As much as I believe in marriage, and the importance of doing all you can to stay married. I am finding it difficult not to want to stop the madness.
Relationships are hard. I have been with my husband for 25 years and he is just now understanding how selfish and immature he has been throughout the relationship. He feels like I should be glad that he FINALLY gets it. Instead of relief, I feel, "It's about time." But I'm worn out. As far as he has come, it is still no where near I am.
When you are immature yourself, as I was earlier in the relationship, it doesn't seem like such a big difference, but after doing the Soul Work I needed to do and having grown as much as I have, his declaration upset me.
I want him to be closer to where I am. As a matter of fact, I NEED him to grow more, but I have no control over him, so I have to do what I have to do for me. I can't say I plan to divorce, but something has to give.
Showing posts with label stay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stay. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Bandwagon
A friend of mine and myself are on a mission to help shift the paradigm of divorce. Her book is book two in the Get Out of The Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage series.
The book is at the press as I write this. We have been talking about the reception we receive from people who hear our stories and wonder why we have stayed in our marriages.
We both stay for the same reason. We believe it is what God wants us to do, and our husbands "get" us, and let us be us, unconditionally. These type of men are hard to find. It is rare that you meet anyone who lets you be you, let alone someone who is in an intimate relationship with you. Most people want to change their spouses, but we got lucky, we both found men who do not try to keep us from letting our lights shine.
I won't lie and I have said it before that it means more to me to be able to be me in my marriage than anything else I can imagine. More money would be nice, another car, a bigger and better house, but I don't think I could have a better love. My friend feels the same way. She has been married almost 30 years to the same man. I've been with my husband for 25.
No, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it. We both have a calling on our lives and we have been blessed to meet each other. We will be hosting workshops and forums talking about marriage and relationships. The first one will be held at the Public Library in Louisville, KY on 4th, Monday, April 26th at 7 p.m.
Come check it out. For more information email hazelparish@hotmail.com
The book is at the press as I write this. We have been talking about the reception we receive from people who hear our stories and wonder why we have stayed in our marriages.
We both stay for the same reason. We believe it is what God wants us to do, and our husbands "get" us, and let us be us, unconditionally. These type of men are hard to find. It is rare that you meet anyone who lets you be you, let alone someone who is in an intimate relationship with you. Most people want to change their spouses, but we got lucky, we both found men who do not try to keep us from letting our lights shine.
I won't lie and I have said it before that it means more to me to be able to be me in my marriage than anything else I can imagine. More money would be nice, another car, a bigger and better house, but I don't think I could have a better love. My friend feels the same way. She has been married almost 30 years to the same man. I've been with my husband for 25.
No, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it. We both have a calling on our lives and we have been blessed to meet each other. We will be hosting workshops and forums talking about marriage and relationships. The first one will be held at the Public Library in Louisville, KY on 4th, Monday, April 26th at 7 p.m.
Come check it out. For more information email hazelparish@hotmail.com
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Truth Is
The truth is I am staying in my marriage because I love my husband. As corny as it sounds, it is true. Even with all our differences. Even with all the betrayals, hurts, disappointments, I have to admit; he is the one.
The love I have for him is so pure. It seems so effortless and I don't have to think about reasons why I should or shouldn't. I just go with the fact I recognize I do. I could wish he was different. There was a time early in the relationship that I actually thought I could do something to make him different, but then, who he is became interesting to me. I went from thinking I knew everything about him, to realizing I didn't and that it was best I keep my mouth closed and try to learn him.
The truth is, I'm hooked on a feeling. I am amazed that after 25 years our chemistry is still as strong as it is. Tonight before I left for work I went to him and said, "Dear, I know we have been kidding a lot lately about divorce, but I want you to know, I don't want to be with anyone but you."
He said, "I don't want to be with anybody but you, either." Then he began singing a little song he obviously just made up. "I love you, sometimes I hate you, but I love you." He sang two chorus' and I walked out of the room.
He struggles with his everyday feelings about me. He has a hard time with my moodiness, which is such a shame because I would think he would be used to it now. That just goes to show how people can't stray far from their natures. He is naturally optimistic, and I'm definitely a pessimist at heart, yet we keep finding ways and reasons to show people they don't know about this love.
The love I have for him is so pure. It seems so effortless and I don't have to think about reasons why I should or shouldn't. I just go with the fact I recognize I do. I could wish he was different. There was a time early in the relationship that I actually thought I could do something to make him different, but then, who he is became interesting to me. I went from thinking I knew everything about him, to realizing I didn't and that it was best I keep my mouth closed and try to learn him.
