Thursday, November 28, 2013

God's Will Be Done

He turned 53 today. God is amazing.

When you look at his life the last five years, you wonder how a person could endure so much. My heart goes out to him, yet I do not want to spend any time with him. I now fully understand why things happened the way they did. God knew I needed to be prepared to handle the inevitable. I was so involved in my relationship with him. I was wanting was badly for us to work. I was trying to force my will. God knew best.

I will always love him, but I will never love him again. I truly wish him well and want only the best for him. If it is what he wants, I hope he does love again. He is someone who needs the opportunity to learn to love.

I believe in love. I believe in marriage.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

What Can Marriage Do For You?

What can marriage do for you?
Well, I am so glad  you asked. Marriage is a character reveler and/or builder. I know I would not be the woman I am today had I not married the man I did. Our union tested ever belief, conviction and thought I had about what marriage was about.

I learned humility, compassion, self-love, and my self-esteem grew during my marriage. I learned to be quiet and that I should pick my battles and that love, true love does not hurt.

Marriage can help you decided what kind of life you want to live, how you want your children to be reared and whether or not you are the person you say you want to be.

My marriage consistently challenged me to look at myself in every situation and decided if I was being who I really wanted to be. Marriage gave me permission to explore my sensuality and unleash my sexuality.

Marriage challenges your ego to surrender for the sake of another. It gives your heart the needed exercise when you focus on an other's happiness. Marriage gives you someone for you. That partner who says, "I want to see you smile. What can I do to make you smile today?"

If you have someone in your life willing to let you be you and love you anyway, you need to kiss the very ground they walk on cause you have found a good thing.

Marriage is for those ready to grow, give, live and love.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

No Need to Explain

I have no true need to explain why I stayed with my husband as long as I did. I will say I am glad I did and the reasons are so many until I probably could write about them for a lifetime.

I grew in my marriage. I was blessed enough to recognize and take advantage of the opportunity to be a better person than I was before I entered the union. My husband stretched every fiber in my being. He was demanding, belittling, disrespectful and unavailable, yet he actually made efforts to be the opposite of all those things throughout our time together.

I learned I could love a difficult personality. I learned I could allow a person to be who the are and not expect anything from them. I learned how to fully invest in another for their own gain and happiness. I learned how to keep my mouth shut and choose my battles. I learned how cook healthier meals, I learned how to care for a diabetic, renal patient with high blood pressure. I learned what makes me a good wife and mother. I learned how to be grateful for what I have. I learned humility and compassion which were two of the greatest gifts.

I do not need to explain why I stayed in what looked like a toxic environment. As it turned out, it was what I needed to grow and I accept whatever implications go along with that fact. The most important thing is I am a whole person full of love and awareness ready for whatever God has in store for the rest of this journey.

Monday, November 25, 2013

I Don't Recognize Her

I barely recognize the woman I was when I was active in my marriage. The best I can describe it is to compare myself to Adam Sandler's character in the movie "Click."

I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.

It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.

I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.

This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.

Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Clearly The Last Days

My estranged husband is experiencing a horrific existence and I cannot and will not ride along throughout the final days.
I invested heavily in him and our marriage during the time we were active. I gave 100%. I was never one to believe in 50/50. The song Teddy Pendergrass sang never made sense to me. I always thought to myself, "How can a whole person only give half of themselves to the person they love?"

So glad i gave my whole self to my husband and the marriage because after being separated for two years and watching the living hell he is experiencing, hindsight is 20/20.

he feels sorry for himself and it is so hard to watch. He is still, five years later in complete denial about why he is where he is today.

Diabetes is a disease of obesity. We both were addicted to food. For him, there were some things he did not fully understand about his family history, plus his lifestyle that made it inevitable he would end up this way if he did not take control of his impulses.

High blood pressure is related to stress in a great way. His lifestyle was reckless. He was purely a I will do it what I want type of guy.

I won't lie; I was intrigued by this attitude. He surely helped bring me out of my shell and when he used his talents in the proper way, he was exciting and fun. We had a lot of fun and did a lot of things.
But, he really did not care. He did not love himself, believe in himself in a positive way, or have any true belief in God. Although when I met him, he was going to church every Sunday, I soon discovered it was a sham. He was only going for show. As a matter of fact, nothing was sincere about him except his desire to go over and slide by. A true con man.

As of last week, he has had four strokes, at least five true heart attacks, both legs removed, left arm not functional, right arm barely functional, lost finger on right hand, kidney failure,Aorta valve replaced, stint put in his basal artery.

God's will be done.