Waiting On David

As tortured and as painful as my marriage has been, staying has made me zealous believer in the beauty of marriage. It has been six months since my husband has messed up any money. I couldn't hold back; I asked, "What has changed, you don't go to the boat any more?"

"I don't have any money," he replied.

He has the same amount he always has. Something has changed in him, for the better. He readily admitted, "OH, I've thought about, now."

But he didn't go.

I'm still waiting on David.

Empathy-Part Four

Men overload on aggression. I am completely floored every time I hear about a man being violent towards a woman. Most times I tend to want to believe that nothing, outside of being physically attacked, should be able to provoke a man to hit a woman.

I am talking about the attacks men display against women just because they can't control their need to strike. Men are aggressive and when they are wrong, they are more likely to be highly aggressive due to being unable to accept they are at fault for the feelings they are having.

In the book, Fire In The Belly: On Being A Man by Sam Keen, it states, "Men live under constant dread of being labeled a sissy , a weakling. a wimp, a queer. Most everywhere they live under pressure, stress, and the constant need to prove themselves by establishing mastery in the arenas of war, work, and women, a near universal creed linking manhood with socially necessary activities of protecting, providing, and procreating."

What he is saying is men all over the world have associated conquering others, their work, and the women in their lives, and have somehow made them a part of what it means to be a man, while simultaneously connecting the for mentioned with being protectors, providers, and the maker of babies. As we know, they are failing miserably and their level of aggression is getting worse toward women.

Men are killing their wives and babies and thinking nothing of it. A lot of times these men have wronged their family and their reign of terror is being threatened, because if the effects of the passage mention earlier, their role confusion assist them in making the wrong choice. So many are stuck in these holding patterns. Their women, because they don't understand how a man thinks, often misses the cues, and before you know it; he has an explosion and she never say it coming.

It is unfortunate so many males are not taught to express their feelings, or to even recognize they have them. The spend so much energy trying to prove themselves, they seldom get to be themselves, unless it is to express some negative aspect of their personality.

I know a lot of women who were upset by Steve Harvey's book, Think Like A Man: Act Like A Lady. To those women who do not understand the importance of trying to understand another, know that you will never be understood. You have to give what you want to get back in intimate relationships. Until we learn and practice this we will never have what we want.

We have to find more empathy for the human male species.

He Don't Like Women

When men don't like women, they are usually afraid of them. They don't understand the females, thus they are disparaging and condescending.

Ask yourself:

1. Does he believe woman was born to serve and service man?
2. Does he "own" her?
3. Is he born to give her orders?
4. Is she supposed to obey him?
5. Is woman innately dumb? Without opinions worth listening to.
6. What are his attitudes about shared responsibilities, about decision making, household and child-rearing chores, job-holding and how the money is used?
7. if dinner isn't on the table at 6:02, will he help or hit?
8. How secure is he? Is he so insecure that he's go to devalue his mate in order to inflate his ego?
9. Does he make a show of being supersecure, taking command of situations and people? The woman in his life--does she feel that as long as she's nearly perfect, everything will be all right? What will happen if she's herself? What is he like when he's angry? When he hears a differing viewpoint?
10. What is know about violence in his family? Ask, are you afraid too?

Many women do not know their husbands family history. He may not be willing to tell you that his dad beat his mom every night. Women need to know that no one has the right to abuse another person. Everyone has the right to develop into the person they are meant to be, to make changes and decisions about their own lives. We all have the right to our own thoughts and feelings and to learn new ways of thinking and behaving.

If you are in a bad situation, know this:

1. I do not cause another person's violent behavior.
2. I do not like or want to be beaten.
3. I do not have to take it.
4. I am an important human being.
5. I deserve to be treated with respect.
6. I do have power over my own life.
7. I can use my power to take good care of myself.
8. I can decide what is best for me.
9. I can make changes in my life if I want to.
10. I am not alone; I can ask others for help.
11. I am worth working for and changing for.
12. I deserve a safe and healthy life.
13. I have the right to live in the safety and calm of a violence free home
14. I have the right to personal happiness without interference.I have the right to live in my own house without being molested or injured.

1. 
   

Ain't No Body!

I'm putting it down this morning. Let me say this, even if I were to get a divorce, it wouldn't be in hopes of finding a man who treats me differently than my husband does. At this point in our relationship, my husband's problems with me completely have to do with how he feels about himself. Because, after over 25 years of what he has brought to the relationship has made me stronger, he has foiled. He thought who he was would cause me to be other than who I am. He only thought this because he doesn't recognize me for who I am. I only exist to him in relation to what he needs.

