Look for new and exciting topics. I plan to blog 365 days. Thanks for following. Tell your friends.
Peace
Friday, December 31, 2010
Here We Go
I am completely ready for 2011. I already know what I need to do. I will continue to work on my latest book, BFI: Black Female Intellectual, I am also working on a book with my daughter, Maia. I plan to seek writing positions and be writing full time by the end of 2011.
I will continue to take care of my husband and family.
The biggest challenge? I need to shed 50 pounds in 2011.
I am ready.
Peace
I will continue to take care of my husband and family.
The biggest challenge? I need to shed 50 pounds in 2011.
I am ready.
Peace
The Last Hour of 2010
It is quiet, for right now. They have been shooting in my neighborhood for since 9 p.m. Some of the guns sound like cannons. My husband lay on our bedroom floor in pain and moaning and praying for God to help him. He has been like this for over a week.
He fell out of the chair and began to shake. I covered him with the comforter. He laid there and moaned and cried out and asking why this was happening. Then he stopped and had a blank stair on his face. I yelled for my daughter to call 911. He got very loud and yelled, "No, I ain't going to no hospital. They don't do nothing for me."
"What about us, Jerome?"
"I'm alright baby." He said trying to really sound like he wasn't in pain.
I have no idea why he is torturing himself. I truly don't understand it. He has literally been vomiting for days. He makes gut wrenching sounds that go all through the house, turning every one's stomach. He has everyone taking care of him, helping him off the floor when he falls out, bringing him water, etc.
We all love him, but it is really hard to watch do this to himself. He is convinced he is going to die if he begins dialysis. The pain seems tremendous. I am so conflicted. He gets so angry and argues when I try to convince him to go to the hospital. I don't believe in sitting back and letting others hurt themselves. I'd hate to have to take drastic measures, but I will to save his life.
Even though this is going on, I am still happy and feeling joyous. I have been blessed with the knowledge that I am in control of my feelings and emotions, and although sad, I cannot allow what is going on with my husband to hinder me from enjoying the ride. In this last hour of 2010, I want peace and love. I just hugged my son, who is 19 and made the choice to be at home during this time. Many young men his age are out in the street, or at someones house, or club. He chose to be home. I thanked him for making the right decision.
My youngest is in her room listening to Justin Bieber. My oldest is in her room on the Internet. I am spilling my guts and my husband is throwing up his. We are all together.
I will leave so much behind with this year. I have made quantum leaps in many areas that were holding me back. I am free and at peace. It seriously amazes me at how much I have changed in regards to what I want and think I need. Last night I rocked my husband to sleep twice. He cooed like a newborn, and I felt useful. It blessed me to know my touch soothed him and I felt pleased with myself to know I genuinely wanted to take care of him.
Things could be so different, especially with all we have been through. I could be bitter and hateful. I could take advantage of his weakness and be mean to him and brutal, but I have chosen to love. I am more amazed by this revelation than anyone could imagine. You couldn't have told me that I would have chosen to love someone who has treated me as poorly as he has.
I have worked on myself. I have given myself what I need to be the woman God wants me to be. I am doing what I need to do for me, so my heart is not heavy. I carry no shame, no guilt, no burden that is not my own. I live to learn to love completely and totally just because I can. In this last hour of 2010, I plan to love the new year in.
He fell out of the chair and began to shake. I covered him with the comforter. He laid there and moaned and cried out and asking why this was happening. Then he stopped and had a blank stair on his face. I yelled for my daughter to call 911. He got very loud and yelled, "No, I ain't going to no hospital. They don't do nothing for me."
"What about us, Jerome?"
"I'm alright baby." He said trying to really sound like he wasn't in pain.
I have no idea why he is torturing himself. I truly don't understand it. He has literally been vomiting for days. He makes gut wrenching sounds that go all through the house, turning every one's stomach. He has everyone taking care of him, helping him off the floor when he falls out, bringing him water, etc.
We all love him, but it is really hard to watch do this to himself. He is convinced he is going to die if he begins dialysis. The pain seems tremendous. I am so conflicted. He gets so angry and argues when I try to convince him to go to the hospital. I don't believe in sitting back and letting others hurt themselves. I'd hate to have to take drastic measures, but I will to save his life.
Even though this is going on, I am still happy and feeling joyous. I have been blessed with the knowledge that I am in control of my feelings and emotions, and although sad, I cannot allow what is going on with my husband to hinder me from enjoying the ride. In this last hour of 2010, I want peace and love. I just hugged my son, who is 19 and made the choice to be at home during this time. Many young men his age are out in the street, or at someones house, or club. He chose to be home. I thanked him for making the right decision.
My youngest is in her room listening to Justin Bieber. My oldest is in her room on the Internet. I am spilling my guts and my husband is throwing up his. We are all together.
I will leave so much behind with this year. I have made quantum leaps in many areas that were holding me back. I am free and at peace. It seriously amazes me at how much I have changed in regards to what I want and think I need. Last night I rocked my husband to sleep twice. He cooed like a newborn, and I felt useful. It blessed me to know my touch soothed him and I felt pleased with myself to know I genuinely wanted to take care of him.
Things could be so different, especially with all we have been through. I could be bitter and hateful. I could take advantage of his weakness and be mean to him and brutal, but I have chosen to love. I am more amazed by this revelation than anyone could imagine. You couldn't have told me that I would have chosen to love someone who has treated me as poorly as he has.
