The Space I'm In

I'm in a space I really haven't experienced before. I haven't found the words to explain it except to say I know who I am.

I am in control of my mind. As the thoughts come up, I filter them immediately. I am no longer trapped by my feelings and waning moods. I have become able to talk myself out of most bad feelings. This is very surprising to me. I grew up highly sensitive. I experienced high levels of negativity and often perceived most people's responses to me as negative.

Now, I am just the opposite. I rarely, if at all think about what others think about me. If someone does say something negative, I truly feel they have the right to their opinion and do not give it more attention than that. This space I'm in is so perfect in so many ways. The most important is I am aware of the fact that I am aware.

I love the space I'm in.

So Many of Us

So many of us are lost in this life. Not because we have to be, but because when we put forth the half efforts that we do to transform our lives we give up.

My husband gave me the best compliment when he asked me, "Do you ever give up?"

That made me feel triumphant. I knew I had reached him whether it benefited him or not. He knew I didn't give up on him or anything else in my life. So many of us can't make others see who we are because we don't let ourselves see it either. I spent the last 26 years really working on me and it paid off in the long run.

So many of us want others to make us happy. We think by getting married and having kids that everything will fall into place. It does, years after you have built the foundation and have built upon it. Having been in a long-term relationship I can truly say things did get better with time.

If you want things in your life to be different, you have to make it happen. So many of us forget this.

Even When It Is Right

Sometimes even when what you have to do is right, it still causes you hurt and pain. Although I know for sure, my husband and I being separated is really better for him, it hurts. I wasn't playing a game, or lying to myself and others when I said I loved my husband and was willing to live with and take care of him until death did us part.

Even though that is the right thing to do, trying to do it with the wrong person is extremely difficult. Difficult does not really explain how hard it was to love him. Yet, with the help of our Creator, I was able to. I was able to look at him at times and feel all bubbly inside and actually be thankful for him allowing me to accompany him on his journey.

He couldn't handle the sincerity, the honesty, the unconditional love. It seemed the more pleasant I was, the worse he got. The more I did for him, the less he was willing to accept it. It became more prevalent within the last few months. All of a sudden, he stopped asking for help. He would come and stand over me when he wanted something trying to get my attention. I began to ignore this behavior and even told him at times, "please use your words."

After a while, it began to get annoying, his refusal to ask for what he needed. I had to confront him about it. The look on his face told me I was right, he was deliberately trying to act like he didn't need me. Even when it is right, the thing your doing, it can go wrong.

All my love and care. All the time I spent working on my responses, thinking before I acted, was too much for him. He would mention the changes, but he refused to accept them. He couldn't allow himself to be loved.

He was shocked to discover I was not the woman he had portrayed me to be. He had denied the truth for so long, until he was believing his own warped thoughts. When it was completely revealed that I was not the mean, vindictive, spiteful bitch he always claimed, that made him even madder, because he couldn't realistically be the asshole he wanted to be.

He found away to unleash the asshole and now we are no more. Even when it is right, it can go so wrong.

WMHTM-10

Marriage taught me how to be compassionate. Since my husband had such an issue maturing, I had a hard time feeling compassion for him. I felt if I could do it, he could too. I had no compassion for how he was raised, his plight in life, or his limitations. I loved him, so he should be perfect.

Marriage made me look at my perfectionism and rid myself of it. Marriage helped me know that no one is like me and that I should be grateful and spend time working on my problems, finding ways to keep my limitations from holding me back, and doing what I could to grow and become the person I knew I was meant to be.

I had to learn to love my husband where he was, no matter what I thought of it. I had to live and let live.

It Is Hard

We all want the best for ourselves. None of us want to be miserable, unloved, unlovable, but many of us are. We want to think it has to do with others, but if we took the time to look at ourselves we would discover it is hard to be good to ourselves, especially if we are women.

I have made a promise to myself I intend to keep. For the most part, I have maintained a healthy lifestyle. I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I monitor who I spend time with, I have designed a life that suits my personality, which allows me to experience very little stress. Yet, I find it hard to do what is in my best interest. Not because I don't want to deep down, but because it is hard to change and evolve.

We can get so comfortable with our lives whether they are good or bad. We are creatures of habit and would rather things stay the same, rather than have to adjust to change. Years ago I recognized how mentally unhealthy unwillingness to change can be. I began purposely transforming myself because I wanted to be open to life and all it has to offer. I am successful as I am because I stopped long enough to examine me. I accepted my limitations and focused on my strengths and I was able to make changes and adjustments that allows me to experience lower levels of stress.

