Chronically Ill-9

The medication is working! I can see changes in all the right places. He is finally accepting he needs and has been taking it regularly. Because of that, his blood pressure has stabilized some and he has had less episodes. I am happy for me. Although he is in stage five kidney failure, and will need dialysis, for the first time I actually feel he may have a chance to live a better life.

He is reluctant to do the right thing, even though it is in his best interest. I am so amazed by this phenomenon where people know they should and could do better, but for whatever reason they don't. He is self-sabotaged all his life and just can't seem to change the pattern. This is such a sad situation because it is obvious God has something for him to do.

Anyway, I am excited about the possibilities. I am praying he will continue to take his medication, eat moderately, and begin to exercise. I do all I can to support his efforts to regain his health. Now that he sees taking his medication is making a difference, I sincerely pray and hope he will continue to move forward.

Watching and Waiting

My husband announced he is 197 pounds. I would be happy if it were due to him trying to work on his health, but it is just the opposite. He is not doing what he needs to do and his body is withering away, right before my eyes.

Each and everyday I am getting closer and closer to dropping meat from my diet. I see the effects fat has on the body and truly recognize that minimal intake of fat is the best recipe for health. Incorporating even more vegetables and fruits in my diet will be hard, but I am open to the change because I want to live.

I am watching and waiting to see what he is going to do, but I am moving towards health for sure. Such a tragedy. I am so glad I know I don't have to die a horrible death, at least not by my own hand. I can and will prevent a lot of health problems for myself by understanding that food is my medicine. A balanced, healthy, fat free diet is the way for me.

Life Long Learner

I have been doing a lot of studying regarding nutrition. Seeing how my husbands body is shutting down based on the food his has eaten and the lack of physical activity he has gotten has really woke me up.

I am ready to go to the next step and that is to almost cut out chicken and turkey intake. I have found a supplement for protein called spirulina. It has 18 out of the 22 amino acids our bodies needs to be at optimum health. I have a severe protein deficiency and take 1000mg of B12 injected monthly. I know for a fact that vitamins play a crucial role in saving your life. Without these monthly injections I could not function and would endanger my health seriously.

I know I am healthier and in a better position to accept that health is more important than anything I could have ever imagined I wanted or needed. Being a life long learner has truly benefited me. In six months, I plan to be a different person, inside and out.

The Other Side- Part Three

I had to work this morning at 4 a.m. I woke up around 9:40 and was hungry. I made some cornbread on the stove and at some Kale greens with Country Ribs. It was good.

My husband came into the kitchen and I told him we had a date next Thursday night. I told him not to ask where. He immediately became defense, because he is such a control freak and said, "How you gon tell me I can't ask where I am going?" I said, "Because it is a surprise."

"What is the surprise?" he said.

"What? I said it was a surprise. You are such a control freak you're trying to trick me into telling you what the surprise is."

We both erupted in laughter and fell into each others arms laughing until tears rolled out our eyes. It felt so natural, so real, so good. I have been searching for something real all my life and now I have it with the man I've been with since I was 24 years old. You cannot imagine how proud and vindicated I feel. No one who knows us believed we'd ever make it to the other side.

My 31 Year Old

My 31 year old daughter lives with me. She had an apartment for over 3 years. When my husband and I separated, she moved back home. The other day she came to me and was very serious. She said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being you. You are the perfect blend of mother and friend. You know how to just listen and let me say what I need, but you also know how to slip that mother thing in to make a point. Thank you for letting me stay with you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for not being one of those mothers who are all in your business."

I listened with glee. I felt proud that my daughter recognized that I am not the typical mother by any means. She and my son often praise me on how I don't over step my boundaries and I allow them to grow on their own as adults.

I never wanted to be the type of parent who continuously parents throughout their children's lives. I did all I could to guide them in what I believed to be the right way when I had full charge over them. After they turn 18, it is their turn to show me what they are working with.

I can tell my daughter is really proud of our relationship. So many of her friends complain about their mothers and she has none. I really don't bother her. Even though she lives at home, I go weeks without seeing her, but not without her kisses. Even if I'm sleep, she comes in my room and kisses me while I'm sleep. Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, but it was really her feeling compelled to love on her mommy.

She is a late bloomer and I have always known that. I am glad that I have not held her to the standard I hold for myself, because we would have a lot of issues. Since I do not do that to her, we have a very loving and loyal relationship.

I am truly blessed to have figured out some things early on about parenting and child rearing that has helped me break the cycle of abuse that was so prevalent in my family. Because of my ability to be who I want to be, I have love from those who mean the most to me.

Here We Go

I am completely ready for 2011. I already know what I need to do. I will continue to work on my latest book, BFI: Black Female Intellectual, I am also working on a book with my daughter, Maia. I plan to seek writing positions and be writing full time by the end of 2011.

I will continue to take care of my husband and family.

The biggest challenge? I need to shed 50 pounds in 2011.