I know, this sounds so awful. But I will press you, (and I won't have to do it too hard), to look at the relationships in your life and tell me how many are equal, balanced, where everyone is giving exactly what they are giving. Please send all list to wanda@goosecreekpublishers.com.

Anyway, men need to get off it. They are just as bad as we are when it comes down to letting the other be who they are. Next to coming to an understanding and agreeable, recognizing genders specific traits is paramount to being able to have a smooth functioning relationship.

Things get rough when we try to understand the opposite sex from our perspective. Men are men and they do male things. There are things that only relate to the male species. A woman will not know what it means to be a man, nor can he know what it fundamentally means to be a woman.

What we can do is respect the differences enough to live with the opposite sex.

One of my husbands biggest problems with me is that we can start at A and end up at Z in less than a minute. It all depends on the subject. Most men, on their best day, can't do this, most do not even desire to try, but they grow to resent the women's ability to do it. Any man who has a woman whose mind is as flexible as mine, has made the same complaint, "We will be talking about one thing, then before I know it we're over here. I'm like, what does this have to do with anything?"

To that I say, don't get mad at us because your mind functions best for you in the concrete. The technical term for a women's ability to connect the relavance of subjects, thoughts, possibilities, etc, is absrtact thinking.

Before I say anything else, I will say right off the bat, this ability can be the down fall of women who are not in control of their emotions. That is another blog.

Women use more of their brain than men do when we think about a subject. We're able to rapidly make connections and verbally express them. Sometimes it seems it is happening simultaneously. Some men, and this is not to be mean, like to keep it simple. Then they should choose a simple minded women. Don't reach for the top shelf woman, then fumble with her as you yank her down from the pedastal you've put her on.

I will say I have found a good balance. I have chosen silence to remedy fr actioning his already bruised male ego even more. He reads my silence as distance, when in all actuality I am sparing him the obvious discomfort he feels when he has to "think too much to talk to me."

Why are women attracted to Obama? It is because they know Michelle. We already know she is fluid in thought and words, and he's hanging. He chose a sister from the Southside of Chicago.

We, men and women, have to approach each other as if we were archaeologist. We must allow ourselves to allow our spouse to pick at our bones, down to our souls to really find that which will hold us together. When we allow simple gender specific traits to keep us from getting close to each other, we are either very ignorant, or very selfish. It makes no sense. It is not a legitimate excuse to leave a woman for being female. As her man, if she is flying away in thought, and you aren't ready to leave the ground, that might be a good time to say, "Dear, I really want to understand what you are saying, at this time I'm not making the connection."

If you love her, you will give her that. If it is her just talking to be talking, she'll probably say isn't that important and shut up. At the least you have shown her you were listening. At the most, you just may have to spend a few minutes letting her get it out. But what is wrong with that? If this is the person you want to be with, then you should want them to come to you and be who they are. Think about it.

Anyway, ain't nobody in Louisville ready to take me on. My dreams are huge. My thoughts are rapidly and fluid. I feel the energy of the times. God has revealed so many opportunities. No matter what has gone on in my personal relationships, I have been able to maintain to a great degree. For years I battled with food, but once I woke up and made some better choices I found I could maintain my weight and have done so for over five years now.

I have never compromised my dreams and goals. I never would. I've done a lot of alterations to my personality to stay married. I like how staying married keeps me true to the person I vowed to be. Again, I really wish I could say my staying married had a lot to do with my husband. I do believe God has released me from the marriage to the man I live with, but I have not released me from the vows I took, and as long as I believe I should do what I do, God is with me, no matter who else is, or is not for me.

So, if you don't like that I can think about 95 things and tell you 80 of them in less than 15 minutes, don't talk to me.

Still Married

Well, according to my lawyer, the fact the year is wrong on our marriage license means nothing in regards to whether the marriage is legal or not. She said, "That is a minor technicality."

So, the "what if," was put to rest.

My husband said, "Oh well, I thought I was going to get out of this."

I told him, "Dear, no one is holding you. You can leave whenever you want."

"If I get a divorce, are you going to give half of what you get when you make it big?"

"No," I said.

"Well, I'm not going anywhere."

It is so good to know you have someone who believes in you. :)