Saturday, April 21, 2012

It Is What It Is

My family is by no means perfect. We have weathered some pretty horrific storms. Yet, my children report as being "happy." I am so glad for them because they know my belief about happiness and how it is obtained. I apporeciate the effort they have put into their lives that allows them to view themselves as, "happy."

My only Sonny turned 21 years old on the 19th of April. I look at him and marvel at the growth process and how boys grow into men. He is fortunate to have a mother who fully understod her role as mother and knew she would only be able to be an example of the female perspective.

My husband was a great role model for maleness good or bad, right or wrong. His early influence benefitted my son greatly, more than my son can appreciate at this age. As he grows into his manhood, he will begin to understand more clearly the benefit of the effort his father put into his life.

One of the greatest thing we did for our children is to have high expectations of them. We've made them feel they can do most anything they truly put their minds to. Of course they have chosen their paths, or so they believe.

My 15 year old daughter wants so badly to be an underachiever. She lacked a will to thrive when she was born. They had to literally beat her chest to make her breathe when she was born. I didn't know they could hit a baby so hard and it could still live, but she did. She wasn't ready to come out. She wants so desperately to "hate" her dad. She needs someone to blame when she doesn't want to do what she should, or needs to be doing. He always pushes her and tries to get her to appreciate her gifts.

Our family is what it is. We really couldn't ask for too much more. Our kids are basically healthy, good citizens, and hardworkers. They continue to need our guidance, but also strive for independance which is such a blessing.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Dealing With Delicate Issues

I have noticed since we have been separated my husband is better with dealing with delicate issues. I can't help but believe not having the day-to-day pressure of the family has allowed to him to view things more clearly.

It is very refreshing not to run into his ego every time I try to talk to him about something of importance. Still, I do not wish to be in a relationship with him any longer. I thought I would miss him by now, but I really don't. I am so glad to be free of the negativity that he carried with him like a badge. I am grateful we are able to be civil, but that is far as I want to take it.

I told him the first time he tried to come back that I wanted to see where this separation will take us. Neither one of us is in a hurry to divorce. He said he is not wanting one because he doesn't want to get married again. He knows he liked being married, he just can't admit to himself, because he can't do the right thing. That's just fine because he is now free to do what he wants, whether we are legally married or not, I am out of his life.

Still, it is very refreshing to know he is getting better at dealing with delicate issues.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Doing the Right Thing

I have been going over to my husband's apartment and cleaning and cooking for him. It is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am used to doing the right thing, so when he said he no longer had anyone who was willing to help him, I did not hesitate because it was the right thing to do.

Although it is the right thing to do, it is extremely hard seeing him without the leg and use of his left hand. I really wish him well. It is too bad he has made the choices he has. He needs to be home with his family but he gave us up for nothing. Now that he needs us the most, no one really wants to be bother with him.

He was good the first few times we went out. He kept his mouth shut. This last time I got tight because he's a backseat driver and extremely opinionated when it is not warranted. I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to help him.

I stay in prayer.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Kind Wife I Am

You really do not know what you would do until the situation arises. I told myself, and I still believe, that I could have cared less if I ever saw my husband again. Yet, when he called me and said he needed help, I was there.

Even though I could see clearly through my parents marriage, and had little tolerance for how they behaved in it; I didn't want to marry because I never believed a man could be as true to me, as I would be to him. I have always know and felt deeply that I was a ride or die type of person period. Even more so in a marriage.

My husband desired greatly to be a better husband, father and man. He did not succeed by his own standards. I had to learn to allow him to make mistakes and use prayer, understanding, and forgivenss, but most of all kindness to help combat the effects of the spiritual warfare he was going through.

For me, it came down to me being the kind of wife I wanted to be whether he was or is the husband he claims to want to be. He knows where he went wrong.