My Future

I do know I plan to start a new career selling supplemental insurance. I also plan to go back to school and become a Marriage and Family Therapist.

That takes care of my working life, but I am concerned about my love life. 50 years old is not a good age to be looking for love, but what else can I do?

God has put it on my heart that is time for me to let go of the past and move forward. I know he knows I cannot do it without love.

I don't care what you say I won't stay in a world without love.

WMHTM-9

Marriage taught me to be more open. I was very rigid before I met my husband. Wanting to have a good marriage, I recognized I needed to be more willing to try new things. My husband was very adventurous, so I had to learn how to come out of my comfort zone and allow myself to have fun.

Marriage taught me how to be more fun.

Fun Cut Short

I was looking forward to having a good time last night. We were only at the party a couple of hours when my husband began to look very uncomfortable. His legs were bothering him. They are swollen huge. Heis having troulbe breating and seems to think hehas some control over when it happens. I really feel sorry for him.

I didn't get to have any fun. As bad as I needed to, it was cut short. Things have really changed. I guess I'll have to go out by myself if i want to be able to have a good time.

Fun

I grew up too fast. I was never big on fun as a kid because where I grew up people often died for the sake of a good time.

My father would often comment, "You are going to be an old lady trying to have fun." He was right, but the great thing about it is I know how to have age appropriate fun. I am enjoying approaching 50 and I pray my health remains great and also my spirit.

I must admit the way the world has unfolding before my eyes throughout the years has left me quite weary. People are horrible to each other and it just seems to be getting progressively worse. Still, I laugh, love and live as though everything is just as I want it to be because in many ways it is. I have control over my life right now. Although I still have yet to obtain the financial status I desire, I am happy with how my life is going.

I am going to have fun.

Do What You Say You Are Going to Do

"be mature, firm in your commitments, generous and unshaken in the face of difficulty. So you will become capable of the great works your zeal makes you long for."

I always wanted to be an adult. I hated childhood. My father would say, "You are going to regret not learning how to play. You'll be in your 50's wanting to revisit you childhood."

I just laughed at him because deep down I know, when I'm 50 I'll be able to handle play. Play was tragic for me. Playing Monopoly with my siblings always led to cheating and arguments. Playing games became something a shunned. The man who molested me used "play" to groom me for his disturbed pleasures.

My parents could never play a game without an argument. I witnessed a man get shot during a game of craps because he was short 50 cents. It would never fail that there would be a fight after a school game, or dance. It seemed to me as a kid, fun led to pain.

But now that I am almost 50, I am really ready to play. I am in control. I can so yes or no, or even maybe.

So even though I am mature and firm in my commitments, I know I can let loose if I want to and not feel as though I cannot get back to me. Having found this balance in my life make me capable of doing the great works I truly do long for.

Be committed to fun today.

Away

I am not the type of person who really misses people when I am away. I've never tried to examine why and to be honest I'm glad I'm that way. When I do see them again, I am usually happy about it.

Well, my husband really missed me the four days I was gone. I thought of him often and actually bought him three gifts. I presented them to him upon my return.

We listened to music and talked a little. I danced for him and he enjoyed it, then we spent time being close and he admitted, "I missed you. I didn't leave the house the entire time you were gone."

Yes, I will be going away more often.

Tide and Time

After being with the same man for 25 years, I have been looking at our relationship differently. I look at it as though it is an entity of it's own. Marriage really has been given a bad reputation by those who did not know how to be married. After the divorce, anytime someone mentions marriage they bristle and moan and talk bad about marriage in third person. They make it sound like had it not been for marriage, their life would have been better. When in fact, as many later come to realize, it wasn't the marriage that was the problem, it was theirs and their spouses inability to effectively use the tools of marriage to stay married.

My husband and I have a new issue. He has become very hands on. He has always been affectionate. He often stands behind me and kisses me on my neck. He swats my butt when I walk by and makes intense eye contact. But something has changed for him. He cannot seem to keep his hands off me.

I get in the bed to either relax, or go to sleep. I seldom just lay around. Within the last six months, it seems he can't be next to me without reaching out to me. Although I can be affectionate, I don't like being randomly touched. People really almost need an appointment to touch me, unless I see them bracing up for a hug, I usually let hugs slide. But this constant groping and pawing. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd have to push him off me.

Last night I reminded him how when we first met, he was not used to being touched randomly and would bat me away. Sometimes he'd even run. I could see the terror in his eyes, but I was so insecure at the time, it was easier for me to take it personally. It was only after I talked to his cousin and he explained to me how men do not grow up like woman having people wanting to hug them and touch them, unless it is a parent or family member. Whereas as women, we share a completely different reality. I was able to comprehend and was able to accept where my husband was coming from.

Boy has he learned to hug and kiss, and touch. I just laugh and laugh and run and say no, and we play, then we stop and catch our breathe and laugh. We forget, we're not 24 and 25 anymore. He's 49, I'm 48. We are lucky in so many ways. I just keep trying to get out of the way and claim God's will for our marriage.