It is hard to be the people we think we want to be, but it is so worth the effort. There is a peace that comes with effort we often overlook. We all desire to be useful, but rarely think about if we are being useful to ourselves. Although it is hard, looking at yourself is the only freedom you really have. Knowing you are good and doing good is it's own reward. Do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing. Peace

Damaged Soul

The work I do, working with emotionally challenged teen aged females, has afforded me the knowledge that sometimes the damage is done and there is no looking back.
This is the case with my husband. At 50 years old, he is just as lost and unstable as he was 10, 15, 20 years ago.

He has never sought the help needed to deal with the spiritual warfare he has been in for years. He has such a mean spirit and it shows itself at the wrong time all the time. He has low impulse control, and is unable to accept when he is wrong, especially when he is wrong. He immediately projects unto others, that which is clearly his and feels that he deserves grace, whether he is willing to give it or not.

Even though he is very sick, I do not bite my tongue with him. While he is alive he needs to try to be a better person. And yes, I do feel I am in his life to be mirror for some of his madness. I have no problem reflecting what he projects so he can see how ugly he can be at times.

I really think things have been going too well for him. He can't stand things going right. It never fails that he does something stupid to mess everything up. He is such a damaged soul.

I Do

I do think highly of myself. Yes, I really do. I know what I have had to overcome and is still overcoming everyday. I also know folk who haven't experienced I 1/3 of what I have and have killed themselves. I am beyond a survivor, I have learned how to live.

I have wanted to be a writer since I was 10 years old. I remember telling my classmates my plans back in the fourth grade. Of course they all told me I wouldn't be going anywhere and most definitely would not be famous. When I went to high school, I found I was multi-talented. A triple threat and some if I may say so myself. I sing, dance, act, write, perform stand-up, cook, publish. I have lived the life I knew I would. Even in high school, I didn't view having money as being successful. I knew I would be successful if I got the chance to live they way I always dreamed of and that is being at peace in every situation.

I knew back then that doing what I loved was all that really mattered. I knew of people who were miserable on their jobs, but felt trapped, or were uneducated, or really just had no desire to go beyond what felt comfortable at the time. My ambitious spirit never lets me rest and I do feel it has been a great asset, but I have also recognized how it could take me down, if I let it.

I do feel good about the fact I learned that maintaining a balanced life is the best way to get the best out of life. I actually fill great about the fact I learned this in my thirties and was able to practice it to the point I could see the benefits in my life. I do feel some pride over tackling the devil within and showing her up to be the liar she is. There was something deeply self-destructive inside of me. I purged her and yes, I do feel good about that.

Learning more about me has helped to save my marriage. I found I didn't care about a lot of things I once thought I did, so therefore there was no need to argue or have discord over stuff that doesn't matter. Of course this made me much easier to get along and live with. All these little things added up and now I can say without a doubt, I do have myself together.

So Tired

I must admit I am tired of thinking about my marriage and constantly checking its pulse for signs of life. For the most part I'm cool, but the work that has to go into keeping things that way is amazing, yet necessary.

Still, I'm tired and I'm gonna take a break.

Personal Power

Increase your personal power by:

1. Listening--is the ability to hear what is being said and get the message behind the words. Developing the ability to encourage more information and to successfully understand what is being said. "I hear you saying you are not pleased with your assignment. Could be please tell me exactly what parts of the assignment bother you?"
2. Speaking Clearly and directly--Develop the ability to deliver a clear statement with no hidden messages. We must understand our own feelings and motivations in order to clarify and send direct messages.
3. Verbal and nonverbal congruence--develop the ability to support verbal statements with nonverbal behaviors that deliver the same message. (The look on your face should match what you say."
4. Setting limits--Develop the ability to set priorities and refuse to spend time on things and people that interfere with those priorities.
5. Making requests--Develop the ability to ask clearly, persistently and persuasively for the ting we want.
6. Managing conflict--Develop the ability to sort through the facts, behaviors and feelings of a difficult situation. In managing conflict it is especially important to separate facts from assumptions and present feelings from prior history. Managing conflict is a two-way communication process, and the sender of the message should always wait to hear the perceptions and feelings of the recipient. The next step is to move on to what we want the other person to do.
7. Negotiating--Develop the ability to give and take. Negotiating requires entering situations with a clear idea of what you want and what you don't ant, as well as paying attention to the needs, concerns and interests of the other party.
8. Motivating--Develop the ability to assess what is important to the people around you. Praise, reward, compliments, money, recognition, visibility and feedback are all excellent motivators. It takes observation and assessment to choose the one that best meets the needs of all. The best motivator is to catch people doing the right thing. We are so used to only responding to negative actions, that when someone does something right we tend to ignore them. When we praise them for what they have done right, they are likely to behave in a positive manner again.

People skills can be taught, identified, analyzed, learned and mastered. Practice makes perfect.

