Not unlike many women in long-term marriages, I have come to accept what I cannot change in my relationship. Although I commend both my husband and myself, for believing we could have the family we both desired, even with the traumatic backgrounds we both brought to the union.
Some things have come to light that have altered the way I will function in my marriage for its duration. I have made the decision to stick with my original decision and that is to stay married at least until my daughter is out of high school. I feel strongly and believe completely children fair much better when they come from two parent homes. I refuse to deprive her of her father, because I have finally accepted what I have always known, my husband is taking his time becoming a man, therefore he is unable to meet my needs as a woman.
This quote, "We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains," is my new mantra. I will not grieve the loss of hope that has gripped my heart. I will not grieve never having the type of man I need. I will not grieve. I will not grieve.
Instead, I will continue to find strength in the knowledge that living for God will insure I am happy with my life. My relationship does not define me. It never has and it never will. I will find strength in my ability to recognize that this is what I should do, instead of run for a divorce, or become bitter because I am not getting my needs met, yet again.
My situation is textbook in so many ways. I literally married my mother, father, and molester. I repeated the cycle of pain I grew up with. The neglect, the rejection, the misuse of trust, the lack of respect, the inability to honor me for what I bring to the world.
I have learned my lesson and I am waiting on David.
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
From Which I Receive My Help
"People are not always loyal and grateful....gratitude is rare, we must get used to living only for God and to expect thanks only from Him." St. Mary Euphrasia
This is so true and so hard to do. Because we are human and of flesh, it makes it hard for us to live only for God, who is of spirit. We have to dig deep within ourselves to live only for God. We must relinquish our need to have others be there for us and grateful that we are there for them. We must do what we do because we know it is right and in line with what God mandates for us all.
Once I really understood the above quote, I was no longer unhappy with the way my marriage turned out. I understood I was to do what I had done and continue to do what I feel is right in the marriage. It has been very hard to perservere during many of the circumstances and situations that have presented themselves during my 25 year relationship with my husband.
He has not shown me the respect or love I would have hoped for, but what did happen for me is I grew to understand I didn't need it from him as much, when I learned to love myself more and appreciate my ability to love him despite his inability to love me. I do believe this is what God wants from us, especially in our marriages. Whether he loved me or not, my need for love drove me to find the greatest love of all, love of self.
So many people get married thinking they will be completed in some way. Marriage is just the beginning. Whatever completion of self that happens, happens when one learns to love themselves, not by being loved by someone else.
Lean on your faith in times of dispair. Be honest with yourself and open up to the possibility that if you are unhappy it may because you haven't learned to appreciate, be loyal to and love yourself.
This is so true and so hard to do. Because we are human and of flesh, it makes it hard for us to live only for God, who is of spirit. We have to dig deep within ourselves to live only for God. We must relinquish our need to have others be there for us and grateful that we are there for them. We must do what we do because we know it is right and in line with what God mandates for us all.
Once I really understood the above quote, I was no longer unhappy with the way my marriage turned out. I understood I was to do what I had done and continue to do what I feel is right in the marriage. It has been very hard to perservere during many of the circumstances and situations that have presented themselves during my 25 year relationship with my husband.
He has not shown me the respect or love I would have hoped for, but what did happen for me is I grew to understand I didn't need it from him as much, when I learned to love myself more and appreciate my ability to love him despite his inability to love me. I do believe this is what God wants from us, especially in our marriages. Whether he loved me or not, my need for love drove me to find the greatest love of all, love of self.
So many people get married thinking they will be completed in some way. Marriage is just the beginning. Whatever completion of self that happens, happens when one learns to love themselves, not by being loved by someone else.
Lean on your faith in times of dispair. Be honest with yourself and open up to the possibility that if you are unhappy it may because you haven't learned to appreciate, be loyal to and love yourself.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Ain't No Body!
I'm putting it down this morning. Let me say this, even if I were to get a divorce, it wouldn't be in hopes of finding a man who treats me differently than my husband does. At this point in our relationship, my husband's problems with me completely have to do with how he feels about himself. Because, after over 25 years of what he has brought to the relationship has made me stronger, he has foiled. He thought who he was would cause me to be other than who I am. He only thought this because he doesn't recognize me for who I am. I only exist to him in relation to what he needs.
I know, this sounds so awful. But I will press you, (and I won't have to do it too hard), to look at the relationships in your life and tell me how many are equal, balanced, where everyone is giving exactly what they are giving. Please send all list to wanda@goosecreekpublishers.com.
Anyway, men need to get off it. They are just as bad as we are when it comes down to letting the other be who they are. Next to coming to an understanding and agreeable, recognizing genders specific traits is paramount to being able to have a smooth functioning relationship.
Things get rough when we try to understand the opposite sex from our perspective. Men are men and they do male things. There are things that only relate to the male species. A woman will not know what it means to be a man, nor can he know what it fundamentally means to be a woman.
What we can do is respect the differences enough to live with the opposite sex.
