Spoiled

My husband accused me of not disciplining our youngest, and not supporting his rules. Even though it is not true, I am more relaxed in my approach to how I discipline her. He is really old school minus the hitting. He goes overboard, then back tracks. I am more consistent. Tonight she confided in me that she listens to me more than she listens to her dad. She tried to make me believe she does it because she is around me more, but I know differently.

I challenged her telling her she is to obey him whenever he is around. He is her dad and he is not telling her anything wrong. She admitted it upsets her that he wants the kitchen to look a certain way. "He just wants it to look how he wants it too look."

I sought for a way to help her see the bigger picture. My first response was that this is his house and he has the right to expect certain things. Then I thought to myself, "take the emotion out of it."

"You know what? If you work for someone, even if you have a better way of doing what they pay you to do, they expect you to do it their way. You can't just do it your way. Do you understand?" She shook her head yes. I told her to just think of it as he is preparing her for jobs.

It is too bad my husband is so closed minded. Until he opens he mind and deal with the issues that keep him stuck, he'll forever see his role as father in limited terms. Kids need so much and the little that he does give just may not be enough. Sometimes as much as you give it will never be enough.

His biggest problem is he is so unreasonable. It takes too long for him to come to the right conclusion because the way he reasons is through rationalization, which is reason lacking responsibility. I pray that he will soon let go and let God help him figure out the best way to handle situations. Until then, I'm glad I'm here.

My daughter will be the first to say she is spoiled. She probably would say we both spoil her, but I feel how her dad deals with her spoils her. His wishy washy way of discipline gives the child too much leeway and they learn not to trust you and not listen to you as much.

She would say I spoil her with things. It is not true. She doesn't have a lot of unnecessary things. She views normal maintenance as getting alot, when in actuality I am just doing my job.

BCS-Basic Communication Skills-3

Describing Own Feelings

Describing your own feelings helps others to understand how you feel so that they can respond to you with greater efficacy. although feelings get expressed in many different ways, usually people make no attempt to describe or identify directly the feelings themselves. When you merely express your feelings, the other person must try to infer your emotional state from a variety of cues. Since these cues are often ambiguous or even contradictory, the likelihood of misperception is great. When you directly describe your own feelings, however, the chance of misinterpretation and resultant action based on false assumptions are decreased.

Dissatisfaction and hostile feelings often indicate that faulty communication and misunderstanding have occurred. When these feelings arise, you and the other person should discuss how each sees the situation or the relationship. In this way, you may discover that your feelings come from misperceptions of the situation or misunderstandings of the motives of the other person. More accurate communication should cause the hostile feelings to abate. On the other hand, if your feeling of rejection are a response to the actions of the other person, he may want to change this own behavior. This desire for change is particularly likely if the other becomes aware that his actions are arousing feelings i you or others that he does not intend. In this case, you have helped him to reduce his "blind area" by providing him with a description of your own feelings.

There are strong norms in our culture against expressing emotions openly and also again acknowledging that you perceive the other to be experiencing the description of feelings the most difficult of the skills presented here. They often ask for guideline regarding the appropriate times to describe your feelings. One of the best criteria, with regard to negative feelings at least, is to ask yourself whether you are going to harbor anxious or resentful feelings against the other. You should share your feelings when you feel that you will be uncomfortable if you do not.

The aim in describing your own feelings is to provide the other with accurate information about your emotional state. It should not be an effort to coerce the other into changing his annoying actions so that you will not feel as you do. Do not threaten the other with your feelings. By reporting your inner state, you are providing information that is necessary if the two of you are to understand each other and improve your relationship.

Figuring it All Out

I understand a lot more now at 48 than I could ever imagine. The greatest committment I have made has made the biggest difference in the type of person I have come to be. Had I not married who I married, I truly do not believe I would be where I am in my mental development.

Learning to sincerely love him without reservation has opened my eyes so completely to the wonder of the soul. It is infinite in its ability to grow and learn and share. I recognize what I have and even though it is not ideal, it is my life.