The truth is, I'm hooked on a feeling. I am amazed that after 25 years our chemistry is still as strong as it is. Tonight before I left for work I went to him and said, "Dear, I know we have been kidding a lot lately about divorce, but I want you to know, I don't want to be with anyone but you."
He said, "I don't want to be with anybody but you, either." Then he began singing a little song he obviously just made up. "I love you, sometimes I hate you, but I love you." He sang two chorus' and I walked out of the room.
He struggles with his everyday feelings about me. He has a hard time with my moodiness, which is such a shame because I would think he would be used to it now. That just goes to show how people can't stray far from their natures. He is naturally optimistic, and I'm definitely a pessimist at heart, yet we keep finding ways and reasons to show people they don't know about this love.
Monday, March 1, 2010
On the Outside Looking In
If you are on the outside looking into my marital relationship, you are probably thinking, "Why would she stay?"
People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.
I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.
My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.
He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.
Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.
Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.
It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."
What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.
You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.
They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!
People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.
I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.
My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.
He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.
Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.
Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.
It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."
What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.
You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.
They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Rather Fight than Switch
When I was a kid over 35 years ago, there was a cigarette commercial that feature two cowboys preparing to have a dual in the middle of the street. One was trying to get the other to change his brand of smokes. The other guy proudly stated, "I'd rather fight than switch."
This is the stand we have to take with our marriages. It is so easy to want to give up when things are not like we want them to be, but I am here to tell you that there is no greater victory than that which comes from sticking to your guns and doing the right thing, for the right things sake.
Not many people get married thinking they are going to divorce. Yet, so many marriages end in divorce you would think it was planned from the beginning. What happens is when things hit the marriage, we blame the marriage, when in fact it is normally our inability to deal with our own issues that causes us to lose what we claim to cherish the most.
No matter what, most times if you are married and your marriage fails you are part of the problem. Yes, sometimes one spouse may be more of the problem, but it becomes your problem if you don't recognize it is their personal issue and you try to fix it. We must learn how to be supportive of each other and not try to be their parent, therapist, advisor, etc.
There is a belief held by some people who really believe they are supposed to be everything to their partners, but this is ridiculous. So many marriages fall apart because one or both parties think they know what is best for the other.
We should be on a voyage of discovery in our marriages. We should come into them with wide eyes and truly hopeful thoughts. We should not have high expectations for anyone but ourselves and plan to live up to the vows we couldn't wait to take.
Be honest, be open, keep it real.
This is the stand we have to take with our marriages. It is so easy to want to give up when things are not like we want them to be, but I am here to tell you that there is no greater victory than that which comes from sticking to your guns and doing the right thing, for the right things sake.
Not many people get married thinking they are going to divorce. Yet, so many marriages end in divorce you would think it was planned from the beginning. What happens is when things hit the marriage, we blame the marriage, when in fact it is normally our inability to deal with our own issues that causes us to lose what we claim to cherish the most.
No matter what, most times if you are married and your marriage fails you are part of the problem. Yes, sometimes one spouse may be more of the problem, but it becomes your problem if you don't recognize it is their personal issue and you try to fix it. We must learn how to be supportive of each other and not try to be their parent, therapist, advisor, etc.
There is a belief held by some people who really believe they are supposed to be everything to their partners, but this is ridiculous. So many marriages fall apart because one or both parties think they know what is best for the other.
We should be on a voyage of discovery in our marriages. We should come into them with wide eyes and truly hopeful thoughts. We should not have high expectations for anyone but ourselves and plan to live up to the vows we couldn't wait to take.
Be honest, be open, keep it real.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Still Married
Well, according to my lawyer, the fact the year is wrong on our marriage license means nothing in regards to whether the marriage is legal or not. She said, "That is a minor technicality."
So, the "what if," was put to rest.
My husband said, "Oh well, I thought I was going to get out of this."
I told him, "Dear, no one is holding you. You can leave whenever you want."
"If I get a divorce, are you going to give half of what you get when you make it big?"
"No," I said.
"Well, I'm not going anywhere."
It is so good to know you have someone who believes in you. :)
So, the "what if," was put to rest.
My husband said, "Oh well, I thought I was going to get out of this."
I told him, "Dear, no one is holding you. You can leave whenever you want."
"If I get a divorce, are you going to give half of what you get when you make it big?"
"No," I said.
"Well, I'm not going anywhere."
It is so good to know you have someone who believes in you. :)
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