Problem Solving

Did you know there are six steps to problem solving? I know many people don't know that. They think drinking a glass of wine and worrying will solve their problems. They think telling everyone they know will help them find the answer. They think running to the arms of someone other than their spouse will solve the problem.

Well here are the six steps to solving problems:

1. Defind the problem-Get a clear idea of what the problem really is. Oftentimes, we don't really understand the issue at hand.
2. Generate possible solutions-You hear people say, after making a stupid decision, "Well, I thought I had no other choice." People limit themselves when it comes to possible solutions to the problems of their lives when in fact there are usually at least four or five solutions that are viable.
3. Evaluate the solutions-Take time to figure out if the solution will be a win/win for all involved.
4. Making the decision-After going over the possiblities, one solution may stick out more than another. If you are still having trouble with the solution, rework it until one clearly seems to be the answer.
5. Determine the implementation-Figure out how you are going to execute your solution. Figure out who is going to do what and follow up until it is done.
6. Assessing the success-Is the problem solved? Are you satisfied with the solution?

Taking the time to use these steps will make a difference when problems arise.
5.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

The best thing I have ever done for my marriage is to learn when to keep my mouth shut. It was a time I felt as though I had to say something about just about everything. I was going to make sure my opinion and voice were heard.

I learned that in marriage a lot of what we verbalize tends to be negative. When is the last time you told your spouse how wonderful they are? When was the last time you congratulated them, or even given them a positive nod?

We must learn when to say what we think needs to be said and understand that how we say it matters the most. In our marriages, we must make the committment to uplift and encourage as much as we can. Marriage is a long-term operation. If we develop the habit of verbalizing every slight, we will create a hostile in the environment we need to find the most peace, our homes.

Think before you speak, or just don't speak at all. Sometimes saying nothing speaks louder than any words ever could.

I've Grown

I truly feel adult. I feel confident and capable and self-aware. I feel me. I feel as though I've grown.

Bandwagon

A friend of mine and myself are on a mission to help shift the paradigm of divorce. Her book is book two in the Get Out of The Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage series.

The book is at the press as I write this. We have been talking about the reception we receive from people who hear our stories and wonder why we have stayed in our marriages.

We both stay for the same reason. We believe it is what God wants us to do, and our husbands "get" us, and let us be us, unconditionally. These type of men are hard to find. It is rare that you meet anyone who lets you be you, let alone someone who is in an intimate relationship with you. Most people want to change their spouses, but we got lucky, we both found men who do not try to keep us from letting our lights shine.

I won't lie and I have said it before that it means more to me to be able to be me in my marriage than anything else I can imagine. More money would be nice, another car, a bigger and better house, but I don't think I could have a better love. My friend feels the same way. She has been married almost 30 years to the same man. I've been with my husband for 25.

No, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it. We both have a calling on our lives and we have been blessed to meet each other. We will be hosting workshops and forums talking about marriage and relationships. The first one will be held at the Public Library in Louisville, KY on 4th, Monday, April 26th at 7 p.m.

Come check it out. For more information email hazelparish@hotmail.com

Needs

We all have needs. We all need to learn to meet as many of them as we possibly can if we want to be happy.

No one can love you like you can love yourself. Give yourself a chance. Meet your own needs whenever possible.

On the Outside Looking In

If you are on the outside looking into my marital relationship, you are probably thinking, "Why would she stay?"

People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.

I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.

My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.

He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.

Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.

Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.

It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."

What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.

You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.

They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!

Tiger by the Tail

Last night I had a talk with a 26 year old young woman with a four year old son. She was looking at the first book in the series Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage! She began to talk about "we", so I questioned if there was a man in her life. Not only did she not have a man, she didn't have the prospect of one. This set me off and began what ended up with me bombarding her with information, which surprisingly, she was able to absorb.

Yes, I get very passionate when it comes to marriage. A lot of the reason stems from the reality that woman have been getting away with too much for too long. Some of our behaviors getting pregnant to get a man, getting pregnant to keep a man, lying about being pregnant, purposely breaking up homes, making up imaginary scenarios, expecting men to read our minds, lying to ourselves about who we are, having misguided, outdated, and never true beliefs. The list could go on and on.

I am not here to bagger, or belittle. I want to uplift women and help men understand they need to step up if they want to stay married. This whole thing with Tiger Woods is a prime example of why our marriages fail. Many of us are not mature enough to get married. My God Tiger, what more do you want? You had the blondest, bluest eyed wife, who looked great in a bikini. You have a billion dollars. You are the best at your chosen profession. What is missing that would allow you to jeapordize it all, for meaningless sex?

It happens everyday. I submit our men are hurting just as much as we are. Women, it is time we recognize their sensitive side and encourage them to be vulnerable with us. Men, instead of seeking comfort outside the home, give your spouse a chance. Teach us how to love you and we will do the same.