One of my husbands biggest problems with me is that we can start at A and end up at Z in less than a minute. It all depends on the subject. Most men, on their best day, can't do this, most do not even desire to try, but they grow to resent the women's ability to do it. Any man who has a woman whose mind is as flexible as mine, has made the same complaint, "We will be talking about one thing, then before I know it we're over here. I'm like, what does this have to do with anything?"
To that I say, don't get mad at us because your mind functions best for you in the concrete. The technical term for a women's ability to connect the relavance of subjects, thoughts, possibilities, etc, is absrtact thinking.
Before I say anything else, I will say right off the bat, this ability can be the down fall of women who are not in control of their emotions. That is another blog.
Women use more of their brain than men do when we think about a subject. We're able to rapidly make connections and verbally express them. Sometimes it seems it is happening simultaneously. Some men, and this is not to be mean, like to keep it simple. Then they should choose a simple minded women. Don't reach for the top shelf woman, then fumble with her as you yank her down from the pedastal you've put her on.
I will say I have found a good balance. I have chosen silence to remedy fr actioning his already bruised male ego even more. He reads my silence as distance, when in all actuality I am sparing him the obvious discomfort he feels when he has to "think too much to talk to me."
Why are women attracted to Obama? It is because they know Michelle. We already know she is fluid in thought and words, and he's hanging. He chose a sister from the Southside of Chicago.
We, men and women, have to approach each other as if we were archaeologist. We must allow ourselves to allow our spouse to pick at our bones, down to our souls to really find that which will hold us together. When we allow simple gender specific traits to keep us from getting close to each other, we are either very ignorant, or very selfish. It makes no sense. It is not a legitimate excuse to leave a woman for being female. As her man, if she is flying away in thought, and you aren't ready to leave the ground, that might be a good time to say, "Dear, I really want to understand what you are saying, at this time I'm not making the connection."
If you love her, you will give her that. If it is her just talking to be talking, she'll probably say isn't that important and shut up. At the least you have shown her you were listening. At the most, you just may have to spend a few minutes letting her get it out. But what is wrong with that? If this is the person you want to be with, then you should want them to come to you and be who they are. Think about it.
Anyway, ain't nobody in Louisville ready to take me on. My dreams are huge. My thoughts are rapidly and fluid. I feel the energy of the times. God has revealed so many opportunities. No matter what has gone on in my personal relationships, I have been able to maintain to a great degree. For years I battled with food, but once I woke up and made some better choices I found I could maintain my weight and have done so for over five years now.
I have never compromised my dreams and goals. I never would. I've done a lot of alterations to my personality to stay married. I like how staying married keeps me true to the person I vowed to be. Again, I really wish I could say my staying married had a lot to do with my husband. I do believe God has released me from the marriage to the man I live with, but I have not released me from the vows I took, and as long as I believe I should do what I do, God is with me, no matter who else is, or is not for me.
So, if you don't like that I can think about 95 things and tell you 80 of them in less than 15 minutes, don't talk to me.
I know, this sounds so awful. But I will press you, (and I won't have to do it too hard), to look at the relationships in your life and tell me how many are equal, balanced, where everyone is giving exactly what they are giving. Please send all list to wanda@goosecreekpublishers.com.
Anyway, men need to get off it. They are just as bad as we are when it comes down to letting the other be who they are. Next to coming to an understanding and agreeable, recognizing genders specific traits is paramount to being able to have a smooth functioning relationship.
Things get rough when we try to understand the opposite sex from our perspective. Men are men and they do male things. There are things that only relate to the male species. A woman will not know what it means to be a man, nor can he know what it fundamentally means to be a woman.
What we can do is respect the differences enough to live with the opposite sex.
One of my husbands biggest problems with me is that we can start at A and end up at Z in less than a minute. It all depends on the subject. Most men, on their best day, can't do this, most do not even desire to try, but they grow to resent the women's ability to do it. Any man who has a woman whose mind is as flexible as mine, has made the same complaint, "We will be talking about one thing, then before I know it we're over here. I'm like, what does this have to do with anything?"
To that I say, don't get mad at us because your mind functions best for you in the concrete. The technical term for a women's ability to connect the relavance of subjects, thoughts, possibilities, etc, is absrtact thinking.
Before I say anything else, I will say right off the bat, this ability can be the down fall of women who are not in control of their emotions. That is another blog.
Women use more of their brain than men do when we think about a subject. We're able to rapidly make connections and verbally express them. Sometimes it seems it is happening simultaneously. Some men, and this is not to be mean, like to keep it simple. Then they should choose a simple minded women. Don't reach for the top shelf woman, then fumble with her as you yank her down from the pedastal you've put her on.
I will say I have found a good balance. I have chosen silence to remedy fr actioning his already bruised male ego even more. He reads my silence as distance, when in all actuality I am sparing him the obvious discomfort he feels when he has to "think too much to talk to me."
