and find themselves longing and desiring a mate. There is nothing wrong with this as a rule, but longing and desiring can cause you to make poor choices, especially if you are only thinking about your immediate needs. So often we don't think about the other person in a real since when we are looking for a mate. Our thoughts are based on this abstract person. When we meet flesh and blood we try to project our made-up image onto them and this is where the problem begins.

I have always been a live and let live type of person. I have never wanted to dominate or be dominated. Even though my husband and I are complete opposites in most areas, we are the same when it comes to this, so even though much of what he does, I would not do, I can allow him to be who he is, therefore he can live and learn from his own mistakes without me trying to dictate how his life experience should play out.

We stay together because we both know we have hit the jackpot in relations to finding someone who knows how to unconditionally love. Even though I better at the love part than he, he has the no conditions down pack. He lets me be me and I do the same for him.

What We Do Right

If you were to ask my husband why he stays married, he would first say because of our children. I have no problem with that. Staying because of the children is a good thing if the couple can be civil. I think more people would stay because of the kids if they could only act civil. That is not the caase. Most married folk are to immature to try to get along. Ultimately being married means you have to mature. You have grin and bear. You have to be willing to do the work.
I think my husband and I are right for making an effort to get along. We are so different in almost every way. The fact we can rally together for the sake of family the sake of family adds to my happiness.

Leaving Me

My husband, a severe diabetic is in kidney and liver failure. I can only pray for him I truly care about him.

One of Those Days

Today is a "just be grateful day."

Yesterday, as I passed my husband while he was sitting in a chair; I randomly grabbed his head in both my hands and said, "I am so lucky." He looked at me and shook his head to indicate "no" and pointed at himself, as to say he was the lucky one.
The next day I asked him why he said he was lucky. He told me, "I felt lucky to have you smile at me."

I said, "I felt lucky to see desire in my husband's eyes still, all these years later."

We actually had a same page day.
Wow!