I am ready.

Peace

Emotional Intelligence

Unfortunately, not many of us are emotionally intelligent enough to handle relationships. Men, more so than women. Men tend to run from their own emotions and women don't understand why. It is how they are wired, how they are socialized and how they are reared.

Parents who allow healthy expression of emotion will rear a more balanced child than those who have rigid gender role ideas, or certain expectations that may be maladaptive. I was reared to believe it was wrong to cry whether you were male or female. Crying was viewed as a sign of weakness.

I was highly sensitive so it took nothing for me to cry and I had no problem doing so. Both my parents gave me hell because of it, but there was something so strong about my awareness of my humanity that I ignored their beliefs and did what came naturally to me. If I was hurt, disappointed, or afraid, I cried. I didn't let them keep me from being human.

We are not allowed to let our emotions flow we are tortured by feelings of unsuitableness because it takes it all happiness, sadness, fear, laughter, joy, peace, to make up our humanness. Denying ourselves the opportunities to feel the full range of our emotions only numbs us and ultimately makes us bitter.

How emotionally intelligent are you?

Something New

Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.

When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.

He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.

Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.

Don't Hate

Don't hate me because I am not afraid to say I have learned enough about marriage and relationships to keep mine afloat. Don't hate me because my husband still finds me attractive, after 25 years. Don't hate me because we laugh and have learned to enjoy each others company.

Don't hate!

Don't hate because even though my marriage isn't perfect, I still feel I am where I should be and could not be had I not made the choice to marry the man I did.

Don't hate. It is such a waste of time. Instead, try to find your own way to get what you most desire from your relationships. It takes love, not hate.

Hard Times

We are not prepared for the randomness of life. I am in ICU waiting for my husband to have surgery. He has internal bleeding. Since the four strokes in 2008, he has been in and out of the hospital. He is only 49 and it all seems premature. The doctors told him he has the body of a 65 year old. He has not cared much about taking care of himself and know he is paying dearly. My father didn't care about his health either and would often boast about having to die with something.

My husband has him beat. My husband has high blood pressure, diabetes, gasteoparesis, is in kidney and liver failure. It makes me sad to see how little he cares about himself. I have a hard time accepting he can't accept how bad off he is. He seems to have a death wish. I pray for God to touch his heart and open his mind. I hope he'll recognize his worth.

Friends

I do not have many friends and I will admit it is my fault. I am very guarded and have tremendous boundaries. I cannot say this makes me unhappy. But it sure would be nice to have people who were there for me when I just need some comfort, love, concern and support.

Oftentimes, people see me as superwoman and tell me, "Oh, you'll be alright. You always are." Yes, I am resilient, thank God, because I need to be. My husband is slipping away right before my eyes. There is a part of me that has no sympathy for him because his lifestyle has gotten him in this situation. But the greatest part of me, my humanity, reaches out to him. I feel for him. I care for him. I am being a friend to him.

Still I need someone for me.

Perception is Reality

I never wanted to get married. My parents were volatile verbally and the banter made me nervous. I often felt pending doom and sick at the stomach. My emotional state was harmed greatly by their seemingly natural hate for each other. Although both were very ambitious, and money making minded people, they were on two different paths from the beginning.

They never learned the techniques I learned to use to learn to live with the man I chose, after he chose me. I asked my husband to marry me, so right off the bat I'm sharing with you that I am holding myself accountable for much of the heartache I have suffered living with him over the past 25 years.

The joy I experienced being marriage came a surprise to me. Because we both had some pretty set ideas about family, we could not see ourselves staying together if we were not married. I know my husband married me because he didn't want to lose me, and that is okay with me. I don't want to lose him either. Being able to express the need for each in a safe way has allowed us to be more loving towards each other.

I have learned to become more agreeable. As I searched to find what I thought it really was that kept me from being close to my husband, I found it was the unwillingness to let him have the right to his say and let it be right to him, if that is how he sees. Early in the relationship I was trying to be images I saw around me. It was exhausting and an empty way of live. The movie Revolutionary Road really show how we conform in this country and lose ourselves. I wasn't going to stay on that track.

I was never really on it. I was just "trying" to be an failing miserably. I had to stop and look at me. Most of my misery came from wanting him to be more like me. Admitting this to myself took years, but when I finally stopped it. My life changed. My need to know lessened greatly. I was able to focus on what I needed to do for me, my goals, my dreams, my wishes, hopes, and desires.

You may not believe this, but you can stop some of the things that are holding you back, from holding you back, by simply changing the way you view them. Perception is reality in many ways, especially for women. Sometime just they we think something is, is, until we find out different. When it comes to men, we need to accept we don't know them. They are not like us and thank God! The day I began to perceive my husband as undiscovered territory, someone to watch grow, instead of telling them where to go, someone to share time with, instead of dictating how time will be spent, someone who can tell me something, instead of someone who is incapable of sharing. We get what we look for, every time.