Why are women attracted to Obama? It is because they know Michelle. We already know she is fluid in thought and words, and he's hanging. He chose a sister from the Southside of Chicago.
We, men and women, have to approach each other as if we were archaeologist. We must allow ourselves to allow our spouse to pick at our bones, down to our souls to really find that which will hold us together. When we allow simple gender specific traits to keep us from getting close to each other, we are either very ignorant, or very selfish. It makes no sense. It is not a legitimate excuse to leave a woman for being female. As her man, if she is flying away in thought, and you aren't ready to leave the ground, that might be a good time to say, "Dear, I really want to understand what you are saying, at this time I'm not making the connection."
If you love her, you will give her that. If it is her just talking to be talking, she'll probably say isn't that important and shut up. At the least you have shown her you were listening. At the most, you just may have to spend a few minutes letting her get it out. But what is wrong with that? If this is the person you want to be with, then you should want them to come to you and be who they are. Think about it.
Anyway, ain't nobody in Louisville ready to take me on. My dreams are huge. My thoughts are rapidly and fluid. I feel the energy of the times. God has revealed so many opportunities. No matter what has gone on in my personal relationships, I have been able to maintain to a great degree. For years I battled with food, but once I woke up and made some better choices I found I could maintain my weight and have done so for over five years now.
I have never compromised my dreams and goals. I never would. I've done a lot of alterations to my personality to stay married. I like how staying married keeps me true to the person I vowed to be. Again, I really wish I could say my staying married had a lot to do with my husband. I do believe God has released me from the marriage to the man I live with, but I have not released me from the vows I took, and as long as I believe I should do what I do, God is with me, no matter who else is, or is not for me.
So, if you don't like that I can think about 95 things and tell you 80 of them in less than 15 minutes, don't talk to me.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
New To the World
My view is simple; I believe children should be taken care of by one of their parents for as long as they can before the age of 6. I have made extreme financial sacrifices to have this happen for my children.
I had my first child at 17, a straight A student, my mother and teachers where disappointed because I had gotten pregnant. The fact I decided not to attend college immediately after high school because I wanted to be the one to rear my daughter, really threw them off.
I am the oldest of five children. I recognized very early what I was missing and that was time with my mother. I always felt like I had to fight for her attention. I made a promise to myself if I ever had children, I would put ample space between them, so they had the impression of being the only child, but actually had the support and love of siblings. It worked for me.
My oldest turned 30 last year, my son will be 19 this April, and my youngest will be 14 in August. My relationship with each of them is remarkable. What is even more remarkable to me is that I figured this out at such an early age. I've given my children the essentials. My last two didn't walk until they were over 18 months old because they were always held. My youngest has never been in Toys-R-Us, because we had learned how keep her entertained. They got their time and where genuinely loved for who they are as people.
When we try to do too much, want too much, we tend to leave things behind because there truly is no way to successfully multi-task. So, if you are planning to have to children have a plan. Get your schooling done before you have them, or wait until they are able to express themselves verbally before you become distracted with too many activities. It is great to want to be involved, but we need to really look and make sure we are not using these activities to shun responsibility or to derail accountability.
Knowing who you are really helps, but is often the component lacking in many of us when we start families. We usually want to live the way we were raised whether consciously, or unconsciously. It is all about priorities. Sometimes kids come during times in our lives when we would rather be doing something else. To me, a child is a sign that everything is going to be alright, if we only let go and truly allow the Universe to guide our hearts and steps.
I had my first child at 17, a straight A student, my mother and teachers where disappointed because I had gotten pregnant. The fact I decided not to attend college immediately after high school because I wanted to be the one to rear my daughter, really threw them off.
I am the oldest of five children. I recognized very early what I was missing and that was time with my mother. I always felt like I had to fight for her attention. I made a promise to myself if I ever had children, I would put ample space between them, so they had the impression of being the only child, but actually had the support and love of siblings. It worked for me.
My oldest turned 30 last year, my son will be 19 this April, and my youngest will be 14 in August. My relationship with each of them is remarkable. What is even more remarkable to me is that I figured this out at such an early age. I've given my children the essentials. My last two didn't walk until they were over 18 months old because they were always held. My youngest has never been in Toys-R-Us, because we had learned how keep her entertained. They got their time and where genuinely loved for who they are as people.
When we try to do too much, want too much, we tend to leave things behind because there truly is no way to successfully multi-task. So, if you are planning to have to children have a plan. Get your schooling done before you have them, or wait until they are able to express themselves verbally before you become distracted with too many activities. It is great to want to be involved, but we need to really look and make sure we are not using these activities to shun responsibility or to derail accountability.
Knowing who you are really helps, but is often the component lacking in many of us when we start families. We usually want to live the way we were raised whether consciously, or unconsciously. It is all about priorities. Sometimes kids come during times in our lives when we would rather be doing something else. To me, a child is a sign that everything is going to be alright, if we only let go and truly allow the Universe to guide our hearts and steps.
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