Why I Survived Hell

In many ways, my marriage was hell. I did what so many women do and married my mother, father and child molester. My husband was a great candidate to continue to not give me what I needed most, to be loved.

My parents had some serious issues. They both were keeper's of secrets and deniers of their reality. Even though their intent was to create a home life. They created hell instead. Because they married due to my mother being pregnant with me, I was born into a situation that called for me to be treated badly because I reminded them both of the bad decision they made to have unprotected sex.

I survived the hell of my childhood upbringing, and later a 26 year crazy marriage because I never lost my personal integrity. "Women who love too much have little regard for their personal integrity in a love relationship," according to Robin Norwood, author of the 1986 groundbreaking book, "Women Who Love Too Much."

This book deals with the very true reality that many women who come from dysfunctional homes tend to seek out the same abuse within their love relationships. Even though I entered into my marital relationship seeking the love I did not receive as a child, as I matured, I was able to heal myself because unlike many other women, I held tight to my personal integrity.

My husband would tell me often he was proud of how I never give up on my convictions, beliefs, morals and values. After being together for 20 years, he congratulated me for the fact that I never backed down. I did not (not even under the tremendous pressure he put me under), change or alter what I believed in to try to keep or please him. As a matter of fact, if he got too out of hand, I'd put him out, rather than give an inch when it came to my person integrity.

I survived hell because I stood up to the devil, instead of giving in to the many ways he tried to lure me. My marriage taught me I am strong and capable of great love, especially self-love. I survived hell, because I kept Heaven on my mind.

Why The Man Brain Has Gotten On My Nerves

Yes, I have written many pieces empathizing with men, but this one does not. Men think differently than we do and that is okay. Unfortunately, they are just as confused by the way they think as women are.

I began reading books written by men about men because I recognized I did not understand the "Man brain." During my studies, I became more and more compassionate as I learned many of the things I hated about men the most, were just a part of their natures. Just how they are wired.

This is when I accepted that we are to discover what the other sex is about and not try to assume we know them based on our limited experiences with them, still the man brain gets on my nerves. There ability to compartmentalized their actions gets me the most. This ability is what will allow a man who is "happy," at home, to stray. He can actually rationalize his actions by saying he keeps what he does away from home separate, and that because he does not love the woman, it does not matter. He has the love for his wife in a safe compartment in his mind.

We all know this is unacceptable, but it is true that because they think this way it is okay to act on their thoughts. Compartmentalization can be helpful if used correctly, but all the men I know have used it to be selfish, then justify the selfishness by stating, one act has nothing to do with the other.

Men also seem to experience only two emotions anger and sexual desire. Either they are mad or horny. The in between is rarely visited. For most of them, they don't even out until it is almost too late. By that time, everyone is so used to them not meeting their needs, they are either bitter, or just don't give a damn. What lonely way to live.

The other thing that bothers me is their ability to play stupid. Before they were married, or living with a woman, they didn't have any problem finding their socks, ironing and washing their clothes, feeding themselves, but even the most enlightened brother will take advantage of a woman if she lets them. They'll run her ragged getting beers, looking for lost items, and running errands.

Then, there is the constant ego stroking many of them require. This turned out to be my biggest resentment in my marriage. My husband required way too much ego stroking. I am not the nurturing type, so it has been a huge problem for me for years, even before I fully understood what the problem was. If you have such a massive ego, you need to tend to its maintenance yourself, because usually folk with ego issues have few people who want to be around them.

The man brain is useful, but right now I can do without it.

Why Tough Love Is Hard

I know I make look tough love look easy. I've been doing it all my life. The people closest to me are able to handle my ability to give them a real dose of reality, and sincere hope for the future. Yet, you often become the "heavy" when people are not truly ready and willing to deal with reality.

This is currently the case in my marriage. My husband refuses to accept he chose to make the wrong decisions when it came to dealing with me. I had told him weeks prior I would be doing my best to be a kinder person. He agreed that I should, but obviously he felt like he should be able to remain nasty and revengeful.

It is okay, like he said, "Who has lost? Me!"