I have worked on myself. I have given myself what I need to be the woman God wants me to be. I am doing what I need to do for me, so my heart is not heavy. I carry no shame, no guilt, no burden that is not my own. I live to learn to love completely and totally just because I can. In this last hour of 2010, I plan to love the new year in.
I Knew It
If you have been following me, you know I have been saying that something needed to change, that this is my time, that I was in a waiting pattern, holding on, having faith, and believing. I am at this place. Another apocalypse, (revelation) has happened in my life. I knew I was right to believe in my marriage and to hold on to it no matter how bad it got. What I didn't know was how bad it could get, or that we would be experiencing the horrid torture of chronic illness.
My husband has been suffering for weeks now. I can barely stand to watch, yet something has brightened my perspective. It has come in the form of validation and 25 years of being open to what life has offer.
I knew it. I knew all I had to do was continue to believe what I always have, prayer works.
My husband has been suffering for weeks now. I can barely stand to watch, yet something has brightened my perspective. It has come in the form of validation and 25 years of being open to what life has offer.
I knew it. I knew all I had to do was continue to believe what I always have, prayer works.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Support
I was coaching a woman and she looked at me and said, "Who coaches you? Where do you go for advice?" I looked at her and told her truthfully, "I lean on prayer, intuition, and very few friends."
I have never really had the type of support I've needed. That is one of the downfalls of being strong and capable, people are not apt to see you as someone who needs some help, or guidance. All guidance I have gotten, I have had to seek it out. I have two people in my life that support me greatly. One is a high powered professional always doing her thang, the other is a co-worker who turned out to be someone I could trust with my friendship.
Both these women have strong opinions and are level headed, but most importantly they get me to a great degree, and what they don't get, they wait for it to be revealed, or they just accept me for who I am. I find this to be rare. Most people expect to see themselves in you on some level. They usually reject folk who may not completely hold to the same values as they do. I value very little other than family and friends. Material things are just that things, so I tend not to find too many people who feel comfortable getting to know me on a deeper level.
It is my desire as I pass through this last leg on my journey of life to learn to ask for more support.
I have never really had the type of support I've needed. That is one of the downfalls of being strong and capable, people are not apt to see you as someone who needs some help, or guidance. All guidance I have gotten, I have had to seek it out. I have two people in my life that support me greatly. One is a high powered professional always doing her thang, the other is a co-worker who turned out to be someone I could trust with my friendship.
Both these women have strong opinions and are level headed, but most importantly they get me to a great degree, and what they don't get, they wait for it to be revealed, or they just accept me for who I am. I find this to be rare. Most people expect to see themselves in you on some level. They usually reject folk who may not completely hold to the same values as they do. I value very little other than family and friends. Material things are just that things, so I tend not to find too many people who feel comfortable getting to know me on a deeper level.
It is my desire as I pass through this last leg on my journey of life to learn to ask for more support.
Liberation
I have a dancing spirit. My body loves music and rhythm. I have to dance. I just do. Dancing is something I am very good at and has always been. For as long as I can remember, music has soothed and moved me.
I am an energetic eclectic dancer. I don't do line dance, and have had problems with any dance routine I have tried to master. I simply like to just be free to move however the music wants me to. No hesitation, no inhibitions. I love to dance.
I remember when Madonna's "Get In the Groove," came out. She hit my right at my soul with the line, "Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free." That said it all and it is so true. I like dancing by myself, even when I am at a club. Partners have expectations, I just want to dance.
I have this beautiful book of poetry titled, "Room to Dance," I cry when I read the poetry.
I am an energetic eclectic dancer. I don't do line dance, and have had problems with any dance routine I have tried to master. I simply like to just be free to move however the music wants me to. No hesitation, no inhibitions. I love to dance.
I remember when Madonna's "Get In the Groove," came out. She hit my right at my soul with the line, "Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free." That said it all and it is so true. I like dancing by myself, even when I am at a club. Partners have expectations, I just want to dance.
I have this beautiful book of poetry titled, "Room to Dance," I cry when I read the poetry.
Room to Dance
Incompletes.
Obstacles,
I turn away
Never arriving
on the other side.
Withholds.
Emotions,
Crammed in
the closet becoming
Too stuffed to open.
History.
Waste
from the past,
Littering my niche
I carry it with me,
Never
letting go.
Circumstances.
Clutter,
Infinite excuses why
What I have
is not
What I want.
No clear path
through the
Disorienting chaos
I wander
tripping
stumbling
falling.
I choose.
The Rhythm of Life
seduces me
into motion
Move by move, I
Complete
Reveal
Let Go
Engage.
Clearing the space,
Creating
Room to Dance.
Wow! This poem moves me, explains me, is me. I love the entire book. Dance has been my friend and I am eternally grateful. I have to move.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Control Freaks
People who try to control every situation usually find themselves not well liked by others. Most often they are not aware how much people despise them because they are too involved in affairs that do not concern them, or trying to figure out how to maneuver circumstances to fit their agenda.
When folk feel like they have to control things outside of themselves, they are usually running away from themselves. They are afraid to manage their own lives and ready and willing to tell everyone else what they should and shouldn't do with theirs.
Or, they actually manipulate situations, instigate discord among others, or they withhold love and other needs from others until they do what they want them to do.
I am sick of control freaks. I really wish they would get a life.
When folk feel like they have to control things outside of themselves, they are usually running away from themselves. They are afraid to manage their own lives and ready and willing to tell everyone else what they should and shouldn't do with theirs.
Or, they actually manipulate situations, instigate discord among others, or they withhold love and other needs from others until they do what they want them to do.
I am sick of control freaks. I really wish they would get a life.
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