"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." Janis Joplin
I know, I know. She killed herself with drugs, but that doesn't mean she didn't have something worthwhile to say. She was right, which she learned; if you compromise yourself, you may not be able to comeback from whatever you gave yourself up to.
It is important we recognize when we are compromising ourselves. There are times when compromise is necessary, especially in marriage, but even then there are limitations. What is happening is many people give up so much of who they are without any true understanding of what they are giving up. Then, when they go inside themselves they find nothingness and loneliness. They look up and everyone they have given to have taken and gone. They are left to figure out how to get what they need. Oftentimes, they have to do without because they have compromised too much. When you lay down for people, they have a hard time when you try to get up on your feet.
Know who you are. Know why you want and need. Find a way to get it and learn to say no.
Showing posts with label smart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label smart. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Problem Solving
Did you know there are six steps to problem solving? I know many people don't know that. They think drinking a glass of wine and worrying will solve their problems. They think telling everyone they know will help them find the answer. They think running to the arms of someone other than their spouse will solve the problem.
Well here are the six steps to solving problems:
1. Defind the problem-Get a clear idea of what the problem really is. Oftentimes, we don't really understand the issue at hand.
2. Generate possible solutions-You hear people say, after making a stupid decision, "Well, I thought I had no other choice." People limit themselves when it comes to possible solutions to the problems of their lives when in fact there are usually at least four or five solutions that are viable.
3. Evaluate the solutions-Take time to figure out if the solution will be a win/win for all involved.
4. Making the decision-After going over the possiblities, one solution may stick out more than another. If you are still having trouble with the solution, rework it until one clearly seems to be the answer.
5. Determine the implementation-Figure out how you are going to execute your solution. Figure out who is going to do what and follow up until it is done.
6. Assessing the success-Is the problem solved? Are you satisfied with the solution?
Taking the time to use these steps will make a difference when problems arise.
5.
Well here are the six steps to solving problems:
1. Defind the problem-Get a clear idea of what the problem really is. Oftentimes, we don't really understand the issue at hand.
2. Generate possible solutions-You hear people say, after making a stupid decision, "Well, I thought I had no other choice." People limit themselves when it comes to possible solutions to the problems of their lives when in fact there are usually at least four or five solutions that are viable.
3. Evaluate the solutions-Take time to figure out if the solution will be a win/win for all involved.
4. Making the decision-After going over the possiblities, one solution may stick out more than another. If you are still having trouble with the solution, rework it until one clearly seems to be the answer.
5. Determine the implementation-Figure out how you are going to execute your solution. Figure out who is going to do what and follow up until it is done.
6. Assessing the success-Is the problem solved? Are you satisfied with the solution?
Taking the time to use these steps will make a difference when problems arise.
5.
Monday, March 1, 2010
On the Outside Looking In
If you are on the outside looking into my marital relationship, you are probably thinking, "Why would she stay?"
People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.
I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.
My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.
He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.
Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.
Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.
It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."
What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.
You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.
They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!
People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.
I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.
My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.
He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.
Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.
Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.
It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."
What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.
You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.
They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Jenny Sanford
I just watched the interview with First Lady of North Carolina, Jenny Sanford. I am proud of her. Even though she could have stayed with her husband, she was smart enough to realize you can't make someone love you if they don't.
He clearly got on national TV and said he was "trying to fall back in love with my wife." He cried and called the other woman his "soulmate." He talked about having feelings he had never had before. He completely left her no choice but to divorce him.
Women have backbones and we need to use them more. We'll fight to the death to get new living room furniture, or a new outfit, but when a man lets you know he doesn't love you, you had better run, because if he stays and he's already gone, you will pay.
Jenny Sanford is smart. She knows she has to take advantage of this time to rebuild her life without him. She is right, he is lost. He is steeped in spiritual warfare and it was more than obvious during anytime he was interviewed about his marital status.
But wait, he told her these days were coming from the moment they married. He insisted the word faithful be taken out of the wedding vows. She felt he didn't have to say it to mean it. As long as he wanted to marry her, she was okay. He didn't want to say it, because he didn't mean it then, and he doesn't mean it now.
We have to listen. We must pay attention to what men are saying to us and stop wanting to believe what we think they are saying. She could have saved herself a lot of heartache had she waited on a man who knew he wanted to be faithful. I am not saying the man wouldn't have been unfaithful down the line, life does change us, but at least he would have started out on the right foot. Mark Sanford knew from the beginning he was not going to be faithful.
She was impressed by the pages of goals he had for himself as far as how he would make a living etc. What she should have been focusing on was who he was at the time, but all this is after the fact and now she gets start over with a clean slate and a true feeling of freedom because she did what was in her best interest.
It would be a nightmare to live with someone who didn't love you and publicly announced it. even for the sake of the kids. In this case, divorce really was the only answer. He had completely taken her for granted as illustrated by him constantly asking her permission to go see his mistress. Wow! Out of all the things I've heard, that is the hardest to believe. How could he? He knows something about her that she didn't know about herself for him to even think it was okay to ask her that question.
Listen to what they are saying. Pay attention, the signs are always there.
Peace
He clearly got on national TV and said he was "trying to fall back in love with my wife." He cried and called the other woman his "soulmate." He talked about having feelings he had never had before. He completely left her no choice but to divorce him.
Women have backbones and we need to use them more. We'll fight to the death to get new living room furniture, or a new outfit, but when a man lets you know he doesn't love you, you had better run, because if he stays and he's already gone, you will pay.
Jenny Sanford is smart. She knows she has to take advantage of this time to rebuild her life without him. She is right, he is lost. He is steeped in spiritual warfare and it was more than obvious during anytime he was interviewed about his marital status.
But wait, he told her these days were coming from the moment they married. He insisted the word faithful be taken out of the wedding vows. She felt he didn't have to say it to mean it. As long as he wanted to marry her, she was okay. He didn't want to say it, because he didn't mean it then, and he doesn't mean it now.
We have to listen. We must pay attention to what men are saying to us and stop wanting to believe what we think they are saying. She could have saved herself a lot of heartache had she waited on a man who knew he wanted to be faithful. I am not saying the man wouldn't have been unfaithful down the line, life does change us, but at least he would have started out on the right foot. Mark Sanford knew from the beginning he was not going to be faithful.
She was impressed by the pages of goals he had for himself as far as how he would make a living etc. What she should have been focusing on was who he was at the time, but all this is after the fact and now she gets start over with a clean slate and a true feeling of freedom because she did what was in her best interest.
It would be a nightmare to live with someone who didn't love you and publicly announced it. even for the sake of the kids. In this case, divorce really was the only answer. He had completely taken her for granted as illustrated by him constantly asking her permission to go see his mistress. Wow! Out of all the things I've heard, that is the hardest to believe. How could he? He knows something about her that she didn't know about herself for him to even think it was okay to ask her that question.
Listen to what they are saying. Pay attention, the signs are always there.
Peace
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