I will not be disrespected not another day of my life if I have anything to say about it. Don't come to me if you are looking for "sucker love." That ain't my style. My love is real and sincere, honest and forthright. I'll stick with you, as long as you stick with me. I am not going to waste our time with lies and deceit. I have no time for that. Life is much too precious and too short.

I am doing many things the same as I turn 50, but what I won't be taking with me is 48 pounds, a disrespectful husband, the need to control others, and no anger. I am leaving anger to the amateurs of life. I have lived with anger and it kills the soul and hampers relationships.

Whatever my husband has against me, he will have to deal with it on his own. I gave what I knew and did the best with what I learned. That's all!

When I am Right, I am Right

My husband is having a hard time. He is being removed from the place he is staying and three months later he is still blaming me for it. He does not see that it is his attitude towards the world that has caused him to be where he is. He is blaming me because he is not with his family.

I just sat and listened to what he had to say. He said I was 100% and he couldn't hold his temper anymore. Well, that's on him. He now has to deal with not being able to hold his temper. It is not desire to see him hurting. It is what it is.

He accused me of not caring about him. He has completely glamorized his part in the incident. He is in so much denial it is scary. I was right to let go and let God work with him. I cannot and will allow myself to continue to be mistreated. He has no respect for me as a woman or his wife.

I am free from all that now. When I am right, I am right and I was right to stop trying to be something to someone who could not appreciate it.

Married Minded

I came to realize I was the marrying type late into my marriage. Now, it is hard for me to change the way I think. I don't feel like I can do the dating thing. Maleness has become something I can say truly bothers me. Different men display their maleness in different ways, just as woman show varying degrees of feminity.

I lived with an Alpha male for over 26 years. I had to learn to be more humble and I accepted that reality, but even with my working on myself, I found the arrogance that is inevitable when it comes to males, gets on my nerves.

Unfortunately, I love men and dealing with their malesness is part of the territory. My husband's insecuritites got the best of him. He spent too much time being macho and wanting to be in control of everything, but himself of course. This is why his life continuously falls apart. He knew what was right for everyone else, but could do little for himself.

Now that we are separated and it feels like we won't get back together; I have been allowing myself to think I very well may have to date again. What I know about maleness makes me feel like I don't want to do it.

Understanding Myself

I didn't get to know myself until I turned 35. Between now and then I have spent a lot of time in self-analysis. I went through 18 months of therapy and during that time I learned about myself, what I see in so many others; we cannot control anything, or anyone outside of ourselves.

Most conflict is started based on people's desire to tell others what they can and cannot do. Yes, we all have to follow rules and regulations, no one is a free agent. I am talking about people who try to manipulate the choices of individuals. I call them soul snatchers. These people will go to great length to shape the life of another, while simultaneously fucking up their own.
There is no way to live two lives.

Now that I have gotten really in touch with myself, I notice I seldom think about what other people think. I have really come to appreciate my own thinking and I respect myself greatly. Facebook has given me the opportunity to talk to people I knew years ago, especially old male friends who dumped me for whatever reason. I have experienced flattering input from several people. The growing theme has been that people felt I was genuine and loving. I feel blessed to have left such a legacy, thus far.

I will continue to do what I must to understand me. Now that I have accepted my marriage will no longer go in the direction I had hoped, I must learn to allow myself to be open to meeting other men. The greatest thing about this is I truly am not bitter. Although very disappointed, God has helped me understand how he uses people and that I should feel honored, instead of defeated, for I have taken the greatest risk of all, I lived within God's will.

Now, I have the opportunity to live a completely different life and I plan to do just that. I am moving towards the greatness that has laid dormant for far too long. It is so my time to shine, to love, to take, to give. I fully understand.

No Explanation

There is no true explanation for why a person chooses to ruin their lives. There is a certain amount of relief they feel that is evident by the way the recover. In my husband's case, he is recovering very well. He has landed on his feet, which I always knew he would. He wanted to play the victim role with me and I wasn't having it. Somebody has to be the man.

He cannot explain his actions, nor has he really tried to. All he can say is "we shouldn't be going through this." Yet in still, we are. We are because of him and his inability to love. He told me he didn't have anything against me. I told him I think he does and his actions show it.

Until he figures it out, anyway the wind blows is cool with me.